fear of something new...

[stilllearning]

At this point in my life I am not sure if I even desire a family and husband anymore...however, I am not sure if this is because I fear the hurts of the past and/or because in my heart I've given up. This place, however, has pushed me closer to God, and I have definitely seen growth and maturity, but if the subject of marriage and relationships comes up, I feel very closed. I have forgiven, but I'm not sure where to find the balance between being satisfied where I am and letting myself hope and be okay with the desire to be married and have a family?...or perhaps resolving to the fact that I will not be married?

[Consecrated_one]

I don't know how old you are, but I didn't meet my boyfriend till I was 32, i'm now 34. For years I watched my younger cousins and friends get married all around me, I wanted to be happy for them and I was, I knew my turn was coming I just didn't know when, by the time I was 32, I started kind of giving up hope that maybe God didn't want me to marry and have a family, the test for me came  when I went to the bridal shower of a cousin I use to hold in my arms when she was a baby (she was 21 @ her shower ) I was mad at God and couldn't believe I was going through this. I say all of this because, I sacrificed, by going to my cousin's shower, I swore up and down I was not going. Needless to say, 2 weeks after the shower, the man I am with now, approached me.

Bottomline, don't give up hope, if you have a desire to marry and it is God's will for your life, it WILL happen, for some of us it takes a little longer.

[Forum Administrator]

At this point in my life I am not sure if I even desire a family and husband anymore...however, I am not sure if this is because I fear the hurts of the past and/or because in my heart I've given up. This place, however, has pushed me closer to God, and I have definitely seen growth and maturity, but if the subject of marriage and relationships comes up, I feel very closed. I have forgiven, but I'm not sure where to find the balance between being satisfied where I am and letting myself hope and be okay with the desire to be married and have a family?...or perhaps resolving to the fact that I will not be married?

When we've been hurt, especially by someone we love, it can shake the very foundation of our trust. The greater our expectation in and from the one we love, the deeper the hurt when the expectation isn't met. It's not unusual to feel some degree of anxiety, even fear, when you think about the possibilities of the future, because none of us who have been hurt in the past want to experience hurt like that again. It's easier to try to shut down that part of you that might dare to hope and love again than to risk the possibility of getting hurt like before.

Forgiveness is key to moving forward: you must face your past, make the decision not to allow your past to control your future, then face your future. You cannot move into your future without letting go of the past. But, forgiveness is not all. Healing must take place, and trust must be reestablished. These things do not happen overnight.

"A bruised reed he will not break..." Is. 42:3
When we have been wounded, that is the time to lean on God. When the stalk of a plant has been bruised, a good gardner will place a stake or stick next to the plant. Even if the plant looks like it's getting ready to break, he will bind it to the stake with a cord so that the plant can heal and continue to grow. In the same way, God will be your stake. He will stay close to you--especially now when you're trying to recover from past hurts--and He will gently bind you up and secure you to Himself through His word which will bring healing to your mind, soul and spirit (Psalm 107:20).

"...Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." Isaiah 49:23
What keeps us from trusting is fear of what man might do. The key to reestablishing trust is in recognizing and holding onto what God will do. As you shift your focus from what man might do to what God will do, your trust will be reestablished. God is trustworthy, and the love He has for you is powerful enough to drive out all of your fears (I John 4:18). God will help you (Isaiah 41:13), He will strengthen you, and He will hold you up (Isaiah 41:10). It's okay to hope, but hope in what the Lord will do.

Perhaps one of the worst things you could have imagined has happened to you... but, thank God, you're still alive. As you continue to heal and grow, you will not only lean on His word, but you will stand on it, and eventually carry it to be an encouragement to someone else who's going through what you've been through. You will be able to boldly declare, The Lord is my helper! In God have I put my trust! The LORD is on my side! What can man do unto me! (Psalm 56:11; 118:6; Hebrews 13:6). As Consecrated_One has said, don't give up! As long as there is God, there is hope!

[stilllearning]

Thank you all so much for you advice and guidance...the advice blessed my socks off, and touched on some things I truly was not aware of. Thank you so much for taking the time out to respond. Hezekiah Walker wrote it in the song "We need each other." Thank you so much!

[Novelist]

Life is a variable.  We are not prepared for situations at all times, but reactions are the main responses.  In my past, I have been hurt, shut down, broken down, and I am still holding on to residue because of the heart break.  Whether it is friendship, relationship, professional, natural or spiritual.  Stilllearning, I commend you for recognizing and admitting your pain because as myself, I have not come to that point.  I will admit what is wrong, but growing out of it is a bit harder for me.  Yes, I struggled with someone getting married before me, having a child, even a boyfriend.  Other factors such as popularity, nice car, or living independently were my challenges as well.  Getting past the hurt is going to take time for me due to a bad friendship I am experiencing.  Entering another friendship will take time because I was close to this individual.  We use to talk nearly everyday, but times have changed and now I am hurt by this.

I know what is wrong on my end, but I do not have a clue as to why she has not called me.  I am fearful all over again about my place in her heart.  I am not sure if she hates me or regrets ever meeting me.  It frightens me to even call her just to find out the reason behind the silent treatment for the past three weeks.  We use to share intimate stories, go to the movies, laugh, cry, talk, visit each other, just things as friends, but now it is not present.  Surely, my hurt is lingering when the memories are freshly passing through.  What did I do wrong?  In the past, we had issues similar to this or worse.  At one point, we did not converse for at least a year and that was difficult to mend again.  The fear of being friendless is haunting me.  For a while, I have been experiencing depression, low self-esteem, moodiness, and other issues.  Unfortunately, she was around when all of this was affecting me and it affected our friendship because of the way I use to act.  Often times, I have taken my anger out on her and that was not fair.  I am not proclaiming to be perfect because I will only deceive myself, but honestly, I have a good heart.  Although, we had disagreements, we made a vow that nothing or no one would intervene in our relationship, but the only ones who are hindering anything is us.  

Now, I am not sure if she feels threatened by this, but I am hurting and afraid of what is going to happen, which is happening.  This feeling is causing my heart to beat, my mind is going 100 miles per hour, and my thoughts have been diluted with fear of losing and possibly lost the best friendship I had.  What should I do?  I have made new friends and constantly meeting people, but I am not use to going through life without her and the life we use to share as friends.  It is a new beginning for me to launch and make new friends and learn that maybe this is for the best.  Simultaneously, I am struggling with facing the truth, while attempting to move on and allow others to become a part of my life.  This is killing me softly, yet I am not sure if this is affecting her at all.  Who knows, she could be having the time of her life, getting married, traveling, or going through ordinary life and do not care about me.  It hurts and yet the fear of something new is exhilirating and will take one day at a time.  Help me.