Letting go of the hurt and pain

[ready4healing]

How do you gradually let go of the hurt and pain one receives in a male-female relationship after many years?

[Forum Administrator]

How do you gradually let go of the hurt and pain one receives in a male-female relationship after many years?

Hello and thank you for your courage in asking this question. Letting go of hurt and pain is not an easy thing to do... but it is possible, and it is necessary. It's good that you realize that letting go is a gradual process: it's not something that happens overnight. Here are some steps that will help you through the process.

Acknowledge your hurt and pain. It takes courage to look at the open wounds in our lives, and you cannot get help for what you  don't acknowledge is there. Be honest with yourself (and God) about how you really feel. Don't deny your hurt or try to act like the thing that caused you pain never happened.

Stay focused. Don't add to your pain by trying to figure out why the person did what they did to you. This will only confuse the issue. You cannot take responsibility for someone else's actions. You can only take responsibility for your own actions. As the old song says, "It's me, it's me, it's me, oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer!"

Choose to forgive. Forgiveness is not about the other person; it's about you. Forgiveness may not release you from the memory of what caused you pain (and that's okay), but it will eventually release you from the pain itself. You can choose not to hold the offense against the person who has hurt you by understanding that:

• God has forgiven you. We have all made mistakes and done things wrong; we may have even hurt others through our words and actions. But God promises that if we confess (admit) our sins to Him, He will forgive us... every time! (I John 1:9) There is no limit to the number of times we can ask for forgiveness, and there are no restrictions on what we can ask forgiveness for. Christ died so that we can be forgiven of all our sins: past, present and future. (Remember that when Christ died, all of your sins (and mine) were future.) You are already forgiven; confessing your sins is just the process by which we acknowledge the power of Christ's death to forgive our sins and remove the consequences of guilt and shame from our lives.
  
  
• God requires you to forgive others, just as He has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32). You cannot give what you don't have. First receive God's forgiveness, and then give what you have received to someone else who needs it (i.e. the person who has hurt you). Forgiveness does not have anything to do with whether or not the other person deserves it. We forgive because we love God and want to do what He says, and in forgiving others we walk in the freedom that God's forgiveness gives to us.
  
  
• Forgiveness releases you from your past. You cannot move into the future while you're holding on to your past hurts. God has given you the key to your own healing and freedom: forgiveness. When you do not forgive, it's like you're walking around holding a giant rock over the head of the person who has hurt you. It may (or may not) bother the person to know that there is a giant rock being held over his head, but it's your arms and hands that will hurt from holding the rock. Unforgiveness causes you pain. While you are holding the rock (of unforgiveness) you won't be able to pick up anything else, embrace anyone else, or be fully embraced by anyone else. Put the rock (of unforgiveness) down. Don't drop it on the person. Give it to God; He's asking you for it (1 Peter 5:7).
  

Repeat the process as often as necessary. Sometimes the prescription for pain (forgiveness) can be taken once, and that's all that's needed. But depending on the depth of your hurt and severity of your pain, you may have to take the prescription "as needed." Be aware that certain situations may remind you of past hurts. You will still remember them, but just because you remember, does not mean that you have not forgiven. But when you do remember, remember also that God has forgiven you and you have chosen to forgive. Repeat the process: acknowledge your hurt; stay focused; and choose to forgive.

Resource(s) to consider: I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Forgiveness" by Charles Stanley. You will find it listed on the resource page for singles. This book will literally walk you through the process of forgiveness.

[Soulbear]

My advice is that we have feelings and we are allowed to have our feelings.  Let go and move on is my advice.  Learn to create your own happiness and not be dependent on the happiness of another person other than Jesus.

[chickadee]

Hello and thank you for your courage in asking this question. Letting go of hurt and pain is not an easy thing to do... but it is possible, and it is necessary. It's good that you realize that letting go is a gradual process: it's not something that happens overnight. Here are some steps that will help you through the process.

Acknowledge your hurt and pain. It takes courage to look at the open wounds in our lives, and you cannot get help for what you  don't acknowledge is there. Be honest with yourself (and God) about how you really feel. Don't deny your hurt or try to act like the thing that caused you pain never happened.

Stay focused. Don't add to your pain by trying to figure out why the person did what they did to you. This will only confuse the issue. You cannot take responsibility for someone else's actions. You can only take responsibility for your own actions. As the old song says, "It's me, it's me, it's me, oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer!"

Choose to forgive. Forgiveness is not about the other person; it's about you. Forgiveness may not release you from the memory of what caused you pain (and that's okay), but it will eventually release you from the pain itself. You can choose not to hold the offense against the person who has hurt you by understanding that:

• God has forgiven you. We have all made mistakes and done things wrong; we may have even hurt others through our words and actions. But God promises that if we confess (admit) our sins to Him, He will forgive us... every time! (I John 1:9) There is no limit to the number of times we can ask for forgiveness, and there are no restrictions on what we can ask forgiveness for. Christ died so that we can be forgiven of all our sins: past, present and future. (Remember that when Christ died, all of your sins (and mine) were future.) You are already forgiven; confessing your sins is just the process by which we acknowledge the power of Christ's death to forgive our sins and remove the consequences of guilt and shame from our lives.
  
  
• God requires you to forgive others, just as He has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32). You cannot give what you don't have. First receive God's forgiveness, and then give what you have received to someone else who needs it (i.e. the person who has hurt you). Forgiveness does not have anything to do with whether or not the other person deserves it. We forgive because we love God and want to do what He says, and in forgiving others we walk in the freedom that God's forgiveness gives to us.
  
  
• Forgiveness releases you from your past. You cannot move into the future while you're holding on to your past hurts. God has given you the key to your own healing and freedom: forgiveness. When you do not forgive, it's like you're walking around holding a giant rock over the head of the person who has hurt you. It may (or may not) bother the person to know that there is a giant rock being held over his head, but it's your arms and hands that will hurt from holding the rock. Unforgiveness causes you pain. While you are holding the rock (of unforgiveness) you won't be able to pick up anything else, embrace anyone else, or be fully embraced by anyone else. Put the rock (of unforgiveness) down. Don't drop it on the person. Give it to God; He's asking you for it (1 Peter 5:7).
  

Repeat the process as often as necessary. Sometimes the prescription for pain (forgiveness) can be taken once, and that's all that's needed. But depending on the depth of your hurt and severity of your pain, you may have to take the prescription "as needed." Be aware that certain situations may remind you of past hurts. You will still remember them, but just because you remember, does not mean that you have not forgiven. But when you do remember, remember also that God has forgiven you and you have chosen to forgive. Repeat the process: acknowledge your hurt; stay focused; and choose to forgive.

Resource(s) to consider: I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Forgiveness" by Charles Stanley. You will find it listed on the resource page for singles. This book will literally walk you through the process of forgiveness.

I saw a conversation rather like this at another forum.  Saying pretty much what you are saying.  Soulbear disagreed there.  You have made an excellent point though in that unforgiveness hurts no one but the one who will not forgive.  My congratulations on a good start here.  I may have to stop back and look around from time to time
Chickadee

[Forum Administrator]

While we welcome replies to topics posted, we want to make sure that information that is posted is beneficial (and not offensive) to those who come here looking for answers to their particular relationship issues.

If a person has come to the forum asking how to let go of hurt and pain, to offer advice to "let go and move on" is, well... not very helpful.

We want to make every effort to ensure that in our encouragements to one another we are clear and that we do not give occasion for anyone to stumble. "Create your own happiness" is a statement that might be taken the wrong way, if not clearly explained.  

Again, we welcome replies, comments or subsequent posts to topics, but let us be mindful one of another... that includes me too!

This post has been modified so that the original intent is clear. If the previous post was offensive to anyone, please accept my sincere apologies.

[Novelist]

Honestly, letting go of hurt from my perspective has been an endless struggle.  I want to let go, but it is difficult due to the pain set in one place, which is my heart.  With my emotions, I look for comfort and reassurance, so to an extent, I am not over my hurt and pain.  But for anyone who is trying to get over hurt, I will not give advice because I am not strong enough to encourage someone else right now.  

That is the beauty of honesty because I know what I have a problem with, but when I am confronted by people and things that I don't like, it erupts all over again, but I know sooner or later my hurts are going to be wiped out because God is working on me.  Truly, I believe that is why I am progressing because of my willingness to let God take over and help me to get through unseeming memories of the past hurts and wounds that I nurtured for so long.  

[Novelist]

Letting go is difficult when hurt has become resonant inside of you.  It seem to repeat the hurts over again without stopping.  In particular, my hurts and pains have to do with past relationships and I am still getting over the hurts.  Again and again, I would ask myself, why me?  What did I do wrong?  The heart is emotional and can be tender at different moments.  Whether it was the way someone spoke to you, looked at you, and that can develop insecurities within.  For a long time and even now I am still learning how to keep myself under control when it comes to hurt.

Getting past the feelings are the roots which are gripping and stripping me apart.  I want to be happy and move on, but my strength has to regain because for so long, I have allowed myself, people, and things to consume me.  Right now, I am coming into the realm of forgiveness, but not completely.  I still need to work on letting go and healing one day at a time.  It takes time to heal.  Everyone has their own pace to ease their pain.  Some are longer, some are shorter, so all I can do is take one day at a time to get over my pains and hurts.  As much as I want to be happy, the hurt has left residue, scum, and stains.  So now, it is up to me to begin to wash, wipe, and wait on God for complete deliverance.  

In my past, I was in a relationship and it was bad for me.  I thought I had everything, my man, my love, and friends, but things were not going well because I thought I was in love, but it was lust instead.  I decided to give him apart of me and fell in love with him physically.  When our relationship came to an end, I was made with myself because I felt like everything was my fault, so I endured the pain.  The hurt and pain were my misery partners.  There was nothing no one could fill at the moment.  My heart was broken and that was it.  I focused on my loneliness, hardship, and guilt.  Everything I did was not pleasing to God and now I was paying for it.

I say this because I came along way from that situation, but there were more hurdles to climb, even now.  Deep inside, I wanted someone in my life to complete me and hold me.  I wanted that satisfaction and I still do.  My emotions are detectable and if anyone would ever meet me, you can probably see that in me, but my emotions were working against me and taking over instead of me controlling the way I felt.  Hurt is still there and I want to grow and mature.  But all I can do is take one day at a time.  Bad things were said about me whether true or false, but the point was, I was hurt.  Letting go is not easy because when things come, here comes another hideous memory waiting to consume me.  All I have is God and me.  One day at a time is all I can do.