his lies are hurting our marriage

[enduring]

I've been married to my husband for almost 17 years.  I always knew something was missing in our relationshiop...God.  3 years ago we met the most wonderful minister & his wife.  We go to weekly bible studies & our marriage is a rollercoaster.  I do see shift but the one thing that hasn't changed is my husband's lies.  He seems to have no conscience.  My husband lacks in self discipiline in most areas except the ability to hold a job & do it well.  I'm guessing he does well there because he gets "pats on the back" for a good job.  He's terrible when it comes to finances.  When I met him he was deep in the hole & I helped pull him out.  Many times over the course of our marriage we've tried to let him try out his self control by giving him his own checkbook, credit card, etc...and everytime he's failed.  He's come to resent me for having to take control of our finances, household, child discipline, etc, even though his lack of strength in these areas have forced me to take over (which I have come to resent).  He's become increasing lazy & has put on lots of weight.  He has a health issue & fails to take his medication.  I can't tell him to do things, because then I'm just a nagging wife, but if I keep my mouth shut, he doesn't take care of anything.  He recently received a new credit card (in his name only...didn't want my credit screwed up) & he gave his word  that he wouldn't use it unless it was for work which would be reimbursed.  The stipulation was all payments would come out of his weekly allowances, nothing from our joint family account.  I kept asking him numerous time how he was doing with it & he would tell me great!  I got a little suspicous & snuck his card number & found out he has almost $1600.00 charged in less than 2 months (his credit has since been halted due to lack of payment).  He eventually found out I knew about his credit card lies & now he is so angry & vindictive towards me and calls me controlling.  Blaming me to justifiy his behavior.  He even claims to have taken cash advances out on the card to bait me & see how I'd react.   I could really care less that he's charged his card, just the fact that he lies again and again.  And not just about that.  He acts very suspicious, locks the doors in his truck (which he never has done before all of this), hides his car keys & I sometimes think he may be drinking or taking something (drugs??)  I know that God has put this in front of me for a reason...to grow me up & shape my behavior but it is one heck of a ride!  My husband is bitter towards me because we don't have a love life.  I don't know how he can even wonder why...I can't force myself to be close to someone I can't even trust!  He thinks if we have a love life, everything will fall into place.  I'm doing my best to long suffer & pray that God will transform him  into the man he should be.  When he is in constant contact with our minister, he helps keep him on track but he's in such a self mode right now he's on a destructive path & doesn't want to hear he needs to make some changes.  Any words of wisdom??

[Gracious]

Hello "enduring",

And welcome to the DW Forums

Ok ... let's dive right in shall we?

There's soooo much in my spirit to share with you, soooooooo, I'll start with just one item from your post ... Amen?

Please know that GOD is with YOU, HE loves YOU, YOU are very precious to HIM, and because of this, our FATHER in Heaven will NEVER leave you alone - without help!!!

Next,

Congratulations on 17 years of holy matrimony!!!   Though it may not seem like it to you now ... GOD has both kept & BLESSED you both!!!  Do you know how many saints have not been able to make it 5-10yrs married, much less "17" ?  YOU ARE BLESSED!!!

Something to consider concerning "sex" with your spouse
And this is not easy to say ... But I pray you take this to heart & TRULY go to GOD & seek HIS peace concerning what I'm led to share with you.

It is natural that when someone annoys you ... to shun them - to tune them out - to do whatever you have to do (within reason) to distance yourself from that person!  I'm led that "we" (both men & women) do this as a self-preservation reaction (if you will), so that we may maintain our cool - our control (by sending a STRONG MESSAGE of discontent to the person agitating us),  so that we can make some kind of sense out of the "madness" that we feel is attacking us !!!

Then there's marriage  

Either we (Both men & women) were never told & or we may have forgotten about how it is that we are to conduct ourselves "physically" & "spiritually with our spouse?  The world has fed us a line of "crapola" when it comes to intimacy & we carry this mess right down the isle-to the alter-through the I do's-on the honeymoon-etc,etc,etc!!!

Here's the LIE!!! 

TRUE Intimacy (a sensual/sexual relationship) with my spouse (now this is strictly from a feminine perspective Amen?) can only occur when I-I-I ... MY-MY-MY NEEDS ARE BEING MET!!!   Otherwise ... he's CUT-OFF & "he" will have to deal with himself the best way that he can --- Oh well!!!

Now ... Here's the TRUTH!!!

Your husband is a MAN!!!  And you know (through your extensive experience as a wife - married for 17yrs) that the divide between how you look at YOUR life & how a MAN-your husband, looks at that SAME life (yours) can be completely different. 

As women we know that MEN are by nature/fiber/how ever you rationalize it ... VISUAL,PHYSICAL BEINGS ... "they" express their intimacy sexually - through intercourse (as in, much of the time) ... I dunno' maybe GOD made them this way & Amen!

Women, on the otha' hand, are feeling, fore-play & fantasy oriented, when it comes to our husbands ... shooooot!!! ... we NEED for them to do what we want - when we want it - THE WAY WE WANT IT!!! ... or we are not fulfilled ...translated... we don't want them ANYWHERE "NEAR" us!!!

Here's main thing ...Amen?

When you took your vows ... what SHOULD have been stressed along with some other stuff ... IS ... that your body is NOT ENTIRELY your own!!! 

Stay with me ... Amen! 

What that means is ... just as you have an OBLIGATION to pay your bills (keep a roof over your head), feed & clothe yourselves etc. ... you both also have an OBLIGATION to meet the physical-sexual needs of each other - whether you "feel" like it or not..

Now I know, I know, I know    this may not sit well with you ... but I urge you to think of sex with your husband this way ... think of it as it is ... a blessed charge-responsibility that you both share for & with each - other..

Sista,  please also know that what I've shared with you, was shared with me ... when I was in my early teens - loooong before I even thought about the thought of getting married & TRUST ... I balked when this was explained to me.  But I "learned" to accept this in my spirit!  And though the thought of sex with your husband may repel you right now ... I can tell from your post, that you KNOW the LORD & you know how to pray!!!  And however imperfect your husband is ... he is yours & you are his.

HOWEVA' ... if you suspect that your husband is being unfaithful ... the holy vows that you've shared may have been broken, you THEN have an obligation to your CREATOR & YOURSELF ... NOT ... place yyour life in danger!   Now, you've stopped short of saying that this is what you believe ... but perhaps you are feeling this?


Keeping you in my prayers,


Gracious  

 

[Joel and Kathy Davisson]

Dear enduring,
There are two books that are must reads for you and the first book is a must read for your husband. If you would go to www.GodSaveMyMarriage.com and order the two books we have authored, you will find HUGE healing, direction and strength for yourself, and if your husband will read the first book, The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His! - then you could end up with a huge miracle. God has not called you to suffer long, though we recognize that you have done an admirable thing. It is time for change, and that time is now.

Your situation is serious, and without some serious action and intervention, your husband will continue to get worse and worse. I know, it sounds a bit self - serving to ask you to order our books, but they will change your life, give you the answers that you need, and could cause a miracle transformation in your husband. We actually sell the books with a money back gaurantee. We have sold over 10,000 in the last three years and have only had one copy returned. So, if the books do not help you GREATLY, then you can just return them!  I know, long answer with no real answers. Gracious was so "gracious" to pour her heart out to you in giving you her best answer. However, that advice, though applicable in some situations, is not applicable in yours, at this moment.
We offer a forum, and www.joelandkathy.com/boards/ where we deal with the worst of the worst marriage situations, like yours. Your immediate plan is to make your marriage a CRISIS. You require him to read our book, and ask God for a miracle. If he refuses to read, then you take additional steps. Some men will get a miracle immediately, and some men, who are as bad as your husband, will not change until a wife puts him out of the home. Your husband has forced you into the mommy role, and it is HIS issue, not yours. You have had to take control.  We have 600 pages in two books that answer you, and you need all 600 pages! (smile - but very serious!)

Joel and Kathy Davisson
Authors, The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His! and
Livin' It and Lovin' It!

[enduring]

I thank you for your responses.  As far as having relations with my husband...I'm not there yet.  Another set of lies have just arose.  I've suspected for a while my husband was drinking & last nite I caught him red handed.  Even getting caught, he stood there before me & our girls & denied it!  I can't understand how he could lie to his kids without a blink of the eye.  He seems to have a split personality.  Just a bit earlier last nite he was consoling me after receiving the news my uncle was leaving my aunt.  I felt like we were connecting for a bit & then he goes & blows it!  We've had many issues in our marriage with his drinking.  I had given him an ultimatum yrs ago because it was destroying our marriage.  I've been suspicious but this confirmed it.  What was really disheartening is that my girls have been suspicious of him for some time.  How can you trust someone who can be so blatant about it.  I know he thinks he can hide it from us but there's no hiding from God.  Thank God I have a wonderful minister to help me through this.  I kept my youngest daughter home from school this morning because he kept her up late last nite & woke everyone early this morning, yelling at me calling me a "b" word & wacked out.  My minister spent more than an hour with my daughter helping her sort out her feelings.  I can't help but think my husband could really give a crap about anyone but himself.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi enduring. Welcome! I've added some articles in the Catch of the Day section with you and your husband in mind:

Defeating Addictions
Avoiding Concealment: Living Your Days As An Open Book
Behavior Change and Heart Change
The Loophole of Denial

These were all taken from the New Life Ministries website. You may find additional resources there as well. I believe the information in these articles can help you, your husband and perhaps the minister he trusts to develop a plan for getting to dealing with with the root of the problem(s). It is very important that you get to the root, otherwise, even if there is change, it will only be temporary.

Denial only adds to the problem, but another perspective is that the denial (in my mind) could be an indicator of hope. His denial may reveal a level of shame and that shame could be an indication that he does care on some level about how he is perceived by his wife and children. This is not to say that his behavior should be excused, but just to encourage you not to close your heart and mind to the possibility of change. With God, all things are possible.

[ccadroz93]

My husband is a pornography addict. I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict with 25 (priase God ) years of sobriety. I first knew of his addiction back in 1997. I caught him with a magazine. I didn't know what to do. I was relieved that he could take care of himself, but totally missed the boat on where I was failing him by not being intimate with him as he needs it.
Men are wired completely differently than us. Check out the book every heart restored. it is for women whose husbands struggle with sex addictions. 7 out of 10 men struggle with pornography:that includes men in church! I can guarentee you if he has an addictive personality he has that going on. The hardest thing in all this is realizing the last thing Iwant to do is the thing my husband needs most to help him in his recovery. Thankfully my husband is willing; from experience Ican tell you that although his behavior exhibits otherwise, he does care about you and your girls. He does not know how to show it as he is caught up in his spiral. Pray for a servants heart and the ability to see him as he is-a sick man that desperately needs help. I would also suggest Al-Anon Family groups. There is a reason why you married him.......it gets worse before it gets better and it is NOT EASY or FUN!!!!!      Sincerely, Been there done that!