Deep Waters Relationship Advice

Hi MrD. Sounds like Fireproof may have given you a good inroad for discussion. Did you two discuss what in the movie resembled your marriage? I commend you for the things that you are doing. It doesn't sound like you're lazy at all (so you should stop saying that). Also, you don't need her to make you a list of what you need to do. It sounds like she may want you to take more of a proactive approach. You are, after all, her loving leader. Make your own list, or better yet, look around and see what needs to be done... and then do it well.

I have a 7 yr old son, and one of the things that I find annoying is having to tell him to do the same things over and over again. But he's 7, and you're... not. You're a man. Put away "childish things." If you're not sure how to be a good leader in your marriage, find someone who is a good leader in his marriage (make sure the wife agrees with that assessment  ) and get some pointers. If you can't find anyone, there are other resources available and we can help with that. You do, however, have two great resources readily available and that's the word (your bible) and prayer. If you need some scriptural references, let us know. And be sure that you talk to the Lord about what you're talking to us about. He is always willing to help you.

Hi lenaj.

Quotethings are just continually going down hill. We argue all the time and I just feel like he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions and wants to blame me for everything. Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel and by no means perfect. I think things could work if we worked together.  But he is so mean towards me because I do not feel we are at the point of engagement. I feel our foundation is not a stable one...I don't want to break things off with him but I don't feel we are ready for engagement just yet.  It almost seems like he refused to try to move forward because I wont agree with him that we are ready.

Perfection is not required for a good relationship, but patience, consideration, and understanding is. Why is he in such a hurry? If all you have said is true, why don't you want to break off with him? Red flags seem to be flapping everywhere. Granted, things could work if you work together, as you said, but if he's not willing to do that, or even rationally discuss your reasons for wanting to wait, you are wasting your time.

Ok so I have been dating a minister, applying for pastoral positions at various churches, for about 8mts now. And things are just continually going down hill. We argue all the time and I just feel like he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions and wants to blame me for everything. Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel and by no means perfect. I think things could work if we worked together.  But he is so mean towards me because I do not feel we are at the point of engagement. I feel our foundation is not a stable one. I just don't understand why he is in such a rush to get married. He has given marital counseling before and knows the dangers of rushing.  So why does he do it. I don't want to break things off with him but I don't feel we are ready for engagement just yet.  It almost seems like he refused to try to move forward because I wont agree with him that we are ready.

i do sweep, empty the dishwasher, fold the towels, hang the clothes up, feed the dogs, and go outside a cleanup after them each time they go out. we have seen the movie, and after the movie she said that she saw us in there, like it was made after our life's together. i know I am somewhat lazy, but it is because i do not have a list of things to do, and she absolutely refuses to do that, instead she wants me to make the list, and I have no idea what she wants me to do. I would gladly do the if she would give me a list. this has been going on for 29 years. we will go along for awhile happy, and then I do or say something or I don't do something, and it starts getting terrible again. You have to understand I am a laid back person and she is very domineering. and controlling, especially when she gets mad at me, she knows that it drives me crazy when she will not talk to me. Well better go! Thanks for listening!

Ok I would love to give you the right Christian words but right now let's try to look at the simple things. It seems to me that she is someone who likes things to be clean. So just sweep the floor everyday. Not when you think it should be done, cause if you like me you will for get so just do it. The dogs, I don't have one but I think they are supposed to be on some type of schedule when they are feed. Finally I would suggest you watch this movie called "FireProof" it has Kirk Cameron in it. Or just go to this site: www.fireproofmymarriage.com

The movie is about things a man did to turn his marraige around, when he didn't even want to.

It's me again, she is mad at me again, only I think it is hurt more than anger. I just can't get this marriage right, I go along for a while, then I do something that sets her off, this time she has been sick with some kind of flu or bad sinuses. She came in one night and I hadn't swept the floor, or anything, because she had not ask me, I know I am supposed to see things like that, and I do sweep the floor, but she does not like the way I sweep. Then the other day she went to bed to take a nap because she still wasn't feeling good, so when she woke up, she was angry because I was sitting on the couch and I failed to feed the dogs I guess.  I wasn't going to do anything to wake her. So now she is not speaking to me, and when I do say something to her she ignores me or she will say something cross to me, like she has hatred toward me. Please pray for me that this laziness will be lifted from me. And that our marriage will be restored!

Hi JDavidian. Welcome to Deep Waters. I don't want to comment too much on your husband's perspective at this time, but if he wants to come out of that struggle, there are people and resources to help him. One such resource is the Every Man's Battle sexual purity workshop for men to help him "win the war on sexual temptation." He can also phone 1-800-NEW-HOPE. There is a workshop every month. The locations are not posted in order to protect the privacy of those attending the workshop. The exact locations of each month's workshop are given to registered attendees only. Click the Every Man's Battle link for more information. On that same page, he can also sign up for a "weekly battle plan" a free resource. Sign up is for 18+ men only. There are also Every Man's Battle Support Groups all over the country that perhaps he can get involved with.

For you, I recommend you click on the "Wives, are you fighting your own battle?" link and see what resources are available to you in the online discussion group. There is also a 3-day workshop for wives of men struggling in this area. Description from New Life:

QuoteWhen a married man is struggling with sexual integrity problems, the emotional effects on the wife are often devastating.  All of the hopes of fidelity and security that began on the wedding day may be shattered, and those wounds are not easily healed.  Feelings of anger, mistrust, and betrayal are not repaired quickly or without work.  We know that every married woman's desire is to be in a relationship that is built on trust, secure in knowing that her husband is faithful to her in every way.  For that reason we have established our three-day Every Heart Restored program within the Healing Is a Choice weekend intensive, which is designed to help a wife in this situation understand her role in her husband's struggle and recovery.

In the Every Heart Restored weekend workshop attendees hear Steve Arterburn present his Healing is a Choice material in six general sessions.  After each main session attendees participate in small group counseling sessions led by a licensed Christian counselor. The program begins on Friday afternoon and ends around noon on Sunday. The workshop includes the program and materials, lodging, and meals.  Women are welcome to attend this seminar whether or not their husbands have completed the Every Man's Battle program.  This workshop is held every third month in regional locations.

I hope this helps. Please let us know how things are going. We will be praying for you.

You need to go to God.  Get in his face.   If you need to separate from your husband to allow room for God to work in and on him then do so.  In the meantime, you can intercede on his behalf.