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KNOWING WHEN GOD SENDS HIM TO YOU

Started by YETPRAISEHIMLISA, January 10, 2005, 11:50:33 am

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YETPRAISEHIMLISA

I AM A YOUNG BLACK EDUCATED SINGLE FEMALE.  WHO AT A VERY YOUNG AGE WAS CAUGHT OUT THERE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR A LITTLE OVER 11 YEARS OF MY LIFE.  I LEFT ONE MAN AND GOT INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER MAN AND ENDED UP IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.  THE MAN I DUMPED HAS REAPPEARED IN MY LIFE AS OF 2003.  HE IS READY TO COME INTO MY LIFE AS MY HUSBAND AND A FATHER TO THE 3 CHILDREN I HAD WITH THE MAN THAT I LEFT HIM FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.  IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT GOD HAS SENT HIM BACK IN MY LIFE.   ???

Forum Administrator

Hi YETPRAISEHIMLISA. Welcome to Deep Waters! Before I attempt to respond to your post, I just want to make sure I'm clear. The man that is now "back in your life" is the one you left when you got involved with the abusive man, is that correct? If so, why did you leave him? Was he abusive in any way?

The reason I'm asking these questions is because once a woman has been involved with an abusive man, in order for her to truly recover and move on to a healthy relationship, she first has to take a good look at herself and understand why or how she got involved with an abusive person. I have been there and I know this to be true. Sometimes the reason we get involved with abusive people is our own inability to say 'no.' Sometimes we have father issues; sometimes it's esteem issues or a combination of all of the above. There are a number of reasons why women get involved with abusive men, and it's important that you know what happened in your case. Until you find out and resolve the issues behind why you ended up in an abusive relationship to begin with, you run a very high risk of ending up in another abusive relationship.

Most abusers follow a certain pattern of behavior. For example, most abusive people are possessive (i.e. want you all to themselves; don't want you to be close to anyone, not even family; don't want you going anywhere with anyone, etc.), have low self-esteem, are very jealous, feel like you're their whole world, usually very charming (at least at first). These are just some traits. If you see any of these traits in the person you are now considering, red flags should be flying high.

One more question: what is it that is causing you to consider this person again? I will wait for the response to this and the above questions before saying anymore, but in the meantime, don't assume anything. Let's get the facts, both about you (who you were then, and who you are now) and about him (who he was then and who he is now), and then let's shed the practical light of God's word on the facts and move on from there.  ;)

So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times! - Ephesians 5:15-16 (The Message)
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Aleathea Dupree
Deep Waters Interactive Forum Administrator

Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.
- Proverbs 11:14

YETPRAISEHIMLISA

THE MAN THAT IS BACK IN MY LIFE IS NOT ABUSIVE IN ANY WAY, THE REASON I LEFT HIM IS BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE OTHER GUY'S MONEY WAS ENOUGH FOR  ???ME. AND ALSO THE GUY HAD TROUBLE WITH LAW.  THE THING THAT IS CAUSING ME TO CONSIDER HIM AGAIN IS 1. BECAUSE HE CAME LOOKING FOR ME 2. EVEN NOW THAT HE KNOWS I CANT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN HE STILL WANTS TO BE WITH ME AND HE HAS NO CHILDREN OF HIS OWN.  3. HE HAS QUALITIES THAT I HAVENT SEEN IN A MAN IN A LONG TIME.  

AFTER I LEFT MY CHILDREN'S DAD, JUST ABOUT EVERY MAN WAS ABUSIVE, BUT I ALSO DEALT WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM.   I DEALT WITH NOT FEELING LOVED MY DAD SO I DIDNT WANT MEN TO LEAVE ME BECAUSE I THOUGHT I NEEDED  A "MAN" .  

I'VE BEEN ON MY OWN FOR ABOUT 3 YEARS NOW, AND I'VE GROWN IN GOD, I'VE SHED A COUPLE OF POUNDS AND I LOVE GOD FIRST AND THEN MYSELF.  I AM DEDICATED TO A CHRISTIAN LIFESTYLE AND I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS MAN.  I PRAY FOR WISDOM FROM GOD AND LAST YEAR THIS MAN POPS BACK INTO MY LIFE, SO I WAS JUST WONDERING IF GOD SENT HIM TO ME...... THANKS  ??? ???

Forum Administrator

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my questions. I applaud you for your dedication to Christ and your desire to get right and be right. You will attract both the strengths and the weaknesses that are within you. The key is to know and maximize your strengths and know and minimize (not mask) your weaknesses as much as possible.

There are three promises I want you to hold on to as you contemplate and pray about your relationship with this man:
1) God will give you wisdom if you ask Him (James 1:5,6)
2) God will give you direction and insight if you trust Him (Proverbs 3:5,6)
3) God will give you the best if you obey Him (Psalm 84:11)

I'm going to borrow from my response to the post How can you tell if he's the one?:
Quote
How will I know he is the one is one of the more common questions that I am asked. If you want to know if he (or she) is best suited for you, put him (or her) in the POT:

Pray
We can easily get caught up in what we see and hear. We view things primarily from an external perspective, but God looks at the heart. In the area of choosing a spouse, wisdom and discernment are needed. Ask God for wisdom to choose in a manner that is pleasing to Him, and ask for discernment that you might gain insight into the heart, character and intent of the person. Ask God to help you to see as He sees. If it's not love in God's sight, it can't be love at first sight. (1 Samuel 16:7; Jeremiah 17:9,10; James 1:5) While you are praying...

Observe
In my book, I refer to an expression that says, time has a big mouth, and if you give something enough time, it will tell you everything you need to know. Don't be in a hurry to make your selection. Take your time. We are advised to walk circumspectly: that means to walk around a thing (or person) and examine it/him/her closely. (Ephesians 5:15,16; I Timothy 5:22). While you are observing...

Trust
Take God at His word. He encourages us to trust Him with all our heart, and admonishes us not to lean on our own understanding. He has promised to give you guidance if you ask Him for direction. (Proverbs 3:5,6; Psalm 32:8).

Once you put him (or her) in the POT, God will let you know whether or not you should set the table or turn the fire off.


The choice/question you are considering is of the utmost importance, not only to you, but to your three children, and to him also.

Here are some other recommendations. I would recommend that you complete the personality profile (if you haven't already). The link is on the Deep Waters main page. It would be a good idea for him to complete it also. This profile will give you startling insight into the person you are now: your strengths, weaknesses, needs, etc. It will also show you what kind of person/character/personality will best complement your own. If he completes the profile, ask him to let you view it so that you can gain a better understanding of who he is. Discuss both of your profiles. It will take some time to complete, but it will be worth it.

I highly recommend the book Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner by Neil Clark Warren. It was one of the most helpful books I read when I was single contemplating marriage. The title might sound a bit romantic, but this is an extremely practical resource that provides invaluable advice. It's listed on the Deep Waters Resources for Singles page or you can find it at your local bookstore.

Another recommendation is to 1) find out what the qualities and role of a godly husband are and look for those qualities in him. Start in Ephesians 5. How does he lead? Can he lead? Does he feed you spiritually? Does he provoke you to growth? How does he make decisions? What sort of decisions does he make? Is he a hard worker? Is he dependable/reliable/trustworthy/faithful? Can he provide for you and your children? Is he loving (i.e. does he do what's in your best interest)? How is he around other people/women/men/children? What sort of relationship does he have with his family? How does he treat/speak of his parents? What ministry is he involved in? Is he faithful to his ministry/church? Who is he accountable to? Who could you talk to to find out more about him? What kind of reputation does he have? Does he bring or add to the peace in your life or does he bring/add to confusion? Is he disciplined? Does he exercise self-control? Does he honor you and protect your virtue? Is he nurturing? Is he patient? Is he generous? How does he handle his money? Does he save? Does he pay his bills on time? Is he honest? These are just some questions that quickly spring to mind. And while you're looking in Ephesians 5, make note of the requirements of a godly wife that are set forth there and examine yourself for those qualities also. See where you are and where further growth and development are needed. In general, find out as much about God's blueprint for marriage as you can. Prepare yourself for what may lie ahead. Get as much information as you can so that you can make an informed decision.

Another recommendation would be to go to couples counseling/classes. This is not necessarily the same as pre-marital counseling. The goal of attending couples counseling/classes is to see what potential the relationship/friendship might have. Couples counseling/classes can be done privately or in a group setting. Couples counseling can be helpful in 1) helping you to gain a deeper understanding of the marital relationship; 2) help you to see where you both are in terms of your spiritual walk, goals, values, etc.; 3) help you to define the level of commitment (where it is and where it needs to be).

If the time comes when you are both prepared to make a commitment towards marriage, I strongly recommend pre-marital counseling. Pre-marital counseling should be private and allow you both to go in-depth and explore all areas of your lives: past issues/relationships; finances; parenting; biblical roles of husband and wife; expectations of marriage/spouse; goals; ministry; potential or pre-existing areas of conflict; anything and everything else you can think of.  ;) This is the place and time to let it all hang out.

One final recommendation for now: ask the hard questions. So many women fall for the okey-doke and stifle their own questions and gut instincts because they are afraid of offending the man in whom they have an interest. Whatever you want to know about this man, ask him and be prepared for him to do the same to you. See how he responds; make note of it.

Another question for you before I go  :): what are the qualities of this man that you mention you haven't seen in a long time?
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Aleathea Dupree
Deep Waters Interactive Forum Administrator

Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.
- Proverbs 11:14

YETPRAISEHIMLISA

I AM SORRY FOR TAKING A LONG TIME TO RESPOND BACK TO THE QUESTIONS YOU ASKED.  BUT AFTER READING WHAT YOUR RESPONSE WAS TO MY ANSWERS, I HAD TO RE-EVALUATE MY FEELINGS. I RECOGNIZED THAT WHAT I THOUGHT WERE QUALITIES WERE ONLY FEELINGS, AND BECAUSE SOMEONE PAYS ATTENTION TO ME DOESNT MAKE THAT A QUALITY. SO I THANK YOU FOR THAT, I WILL TAKE IT MUCH SLOWER THAN I WAS GOING TO TAKE IT AND MAKE SURE THAT THIS IS IN GOD'S WILL FOR ME.  I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED , AND ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU. ;)