BROKEN

[womanof1]

Men I posted this on the womens page, but I'd also like to hear what you think..

Hello again Fellow deep waters readers, writers, those who enjoy, and those who learn from others situations. Here I am again, but now claiming my burdens for what they are.
I am a Broken and Battered, Scared and torn woman. All my life I have dealt with the pain and heartache of MEN leaving me, hurting me, molesting, and degrading me.
                I looked at Sex for many years as a release, an escape route, or just some way for me to have control of what's mine. It all started with my father who left my mother and 3 children when we were only 6weeks, 1 and 2 years old. Never saw him again, and he told me at 20years old if I want a relationship with him I should work on it. Then all the men in my family except 1 uncle (God rest his soul) told me I was less than because I was a girl. These same men persecuted me when I was molested at age 7 by a man on our street, blaming me and persuading my mother to spank me rather than comfort me during that time. Then when I started middle school I turned to sex at 14 trying to convince my "boyfriend" to stay with me because I was cool. Eventually he broke up with me, leaving me again lonely and heartbroken. 17 I met and dated a serious drug dealer whom after I told him I wanted to go to college raped me in his house with a 9mm gun on the table daring me to leave. Do you think I ever told my mother about that? Nope, especially after that same drug dealer gave me my 1st STD, cured Glory be to God for that. Soon after once I became enraged enough I started a 2 year binge of frivolous one night stands, with many guys I couldn't even tell you their names.
            Then I met, in my mid Freshmen year in college, a man I longed for, whom also cheated on me for 2years, before finally proposing to me. Then he started controling my comings and goings in my life. Stalking me, still cheating on me, separting me from my friends and family, and my church home I was attending in the city we lived in.
                 Now almost a year ago I made a covnant with God that if He changed the direction my life was heading I would again Give my life soley to Him. Well I did and yet I never spoke into exsistance that I was, and am BROKEN. The last time I was on Deep Waters, I talked about this guy whom I felt liked me, but He stopped speaking to me and recently I just found out he's about to Marry another woman in our church. My 1st reaction was to break down, not because he didn't love me, but because I felt like here again God, I'm not enough for any man. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not smart enough, or old enough, or holy enough. But I'm beautiful, I'm athletic, I'm educated, I'm a woman after God's own heart, but yet I carried all my BULL into the sanctuary with me, and into my praise classes, and my ministry's I joined. I was still a broken soul in the church covering my pain with shouts of Glory, and a few Halelujah's. All I'm asking is if there is a woman out there who has been through some of what I'm going through Pray for me in this journey God is taking me on. I gave it to Him today, left my burdens at His throne, and now I need to start my healing so that God can deliver me to the place I need to be for Him. Glory Be to God, Praise His Holy and Righteous name. Halelujah...

[Novelist]

Hello Everyone in Deep Waters,

I have been away for a while, but I finally made my way back.  In response to Womanof1, I relate to your ordeal.  I have felt the pain of men leaving me and feeling depressed because of the absence of my parents, making bad choices, feeling insecure and low self esteem.  I was seeing someone who attended the same church and before he started making his way to talk to me, he was in a relationship, which was over when we started talking, but I did not see this coming.  To make it short, we engaged in intimacy about a year after dealing with each other and my feelings for him grew, but now, he will not talk to me.  He does not call me at all and slowly, I got the message that he was not interested in me anymore.  I still hurt from this because I really care for him.  Maybe I knew the answer to begin with, but I did not want it to be that way.  I feel hopeless about love.  We had several conversations about relationships but he did not want to commit or anything.  He wanted to be single and not answer to no one.  Until this day, I never understood what went wrong between us.  He never explained or brought it up.

It's hard to deal with a broken heart.  I cannot tell you how to feel or what to do because only God can heal you. I'm hurting from this affair and I wish I had control.  As for your sexual abuse, it was not your fault that it happened and I hope you realize that.  Also, that situation with the young man marrying another woman, now that is tough! I know it is.  If I heard anything about the man I have been with marrying another woman in the church, that would hurt me too.  Overall, it takes time to heal because people are always doing something to hurt someone.  I don't know when the hurt will leave, but we have to heal from this pain real soon.  Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. 


Love and Blessings,



Novelist.