?

[Porcupine]

I have viewed the site for a few months now without posting anything.  I perused the topics already listed in hopes that maybe someone else would post my life's situation, but to no avail.  I am married to a liscened minister so that is why I am posting my concerns here.

I have been married for less than two years and at this point in my marriage, I want a divorce. He says that he does not want a divorce as it shows that we have failed.

Yet, my husband routinely(at least once every 3 months)expresses to me that I treat him like crap, that I do not respect him as a man, and that I am not a wife nor do I exhibit any wifely characteristics.

Usually, our routine conversations stem from my rejecting sexual advances, as with the recent scenario.  Maybe 3 days ago, my husband wrote on a piece of paper "Will you have sex with Me?" "yes" or "no".  I responded no, he questioned my response and I replied that I did not want to. 

Now, today 3 days later as I'm leaving for work,(something he also does routinely)  he says we need to talk.
He asks me: why are you not attracted to me(a question I have been asked numerous times).  I answered the question maybe 2 or 3 times out of all the times it was asked.  The other times I don't respond because the answer is still the same and I tire of repeating it.  And, the times that I do respond the only thing that happens is I hurt him, he gets angry, and then we are back to not speaking at all.

So, after I wouldn't answer that question, he went to the next most frequently discussed topic.  Him not understanding why things are the way that they are between us. I told him as I have lately that I was tired of having the same converstaion every three months with no resolution being solved from us just venting. So, he asked me to write down the concerns that I have with him that he might be able to go to God with them.  I said no. 

My reason being that I feel that he didn't need me to reiterate the concerns that we have as he already knows what they are if he has been in the same marriage that I have been in for the last 1 _1/2 yrs.  Also, I do not truly believe that he is  trying to go to God with these concerns.   He responded by saying he always gets"no" from me regardless of what the question is. I told him that that was how I felt, that I was sorry he felt the way he did, and that at this point where I am God would be the only one able to change how I feel.  When I said that I really meant the whole situation as a whole. 

This small blurb of my life seems so out of context with no background information but that would entail lots of typing.  And, I really just don't have the energy to type out all of the saga. 

But, though I don't want to be married to this man anymore I also do not want to continue to hurt him.

Was I wrong not to give him a list of things that I don't like about him/our marriage?  though as I stated earlier we discuss this at least once every three months verbally, so he should know these things already.

[David Dupree]

Hi Porcupine and welcome to deepwaters.

You have an aptly chosen name as your post seems to be as prickly as a porcupine's quills.  :-)  Everytime he tries to reach you, he gets pricked by your quills.  Geez!!! 

You have so many no's and other statements of negativity going on in there that I feel like there is a deeper issue that you are not sharing. 

You want to give up on your marriage because you told your husband no to sex?

You want to give up on your marriage because he wants a list of your issues so that he can take them to God in prayer and you have told him so often that you don't believe you should write them this time?

You want to give up on your marriage because your husband asks you why aren't you attracted to him and you have answered that before (but you didn't state why in your posting)?

You want to give up on your marriage because he doesn't feel like you respect him and feels like you treat him like crap? 

You are right that these things seem out of context without more background. 

Why do you wish to give up on the marriage?  What about counseling? (joint and separate) What about dating your husband?  What about a personal marriage retreat for the two of you...called a weekend away or something?  What about a class for the newly and/or recently married?

It sounds as if your total solution is divorce.  Are you just so totally done with it that you do not wish to give it a chance?  I really don't think so, otherwise you would not have posted.  So let's start working on saving the marriage. 

Usually it is the man who seems to have the problem with communication.  But here it seems to be the woman. 

You are only nearly 2 years into your marriage.  That is no time. You are still just getting to know one another.  You are still just going through the adjustment phase. 

What's eating you really?


dd

[Porcupine]

Thank You for the warm welcome and for responding to my post.

Yes, you are right in saying that there seems to be a lot more going on.

And, to be quite honest, I have no idea where to begin. 
I will say this much though:

We married after a short time of dating.

My husband lied or concealed al ot of big/important things from me.

My husband until recently felt he was not responsible for providing for me (when I was unemployed he only wanted to pay bills that were directly connected to him)

We sought pastoral counseling but discontinued it at the request of my spouse.  He felt that the pastor did too much finger pointing.

We seperated for a short time due to domestic violence stemming from the fact that my husband has severe anger issues.

We don't pray together, other than grace over meals. And, in  the time that we have been living together I have not seen him pray and I've only observed him reading the Word on very few occasions.  So, no I don't believe he intends to seek God if I gave him a list of issues that I have verbally given him on numerous occasions. Because if he was going to seek God then he would have done it based on the converstaions that we have had.  I also believe that My God is well able to give him the things that he should pray about without my riddling of a list of negative aspects concerning him and our marriage.

I am not attracted to him because of physical issues as well as the lifestyle he is leading.

He is insecure, controlling and jealous-hearted.

I was upfront and honest with this man before I married him and he did not extend me the same repect by hiding things, lying, and concoting schemes of deception.
I accepted thos things and stayed with him, sought counseling, prayed, bought books/tapes/etc.
In this time his anger escalated to the point that he began toabuse me physically.  The 3rd time, I left.  Not to mention the emotional/psychological abuse I endured.

He says out of his mouth that he wants the marriage to work but his action and life say something totally different.

Honestly, I believe that I am living in God's permissive will and not his divine will as a far as my marriage is concerned.  I have cried, pleaded, prayed, fasted, and done everything else to try and get direction as to the steps I should take in this situation.  I love the Lord and do not want to grieve him by divorcing. Yet, I know HE loves me also and doesn't want to see me grieved in an unhealthy marriage for the next - yrs that this marriage would last.

At this point, yes I guess I am tired to the point that I just want out.  Though I do have a desire to be married I guess that desire is just no longer for the man that I am currently married to.

[David Dupree]

Sorry it has taken so long for you to get a response to this post. 

I hope that you have been fairing well in the interim. 

It seems from your story that your husband desperately needs to seek some counseling-joint and separate-if this marriage is to be saved as he suggests. 

Women on a whole are responders and will respond or react to what they receive or even perceive.   But there comes a time when women sometimes have to rise above or outside the norm of what is said to be their character and respond more to God than to man.  In other words, don't treat evil with evil...but overcome evil with Love. 

Furthermore, I often hear in marriage seminars that "when you find out that you married the wrong person, then you become the right person."  If he decides to go to counseling and you decide to try to keep the marriage alive then you will have to find a way to not be a "no" body.  Meaning you can't say no to everything he asks or desires all the time.  That only contributes to the lack of functionality in your relationship.  Maybe if you find the good and focus on it, then you may remember what it was about him that drew you to him in the first place--whether it was love, infatuation, or lust. :-)

I hope and pray that things work out for you, one way or the other.  I will also pray for your safety and health through it all. 

dd

[h]

I'm personally quite thrown by the responses so far.

One huge red flag that I saw in the second post was mentioning she was a victim of domestic abuse in her home THREE TIMES!  I'm glad she left for her own personal safety!

I doubt you are still here, but I wanted to leave this link in case you are still lurking.

http://www.focusministries1.org/index.html

They have a special section just for pastor's wifes.  They can help, or find you help.  Please call.