A Wife Who Turned to the Arms of Another Woman

[ReeC]

I was married 12 years, and 6 years into the marriage there was a disconnection. I had our child after 5 years of marriage and from the date of her birth, there was a shift.  After four pregnancies--two lost in miscarriage; one premature birth (which caused the death of the baby)--I had a daughter. After12 hours of labor, and not 2 hours after the delivery, my husband left me at the hospital to go hear Bishop Jakes.  Devastated, not understanding, and feeling bad because I didn't want to say that he should be there with me because I felt that was something that he should know.  I was discharged from the hospital the next day and he picked me up, dropped me off at home, and my girlfriends came over to assist me because again, he wanted to go hear Bishop Jakes.  Now, understand he was on the ministry team at our local church and he said that he had an obligation to the ministry and the position that he holds.  Of course, that left me feeling selfish and guilty thinking that I should not be upset about his wanting more of "God," so I said nothing.  The beginning of a downward spiral.

It was always church, responsibility, work... no in between unless our communication was in the sheets and of course after a while, that was played.  No longer did the joy of being a new mom and new dad excite us. Within three months I felt like a single mother, married to a man. No communication consistency, it seemed as if we weren't husband and wife, but roommates.

Our situation graduated from bad to worse in a matter of months.  Our child was nursed from my breast, so he felt like there really wasn't a need for him to do much because I solely fed her... but he could have bathed her, changed her diapers, or just watched her while I slept.  As years progressed, our child slept with me and he slept in her room. What is wrong with that picture?  The only time he slept with me was when he wanted sex, and then after that explosion, back to the other room he went.  Months of this and finally, I realized we no longer prayed together, encouraged each other, or even respected each other. We were married and not even friends. Where did the love go?

Well, months of not dealing with issues that we had come across and sweeping stuff under the carpet and really not addressing situations when they occurred built a deep wedge into our relationship and bitterness started to set in.  He would come home from work and expeditiously start preparing sermons, writing his books and not paying me any attention because again, he was committed to God and he was on assignment.  I was excluded from his assignments that God had given him.  I was not included in the writings of his books, nor was I the woman that God had assigned to add to him.  Being told I should act like "her", dress like "her" talk like "her" made me realize, he didn't like/love "me".  A hard pill to swallow, but really he didn't like himself.

All of the prayers throughout our home, 4 a.m. prior to him leaving for work, never included me.  One morning I asked him, does God speak to you about me and his response was NO and you can't get upset about God not speaking to me about you, you need to be upset with God.  WOW! Who would believe that God would not mention you to your mate?  Didn't he care? Didn't he want the marriage to be fortified in the spirit of Christ and work?  Why would God not mention me, his rib, to the man of God?  Why am I not a part of the ministry that God is developing in you and how come we don't have ministry together?  These were the questions I asked myself. Certainly we are both called, that isn't in question; but he said that God hadn't said anything to him about me concerning anything, ministry or otherwise.  What a blow! That took me for a loop!

That was the sliding board into the next dimension. I didn't care anymore. When he came in the room, tension was there. When I saw him, blocks and walls went up. I was not free to be me because I was so locked down and numb in my emotions towards him and mad at myself for making a vow to God that I would stay... for better or for worse.  We were at the worse, and I couldn't see it getting better, so I suggested that I leave the marriage.  He said no, we can do this. I said no... I am gone. But before I leave I give in and stay.  For about two weeks, it was good, but then we were back to the old way of doing things: no communication; no intimacy; sex every now and then; and certainly we didn't even smile at each other.  What a miserable way to live.  Every day, the only smiles exchanged were between me and my child, or him and the child.  No family photos, no family gatherings. We didn't even sit at the table and eat together. He drove his car; I drove my car, but of course the car seat stayed in my car and again... single mom syndrome.

Not feeling loved at all, and tired of seeing him in the pulpit exalting, preaching, prophesying and living a lie at home; no love, no friendship and I began to die.  Now, I had a responsibility too, but I didn't care anymore. I stopped praying, trusting, fasting and loving God as I did before.  I felt like God removed himself from the relationship and I hated that I ever married this man.  The hope in me didn't die all the way because I still believed that God could fix it. I just didn't know how to allow God to be in the midst of the mess that was going on in my life.  I didn't know how to surrender and let things go and let God do it. So, I just started doing things myself.

Confiding in my "best friend" and sharing all that was going on in my house was the start of what ended up in disaster.  Now let me preface by saying most of my friends that would come over experienced him not responding to me, in any kind of way.  They saw the disconnection and watched how he handled me, so it wasn't a mystery about us and our relationship. But lets roll back to the "best friend".  She loved me and everything about me.  I had gained weight and she told me that I was still pretty. I lost the weight and she said that I was the bomb. She said that I was intelligent and I had a lot going for myself. She told me everything that I needed to hear him say.  She took me to the movies, lunch, dinner the amusement parks; bought my child clothes, book bags for school; we cooked together and went on trips, and the list goes on. Then SUDDENLY, there is a shift in my response to her and her response to me.  Now keep in mind, this "lifestyle" had been her experience before. She had encountered lesbianism and I had engaged before too in my teen years growing up being experimental. But there is a difference in having an experience and a relationship.  A RELATIONSHIP is a lifestyle. You live it, you breath it, you become it and in a matter of about two years, the intensity of our friendship crossed the line. For eleven years of our friendship we had been close, best friends and all of that, now we were emotionally tied, connected in another way and it seemed like it was out of control.

I did not pay attention to the signs that were in my face because of course I, like many others decided within myself, she would never, and I would never, cross the line. But the line was already crossed in our minds. Eventually, the time added to the comfort of us just being together, going everywhere together and we ended up in a place that we shouldn't be: TOGETHER.  Initially, it was gross; it was terrible. How could we do this? It happened again. And after time, no longer was it out of the norm: it became the lifestyle, it became the outlet and the way out of the dim world I lived in with my husband.  It was a counterfeit of the peace, joy, hope that I longed for with my husband that never came to pass.

I told him the truth. I exposed myself. The Lord had dealt with me in a way that I could not allow myself to die any longer.  We went to counseling and he didn't want to work it out, so we didn't.  After all of that, I said to God, "I don't know if I could ever be restored to my husband and really I don't want to be. I just need to get back in right relationship with Christ. But if that is Your divine purpose and will for my life, I say 'yes' because I realize that God has the keys to the kings heart, and I knew that I was willing to try again."

Some things in life are lost due to disobedience, or stubbornness. Both of those things encountered our relationship.  We are divorced but the beauty of all of this is I am in place. God is pleased with my life and I want others to know that you can get out!  God is able... Now unto him, that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our Saviour be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. - Jude 1:24-25
Also view the post I'm waiting for a man, but ended up with a woman.

[ethereal]

WOW! It is amazing how a marriage maybe mot "made in heaven" can cause us to make such terrible and irrational decisions. I was once a "single married man", so I understand how difficult that was. I was in this state both unsaved and saved and when you are saved, the enemy fights soo very hard to get us to stray. Considering the heart seems to have it's own agenda (if not submitted to God) it will take over. I am so very glad that you are back where you belong, despite the consequences. May I encourage you in a few things: 1) Don't let ANYONE drag you into condemnation. They aren't you. They weren't there. God has done what He needed to do with you. 2) The enemy will not let you forget what you've done. He will visit you thoughts and dreams and suggestions. Tell him, in no subtle manner, that he has to do better than that. No matter what you've done, it's who you are that matters. 3) Continue to share your testimony as God allows. Everything that we have been through, are going through or will go through, can serve as a stepping stone for someone else. God Bless!

[Keeping It Real]

WOW! Thanks for sharing this. We need more people like you who will keep it real.
What happened between you and your "best friend"? Are you still friends? If not, how did you end it? If you are still friends, how are you handling that?

[ReeC]

Actually, we are not friends at all.   I realized the tie that had been made between us had to be destroyed.  I knew that our friendship could not survive at all because of the level it had gone to, we could not continue in a "friendship", firstly because she didn't want that from me.  Her point was, we are out, this is what I love and if you want to go to church and serve God, and be Holy that was fine...... but she wanted me to continue in the relationship.  THE DEVIL IS AND WAS A LIAR.  One thing about the spirit of Lust is that it never gives, it always takes, but it leaves you with its issues.... whatever they may be, low self esteem, jealousy, envy, strife, just to name a few, but lust is greedy and it is NEVER satisfied, so it does not care if you go to church, preach, prophesy, sing on the praise team, it comes to kill you, to control you and ultimately it destroys you and sex is not the only form of lust!  That is where we (the church) go wrong.. but that in and of itself is another subject and I want to stay right here, but the reality was, if I wanted the fulness, the purpose and the power of God to be in my life, I had to allow God to SHUT THE DOOR!  The best friend to her that I could be was to let her go.  Cut all ties, communication and fellowship..... I even moved to another area to avoid any more contact and to get out of the house where the affair took place.  Forgetting those things that are behind..... pressing towards God and keeping my face towards God, my mind stayed on him, literally speaking to myself and declaring that I was whole, I was healed, I was FREE!  We have allowed the lie of you can't get delivered from a same sex relationship, but the DEVIL IS A LIAR and we can, some of us just don't want to work out our soul salvation.  It is work.  It is not just saying a prayer and not living out what is required of you, meaning you cut it off, whatever the cost.  You let it go, you don't explain, you don't compromise.  The real love is that you no longer jeopardize that persons soul.  Love is letting you go, being a friend is cutting you off, so that we can live in Christ Jesus.  Don't think you are going to continue in this wonderful friendship because you have "shared" so much w/this person...... no that is a stronghold and as soon as lonliness, depression, or low self esteem kicks up its ugly head.... you will begin to retro back to I remember when...... so to avoid those times, get rid of it, her, him or whoever would keep you entangled in the yoke of bondage.  God bless and keep you, in Jesus name..... amen!
ReeC