Forbidden Attraction

[Novelist]

Greetings to everyone in deep waters.  Well, here I am again with an issue.  An issue of attraction.  I have an attraction toward this young man and I know he is not right for me.  First of all, it all started when his close friend moved next door to me and I did not pay attention to my new neighbors that much because I was in and out most of the time.  One day, I drove into the drive way and parked my car after a pretty busy day and when I was walking to the door, he started talking to me out of no where.  At times, people will strike conversation and it could be something funny they said or something you said, whatever the case maybe.  As time went on, he was visiting his friend and I found myself being blocked most of the time.  Well, he was blocking me and I had to ask him to move his car so I can get out.  So one day I told him, "You need to stop blocking me" and he said, "Well, maybe I like blocking you".  After a while, we started chatting more and I looked at him a second time and realized how cute he was to me.  However, I know that he is not going in the same direction as I am, but I have this attraction toward him.  One thing I don't like about him is that he smokes, but he has so much potential.  Honestly, I think about him sometimes and when I see him, all we do is stare at each other and smile.  He is a good person, but I know he is wrong for me.  It is tough because he has great people skills, (that's probably why he is a charmer and likes women so much) So, one day, we were talking and he was telling me about his plans in life and how he wants to settle down and be married one day.  As we continued, he was telling me how beautiful I was and how he felt a connection with me, but he could not explain it.  In the midst of our converse, we stared in each other's eyes and it felt magical.  In fact, he has nice eyes.  Oftentimes, when we are talking, he always had something nice to say about me and it was complimenting and I was flattered.

The other issue, he told me that he was attached to someone and that he did not want to get involved with me because of that.  He implied that if he had the chance to date me he would.  Now that was odd because most times, men if they could get away with it, they will not tell you a thing and just pretend as if they are single to mingle, but he was honest and that is what I like about him.  He told me that he does not lie because he wants other people to know what is going on with him, which I agree, he should not lie to anyone, especially women.  Another time, I was blocked in and wanted to drive up the street to go to buy something to eat, he offered to take me (no big deal) but it was nice of him.  On the way, we talked and shared a few laughs and while we were sitting again, there goes our eyes, meeting in the same place of passion.  It is tough for me because I like this man, but he is not available.  Finally, we exchanged numbers and he called me one time, but I never called him.  I am not sure as to conduct this association.  I want to be friends with him, but that would be impossible because I am attracted to him on another level.  He is charming, intelligent, dress nice and I know he knows about God, but I am not sure where his relationship stands with him.  In confidence, he shared somethings about his relationship and I told him to pray about it and know that God can work it out.  In the same breath, I told him to go to God as he was and he will listen.  After saying that, he was like, "Yeah, you are right, I need to go to him and pray."

Overall, I just don't want to be in the way of anyone's relationship.  I am not the kind of woman who wants another woman's man.  I have respect for his relationship.  I remember he said something so thoughtful, I could not believe it.  He said, if I am married with children and I see you walking down the street, I would take out the time to greet you.  That is very nice.  I know this is a forbidden attraction because of what I feel toward him and I am trying to keep my composure whenever I see him.  However, it does not help when he is flirting with me, winking his eyes, staring at me, and making comments.  I am not sure where all of this is going, but I know that my feelings for him has to leave before my feelings get too involved.  Someone please give me some advice.

Novelist.

[pressingon]

Hi Novelist.

I would be very careful if I was you.  You have to protect your heart and feelings.  At times I've found myself being attracted to men that I know are not good for me as well.  I can tell because I start trying to make excuses for them to cover up what the Holy Spirit has allowed me to dicern about them.  And you've already dicerned that he's not going in the same direction as you.

In order to protect yourself I would no longer spend time with him.  If you see him, speak...but don't allow yourself to get any more involved then you already have.  I know its hard.  Not to generalize but as women...we get emotionally involved really quickly.  But sense he's stated that he feels a connection with you but is attached to someone else...He sounds like he's in a state of "Confusion".  And you don't want to get involved in that.  Stay encouraged. 

[Novelist]

Yes, it is tough for me to ignore my feelings toward him.  Usually, I am emotionally involved and I am trying to change that.  Although I still desire a relationship, I am not sure if this is steming from that, but he is a cool guy.  What if he asks for a hug or wants to hang out as friends?  Or even converse on a general level, but that usually turns into something personal, so I am not sure about that.  What to do then?  This is crazy, I just need to pray about my feelings toward him and get rid of them. 

[Breathedonme]

Novelist,

Based on your post in the earlier thread about "Void."  I have two words to tell you --

SET UP!!!

Sister, it isn't by chance that these things are coming to you.  You've already mentioned a void, a place of loneliness.  See the enemy for what he is -- why would God send you someone when He is trying to get your attention to draw closer to Him?

There must be awesome spiritual gifts within and your calling will break yokes for you to get hit like this!!!

Sister, let God heal you.  Let God restore you.  The enemy knows you are lonely!  He is a deceiver and a liar.

Again, I believe this is a red flag and you should "run" from it.  You deserve the very best -- you really do.

Now he has told you that he is attached to someone else.  That's a good thing.

Question:  Will God be glorified in your relationship with this brother -- whether platonic or romantic?

I pray I am not being harsh to you, but I just can't tip-toe through this one.  I counsel with too many women, youn and older, to see the tricks and traps.

Bless you

[Novelist]

I am not sure what you mean by the question of whether God would be glorified if I was friend with this man or just his friend.  Would that be a problem if I was friends with him?  He is a good person.  Now if this is a red flag and you are advising not to associate with him period, then I may consider it.  I believe men and women can be platonic friends, but I know I have to be honest with myself.  He is not the one.  Therefore, I will have to move on and just leave it alone.  At times, it is tough because it seem as if this person is giving me the attention I want and need from a man and I believe that is the reason why I feel the way I do.  He is cute, charming, intelligent, and has so much potential.  With me, I am looking beyond his imperfections and faults.  I have even prayed for him as a person because he has a soul too.  Please write back and let me know should I leave it alone period and not say a word to him or be friendly and greet him when I see him.  What if he wants to chat or give me a hug?  What to do then?  Will it be good to give him a hug?  I am not sure as to conduct this because I do not want to get close to him at all if it is a red flag.  Write back soon.

[Breathedonme]

Great Day Dear Sister!

I cannot say whether you should completely stay away from this brother or not, based on what you've just explained.
That is between you and God.

I am very much suggesting that you let God lead you on this and notice "red flags." 

For me, personally, I would put distance between us not because of him, but because of me.  What am I saying?  I would still be kind and friendly.  I would still tell him about the Lord, invite him to church, continue to pray for him -- but if I was lonely and attracted, I would be careful.  See, sister, I know me and how I was in the world.  When I wanted something (or someone - smile), I'd go after him.

Beloved, continue to grow in relationship with Christ.  The steps of a good man (woman - smile) are ordered by the Lord.

Does this answer your question (sometimes I may go too far to the left or right (LOL)), so please feel free to reel me in (LOL).

P.S.  I love your humbleness.  WOMAN OF GOD!

Your sister,

[heavenbound]

Novelist,

Do not lull yourself into thinking that you can just be friends with this man not simply because of your attraction to him, but the fact that you feel a void of lonliness.  God is suppose to be your everything.  Hang out with some girlfriends, do more in church.

You as a Christian need to remember that a mate, friend or marriage does not make a person whole, only accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior brings wholeness. Sadly though, many Christian singles feel pressured, even from other Christians, to seek a mate rather than to seek the the will of God for their lives. This pressure often causes confusion for the person who is called by God to the single life, and that confusion sometimes leads to wrong decisions. Christians can be called to singleness permanantly or temporarily but in either case, we must dedicate our lives to serving the Lord and walking in obedience to Him - regardless of our marital state.

I am attracted to the attention and it makes me feel good for the moment (Expose the sin for what it is a lustful attraction between two people) I could never leave this relationship even though I know that what I am doing is not pleasing to God." - It never ceases to amaze me how often God's people are willing to settle into sin rather than seek the highest fulfillment available to them in God. Why do we so often run to this world for the weak and miserable substitutes it offers us instead of accepting the perfect love and wisdom available to us through God's will?

It is heartbreaking to watch unmarried Christians fall into the trap of looking for love in improper relationships because the consequences of their actions are so devastating. If you are a Christian, participating in a relationship built on sin will never bring you the love and satisfaction you desire, no matter how happy you think you are now. If you love Jesus and He is Lord of your life, He must also be Lord of your relationships. We cannot submit to Him only in the areas of our lives that we choose. If you have been living with or sleeping with someone out of wedlock, or even if you are heading down that path by dating an unbeliever, I am sure you have felt the gentle tug of His love and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Jesus loves us so much that He calls us back to Himself even when we reject Him and look for fulfillment in everyone and everything but Him.   If it were not so I would have told you.  You wouldn't be struggling with this decision if it were God sent.

The only way to end a sinful relationship is to repent, recommit yourself to walk in righteousness, and either break the connection completely or marry. Breaking the connection may sound harsh but the Bible tells us to flee sexual immorality and fleeing does not involve making excuses or staying. If the person you are involved with is an unbeliever, you should break the connection entirely. When you begin this process, the devil may try to fill you with a fear of being alone but you are not alone because Jesus promised that He will never leave you or forsake you. His love and healing touch will more than fill any void left in your life.

Remember that Jesus is the only person who can give you complete fulfillment. Knowing Him is what makes you whole and that goes for everyone - whether married or single. But if you commit your life to Him and walk in obedience, He will bless you with wonderful relationships built on godly principles that will nourish and strengthen you all the days of your life. (See I Corinthians 6:13-20, II Corinthians 6:14-18, Colossians 2:9-10, Galatians 6:7-9).

I Hope this helps.  Sometimes I get ahead of self.  I know that you are not sleeping with this person, but this is what God laid on my heart to tell you.

Peace and Love

[Novelist]

Your words have been truthful and meaningful to me.  Surely, for the past few weeks, I have learned some lessons about relationships.  For one, my relationship with God is the ultimate relationship.  Second, seek to do God's will for my life to be purposeful and full of his character.  Thirdly, I encountered some situations and I know that I need more wisdom in who I select as my friends and pray that God will place Godly friends and a Godly relationship in my life.  For too long, I wanted people in my life, yet they were not Godly.  As for me, I need to get completely right with God.  He is the source of my life and he should be my EVERYTHING.  Most of my life, when I thought I knew what love was, I use to imagine that someone would love me completely and entirely so that I can feel special.  Going to a place of imagination kept me in hope, but not in reality.  By going through some changes the past few weeks, I am beginning to see clearly.  Regarding this young man whom I have been attracted to since I met him is clearly not the one for me.  He has a girlfriend, 28 years old, he smokes, drinks, and uses profanity.  Although he has some intelligence and knows of God, it is not the same as knowing him.

In my eyes, I was looking beyond his flaws and seen how charming and sophisticated he would act at times.  He is a funny guy, dresses nice, he is into real estate, which is something productive and good for him, but it seem as if I was listening out for his voice whenever he would visit his friend at my house.  I had a talk with him a couple months ago, and he would flirt with me and everything, but I was wrong for allowing myself to fall for him.  Honestly, I think is attractive, smart, charming, dresses nice, and has much more potential than what is presented.  This attraction for him is not fair to me at all.  I realized that he could be flirting with everyone else and saying those magical words to make her melt for him.  Now I am beginning to see.  At one point he asked for my number and I gave it to him, so I know I am guilty of that.  Although he only called once. 

Truthfully, I still have some feelings for him, but I know what I need to do.  Today, I had to stop myself because he was on my mind for a certain amount of time.  I found myself wondering when he would come visit again and if I seen him, what to say.  One day, my cousin was over my house and right now she is striving to buy a home or at least some property, so he pulled up when she was ready to go.  After she said, I am going to look for some houses, he quickly rushed over and wanted to speak with her about his line of work in real estate.  I think it is great for him to work with her and assist her to find the best place, however, I found myself a bit jealous because he was calling her, not only speaking about houses, but everything else.  It was like, I was pushed aside and forgotten.  I know this is wrong, but I was feeling this way.  I wanted to go visit his office with her so I can see him, but it did not work out.  She says they are discussion business only, but I doubt that.  I do not want this to breach my relationship with family, yet I know I met him first and now she is getting his attention.

My cousin is married and has a child on the way and simultaneously going through some battles in her marriage, so I am not sure how does he fit in the equation.  She acts as if he is only business and resources, but I think she may be digging him such as myself.  It is tough because my cousin always had a boyfriend or dating someone.  It was as if she had date after date, comparing to me, who was always dateless.  Therefore, this was starting to irritate me and I wanted to keep my distance from him because I feel as if he is moving into another territory who is my cousin.  So, I know I need to get over it and I am going to do my best to move on and hopefully forget that I ever met him.  By this happening, I am not sure I want to speak with him at all.  Oh, yeah, on the phone, my cousin stated that he wanted to be the God-father of her child, which made it worse.  Why would he say something like that?  I need to get over this and I need much prayer, much power.