I'm sinking

[sisterofpraise]

My husband and I have been married for 13 yrs.  Three kids (12, 8, & 5).  I realize now that we have never been close friends.  High school sweethearts, but not true friends.  Just going through the motions of life.  Busy with life and neglecting each other for years.  He has cheated on me more than once.  We barely say five words to each other all day.  When I want to talk he say I'm being a pest.  He won't go to counseling.  I do all of the chores around the house (with the kids).  We just pay the bills and go our separate ways.  We are both Christians.  I believe that we have put other things first in our lives and God has been saying, "What about me".  We have not been intimate for months.  We sleep in separate rooms.  The only reason we are still together (in the same house) is because neither of us can afford to leave and because of hurting the kids...But I am sinking into a depression.  I cry myself to sleep.  I'm afraid of the "what ifs".  What if we divorce?...What if we stay together?  What I keep hearing from the Holy Spirit is, "I'm here for you", "Put me first".  So, I keep waiting and praying for direction.  I know that either way, divorce or reconciliation, I will be fine.  The silence can seem so loud especially at night when I feel so alone.  Thanks for letting me vent.  This is the first time I'm ever posted to your board.  I enjoy reading the great advice to others.  Now it's my turn...Blessings!!

[ethereal]

Sis,

I empthaize with you. I was in a marriage much like your own (a few less years and 1 less child), but my relationship was lopsided b/c my wife at the time was not saved. I will tell you this: That was truky a crucible for me. My relationship with God greew by leaps and bounds during all the tears and prayers and "hallelujah anyhows". You mentioned that you are both Christians, are you "walking the talk?" The enemy would loove nothing more than for your marriage to end in divorce. If God is in your hearts, there is love in your hearts. As the word says, "how can you say you love God, yet hate your brother?". Please try to not be afraid of the "what of's", that's God's domain and you can't do anything but be in the way over there. I know all about the "loud silence", the moving over to the other side of the hallway when passing, etc. What I want you to understand, Sis, is that that is not your husband talking to you, or not talking to you. It's not him not touching you. Don't be fooled into thinking that because we're Christians, that the enemy can't get inside. He will use anyone that he can, especially those whom we love the most. I ENCOURAGE you to stand still, firm and tall. You let the enemy know that he's thrown his best shot and you're still standing! Let him know that you are NOT going down without a fight, as a matter of fact, you're not going down at all! You don't need strength, God will provide that. Just be willing to brawl, scrape and scrap. Be obediant to the word that you've heard. God will not share us. He'd rather not have us at all if that's the case. Go ahead, put Him first. The same Christ that lives in you, lives in your husband and that means that his Christ won't be able to stay away from your for much longer. Take the shade off your "lamp", lace up your boots, grab your sword and let God lead you into battle. Don't lie down and take it. No more tears and we rebuke that spirit of depression in Jesus' name. Look at your screen name "sisterofpraise"! get your praise machine revved up. crank it up as high as it can go and praise your family through this crisis! Be encouraged, Sis, God will see you through. I promise!

[Forum Administrator]

My husband and I have been married for 13 yrs.  Three kids (12, 8, & 5).  I realize now that we have never been close friends.  High school sweethearts, but not true friends.  Just going through the motions of life.  Busy with life and neglecting each other for years.  He has cheated on me more than once.  We barely say five words to each other all day.  When I want to talk he say I'm being a pest.  He won't go to counseling.  I do all of the chores around the house (with the kids).  We just pay the bills and go our separate ways.  We are both Christians.  I believe that we have put other things first in our lives and God has been saying, "What about me".  We have not been intimate for months.  We sleep in separate rooms.  The only reason we are still together (in the same house) is because neither of us can afford to leave and because of hurting the kids...But I am sinking into a depression.  I cry myself to sleep.  I'm afraid of the "what ifs".  What if we divorce?...What if we stay together?  What I keep hearing from the Holy Spirit is, "I'm here for you", "Put me first".  So, I keep waiting and praying for direction.  I know that either way, divorce or reconciliation, I will be fine.  The silence can seem so loud especially at night when I feel so alone.  Thanks for letting me vent.  This is the first time I'm ever posted to your board.  I enjoy reading the great advice to others.  Now it's my turn...Blessings!!

Hi sisterof praise. Thank you for reading and sharing in Deep Waters. I have often heard it said, and I believe that a marriage between two Christians is depicted as a triangle. Ideally, God would be at the top of the triangle, at the center. Your husband would be at one corner of the triangle; you would be at the other corner of the triangle. As you keep God in the center of your marriage as you move closer to Him, you will ultimately move closer to one another.

You have indicated that you believe that God is not first in your lives. If that is true, that is the primary problem that you must focus on. Keep in mind that you cannot force your husband to do anything, nor do you need to try. The present condition of your marriage is the presenting problem, but that is not the root. The root of the problem is your individual relationships with God. Focus on your relationship with God first. Make a decision to put His kingdom (his position and place of reign), and His righteousness (His way of doing things) first and everything else will be added (Matthew 6:33). That is your order of priority.

The chapter doesn't end at verse 33. The last verse is a reminder to you that you do not need to worry about the "what ifs:" do not worry about tomorrow. You have already received the assurance that God is there for you, and He is. Transform your "what ifs" into "even ifs" knowing that God is with you.

I encourage you to sow into your marriage the things you want to reap. Even though your husband has not been faithful, you remain faithful. If you don't receive any kind and loving words from him, still give them to him. Don't repay evil with evil, but with good. And while you are seeking to do things God's way, He will add to your life and see to it that you reap the things you have sown. Remember, your harvest may or may not come through your husband, but your harvest does not come from your husband; it comes from God.

I further encourage you to get the resource Experiencing A Fulfilled Marriage (located on our resources for marriage page) by Deep Waters moderator Patricia Ashley. I believe it will be a tremendous blessing and encouragement to you.