A Real Man

[Novelist]

Greetings Gentlemen,

I would like to ask some questions about men and what their intentions are.  Not to say that we are suppose to know, but the thoughts of a man is different from a woman obviously and I was curious.  I am not indicating that all men are the same, but the majority rules so I had to think of some questions, so here it goes:

- Why is it difficult for a man to show his feelings for someone?

- Are men afraid of commitment, even though they have never been married or divorced?

-Is it possible for a man to be friends with an attractive woman without thinking about her physically?

- What is the meaning of love to most men, because with most of them, it does not come out to be emotional.

- When a man says he is busy all the time; working, taking care of his child/children, yet he makes his way to approach a woman, but does not make time to get to know her, his phone calls are short all the time, what is that saying to her?

- If a man does not take a woman out, does that mean he is not interested? Or does it mean he looks at this as an investment if he is going to take her out?

- Why does he lie about being friends with a woman when he is after more than that?

-Why does it seem like most men do not want to take women out anymore? not all women are gold diggers and want them for their money.

- What is with the excuses that they make especially when they are not that busy in the first place?

-If a man meets a decent woman, why does he show no interest in her?

- What are the main characteristics in a man's nature when he is seeking for his soul mate? I know it varies with every man, but the species I have come across are the same kind who does not care about hanging out, having fun, just being there from time to time.

- What are the most topics on a man's mind besides, money, cars, sex, women, more money?

[Novelist]

Where are the men? Can you provide some answers for this topic?  I look forward to your responses.


Thanks.

[saved]

Novelist,

Maybe this can help you and others.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant
to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different
women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if
he has more education or in a better job.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two
way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship
consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone
complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,
and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies.....
You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another
woman PREPARE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an
hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to
forget them.

[christianthought]

Novelist:
Good to see you are still breathing.  I am supposed to be getting ready for work, but here are some quick answers to your questions:


- Why is it difficult for a man to show his feelings for someone?

It's not that it's difficult all of the time.  It's just that men process emotion differently than women, and take longer to do it.  In many cases, though, the man has expressed exactly what he feels for a woman, either in word or deed or both.  It's just that the woman thinks 'What does he really mean by that,' or 'What is he really feeling,' instead of listening to exactly what he said, or watching exactly what he does. 

- Are men afraid of commitment, even though they have never been married or divorced?

Absolutely.

-Is it possible for a man to be friends with an attractive woman without thinking about her physically?

It's possible, but not very likely.  If he is Christian, though, then you should never know it, because that man would want his relationship with Jesus to be right more than he would want to think about you physically.  Most of the time.

- What is the meaning of love to most men, because with most of them, it does not come out to be emotional.

It is definitely emotional, but it's more than that; it is practical and demonstrated.  If a man loves or even likes you, he'll say or do something to show it.

- When a man says he is busy all the time; working, taking care of his child/children, yet he makes his way to approach a woman, but does not make time to get to know her, his phone calls are short all the time, what is that saying to her?

I LIKE THE THRILL OF THE HUNT, BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT YOU.  Either that, or he is trying to have you chase him so he can get some.

- If a man does not take a woman out, does that mean he is not interested? Or does it mean he looks at this as an investment if he is going to take her out?

Yes, it does mean that he isn't interested.  I mean, honestly, I am quite frugal, but I still think of dates as a necessary investment.  So I don't want to randomly date, because I don't want to throw away money.  If I want someone even a little bit, though, I will take them out. 

- Why does he lie about being friends with a woman when he is after more than that?

I can't speak for EVERY man, but with most friends of different genders, one (or both) want the other.  I mean, it really is kinda dumb to me, but many of the females that I am "friends," with, either I dated or would like to date.  So it may not be a lie.  Depends on what he is doing.

-Why does it seem like most men do not want to take women out anymore? not all women are gold diggers and want them for their money.

But many women are diggers.  It's similar to why many women are very guarded during a date; unreasonably so sometimes.  Why?  Because many have been conditioned to believe that every man is after the goodies.  Not every one is, but many are, so women are cautious.  Same thing with men.  Women guard the goodies, men guard their wallet.

That said, though, if a man wants you, he will find both the time and the means to take you out to somewhere.  Period.  I don't care what anybody says.

- What is with the excuses that they make especially when they are not that busy in the first place?

I LIKE THE THRILL OF THE HUNT, BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT YOU.  Either that, or he is trying to have you chase him so he can get some.

-If a man meets a decent woman, why does he show no interest in her?

Sometimes he isn't ready for a relationship, sometimes he just doesn't see her, I guess.  Same thing with women and decent men.  Many women complain that there aren't any decent men, when they know a lot of them.  They just aren't interested, or "don't see them like that."  I guess nobody is really at fault in those situations, but it still seems dumb to me.

- What are the main characteristics in a man's nature when he is seeking for his soul mate? I know it varies with every man, but the species I have come across are the same kind who does not care about hanging out, having fun, just being there from time to time.

When is man is looking, he is looking; there is no formula for that.  When he finds her, though, I don't believe that any force on this planet can keep him from her, because he is on a mission.

- What are the most topics on a man's mind besides, money, cars, sex, women, more money?

Hmm...food, sports, work, sex, women.  Wait; I can't use women or sex.  Ok... Jesus, if he is Christian.  Ministry.  Hobbies.  Maybe working out (not many, but some do).  That's all I can think of.  What answer are you looking for? 

[Novelist]

Thank you for your honest answers.  It truly makes me think relationships will not work out simply because men and women are far from understanding each other.  I am pessimistic about this because I am not sure if I will connect with someone real for a change.  Honestly, I may have to live with the fact that I may not experience the loving man of my desires.  Life is complicated enough and when a man does not show interest and he is busy thinking about women, sex, food, cars, work, money and himself, there is no room for a good woman because he is not trying to invest in the relationship.  I appreciate those responses because it has given me a new perspective on tough it is to obtain or maintain a relationship. 

A man will do what a man wants to do and if he is interested, nothing will hold him back, but in my experiences, men have not been the best to me and I have not been the best to myself as well.  It goes deeper than that because I have always wanted a meaningful relationship and it seem like when it comes to men, I could not receive what I was giving, which is my fault.  Love is a two way street and I have been on one way for a long time.  I am nearly afraid to give my heart to someone after hearing this because it is the raw truth.  I guess I rather know the truth than to perpetuate the same actions.  I did enough harm to myself and one is expecting a man to love me because he may never notice me, even if I am right in front of him.  It's too bad that relationships have to be this way.  Surely, I need strength from God in this situation.

[christianthought]

That isn't what I was insinuating when I answered your questions.  I am surprised at your perspective.  I just told you what men generally do, ie what heathen guys are looking at and thinking.  Not Godly men (for the most part).  I thought you would ask that, but you didn't.

I just wrote a LONG post replying to your Pity-post, but I just accidentally erased it. 

Main idea: You are anointed.  Get to work in the ministry.  Get back in your Word.  You are focused upon yourself now, and you are wrong for that.  People need you.  You are here for a time like this.  God has your man out there, and is preparing him just as he is preparing you.  So get to getting prepared, and don't whine.  We are here for you.  This is a ministry.  You are a ministry.  So do what you were born to do!

[Novelist]

Thank you for reminding me of my Pity post.  That was very catchy! I am only speaking from my own experience and that is where I am right now.  People will say what they want, but I am still hurting and I do not mean to be frank about this, but until you walk in my shoes, you cannot tell me what to feel.  Even the so called Godly men treat it the same way.  Most of these men are looking for super woman, a thin woman, a woman who has glamour, although I have my own style, but my point is men will do and think as they please, so I have to live with it.  It hurts, but hey, what can I do? They are either in jail, gay, players, already married, dating, just don't want anything to do with me, don't look my way or all of the above. My post could relate to other women who may not say a word about what they have been going through with men, but I appreciate your feedback and your honesty. 

[David Dupree]

Novelist, 
This is what you posted approximately 15min before you posted in this thread:

"You are right.  I cannot defend myself in this because it is the truth.  I have to Snap out of it! Why have I been in this place too long? There are many reasons because I have allowed low esteem and jealousy get in the way.  It is my fault and I blame no one for it.  I must get over it, no matter how long it takes, I have to find a way to get this right for a change.  My focus must be on God, yet I am looking in other places, faces, and I land no where.  Most times, I would take this personally, but I know you are being real with me about my attitude and being in this place for too long.  Yes, I have read many posts on loneliness, relationship, encouragement, and so forth.  The challenge is facing the now and what I see because I can easily desire something, but if it does not show up, what is next?  Will I ever get the desires of my heart and that is my fear.  Fear is one of my weak points right now because I am afraid of being alone.  That is not the right mentality I admit.  Everything is meaningless as I have read in Ecclesiates.  We build our lives around careers, friends, soul mate, family, getting the best we can in this life and sometimes it seem far away.  We pursue our dreams and then it turns out to be a nightmare instead.

I do not want to die in regret or misery.  If I continue to stress over the same issues, there is a problem and I am aware of that.  What I want is stability and security, love and understanding, happiness and joy, peace and calmness sometimes of my life.  Life is not perfect, I am not perfect, but at least have something to make my life memorable.  Gracious, I appreciate your love and concern for me and I mean that from my heart. "

Again, I would agree with you that you need to SNAP OUT OF IT!  How can you talk about your need to snap out of it and then 15 minutes later talk about no one can tell you how to feel.  The Bible says that a double-minded man/woman is unstable in all his/her ways.  You need to get positive and stay positive.  Don't stay positive when you have a positive affirmation and then go negative when you need company in your pity-party. 

Novelist, you have the Greater in you....use Him.  Ask the Saviour to help you, comfort strengthen and keep you; He is willing to aid you, Jesus will carry you through. 

You have what you Say!  Therefore you should say what you see so you can have what you said.  Call those things that are not as though they were.  Speak it into existence!! 

If you have asked God for what you want, then you have to believe that He is God enough to provide it.  Therefore you have to be patient enough to wait on God's timing.  That way you don't get bamboozled by counterfeits.  You have read my wife's book.  Now, go study it and put those principles to use! 

ddupree

p.s.  contrary to the chronicler in Ecclesiates, everything is not meaningless.  Your relationship with God is not meaningless.  Neither are the promises of God.  And since you are in God, neitehr is your Life meaningless.  You have meaning, you have value, you have purpose.   

[Novelist]

Regarding my last post, it was out of control and I am real enough to say that.  I speak from experience and what I feel intensely.  I am not pretending to be this holy woman in the clouds, floating in the air and speaking eloquently.  Sometimes, I get Agitated and Annoyed by things.  In particular, men who are not caring about relationships.  Yes, I will go there! I may be unstable in some of my ways and that is because I am not perfect.  Who is? I was wounded and hurt, what can you expect! As much as I like deep waters and I know you are about ministry, encouragement, praying and helping individuals with issues, yet you can speak to others as if they could be free from the hurt when they are human.  People are hurting and sometimes they do not want you to preach to them, but give them some realistic down to earth answers to their situations.  Everyone is not saved to receive the word or some may be saved, but are still a work in progress.  I started on the topic about men because that was my experience throughout the years.  My pity-post as someone quoted in a previous thread was said and I found that harsh, but that is okay, it was true.  I knew I had pity parties because I was in so much misery that you cannot begin to understand.  This is my point: People cannot effect me if they have not traveled the same or similar road as me.  I cannot be a marriage counselor if I had never married and gone through the trials and situations.  How can I help someone? How effective would I be?

There is so much on my mind right now because I read over the post and I know you are honest with me about my responses, yet how can you respond to my post and say what you said, "being double minded" as if I did not know that! I am not proud of it, though it was my valley experience.  My questions about "A Real Man" were asking questions about all men, a christian man or not, they think the same in some way or another.  My questions were received from men who obviously knew what they were talking about and that was a "A Real Man Perspective".  To be honest: Whether you care or not, I am a good woman, but experienced hardship with men and that is not all of their fault.  Some of the ones I have dealt with have contributed to my story because the way I was treated, not because I allowed them to do it, but they simply did not care.  I know about loving myself, loving God, and so forth, but I am a woman and sometimes I want attention.  Men and women want that right? That was my point. The point is that even if the man does not want the relationship, it is the way he conveys the way he feels about a woman that messes with me.  Emotions matter to me and when someone is playing with strings, it will get complicated.  If we do not start somewhere such as a friendship, how can we make it? That is why I made a big deal about it because men are not comprehensive when it comes to meaningful relationships.  A good woman as myself, wants to be noticed or taken out, but they will not invest in it because there are motives behind it. I find that to be the reason why women have esteem issues because the man who is in her life is not giving her what she need from him and it can happen vice versa.  Men need love too and I am not going to let the women off the hook because they mess up too.  However, men and women have egos right? We enjoy being complimented and received by one another, so allow me to express this.  Men and women cause issues among each other because people are busy hurting one another and do not give a care about it.  Whether he is christian or not, he is a man or a "christian man". 

Everything begins with self.  Every morning we wake up and go to the mirror and get dressed, attend to our workplace, family, friends, church, auxillaries, and the list goes on.  After all of this is done, we still want relationship.  This is apart of the human nature.  Men and women want love, but how can we want it so differently to where it tears others apart?  In I Corithians 13, The Love Chapter, it speaks of love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast or does not have pride, it never fails, but guess what? We do it all the time! In particular, men want a strong woman, attractive, smart, spiritual, a woman who can love him whether he is rich or not, to give him credit for what he deserves and that is his efforts for trying, a woman who will not be his mother, but show maternal instincts when she becomes the mother of his children, another man may want a naughty woman who does not care about herself, she can show all of her goods and make it worth his while because he is not going to marry her anyway, another man may want a woman with low self esteem because he can easily talk sweet nothings in her ear because she is not use to it, although she is low and easy, it was because another man or other situations in her life that contributed to her poor self-image and so she is no good for him because she was already abused and messed up before she came to him, but he found a way to break her down even more.  Wow! The diary of a mad woman! She does not have to be black, she is just a woman who deserves a good man, but what happened? He mistreated her from the beginning. 

I will continue to come to deepwaters because I like to read posts and respond and maybe I can relate to others.  I had to express my thoughts on this because I want you to know that I may not be perfect or have a double mind, but I did not get that way on my own.  I take full responsibility for what I do or don't do.  This is my opinion: There are some men out there who are hurting, manipulating, and not taking the time to be the "Real Man" that he need to be and learning how to recognize a good woman.  There is no excuse for his behavior and deciphering whether he is going to invest in her or not.  What happened to going out and having fun without thinking about what she is going to give in return?  This has been around for years and will never end.  I am done, until next time.  God Bless.


Novelist.