Recalcitrant

[ethereal]

That's the word the Spirit said to me last night. I immediately reached over for my dictionary: It means defiant; disobedient to authority. That is me. I have been struggling with staying pure in my relationship of four months. We have sinned sexually several times and I know that God is completely fed up with us at this point. He is so fed up, that He has instructed me to reveal this sin to the one person on earth that I will be utterly ashamed before...my Pastor's wife. She is like a mother to me and I hold her (and her opinion of me) in the highest regard. I wouldn't wish the shame I feel on anyone. Let me say this to any and all who may be engaging in ANY kind of pre-marital sex or any other sex sin: PLEASE STOP BEFORE GOD EXPOSES YOU. If He cannot get your attention one way, He will most certainly get it another. We made declarations, we prayed and asked God to help us, but our obedience to the flesh kept getting the best of us (and exposing the worst). We were (I'm speaking past tense b/c we'd be fools to risk this shame & exposure again) not just going at this wildly. We tried to do what we needed to do, but we failed...miserably. I was reminded of how David's sins were exposed by the prophet Nathan and I thought to myself: How severe this is! God didn't give someone a word of knowledge to confront me, He's making ME expose myself! I don't even know how I'm going to look my "mother" in the eye after she finds this out. Yet, I thank God that He loves me enough to not consume me or abandon me in my sin. He loves me enough to chastise me and shatter me so that He can make something of me that He can actually use. Please keep us in your prayers.

[bishopbiscuits]

Ethereal,

.......I first want to thank you for your honesty. Secondly, I wanted to share a couple of things that came to my mind after reading recalcitrant.
.......I have received warnings in the past about how even sexual lust and masturbation would detour or separate me from my relationship with God, and my future marital relationship. I have not even romantically dated yet, but the external withdrawal that came from the internal hurt and anger threatened to send me into emotional chaos.
.......Your warning is timely. I take it to heart as an active reminder that I still need to be vigilant against all manner of sexual sin. If Satan can't openly attack an area, he will try to use deception and every pleasing thing he can to get our vision separated from God's vision just  enough. Long enough  for an unrejected thought or untempered emotion to coax us out of divine protection and drop us right into compromise and more open spiritual attack.
........Satan would like nothing better than for us to say "I've messed up too many times. May as well give in." But we cannot afford to do that. We cannot accept the enemy's propaganda that he shouts through a bullhorn. The enemy shouts at us to distract us from what we need to hear, and puts up internal billboards to keep our eyes off what we need to see.
........1 Kings Chapter 19:1-14 shows how Elijah fled in fear for a time after Jezebel sought to kill Him. This was  after she found out that he commanded the death of the prophets of baal. He had recently shown that the Lord is God by praying in faith for God to send fire from heaven to burn up a sacrifice that was covered and surrounded by water (chapter 18 ).
......Having heard of what Jezebel planned to do, he fled into the wilderness. But God still had plans for Elijah and asked him, "What are you doing here?"
......Elijah's reply -in a sense- was "I am tired and alone in my struggle. Israel has turned away from righteousness, and I am the only prophet left, but maybe not for long."
.....God then allowed an earthquake, a strong wind and a fire to come before Elijah. However, God was not in any of these displays. Instead He spoke to Elijah in a voice, and let Him know that he still had a work to do and that there were 7,000 in Israel that had not turned to baal.
......Elijah meant to flee, forgetting for a moment God's power by faith in his life. God spoke to him, called him back to work, and let him know that he was not alone in his fight.
........I just want to encourage you, ethereal. Satan would like to use turning points to turn us away from God. And if he can't get us now, he turns to traps that can be set off in the future.
........Here are a few scriptures that may be of help:

1. James 1:20   For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
..........I believe that you are sorry for your mistake. God made a way for all of us to be reconciled to Him through Jesus' blood and His Spirit. DON'T let the enemy trick you into self-condemnation that could destroy your spiritual vision. Pain and shame are a part of what we all must face, but regardless of the severity, we cannot let them be a tool to get between us and God.
........Let anger, bitterness, and resentment find no lasting place in you. Sometimes forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do (I know from experience). God's correction comes against sin and the thoughts attaching us to it. Sin comes against us and our connection to God. Trust in God the more to give you the wisdom and the determination in love to honor Him in your choices.

2. James 1:4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
.............Have recent events revealed anything about yourself that you were only partly aware of until this event took place? Know yourself well and be spiritually sober to see what you need to see and choose wisely. Make the time you need to hear from God concerning your whole person.

3. 1 John 4:15-19  Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love, dwelleth in God, and God in Him.
17. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgement: because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear has torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
19 We love Him because He first loved us.

......You are both in my prayers. Just know that God's desire to use your testimony has not lessened. As the old song says,"Please, be patient with me. God is not through with me yet."
......God can give others the vision to help you through this time. He sees both where we are and where we can be in Him. Hopefully, the one(s) that you need to support you have the heart and maturity to help you from where you are/were to where you need to be in God on this matter.

.......I am taking all of this for me, too.
Yours truly, BB