Feeling Abandoned by a friend

[Novelist]

Recently, I had a situation where my friend was visiting me and when her other friend called, she decided to leave with him.  At first, I thought I would be fine with it, instead I became infuriated.  I cannot control what someone does nor tell them when to do it, but for that moment I felt abandoned.  Moreover, I was not in the best mood, then I had so much on my mind that it mainly affected our day, but we made the best of it, until she was ready to leave.  I am battling with situations in my life and I do not feel the comfort of my friend all the time, so I crawl into my shell all over again.  My immediate reaction was revengeful and I know I was wrong, but I had to say what I needed to say ( I was not Cursing or anything) I left a message to her, expressing my feelings and that I needed some time and space to myself.  Was this the best way to deal with this?

[Forum Administrator]

You are right: you cannot control what others do, but you can control what you do. Don't take out your frustration on your friend and don't put unreasonable expectations on her. She is not supposed to be your comfort all the time: God is. She has a right to leave whenever and with whomever she pleases. You don't own her. I doubt very seriously that you said what you "needed to say" if you already were "not in the best mood," and feeling infuriated and vengeful. (See my response to your post Is it normal to feel and act this way?.)

If this is the same friend that you asked about before, I have already given you my best advice on how to deal with this friendship. If you are not able to accept your friend as she is, where she is, and how she is, you're not ready to be a friend to her.

Where are those feelings of abandonment really coming from? Why did her leaving cause you to become "infuriated?" Was it because she left? Was it because she left with a male friend? Are those feelings of jealousy you spoke of before resurfacing? Did her leaving trigger a deeper memory/feeling of abandonment from your past? Why was your immediate reaction vengeful? Did you want to hurt her because you felt she hurt you? Is this the way you deal with your pain? What was the motive for leaving a message "expressing [your] feelings?" What did you believe you "needed to say?" Do you really want "time and space to [yourself]?"

As I indicated in your previous post, you must begin to think through your feelings. This is an exercise in self-control. As you take the time to think through what you're feeling and why, you will have a clearer perspective on how to deal with this and other situations.

[Novelist]

I totally agree with you because there are some issues that I had to face this past weekend.  Mainly, I expected my friend to be here for me and she was not.  It is not her fault.  There are some emotional wounds that I am continually healing from and it stems from my past.  At times, I felt rejected and hurt from the ones who were close to me and when someone comes into my life and leaves, it places discomfort in my heart.  Yes, I have to work through these issues because God is the only one who is there for me when there is no trace of family or friends.  I can see the real issue and allow God to mend my heart together again.  No, I do not own anyone, especially not myself because I was bought with a price.  

I was infuriated because she left with a male friend and during this time I felt bad.  At first, I was going to let it go, which I should have, but as I thought about it more, I was disappointed.  This was a valuable lesson for me because I cannot expect her to be there for me and that is the truth.  Not only does this apply to my relationship with her, but it appears in other relationships.  This is horrible and I need to move on from this.  My mind and heart changed toward our friendship and truthfully I am not ready to be a friend to her.  It is true.  Should I tell her this?  My outlook on our friendship is unclear and I do not know the end.  It scares me and this is when I need to be strong.

Is this a sign that we are meant to be friends after all the times we have encountered problems and now this.  Apparently, God is rearranging some things in my life and all I can do and allow him to take full control.  I want to get better and I do not want to be man-dependent, but God-dependent.  Only God can do the work in my life and give me a new perspective on the relationships that I have with others.  What should I do about this friendship?  I know I am coming to the same conclusion, but this is a new experience and change for me.  I am convinced when I place standards on others, it is because of disappointments and it is not fair.  Therefore, something has to change, it must.  Right now, I am confused and need understanding.  Please pray for me and thank you for your spiritual advising.

[Forum Administrator]

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."
Philippians 4:6-8 (The Message)

Novelist, get the above passage of scripture ingrained in your mind. Memorize it (you can use a different version if you like, e.g. King James Version (KJV) or New International Version (NIV)). Rehearse it. Practice it.

Let me share a personal story that may help you. I had some friends that I used to hang out with from time to time. We had a lot of fun together, but a lot of times, the manner of conversation that some of my friends had began to bother me. I loved their company, but my spirit was grieved. I didn't know whether I should just pull away from them, or say something. I wasn't sure what to do, so I prayed. I talked to the Lord about it. I talked to Him about how I felt in my spirit and the struggle I had with not wanting to lose the friendship/fellowship. That was all I had to do. God fixed it so I didn't have to say a word. Those women began to pull away from me. We still remain friendly, even to this day, but nature of the relationship changed, and I was relieved. In the words of a song of written by a friend of ours:

"What do I do, when I don't know what to do? What do I say, when I don't know what to say? Where do I turn? What are the answers to the questions that seem to have no answers? I'll just stand still until Your will is clear to me... With the daily strength you promised to provide; I'm encouraged that You're always by my side. I'll stand still. I'll stand still. I'll just stand still, until Your will is clear to me!"

I said all that to say, pray about it. Ask God for direction and guidance and then wait for it. Don't worry. Stop trying to figure things out and anticipate the future. That's not your job. Your "daily bread" is good for today. Tomorrow, you can go to God and get what you need for tomorrow.  

[Novelist]

Another issue I am facing is making a decision to hang with some associates that I had met from a retreat back in July.  Also, another young lady I met in a discipleship class.  However, this stems from my dilemma with my bestfriend and recently we talked about our issues, not all of them, but she wanted me to make the time to speak with her, but I made plans already.  Should I go? Or stay?  And if I go, she would be upset, disappointed, and think that I do not care.  Moreover, I would like to hang out for a few hours and get my mind off of things, what should I do? Honestly, I care about my friendship with her, but I am building on new relationships as well.  I don't want to feel guilty and accountable.