Friends of the Opposite Sex

[NubianQueen]

Is it proper for a married person to have single friends of the opposite sex?  

It is my opinion that if my husband has female friends that are single, if I have never met them - it is wrong.  Recently this issue came up again between my husband and myself.  He has had issues with my "male" best friend in the past few years.  Someone told him a few years ago that prior to our marriage by best friend and I had spent too much time together for us to not have engaged in sex.  I shared this with my friend and we both told my husband this had never happened.  We also shared the details of various "trips", etc. so that he would know everything we did and the circumstances around our trips.  I thought this issue had been settled, but it came up again and I reduced (almost eliminated) all contact with my friend - he agreed with me that we needed to eliminate any appearance of evil.  After about a year, my husband asked me to include my friend in a "get together" we were planning.  I did, he came and my husband subsequently would ask "why havent you talked to ....".  When I tell him why, he says "oh its okay".  Well -- now to the present - I recently had a business meeting in the town where my friend lives, my husband suggested that I take my oldest daughter as part of a graduation gift and spend some time with my friend and his family (his mother & son).  When my daughter was unable to I asked my husband if he felt it would be better for me not to extend my business trip.  He said, no - enjoy yourself.

Well upon my return, all I heard was - How can you go spend the weekend with another man?  

We went to counseling with one of our Ministers and my husband said I should not have gone.  He then also confirmed that he had female friends that I do not know and that I should not have a problem with it.  He feels that I (and no one else) should pick and choose his friends.  I told him that I didn't wish to pick his friends, but that I felt it improper that I had not at least been given the courtesy of an introduction.

Am I way off base....??

[ethereal]

If that person is not a friend to you both, no. Period. There is bound to be an issue if a husband has an "unknown" single female friend or the wife has an "unknown" single male friend. Since your husband appears to have become ok with your friend, his behavior upon your return was strange. It seems as though the enemy (in whatever form he came in) got your husband's mind turned around, convincing him that you were up to something.  Additionally, whenever we have something going on in our lives that isn't up to snuff, we get very adept at picking out other people's faults, real or perceived (but mostly perceived). Your husband should not, under any circumstances, have single female friends that you are not WELL aquainted with. That is a breeding ground for the enemy's tricks. You SHOULD, contrary to what your husband says, have a problem not being introduced to women he knows. One theory that I have is this: once you get married, no more making new friends of the opposite sex unless you make them as a couple. Bottom line. Now is the time for you to prove that God is God. Exhibit the exact behavior that you want from your husband. If your friend comes up in conversation politely say, "I don't have as much need of him since I married you". The Word tells us that we're the light and as such, all you need to do is be. Your husband will not be able to maintain his line of thinking for long. Also, pray that God will open his eyes to the fact that his behavior is causing you pain and is detrimental to your marriage.

[Forum Administrator]

There is nothing intrinsically improper about a married person having single friends of the opposite sex. The reality is there are more single people than married so the possibility of a married person having a friend who is single is not unlikely. However, when a married person does not set appropriate boundaries with his/her single friends--particularly those of the opposite sex--then you have a problem. Here are some boundaries that should not be crossed in this particular type of relationship.

The respect of your marriage. If you or your husband has a single friend (whether they be of the opposite sex or not), who shows disrespect to you or your husband, that should not be allowed. Your husband, as your God-given protector, should not knowingly allow anyone to speak ill of you or act in any manner that is disrespectful to your position as his wife. He should be your number one defender. Likewise, you, as the helper of your husband, should not allow anyone to knowingly speak ill of him or act towards him in any manner that is disrespectful to his position as your husband. You should be his number one supporter. Disrespect breeds contempt.

The transparency of your marriage. If you or your husband have an ongoing significant friendship that is unknown to the other, that is a problem. One of the goals of Christian marriage is transparency: the way it was between Adam and Eve before the fall. There should be no area of your husband's life that you do not have access to, and vice versa. No one should have "one up" on your husband and vice versa. If a significant friend of yours walked up to your husband on the street and said, I'm so and so... he should be able to say, yes, my wife told me about you (and you should be able to do the same with his friends). You should know who his friends are and he should know who your friends are. Remove all doubt. Secrecy breeds distrust.

The intimacy of your marriage. There should not be a stronger emotional tie in your external friendship than there is in your marriage. If you confide in or rely on an outside friendship more than your relationship with your spouse, it is a betrayal of the oneness of your marital relationship. There should be no earthly relationship that is more intimate--both physically and emotionally--than the relationship with your husband or his with you. Emotional intimacy opens the door to physical intimacy. And even if a physical act outside of the marriage has not been committed, this type of emotional involvement with someone other than your spouse can lead you into a dangerous comparision of your mate with others which will always lead to discontent with your spouse. Lack of intimacy breeds discontent.

The peace in your marriage. No friendship is worth the break up of your marriage. If you have a good friend who loves you, s/he will invest in the good success of your marriage and not try to tear it down. The friend does not even have to like you (or your husband as the case may be). But the friend must respect your position as wife/husband and respect your marriage as a whole, if for no other reason than for love of the person with whom s/he is friends. If you and your husband find yourself at odds with one another because of a relationship with a friend, do whatever it takes to restore peace in your home. Discord breeds separation.

The position of your marriage.The marital relationship takes priority over every other earthly relationship. Don't allow any friend to preempt your position. You are his wife, and he should let the "world" know it. He is your husband, and he should let the "world" know it. All of your friends--single or married; same sex or opposite sex--should have the understanding that your husband or you come first. If you have a friend who calls or visits your home and does not acknowledge your husband, don't allow that friend to call or visit your home and do that. Set the ground rules when appropriate. A good friend will show deference to your husband even if there is no friendship with him (and the same should be true of his friends). If a friend of yours calls your house and your husband answers the phone, the friend should say hello to your husband, and introduce or identify his or herself to him before requesting to speak with you. This will eliminate the guess work and set a standard of respect for your home and your marriage. If a friend of your husband calls your home and does not do this, ask your husband to request that they do so in the future, and see to it that your friends do the same. No one on this earth should be able to rightfully claim a greater position than yours in your husband's life, or his in your life. Don't put each other's position in a place of vulnerability. Displacement breeds resentment.

Most married people will not have a problem with an outside friend--single or otherwise--if that friend respects the above boundaries. You don't have to pick one another's friends; you don't even have to be friends with all of your husband's friends (or vice versa). You are, afterall, individuals. Just make sure you (and your husband) enforce the above boundaries. You may even want to sit down with one another and create some guidelines of your own that are appropriate for your household. Write them down, and when necessary, remind each other of them. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't give the enemy a foothold. Do whatever it takes to maintain the trust in your marriage. Any friendship that maintains a position that is in violation of any of the above boundaries should be discontinued. Your husband is commanded to live with you in an understanding way (consider your feelings and position), and you are commanded to respect your husband (consider his ego and position). This applies to how you both carry out your friendships as well.