My husband caused a lot of pain being unfaithful

[Girl Talk]

My husband has caused a lot of pain in the past by being unfaithful. I don't believe that he is being unfaithful now, but I can't seem to let the past go. Not that I can't forgive, but I can't forget. I feel like I'm in turmoil because I feel that I'm supposed to leave or get out of the relationship but I'm not sure if it's my plan or God's plan. How do I let go of the past and how do I know what I'm supposed to do regarding my relationship?

[Forum Administrator]

Trust, once broken, is a difficult thing to regain and rebuild. It's difficult, but it is possible. It requires action on the part of the one who has been betrayed, and the one who did the betraying. In order to rebuild trust, the offender (i.e. your husband), must consistently demonstrate that he has turned away from his infidelity and is committed to you and the marriage. Time and consistency are key. On your part, forgiveness is key for your healing and for rebuilding trust. Understand that healing through forgiveness is a process. You may have to time and again remind yourself of your decision to forgive. If you do not forgive, you will be chained to his past infidelity.

I will reiterate (and modify) some steps that I posted in response to another post (Letting go of the hurt and pain in the School of Fish [Life Issues Affecting Relationships] section of the forum). These steps will help you through the process.

Acknowledge your hurt and pain. It takes courage to look at the open wounds in our lives, and you cannot get help for what you  don't acknowledge is there. Be honest with yourself (and God) about how you really feel. Don't deny your hurt or try to act like the infidelity never happened. At the same time, resist the urge to use your husband's past infidelity as a weapon against him. Remember the goal is to bring about healing and restore or renew trust.

Stay focused. Don't add to your pain by trying to figure out why your husband did what he did to you. This will only confuse the issue. You cannot take responsibility for someone else's actions and you are not to blame for your husband's past decision(s) to be unfaithful. You can only take responsibility for your own actions.

Choose to forgive. Forgiveness is not about the other person; it's about you. Forgiveness may not release you from the memory of what caused you pain (and that's okay), but it will eventually release you from the pain itself. You can choose not to hold the offense against the person who has hurt you by understanding that:

• God has forgiven you. We have all made mistakes and done things wrong; we may have even hurt others through our words and actions. But God promises that if we confess (admit) our sins to Him, He will forgive us... every time! (I John 1:9) There is no limit to the number of times we can ask for forgiveness, and there are no restrictions on what we can ask forgiveness for. Christ died so that we can be forgiven of all our sins: past, present and future. (Remember that when Christ died, all of your sins (and mine) were future.) You are already forgiven; confessing your sins is just the process by which we acknowledge the power of Christ's death to forgive our sins and remove the consequences of guilt and shame from our lives.
  
  
• God requires you to forgive others, just as He has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32). You cannot give what you don't have. First receive God's forgiveness, and then give what you have received to someone else who needs it (i.e. your husband). Forgiveness does not have anything to do with whether or not the other person deserves it. We forgive because we love God and want to do what He says, and in forgiving others we walk in the freedom that God's forgiveness gives to us.
  
  
• Forgiveness releases you from your past. You cannot move into the future while you're holding on to your past hurts. God has given you the key to your own healing and freedom: forgiveness. When you do not forgive, it's like you're walking around holding a giant rock over the head of the person who has hurt you. It may (or may not) bother the person to know that there is a giant rock being held over his head, but it's your arms and hands that will hurt from holding the rock. Unforgiveness causes you pain. While you are holding the rock (of unforgiveness) you won't be able to pick up anything else, embrace anyone else, or be fully embraced by anyone else. Put the rock (of unforgiveness) down. Don't drop it on the person. Give it to God; He's asking you for it (1 Peter 5:7).
  

Repeat the process as often as necessary. Sometimes the prescription for pain (forgiveness) can be taken once, and that's all that's needed. But depending on the depth of your hurt and severity of your pain, you may have to take the prescription "as needed." Be aware that certain situations may remind you of past hurts. You will still remember them, but just because you remember, does not mean that you have not forgiven. But when you do remember, remember also that God has forgiven you and you have chosen to forgive. Repeat the process: acknowledge your hurt; stay focused; and choose to forgive.

Do not even attempt to deal with the decision of whether or not you should end the relationship until you have worked through your pain and can see things from a clearer perspective. If you are struggling living with your husband because of what he has done in the past, seek the assistance of a Christian Counselor (preferably a husband and wife team so that you both feel understood) to help you both work through the issues. Infidelity is a staggering blow to a marriage, but you have been able to regain enough trust to believe that your husband is now faithful which proves that it is possible for you to trust again.

Resource(s) to consider: I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Forgiveness" by Charles Stanley. You will find it listed on the resource page for marriage. This book will literally walk you through the process of forgiveness.

[Patricia Ashley]

Even though you are working through the process of forgiving and learning to trust again, a death has taken place in the spirit of your marriage and your spirit has been defiled by his immorality. In order for restoration and healing to take place, you and your husband need to go to the Word and begin to bless each other every morning. The power of the spoken word will cleanse your spirit and it will speak new life into the spirit of your marriage.
 
Proverbs 18: 21 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."
 
An example:
"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace."
You can say how you want the Lord to keep him and how you want the Lord to be gracious.
 
You can have your husband read the Word out loud to you. Start with a division of the Psalms a day or your favorite passage of the bible.

[Kecia Sims]

It's a blessing that you are willing to forgive.  It doesn't feel good to the flesh but forgiveness is very liberating spiritually.  

Ephesians 4:32  And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Just as we want to be forgiven when we sin, we must forgive those who sin against us.  I know it seems different or the pain multiplied when infidelity is the offense but Jesus went to the cross for every type of sin.
The beauty of the power of the Holy Spirit is that we have comfort and strength to forgive even when it is the "ultimate" offense.  However, our relationship with God is based on His own word.  If we make the decision to stay in marriage after adultery has been committed, then we are obligated to forgive and not hold it over the offenders head.  Hebrews 8:12  For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.

I would also encourage you to pray for your husband's restoration with God.  It's good to pray for your marriage but if you pray that he lines up with the word of God concerning his role as a husband, then your marriage is destined to be blessed.

Be encouraged my sister and know you are in our prayers.

Many blessings and much peace,
Kecia