For those that desire marriage...why?

[Butterfly]

I was asked this question last night by someone that I really love, and who really loves me as well.   We have come to this point several times in our relationship for various reasons.   He is a minister and knows the word, we are both divorced, however I believe he is still dealing with some underlying issues that he has not addressed with his divorce.  Also, women are constantly throwing themselves at him (inside the church as well as outside) and I know that this is his weakness that he needs to be delivered from though he does not himself realize it or he chooses not acknowledge it.  Whichever the case, right now we are not in a relationship, we are friends and I am quite comfortable with that but we do share very close knit friendship which leads to very in depth conversations about us and our future and last night he asked me why do I wish to be married.  So I was wondering why other Christian singles desire to be married and if they shared the same reasons as myself. 

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Butterfly. I'm sure you'll get some responses on this one. What are your reasons for wanting to be married? 

[Butterfly]

I have many reasons but I will attempt to be brief:

1)  I want my relationship to be blessed by my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

2)  I believe the most unequivocal way to show ones lifelong commitment between a man and a woman is through marriage.

3)  I don't condemn those that have had children outside of marriage, but I believe that children should be born within the confines of marriage.

4)  I want to have someone to share every aspect of my life with.

5)  It is hard to love someone, be in love with that person, date them be physically attracted to them and continue to "keep" yourself.   Therefore, I don't want to position myself to fornicate.   

[live4god]

i believe that i desire marriage for many of the same reasons that you do.  I am a firm believer in the Bible and what it says.  As a female, there are certain things that I do desire in my life, having someone there to love me, having kids, having someone in my life to share in all things, including sex.  Biblically, the only way that is acceptable is through marriage, since we shouldn't be fornicating.  Plus, the commitment and giving to your life to someone else that you truly love and trust and feels the same for you, is a beautiful thing that a lot of people spend their lives looking for.

[Breathedonme]

By reading my response, please know that I've been terribly hurt in a marriage where my husband walked out on our family for a younger woman and then dragged me through a horrible divorce proceeding which took years and thousands and thousands of dollars.

I have forgiven him, but it has made me more apprehensive of being with anyone.

I always thought that I HAD to have a man in my life.  As a result, I made terrible decisions, particuarly in my backslidden condition.

Now, that my relationship with Christ has grown, He has shown me that I didn't NEED a man, but that His desire was to give me one, if I so choose.

I have been on my own raising my children for over 8 years now.  I have become so accustomed to being on my own and not having to answer to anyone, that it scares me to give this up.  On the otherhand, it would be nice to have a companion to enjoy from time-to-time.

Now that I am older, having someone without a whole lot of drama would be nice, I suppose.

Why would I want to be married?  The companionship and financial stability, but my problem is that I look at the more negative side of it -- the arguments, times of distance, etc. 

As I minister to other women who are married, many saved and married to men of the cloth -- I AM VERY CONCERNED and it keeps me from not wanting to marry.

I have this one Pastor friend whose wife divorced him after 20+ years.  For the past 3-4 years he has been looking for a wife.  Why?  Because he can't stand sleeping alone -- he wants legal and justified sex.  THAT'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON!!!

So, my question here is are we looking at the entire picture as it pertains to being married?  Are we willing to sacrifice and give our all?  Are we willing to endure the hardships that come as well as enjoy the good times.

Maybe something is wrong with me . . . it's a blessing to help these hurting women I encounter to grow and be better people, but on the personal side of it -- it really makes me feel more and more against it.

[bishopbiscuits]

Hmmm.... that's almost like asking me why I like my favorite color? 

..........I say because I desire the manifold intimacy of a growing, committed relationship. Someone who complements me and I them. To evolve together, having already established and then continually reaffirming  the high value that we give to one another. A life partner.
.........I don't have a fairytale view of marriage, but I have a vision for the peace that I want to be in the midst through God's enabling, and will work for the peace and trust to be there.
..........I just want God, and truth in it, from the very beginning. May it last ever after, with much happiness spread throughout 

[bishopbiscuits]

P.S.     I am also curious about his reason for asking.
........Is he trying to encourage you to put your plans and desires on hold indefinitely?
......... Is he really working some things out between him and God, and just needs a little more time?
......... Or is he just confused because he was comfortable with things as they have been, while seeing your desires going in a direction that is evoking questions he just hasn't answered within himself as far as what he wants and needs in a relationship.
......Or is he just plain afraid of the unpredictable?

[Butterfly]

P.S.     I am also curious about his reason for asking.
........Is he trying to encourage you to put your plans and desires on hold indefinitely?
......... Is he really working some things out between him and God, and just needs a little more time?
......... Or is he just confused because he was comfortable with things as they have been, while seeing your desires going in a direction that is evoking questions he just hasn't answered within himself as far as what he wants and needs in a relationship.
......Or is he just plain afraid of the unpredictable?

I don't know the answer to that question, but I did ask him why is he so afraid of marriage.  You see a few years ago, we broke up and he did end up getting engaged to another young lady and ended up breaking the engagement after three months and we eventually got back together.   He has told me on more than one occasion not to put my plans on hold for him and I wouldn't do that anyway.  We are not in a committed relationship at the moment and he knows that so If I do meet someone that compliments me and desires a relationship that could evolve into a marriage then I would be open to that.   I am just the type that is very cautious when it comes to men.  I have a 15 yr old daughter and I have to be.   I have been married before so I am not going to just plunge into anything with anyone unless I really feel comfortable  and trust that individual.   

Is he working some things out between He and God?  I don't know this for sure, but I pray for him daily that he is.  And I do this as his friend not for my own benefit because he is a great man of God (He is a minister) who is human and I see him as being an even greater man of God if he is delivered from his weaknesses. The unfortunate thing is, I know that his other Pastor friends within his church see this as well.  I don't know why they don't sit him down and have and honest conversation with him about this.   

As for my desires for marriage, I don't think he is feeling any pressure in that area.  It is he that has said many times before that whe have straddled the fence at different times in our relationship and that is what led to our confusion.  Right now with our friendship/relationship as it is, we have addressed the fact that with the love that we share and the relationship that we have shared in the past ( last year we were discussing marriage)  we are going to have to decide on a direction for our relationship in the forthcoming months. We both agree to this.  We don't sit down and discuss it on a daily basis though and honestly I am to busy to even think about it on a daily basis.  I just pray that God gives wisdom and give us guidance and direction for our relationship. 

[Breathedonme]

Bishop B - actually that is a great question -- why do you like your favorite colors?

[bishopbiscuits]

Butterfly,

...........I am glad that you two have addressed some questions already.
............Whichever way things go between you two, there will be things to work out. I will keep you in prayer.
..........Above all else, My desire is that God would get the glory in your lives individually as well as in your fellowship.

Breathedonme,

.........It's only because I have considered the question before and my answers that I could have something "tangible" to share.
........I  have actually not put much thought into the why of my favorite colors.  Just as a child coloring with my crayons, I began to have a few favorites 
........The one thing that I do know is that I like rainbows!

.........One true thing is that people are not as simple as crayons, and neither are relationships.

[Breathedonme]

Bishop,

Well stated -- and as a child, when looking at a box of crayons we choose what appears to be appealing, but sometimes when we begin coloring we realize it wasn't exactly the color we wanted.  So, we try another color.

Isn't that very much like relationships and unfaithfulness?  Anyway, that's a WHOLE different topic, but I think there is a sermon somewhere in there (LOL).

Relationships are complicated and therefore, personally, I feel certain questions that seem silly or the answers seem apparent, we need to ask.  Like yours -- why do I like certain colors?

Some marriage counselors, in the Body of Christ, find that in pre-marital counseling many questions are not asked, but should be asked between the couples.  For example, which you probably know, "what are the ways you believe your future children should be disciplined?" or "what types of sexual acts do you disagree with?" or what are your true beliefs concerning certain Biblical principles, etc.

So, while we have a desire to have a spouse, which is a natural thing given by God (this we know because He has told us so), however, we should raise questions asking ourselves what do we think our real reasons for wanting a spouse are.  I say this particularly to those of us who seem more desparate than others for it, e.g., my Pastor friend who I referenced previously.  Marrying just to have sex isn't a good reason at all. 

To want to marry someone to give of yourself is something more to consider and then, personally, it holds hands with wanting to receive certain things in return.  However, one had better enter it wanting to give.

A woman pastor in a church I once attended warned the sisters who wanted husbands so badly to question themselves about what they understood marriage to be.  Were they willing to cook and clean?  Were they willing to be submissive to that husband (but not abused)?  Etc.

Just my 2 cents worth (smile). 

[moderndayEsther]

Praise Him all!
Your desire to be married is almost ruled out by God's desire for you, for those that are wanting to live in His perfect will.  Personally, I do desire to be married, but I have had to realize that if God wills it to be different for me I want His PERFECT will to reign in my life more than any of my own personal desires.  Anywhoo, God has been teaching me in this area of marriage and what it really is--a ministry.  The thing about God is that he is purposeful.  He does not do anything for the total sake of it being done.  He is going to bring two believers together for a purpose beyond just marriage.  Marriage is just an added benefit to the plan.  God unites two anointings to make a mighty blow--a powerhouse.  The ultimate purpose is to build the Kingdom of Heaven up.  God is soul-minded even when He is writing and orchestrating our love stories.  Our marriages should be driven to build the Kingdom of God.  And we all know what happens when you allow the mind that was also in Christ Jesus to be in us...things start happenin' beyond what we could ask or think.  If I were to desire marriage it would be to definitely love someone inspite of themself, take care of someone (cook, iron, clean the house, take their clothes to the cleaners,etc.), SUPPORT someone (this is such a big thing to me...like if I were in a relationship even if I were just courting an individual I would pray to God that He would allow me to be present whenever my young man of God was speaking, singing, playing, preaching, dancing, ushering, etc.  They need our support!  Also, the MAIN reason is to unite our anointings, to become a unit of a POWERHOUSE of God that can tear down strongholds in the name of Jesus.