Are You Depressed?

[Forum Administrator]

10 Tell-Tale Signs of Depression
by Steve Arterburn
 

• Do you feel like crying more often now than you normally have in the past? Do you feel sad or blue much of the time? When you see yourself in the mirror, do you appear to be sad, or do others comment that you no longer seem happy?


• Do you frequently have a sense of hopelessness or helplessness? Do you think that nothing matters or that nothing will do any good? Does the phrase, 'What's the use?' comes to mind frequently?


• Do you have less motivation and interest in activities, hobbies, work or relationships you have previously enjoyed?


• Has your sleep pattern changed? Do you find yourself unable to sleep at night, or struggling with restlessness that leaves you tired in the morning? Do you have trouble getting out of bed, wanting to sleep all day?


• Have you had thoughts recently that life is just not worth living? Do you wish God would just take you home?


• Do you dread the beginning of a new day, the anticipation of your responsibilities, decisions, and meetings with co-workers or others?


• Are you anxious and stressed? Are you worried and concerned about the past or about what the future may hold?


• Have your eating patterns changed? Have you lost your appetite? Is even favorite food no longer of interest? Are you eating much more than you previously did, perhaps even an excessive intake of junk foods?


• Do you have less energy than usual? Are there other physical symptoms that differ from the past, such as frequency of headaches, upset stomach, constipation, or rapid heartbeat?


• Do you feel that you are not functioning as well at work as you have in the past, and that others are beginning to notice this?

You do not need to stay stuck in the suffering caused by depression; help is available. If you are struggling with depression, please reach out for help.
Deep Waters has access to a network of caring Christians who are available to provide resources and counseling referrals.  

[Novelist]

For quite some time I have been struggling with the feeling of being alone.  Although I have associates, I do not have too many friends to call me and ask how was my day.  On the other hand, I have a desire for a relationship, but I have insecurities about myself.  My heart is like the masquerade wearing an appearance of happiness, but I am not.  Sometimes, I wish I can change my looks, my body, and the life I am living.  There was a time when friends were calling me, but now no one calls me and I feel bad about that.  Does it mean I do not have a life? Is there something wrong with me?  At this time, I do not have too much on my agenda except church, finding employment, family, and solitude.  What is wrong with my life?

[Forum Administrator]

There are two women who have made a tremendous impact on my life. One woman has had some hard blows in life: the death of a beloved son followed soon after by a bitter divorce; ongoing bouts with various illnesses; life's share of heartache and disappointments. She has never really thought of herself as a social person, and has lived a very self-centered life. Instead of reaching out to others, she waits and expects others to reach out to her and meet needs she has not even expressed. In spite of this, God has allowed her to encounter some very wonderful people who over the years have extended themselves to her in friendship... even though many times the favor was not returned. Her fireplace mantle used to be filled with cards at Christmas time, but over the years people got tired of giving cards and not receiving any, and the once flood of cards is now barely a trickle. She spends most of her time complaining, being critical of others, and then wonders why no one is anxious to call her. In spite of being on the receiving end of countless hours of encouraging words, she chooses to spend her days focusing on all that has gone wrong in her life. She dreads being alone, but her self-centeredness perpetuates her own fears, and in the evenings, she sits watching the darkness fall. She still waits.

The other woman also had some hard blows in life: the death of her husband, leaving her as a young single parent of nine children; a mastectomy and years later, terminal cancer; life's share of heartache and disappointments. She on the other hand, spent her days focusing on the needs of others. She became a part of a puppeteer group and entertained children. She held newborn babies in the hospital's nursery. She visited the sick and took food to the shut-in. She became a vital force in her church, doing all she could for all she could. She spent her days giving thanks, singing songs, and making melodies in her heart. Even in the midst of her own battle with terminal cancer, she got up off her sick bed, baked a cake, and mailed it nearly 500 miles to arrive just in time for my birthday. Instead of complaining, she gave words of encouragement. She became the friend that others needed and desired. She gave without expecting anything in return, but she could not escape the principle of sowing and reaping, so her life was full. She's been gone from this earth nearly three years now and people are still speaking of the impact and impression she made on their lives. She still gives.

God created us to be in relationship. We need relationship with Him, and we need relationship with others; that is a fact. The key to your happiness and good success in relationships lies in shifting your focus. Instead of focusing on what you don't have, focus on what you do have and be thankful. Instead of focusing on what you cannot change, focus on what you can change and empower yourself with the truth of who and what the scriptures say you are and what you can do. Instead of focusing on what you have not received, focus on what you have not given, and give knowing that God will give you the return.

You are accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6). You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). God is thinking about you all the time (Psalm 139:17,18). You are unique, a special creation in a class all by yourself! Do you have a life? Yes, and it's a life of purpose! Whether you live that life abundantly will depend largely on whether you choose to wait, or whether you choose to give... and that's a promise!

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
- Luke 6:38

[Novelist]

Thank you for your response to my question, but I have a question regarding the point of views you have shared with me.  For the first story, the woman was self-centered, complained too much, and did not meet the needs of others.  Now for me, I have a desire to meet the needs of others, but it is not given to me.  When it comes to my friends, I want them to feel loved and cherished by me and to know that I am there for them, but for some reason, people are not so loving when it comes to me.   And now we are not talking to one another, why?  There are several reasons. Sometimes I feel like everything is my fault, which I can admit, I have done my share, but for her she does not admit anything and that is why I feel bad and fall into a mode where I could be depressed because I was not a good friend to her.  And honestly, I felt jealousy because she had the boyfriend, her mother, lots of friends, she had the confidence I had long ago that was hard to get back, it appeared she had it all and that is apart of my depression because I compared myself to her and others too.

For instance, when I was going through my depression, she did not understand what I was going through and I told her that she does not understand and never will. So she said that it hurt her feelings.  Now, I believe I did not, but I was being honest with her.  Also, she told me one time, that she thinks I wish bad things to happen to her because things happened to me, but that is not true.  From the start, I have not wished anything bad on her life and to hear those words made me furious.  When someone is going through a period of depression, they have to heal on their own time and I felt like she expected me to get over it and just walk away.  She is a great person, she is fun to be around and we have shared so much with each other, but sometimes it seem like we keep going through silent moments without speaking and maybe that had to do with me and my depression at times, but I am not sure if what we had will ever rekindle based upon the past experience of depression and the effect on our lives.  Now I am better, but my friendship was torn because we are going through different things and I do not have a clue if she is going through depression herself, which I believe she may not ever tell me.  Can you please give me some clarity on my depression and if my friendship can survive by this?

[Forum Administrator]

Friendship at it's best is a close trusting mutual relationship. The depth of a friendship is measured, not by how much you receive from it, but how much you give to it. If a friendship is mutual, and assuming those involved in the friendship are whole, of sound mind, and mature, there will be something that is given in return. It might not necessarily be the same thing that you have given, but when a person feels loved and cherished, they will naturally want to give to the person who causes them to feel that way. Sometimes, however, just as with any relationship, if both involved are not whole, there will be gross deficiencies in the friendship. In other words, you cannot give what you do not have.

I applaud you for being honest. Your honesty (about yourself) is critical to you moving to a place of wholeness, because you cannot address what you do not admit is there. It's important for you to understand that true friendship and jealousy cannot live together. Jealousy implies a certain level of resentment, fear or even bitterness. How can you love and cherish someone while being jealous of them? These feelings are contradictory to one another, and no doubt, would have created conflict in your friendship.

When you are hurting, it is possible and more likely that you will hurt others. Are you willing to consider the possibility that by telling your friend that she did not, and would not ever, understand your depression, you may have shut her out instead of asking for the support you really needed? It's true that your friend may not have understood your depression, or knew how to deal with it, but did you? Not many people do, at least not initially.

You are not designed to be all things to another person; neither is another person designed to be all things to you: that's God's job. God may use you to meet some of the needs of your friend, and God may use your friend to meet some of your needs. But, your expectation should not be of your friend, it should be of God. If your expectation of your friend is more than she's able or willing to give, you may be tempted to come to the conclusion that she is not a good friend to you, and that may not necessarily be true. When it comes to meeting your needs, it is God you must go to with your expectations. It's in Him you will find completeness.

What you must learn to do is appreciate what your friendship does give to you. You indicated that your friend is fun to be around, and has shared with you and allowed you to share things with her. That is a wonderful gift and contribution to your friendship. Again,  I encourage you to shift your focus. Appreciate the things that you do have and that others have given to you and don't focus on the things that you do not have or what others have not done. This is key to dealing with your depression and your relationships with others.

Can you rekindle your friendship based upon your past experience of depression and the effect on your lives? Do you really want the kind of friendship you had before: periods of silence, misunderstandings, jealousy, distrust? I certainly hope not! What you need is wholeness. You need a sense of completeness that is not contingent upon what any earthly friend does or does not do. Ask God to fill the empty places in your life. As you find completeness in Him, then you will be able to fully extend yourself in true friendship: a friendship where there is no insecurity or jealousy; a friendship where you and the other person involved can be appreciated and accepted for who you are and what you do have to give; a friendship with a desire and commitment to cherish--treat with affection and tenderness; nurture with care; protect and aid; encourage--one another. You cannot "be there for them" if you are not there for you. Get "there" for you first.

If you make what you do for others contingent upon what others do for you, you may set yourself up for disappointment. That is not what Christ has taught us. We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. If you do this, you will do well, and it is God who will reward you and see to it that your needs are met. Make sure that when you give, you do so with the right motives, from a pure heart, and make sure your expectation is in God and God alone.

As you said, now you are better, and you are getting better. Forgive yourself and others for what was done or not done. Let go of bitterness and resentment. Rid yourself of everything that hinders your growth and good success. Recognize your own limitations, and be aware of the limitations of others. None of us are perfect. We are all growing and learning. Do whatever it takes to be the best you can be.

[Novelist]

In response about my friendship, I recognized what I was doing wrong, but I am not sure she recognizes her mistakes.  In our friendship, I felt as if I was the only one depressed, down and out, going through the motions, and she had issues as well, but she tried to act perfect.  It's like a human without emotions or expressions.  Sure, we are not perfect, but when she acts as if she is not going through, I don't think she is being truthful about what's going on.  In our friendship, I felt like I was the bad one with all the issues and she was carefree.  Yes, I am ready to mature and be whole and I am not sure if I can be that way with her.  

My desires toward my friendship with her is not the same anymore.  As the days went by, I did not call her and she did not call me and that is enough to let me know that she does not want the friendship either.  I remember one time she told me, when we had problems once again that if her boyfriend proposed to her, she probably would not tell me and in a sense she has a right not to.  It was because of my feelings and jealousy that's why.  Again, I cannot change how she feels about that, but I feel like I was being myself around her, but she felt like a hindrance to me other than myself because I relied on her to be there for me all the time.

I set myself up for disappointment and that's the ending result.  In my heart, I know we will not be bestfriends, but possibly acquaintances.  At one time, she said, she does not go backwards, meaning: What is the point of being friends if we are going to go back to basics.  I did not find anything wrong with that, but she did.  A long time ago, we did not talk for nearly a year because of issues similar to this.  Right now, I am confused and I don't know if she is trustworthy or sensitive to my needs.  My intuition is that she was in my life for a period of time, which felt like it should be a lifetime, but I feel like it is going to end or already ended.

I know friends go through issues,  but we have come in and out.  Then we go through periods of silences and nobody wants to call one another.  Honestly, I do not want to give in and call her first when she should be calling me if she is so busy with her other friends and her boyfriend.  I felt like she was using me for her meantime because her boyfriend had to work most of the time and she would call me and come over my house, but if he was available, I don't think she would be around.  It is so much and I am in the dark.  Should I move on or what?

[Novelist]

Purity, you and I are like twins in this situation.  Friendship is very important to me, but when I feel unimportant to the other, I feel worse.  Right now, I have mixed feelings about continuing myfriendship or move on.  We were friends since 1998 or a while before that.  We use to have fun, talk on the phone, she spent the night at my house, we did so much together, but things are different now.  I do not expect her to quit what she is doing for me, but at least call me and see how I am doing or how I feel.  Most of the time, I called her, but when she became too busy for me, it discouraged me from calling and I hated to hear when she said, "I am busy, can I call you back?" and most times she did not call back.

Purity, you are strong because when you responded to my notes, I felt the sensitivity through your writing.  You seem like a beautiful young lady with much to offer in your relationships.  I have my days when I want to hang out, go to the movies, or just converse.  Purity, have you ever felt jealous or envy of your friend?  Have you felt like you were always the depressed one, but she appeared to be carefree?  That's how I felt.  I mean, I consider myself attractive, but for a long time, I did not have a boyfriend and she did for at least 7 years.

Right now, I don't know where our friendship is going and I am afraid I will have to let her go too.  That is hard to do, but maybe it is best for me.  Can you give me advice on how I can handle this situation?  We go through on and off communications often and that is hurting our friendship continually.  Sometimes, I felt like she did not understand my problems because she has never gone through them or at least made me feel as if it would be alright.  

[Novelist]

Purity,

Thank you for giving your view on friendship and how God can work situations out.  Only God can give me the peace I need in the midst of this.  Personally, I believe that when actions of the silent treatment are there, it is very well apart of the thoughts of the person.  I admit, I do not want to call her and make it seem like we are cool as we once were.  On the other hand, she made it seem like it is nothing to her as well.  How am I suppose to show my affection when she is not showing it as well?  For at least 4 weeks we have not communicated because of things.  The things we have against each other.  For some reason, I believe this is the last chapter in our friendship.

Everything is going in a new direction now.  Maybe this is best for us.  At one point, we did not talk as I mentioned in the previous notes and when we finally reunited, we spent time together nearly everyday.  Now we are separated and disgusted with each other.  It is amazing how bestfriends can share apart of themselves and suddenly their feelings change toward one another.  Yes, this is hard for me to do and I was wondering should I call her or write a letter?  If I decide to speak with her on the phone or in person, things may be awkward, but if I write a letter, we don't have to see each other.  Just by our actions, we do not want to call one another.  

Sometimes I wonder if everything we shared was in vain.  Was it worth going through?  And why do I have to deal with being the only one who is going through something?  She was not compassionate enough for me.  She will never understand me and that is the honest truth.  My heart has been broken so many times and she was apart of it.  All I ever wanted was a friend to be there for me, but apparently, she was not the friend God intended for me to have to begin with.  I guess that is life and the way things happen.  One time, she had a dream and she said that in the dream, I said "It was over" and I wonder if that dream has anything to do with right now.

I have another friend from school and she met her before.  One time, she made a comment and said, "That is your new bestfriend now".  What am I here for if you are inviting her to places.  She did not like her because I was friends with the other girl.  I refused to have only her as my friend because if she is not around, I will not worry about it.  Apart of this is my fault too.  I am stubborn and regret going through all of this.  I cannot change the past, but many times I made promises to her that we will always be friends and now I am breaking that promise.  There are some things in life I cannot fix anymore.  Because it is destroyed, they is not another part to bring it together.  I am just in the wind and believe that the confusion began with me.  If anything, I will take the blame.  Evidently, I messed up the whole friendship with my selfishness, jealousy, loneliness, and other habits.  I am just trying to work on me now and move on.  

[Forum Administrator]

First let me say that I applaud both of you. It takes a lot of courage to be transparent. It's not always easy to look at the areas of our lives that are under construction.

There is a scripture that says everything will work together for your good if you love the Lord and you are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28 ). God can use even what you see as a bad thing in your life and make something good come out of it. Everything is working together for Novelist's and Purity's good!

Understand that not all friendships will last forever. There are friendships that are meant for a season. Perhaps those friendships that now seem to be dissolving were intended to help you see those areas in your lives that needed "construction." If your friendship did nothing more than spur you towards becoming a better you, that is a very good thing.

For every experience you go through in life, find something in it that can help you grow and be better, not bitter. Novelist, as you have said, now is the time for you to work on you. Stay focused. Purity has rightly said, God is not the author of confusion. The more you rehearse all the things your friend did not do, or all that went wrong in the friendship, the more confused you seem to become. Your friend may have caused you some pain, but now, something you are doing (i.e. rehearsing the negative) is causing you additional pain. STOP!

I'm giving you a homework assignment. Make a list of the things you enjoyed about your friendship. List only what your friend did for you (not what you did for her). If she made you smile once, put it down. Take your time and think about the good times you did share. Don't rush to complete the list: take as much time/as many days as you need. When you're finished, I want you to give God thanks for every good thing your friend did for you. Then ask God to help you to forgive her for not meeting the expectations you had, and ask Him to help you to release any expectations you still have of your friend. Keep this list handy, and whenever you remember something negative about your friendship, pull this list out and review it. Do this until it becomes a mental habit and you don't have to pull out the physical list anymore. Do this as often as necessary.

Every human friendship, EVERY friendship has good and bad because those involved are not perfect. You have to enjoy the "fish" of the friendship and leave the "bones." If you want to move forward, you must forgive and put your bitterness aside. If you don't, you will get stuck in a cycle of rehearsing all that went  or is wrong in the friendship (and in your life), and it will hinder your growth. Don't get stuck. Forgive and move forward.

Recommended Resources: In addition to the above "homework" assignment, please review the following posts:
Letting go of the hurt and pain

What is forgiveness?

fear of something new...

[Novelist]

I am on the assignment and I will do as you have instructed.  Yes, I have been stuck in places since my friendship did not work out.  Sometimes, I have to fight to get through and right now, it is a battle field.  However, I wanted to ask some more questions to understand or get the point of something else.  First of all, should I call or write her a letter?  I am not sure on how to end this.  Or what if she calls me and I don't know what to say?  

[Forum Administrator]

I'm glad that you have decided to do the assignment. Regarding your friend, my suggestion is that you do not call her or write her... yet. You are under construction, and you are just entering into the process of forgiveness. If you write or call your friend now, you will be writing or calling out of your pain and perhaps anger. Wait until you have a clearer perspective. Your perspective will become much clearer as you work on ridding yourself of the unforgiveness. As you work on destroying this root of unforgiveness, the symptoms of the root problem--the pain, the bitterness, the anger--will shrivel up and wither away. It's a process, so allow yourself time to work through it.

If your friend calls you, first, thank her for calling. Then let her know that you are taking some time to deal with some issues in your life that you need to deal with. If she should ask you what issues you are working on, do not tell her that she wouldn't or couldn't understand. Simply tell her that you're undergoing an "extreme makeover" on the inside, and you'll let her know when you're ready for your "final reveal."  

One additional note for now: remember the part in your assignment where you are asking God to help you to release any expectations of your friend. Don't try to anticipate what your friend may or may not do. What you are working on now is far more important than whether your friend calls you or not. Stay focused. One day at a time. One step at a time.

[purity]

Novelist it's good to see you are getting closer and closer to bringing closure to this friendship.

I want to encourage you to keep hanging in there.  That's what I'm doing and I find so much strength from hanging  

To be honest with you I just got finish crying   as a means of release b/c of the lonliness I feel from not having any good girlfriends I can hang out with. But its ok. I trust God through it all.

I am learning to embrace this time with out friends and get closer to my Father! For this is only a TEMPORARY state.

God is doing a new thing in me and lest I get involved in a friendship that will only taint that.

Novelist no matter what you do, if your friendship ends or you all remain friends you just make an effort to stick close to the Father!!

He will send you a "Johnathan" in His timing!

~Purity

[Novelist]

Day by day I am getting better.  As you stated, I can't predict or assume what she is going to do.  Wheter she calls or not, I have to be strong and that is key.  Although I wonder if she is thinking about me, it stirs my curiosity to know that.  Often times, when there is a long period of time without speaking, ideas and personal conclusions begin to erupt in vision.  My concern was if she ever cared.  As a friend, I wanted to be missed, loved, and cared for.  When those feelings are not nurtured, it becomes a problem.  However, time is going on, therefore I must do the same.  No, it is not easy to get over the pain, but taking the right dosage of what I need will take time.  Have you ever wondered if someone ever cared for you, but you were not sure?  That is how I feel.  Truly, in my heart, I cared for her and still do because she was the closest friend I had in history, now she is history.  I am not sure if I should speak those words, yet intuitively it magnetically clings to me.  If she calls, I would be shocked, but anxious to know what's going on.  At first, I thought about calling her and just saying hello, but I did not want to call unless I was ready to converse.

Although it has been weeks, these weeks can easily turn into months.  This is not the first time we have come to this dead end.  In fact, years ago, we did not communicate for nearly a year and months.  Finally, I called and she returned my call on that same day.  It was awkward for me because I was stubborn.  Calling her was showing that I was giving into what she wanted and that was my objective as well.  I wanted her to call me to see where I was.  Now that we are back to where we started, it would be interesting to find out how this will turn out.  As mad and bad as I feel, I have to remind myself that I will get through with or without her.  Have you ever had a moment when you wanted to give up on your friendship, yet you wanted to stay?  That is me.  I want to let go, but if I stay, will I be miserable in the same place?  That is the question.  Clearly, our friendship is not on the wavelength of speaking or full of excitement.  

Another question I wanted to pose about my friendship is: Since the both of us have not called one another, is that an indication that something is wrong with not only me, but her too?  There is a two way street and I refuse to take on the responsibility of everything.  In the midst of all of this, she has to be accountable for something.  Apparently, she is either having the time of her life and don't care about me or she has a reason that she is holding against me.  That is why I am confused.  When I spoke to her on July 17th, which is her birthday, I called her to wish her a happy birthday from Arizona.  We talked for a moment and she asked me, "How are you?" Are you having a great time? and I said yes, I am.  Then, I was telling her that I was going to press my way to call her for her birthday and I did.  After speaking for at least 3 minutes, we wrapped things up and said that we will touch bases when I return and when I returned, we have not talked ever since.

In the back of my mind, I remember her saying something about me and her birthday and how I was going to leave before her birthday.  Although, I was leaving, I told her that we should have a day out and do something for her birthday and unfortunately, that did not happen.  Then, it was time for the retreat and I had to prepare to leave.  On that day or day before, I did not speak to her, but it was crazy the way things turned out before and after my trip.  She was getting ready to have a gathering for her birthday with her boyfriend and friends and I was not there.  But, I did not think it would matter because everyone else was there.  I do not understand.  I will be glad when clarity comes.