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The Life of Singleness

Started by Novelist, October 30, 2004, 01:50:01 am

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Novelist

In the past and even recently, I have encountered the word single and what does it mean to be single.  During this time, I was attending a women's conference and one of the speakers were stating the singleness in God and how to prepare for a mate.  My point is that sometimes it is difficult because when young adults as myself are alone, at times it seem as if finding the compatible heart is impossible.  Being single does not define loneliness, although it surely feels that way.  One of my challenges is getting through the life of singleness and overcoming the feeling of loneliness.  I have activities that I love to do in the meantime such as reading inspirational books or magazines, writing poetry, writing short plays, short stories, going places like the movies or bowling, and just being around family.
At times, I would like to go out on a formal date and experience the presence of a man sometimes.  In fact, it has been at least 3 years since I have actually dated.

I want to be strong and so far I am doing good, yet I  struggle to maintain my composure when I think about dating, marriage, and starting a new life with someone.  From a compassionate heart, I want to at least date for the most part.  Often times, it is difficult to feel secure knowing that no one has been approaching me or even talking to me.  Although, I have been told that I was cute or pretty, I cannot understand why I do not have any options as dating men.  As a woman, I want male attention sometimes, not in a bad way, but in a good way when they compliment me or pursuing to go out with me.  Sometimes, I want to these things to happen for me, but it rarely happens.  So far, there is one guy who likes me and I like him too, but I am not sure if I want to begin a new relationship with him.  We do not talk all the time, so it varies when we talk.  Right now, I am focusing more on God, getting my life together, yet I want a companion.  This may be too much to ask, but I am being totally honest about how I feel.  The life of singleness is not fun all the time.  Most times, I want someone to call me on the phone just to say, "Hey, I was thinking about you and wondering what you are doing on Friday night."  or "Do you have a few minutes to talk?" Frankly, most of my time, I am daydreaming about these things happening because it is a normal reaction for men and women.  Is this the wrong mentality to have?  I believe that I have some things clear, but I am working on the rest.

Being single in California could be rough because it is hard to find a good man, a God-fearing man with discipline and other qualities.  No, I am not expecting Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect, because I am neither of those.  I want someone genuine with me and can love me for who I am.  At this time, I am working on myself, improving who I am everyday.  The single life is not a glam shot with a frame.  Instead, I have pictures by myself.  For a change, I would like to have special photos to reflect on.  Perhaps, my patience is fluctuating and my level of frustration is arising.  I am calm! I can take a deep breath and exhale!  My worst fear is growing old and alone and I do not want that for myself, which is not a good way of thinking, but I am learning how to enjoy my singleness and hopefully my perspective will change.

David Dupree

Hi Novelist,

First of all you have to recall that one of the definitions of single is WHOLE or COMPLETE.  Secondly, contrary to popular belief, the opposite of married is not single.  The opposite of married is unmarried.  There are many unmarried persons who are not single because they are not whole.  

Until a person gets to the point that he or she is content in being without a mate, then that person is not whole or not single. Don't get me wrong-content does not mean satisfied.  You can be content in your state and not satisfied with it.  Contentment is just the place of knowing that you are where God wants you at the time God has you there until God moves you.  The scripture says that godliness with contentment is great gain. (I Tim 6:6)  

Single is the term commonly used by many non-singles on their way to singleness.  There are singles bars, singles ministries, single websites, singles cruises all full of persons who are not single because they are not whole.

The other thing you must realize is that alone is really two words--all one.  Most people saying they are alone  are not all one.  They are really just lonely.  If they were truly alone, then when they said "I am alone" they would do it with a big grin on their face.  

You really don't want a mate or a date while you are not whole.  All that mate or date will do is exploit your weaknesses or your incompleteness and keep you from becoming whole.  Furthermore, most non-whole people seem to "hook-up" with other non-whole people and then what a mess that causes..each trying to fulfill the purported lack in the other.  

That is why it is best to let God make you whole and that will help you avoid the pitfall of attracting someone to fulfill a void in your life or even worse, you attempting to fulfill a void in someone else's life.  

Being unmarried anywhere is rough.  But being single (i.e. whole and complete) will make it much easier.

Consider and meditate on Colossians 2:6-10
 6As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him:
   7Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.
   8Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.
   9For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily.
   10And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power:
(emphasis added)
    
Be complete in Jesus!!  Let Him establish you in the surety of who you are in Him.  Then and only then will you be ready for a mate and a mate be ready for you.

dd
I've known waters, ancient dusky waters; my soul has grown deep like the waters.  adapted from Langston Hughes poem, "I've Known Rivers"

manonfire

Also understand that it's a compliment to you not a bad thing that every Tom, thingy and Harry is not in your face trying to talk to you.   Those of us who are living for Christ are unique and set apart.   Because of that the father has someone expecially designed for you. I have days where I think I'm not gonna make it expecially abstaining from sex.   All my saved friends who are married and have whole marraiges have told me the mate came when they were not looking or thinking about it.  Stay encouraged and do not be weary in your well doing.   When Your Boaz comes and you get married you will be able to help another sister out who is single and  is having a hard time!

Be Blessed!

Man On Fire!!

christianthought

I want to second what Novelist is saying, only about females.  Considering my post in Pure Springs (check that out if you haven't), what should I do?  I mean, it is easy for married people to say to hold on and hold out, because they are already married.  They have all of the perks and responsibilities that come along with that, and although it is difficult, most that I talk to would not take it back.  But how do you REALLY handle the singleness when God has put the desire inside to be with somebody?  I mean, I have to really watch myself, especially in church, because I want to make sure that my actions are not misinterpreted, and aren't wrongly motivated either.  I mean, I won't greet the sisters with hugs if I feel that my motivations/heart arent' right.  I try to focus on other things, but this is always before me.  I talk with God frequently about this, and I am not implying that He doesn't say or do anything , because God knows how faithful he has been with/to/for me.  I know it doesn't go away, but how do you REALLY deal with it?  I don't mean a hyperspiritual, theoretical answer, because I already know those answers, because I can give them.  I mean the real, day to day, long run answer, the solution.  Not a quick fix.

Forum Administrator

I agree that a lot of married people do offer platitudes to unmarried people about holding out, holding up and holding on and then they go home and go to bed with their husbands/wives. But not all married people have forgotten what it's like to be single and wanting to be in relationship. How do you think Deep Waters came about?  ;D

How do you handle singleness when God has put the desire inside you to be with somebody? The answer is in one word: TRUST. You have to trust that the same God that put that desire in you will fulfill it. Once you believe that... I mean REALLY believe that, you can enjoy your time in your unmarried state until God takes you into the next phase of His plan for your life.

Think about it: the anxiety comes when we doubt that we will ever meet someone who is suited for us. Lack of trust brings anxiety. But God is trustworthy; always faithful; never lies; never breaks His promise. What reason do you have to not trust Him? (Wondering why you're still waiting? I can share with you what God has taught me if you want to know.)

God has promised that He will not withhold any good thing from you if you walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11). You focus on walking uprightly (i.e. being obedient) and let God determine the "good thing." If you don't have a relationship right this minute it either means that you're not walking uprightly or a relationship is not "good" for you just yet. (Go ahead: ask me about why you're waiting so I can tell you why a relationship may not be "good" for you just yet.)

What else do you have going on in your life other than your desire to be with someone? What new horizons have you explored? What gifts and talents have you developed? What's your purpose? What are your goals? What part of fulfilling your life is not dependent on being with someone? Meet people. Enjoy friendships. Live your life! God doesn't expect you to stop living because you are not with someone yet. God has plans for you, brother. Believe that and TRUST HIM.
Post your replies to this topic or start a new topic.

Aleathea Dupree
Deep Waters Interactive Forum Administrator

Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.
- Proverbs 11:14

christianthought

I appreciate all of your counsel on both of my posts...there is a lot that I need to think about.  I am curious about what God has taught you about waiting in this area, and also why a relationship might not be good for me now.  (I am sure that you have some insight into this area; that is why I decided to post instead of asking fifty million people like I usually do).  Thanks for all of your help and even starting this forum...it has been extremely helpful.

bishopbiscuits

Christianthought,

...........I try to acknowledge the valid desires and anticipation that I have without letting them interfere in my day to day fellowship. An imperfect science, but I get better with practice  :)
...........My focus had to change from what it used to be.  "I love you and God's plan for your life enough to prayerfully and purposely choose to be unselfish towards you. And to be patient while I see what my place is in your life" is my approach. When I began seeing women as more than a vessel or object of my desire, to be purely won or obtained, it changed my outlook.
.......... We are all people. That is unique individuals who have their own personality, character, abilities, needs, desires, and wants. With a mind and eye for the future we must seek to sow good seed into each other's lives.
...........Our greatest need is for God and what He has in store for us. He ministers to every area of life that we allow Him to. We also need be ministered to by other people.
..........Sometimes we want to get involved when we have not asked ourselves "Am I prepared/preparing to minister to this person's life?" ???
.......... I'm not talking about any superficial front that can be put up, but having the inner revelation of God's character and great care and letting Him help you translate /share this knowledge through action. Remembering also that we are not our own,but bought with a price.
............You are God's property, and they are God's property. You do not need to walk on eggshells around each other, but you had better check that what they are giving you, they have the authority/right to give, especially when it comes to physical matters. Only God through marriage authorizes land mergers!
..........Sometimes my desires are greatly before me. But I want to honor God, even in my thought life. I know that it's not easy, but I don't want a lifetime of spiritual compromise and indulgent fantasy to separate me from where God wants me to be and the person that God is preparing for me. Or the quality of relationship that can be enjoyed by being on one accord with God and each other.
......... Satan is determined to detour us by every means he can. Ask for wisdom and God will give it freely. As you let God reveal to you the enemy's strategy against you, accept God's wisdom to help you overcome the traps Satan sets (and stay out of as many as you can, so you don't have to get out of them,too).  :) :) :)
......So guard your heart, be careful of what you allow yourself to meditate on. You are being prepared for great things. We must operate in the authority that we have, and  use holy wisdom to  create and maintain right relationship with ourselves and others.
..........At 30 years old and still single, I have to thank God for helping and teaching me through the years. I had to learn to be honest with Him about my desires. Not to pretend that they don't exist, but rather to share them with God. As I let Him temper my feelings with spiritual wisdom, He relieves some of the tension.
..........Be encouraged. Your battle is worth the fight!!  BB
Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.  Hebrews 12:1

Forum Administrator

QuoteI appreciate all of your counsel on both of my posts...there is a lot that I need to think about.  I am curious about what God has taught you about waiting in this area, and also why a relationship might not be good for me now.
I'm so glad you asked.  :) I have discovered four reasons why God allows us to wait. It seems that this has become somewhat of a mantra for me wherever I go. Because the truth of the matter is that a LOT of people are struggling with "wait" issues. Hopefully, this will shed some light on your perspective.

One of the reasons God allows you to wait is to protect you. Psalm 84:11 says that God will not withhold any good thing from you if you walk uprightly. The problem is that we often take it upon ourselves to determine what is good instead of allowing God to determine what is good. (Can all the people who have experienced messed up relationships say 'Amen!') We can look at and listen to a person, but God is the only One who can look into a person. He looks at the heart. If you believe what God has said, then you have two responsibilities according to this verse: first, trust Him to not only determine what is good for you, but also to trust that God is not keeping something (or someone, as the case may be) from you that is good. Secondly, if God's got the "good thing" covered, your focus needs to be on walking uprightly. That means having a commitment to doing things God's way... and then doing it. As the old song says, "trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy..." "He that finds a wife finds a good thing..." If you don't have your "good thing" yet, it's either because you're not walking uprightly or it's not good for you at this time.

Another reason God allows you to wait is to prepare you. Jeremiah 29:11 is life changing because it talks about God having a plan for your life. He's made plans for your future and He has an end result in mind. And it's all good! His plans are to give you a future and hope: the very things that a lot of people who are waiting don't feel like they have. Everything that God is allowing in your life right now is preparation for what He has in store ahead... EVERYTHING--even the bad, painful, uncomfortable, irritating, etc. things. If God is allowing it, He's working it into His plan for your good. When it comes to marriage, marriage is ministry: it's what you do in service for God for the benefit of others. Any ministry that God calls you to, He prepares you for. His plan for us is not something He hides from us. While you're waiting, you should be discovering His plan and purpose for your life. Marriage is not the end: it's a means to an end. The end is your purpose. God did not bring Eve to Adam until Adam knew what he was supposed to be doing in the garden and was busy doing it. He could refer to her as his helper because he was already doing something. (You don't need help to do nothing.) Sometimes we're not ready for what God has for us. Sometimes what God has for us is not ready. But when all is ready, He'll bring you into it with ease.

A third reason God allows you to wait is to perfect you. James 1:4 talks about allowing patience to have its perfect work so that you can be complete/mature, entire/whole lacking nothing. A lot of people who are not in relationship feel they are lacking, but God has you waiting so that you won't be lacking anything. Marriage is like a mirror: God will use your spouse to reflect what's in you and vice versa. In marriage you see things about yourself and each other that you may not like. We all have "stuff"--every last one of us. Your wait time is a season that God will use to work on you. As I tell my friends, the stuff you know about that's in your life right now (e.g. selfishness, fear, insecurity, jealousy, impatience, unforgiveness, anger, and so on, and so on...) work on those issues now. Forget the Jerry McGuire "you complete me" line. That's for the movies. No human being on this earth can complete you. You must find your wholeness and sense of completeness in the Lord; you are complete in Him (and in Him alone). To enter a relationship with any expectation of completing another human being or having another human being complete you is to disillusion yourself and set yourself up for major disappointment. Another person may complement you, but not complete you. This is not to say that you need to be perfect (i.e. without flaw) before entering into relationship, but I'd rather carry a cosmetic/toilet bag into a relationship than a whole steamer trunk full of issues. Wouldn't you? Think about it: when you're married, you've got your issues and hers to deal with. Minimize your risk. A lot of us have some growing up to do. Now's the ideal time.

Lastly, God allows you to wait so that He can pace you. The theme verse of my book is in Habakuk 2:3 and it speaks of the vision being for an appointed time. It might take a while (i.e. "tarry") to be fulfilled, but it will be fulfilled. And the way I understand that verse to translate both in language and in practice is that once things start moving, they move quickly. My wait was thirteen years (in large part because I had to learn these things that I'm sharing with you now). But when my "appointed" time came... my head still spins when I think of how quickly things developed! That word 'appointed' speaks of a set, scheduled time. God has set a specific time to bless you. Like another old song says, you can't hurry God; you just have to wait. And why the wait, see reasons 1-3 above. Don't try to outrun God: match His pace. Do what you need to do (i.e. walk uprightly, discover and get busy fulfilling His plan and purpose for your life, allow God to reveal and help you work through your "stuff"). That is how you match His pace. Don't waste your time trying to overtake your blessings. At the appointed time, your blessings will overtake you.

Whether a relationship is good for you right now, only you and God know. But in light of what I've just shared, hopefully your perspective has been sharpened a little more.
Post your replies to this topic or start a new topic.

Aleathea Dupree
Deep Waters Interactive Forum Administrator

Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.
- Proverbs 11:14