Deep Waters Relationship Advice

Hello imuncertain & WELCOME to the Deep Waters Family

Truly my heart goes out to you as you try as best you can, to somehow "deal" with this devastating betrayal from your husband.

32 years living with & loving & sharing yourself with your husband seems like a "lifetime" to most of us ... Amen?  I'm sure that there is much wisdom (advice) that you yourself could share with us concerning "the how to's..." of marriage.  Simply to be able to say "I've been married for 32 years" ... speaks volumes (to me) regarding the kind of faith & character that we all ought to aspire towards!!!  Yes, my precious sister, YOU have quite an accomplishment within you!!!!

The Holy Spirit has moved me to speak to you about your "mountain" this way ...

Of course we know that the institution of "marriage" is just & Godly & good & is what most Christians are supposed to aspire towards ... Amen?  Through it, we are trained to rear our children (the most precious of all resources).

BUT ...

What "they" don't tell us  ... Something we only learn AFTER we say "I DO" (& the HUNEYMOON fades) ...is that ... "At the most inoportune times "Marriage" can turn into one looooooong never-ending therapy session ... Amen?  Meaning, "all-of-a- sudden-out-of-the-blue" ... these "strange" - unwelcomed - hard to understand feeling/emotions (spirits) RISE from within us & before we know it, we find ourselves taken-over by them!  Many of us married folk do the exact opposite of what we're supposed to do ... "we SHUT DOWN to our spouse", we go inward - we HIDE ... AND WE LIE"!!! ... to ourselves, each other & to our CREATOR!!!  Yes!!!  We separate ourselves & pull away from the very people that GOD has joined us together with. 

THEN ... WE SELF - MEDICATE!!!  We BINGE!!! 

We OVER ... eat, drink, smoke, pop-pills, shoot-up, etc.  & we fornicate (through intercourse, pornography etc).!!!  We sin against our own bodies!!!

X'CUSE me for a few paragraphs Holy Ghost!!!

My sister, if you were to try to get to the bottom (the root cause) of the situation by asking your husband the typical question "WHY" is he acting this way???  I would almost guarantee you that he couldn't & wouldn't tell you!!!  Because either he honestly doesn't know and or he is too fearfully confused to figure it out!!!  Which leads us to this all consuming  LUV-IT / HATE-IT ... gender specific non-clinical term I've coined as the "MAN-THANG" or  "MAN-BAG!!!

Sista' ... let-a-nutha'-sista' "pull-yo'-coat" (if I may) & walk with me on this "MAN-BAG" thang'!   Men do sum a da' dummest, stupidest, hurtful, wanna' clock de' nots thangs ... that coulda' ever been done!!!  (Can I git a witness!!!)

Why a man would knowingly throw away a "good woman" (which I'm sure that you are), a 32 year marriage & all that history (some of the best years of your life & his) that goes along with it, makes absolutely NO sense!

Now I will say this, we women aren't that much better because we instinctively make matters worse by doing what "WE DO" ... which is ... snoop, pass out guilt, yell scream & have fits & here's the worse thing we do ... we attempt to discipline our own husbands as if they've been unruly children & then if that doesn't work ... we mysteriously "whip-it-on-um" -BETTA" than the way we THINK they like it ... in some "desperate" attempt to jog their memory; make them remember what it is that their jeopardizing with their harmful behavior?

WHEW!!!  OK ... BACK TO GOD!!!

How do you handle this???

You do what YOU were created to do!  You remember who YOU are, WHO's you are & who made YOU!!!  The happiest you've ever been with your husband, can in no way compare to the ecstasy that you can live in - that will last you on through to an eternity!!!

As much as you may desire ...  YOU cannot control the will or the actions of your husband ... nor should you want to!  Your husband has his own mind & he will do as he wishes!  Regardless of how much it hurts you!  (Perhaps your seeing this now?)

Prayer works!!!  Sound spiritual council works!  Where is your Pastor?  Do you have one?  You do NEED one you know, especially now!!!  You know that GOD led to here because the "carer's" of this site are wise & spiritually connected to our Deity (e.g our Forum Admin. & her husband & moderators & posters!!! )

This may sound heartless, but  YOU must concentrate on your own mind-body & spirit - you can not help anyone who doesn't want to be helped (your husband, as evidenced through his persistent abuse towards you & your marriage).  My sister, you alone cannot fix him ... only GOD can do this!  If or when GOD decides to use you in this situation ... how will you know ... if you are preoccupied emotionally, by your environment???

Jesus is the lifter up of your head!  Seek him first!!!!  Breathe deeply and remember your strength, remember how far GOD has brought you, remember how HE saw fit to spare your life - when HE could have easily taken it away!!!

YOU are your greatest testimony ... even in the midst of your pain!!!  Bless GOD every moment, let HIM saturate your thoughts & HE will exchange your pain & your fear, for peace & HE will reunite you with your JOY!!!

God bless you my friend & I'll be praying your strength.


From my heart,

Gracious

I have been married for 32 years and about 4 months ago, I found an e-mail from my husband to another woman professing his love for her.  I confronted him and he said it was just "internet talk".  I also noticed that there were numerous phone calls to the same phone number on my bill.  I started monitoring the phone bill and over a 4 month period, over 500 calls were incoming or outgoing to that same phone number.  I was also able to get 3 or 4 more e-mails (before my husband deleted them) that included him telling her how much he loved her and how wonderful she was.  I confronted him again and told him that his lies and deceit had to end.  He said that nothing was going on and that he didn't think that he was doing anything to hurt me.  He was smart enough to try and cover his tracks but I still had enough information.  The person he was e-mailing is not the person he was calling.  We talked and cried and he promised to not do anything to destroy our marriage and that lasted 48 hours.  He is back on the phone and I've found 4 new e-mails.  I have 34 years invested with this man and I respect my marriage vows but I don't know what to do next.  I told him that this issue was making me physically ill and I guess it doesn't matter.  I welcome any input and suggestions.  I'm at my wits end.

Oh my gosh, my sweet sister, I do feel your pain more than you know as I have been dealing with this same issue in my husband for about 6 years.....I walked in on my husband having a grand ol time with some pornography. I was devastated, to say the least. In the 6 years since, he has become more and more willing with each "episode" (there have been 5 where I actually walked in on him) to deal with consequences of his actions up to and including moving out which he did after the last one. He had to explain to our two teenage boys why he was leaving and that their mom was not just going through another melt down. I tell you this to offer hope: the Lord has done a mighty work in my husband; but he has been willing. Your husband is still not willing to let go of his addiction and acknowledge it as such. And he is very wrong in who he is accountable to. He IS accountable to you!!You may have to seperate for health reasons, but lift him up in prayer and rebuke Satan. As a resource for you I can suggest a L.I.F.E. recovery group. It is geared toward the spouses of sex addicts. Also, Every Heart Restored is good. From a recovery standpoint though, the L.I.F.E. recovery group has been a big help.

Take Care my sister,
Christine

Thank you for having the courage and love to be so transparent and share your testimony! You have helped and will help many who read your post. Thanks also for validating the resources you mentioned. God bless you! Keep walking in and towards greater victory!

I am not really sure how to go about this in a "Godly" fashion other than to post  what I pray will be an encouragement to someone who thinks they are the "only one".

I am 43 and learned how to masterbate when I was like 3. I did it compulsively until about a year ago. ANYTHING I could use to stimulate myself I would.  Literally. This was all complicated by my pornography addiction and my same sex attractions.

I trusted Christ as my savior in 1997. While still doing my thing I began feeling guilt about it that Ihad never had in the past. I continued to do it; to relieve stress, when I was angry, when I was relaxing, when I went for more than a day without seeing my husband.......etc.

The long and short is I knew I had to get away from the pornography. That went first. I was taking care of things sometimes more than twice a day and would even binge with it.

In 2004 I busted my husband masturbating to a poro flick and lost it. I did not know he had this issue and we had never participated in it together. Since then, with every "slip" my husband had, brought yet more deviant behaviors of mine to light.

I rejoice in the Lord today that I have been free for over a year from masterbating and as my husband is working on his issues and we work together, I have found that all my self-stimulation was ruining my intimacy with my husband and taking away from him. He has discovered the same thing! The satisfaction I get from my husband today is way more than I was able to achieve by my own hands!

Every Man's Battle, Every Heart Restored, Every Woman's Battle, these are all resources I would suggest for anyone dealing with these debilitating and marriage killing habits. Oh ya, I am also happily heterosexual after so many years of women (prior to marriage). Praise Jesus!!!

There is hope for anyone who totally depends and trusts in the Lord to change their hearts. It has been painful and Ihave a long way to go, but I see the Light !!!

Ooops, almost forgot to address the question about your friend. I agree totally with David Dupree post. You must pray and ask God how to handle this issue. The stories might not be true or they might be only half truths. If the rumors are true then it's very easy to figure out how you should handle the problem. God bless.

I also serve Christ and I've been experiencing the same problem with men. At first, I really couldn't understand why I wasn't meeting at least a few like minded men in the church but I wasn't. Of course outside the church you only find the other 2 types which gracegirl described. Personally, I find all this very disturbing and it's caused me to give up on dating completely. As a Christian woman it's totally not worth dating under such circumstances. However, I feel sad because I had really hoped to marry someday. Does anybody have a clue why so many Christian women today are dealing with this issue?

Quote from: gracegirl on July 25, 2007, 03:45:57 am
Okay here's one for ya. I'm a beautiful, 30 somethin sistah in the Lord . Desires to be married and have a family. For some reason I keep encountering the following type of men 1. Flat out secular brothas 2. Men who used to be active in the church, loved the lord but now are bitter, carnal and avoid the  church like the plague. 3. Fake christian brothas.

I've only dated one type in Catergory #2 who asked me out and shared his experience.  But none of the others ever asked me out. Some of them I've known for a while. They are well aware that I'm a  follower of Christ and for some reason need to share there Burn stories of when they we're in the church. And a lot of there reasoning for leaving is valid, I have to say. I always find myself ministering to them in some fashion in the end. I know I have an evangelist gift but what is this about? I'm thinking " God, are you playin with me? You know I struggle with singleness !". Is this some sort of assignment? I don't hang out and purposely attract/seek these type of men.  Although I find them all very attractive and have this tug 0' war with my flesh.

Oh and on a far far side note,  I found out, from more than one person, that a friend of mine has a bad dating reputation. These were from two different men, mutual acquaintances I ran into, that went out with her and both said the same thing about her in regards to her behavior. It wasn't postive. Should I tell her? I know it sounds like a big pot of gossip but I'd wanna know if I'm creating a bad reputation for myself. 

My husband is a pornography addict. I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict with 25 (priase God ) years of sobriety. I first knew of his addiction back in 1997. I caught him with a magazine. I didn't know what to do. I was relieved that he could take care of himself, but totally missed the boat on where I was failing him by not being intimate with him as he needs it.
Men are wired completely differently than us. Check out the book every heart restored. it is for women whose husbands struggle with sex addictions. 7 out of 10 men struggle with pornography:that includes men in church! I can guarentee you if he has an addictive personality he has that going on. The hardest thing in all this is realizing the last thing Iwant to do is the thing my husband needs most to help him in his recovery. Thankfully my husband is willing; from experience Ican tell you that although his behavior exhibits otherwise, he does care about you and your girls. He does not know how to show it as he is caught up in his spiral. Pray for a servants heart and the ability to see him as he is-a sick man that desperately needs help. I would also suggest Al-Anon Family groups. There is a reason why you married him.......it gets worse before it gets better and it is NOT EASY or FUN!!!!!      Sincerely, Been there done that!

I enjoyed reading this post. I love to see when God has a done a work in a marriage...especially with all the tricks and trades the devil uses through others to break up a marriage. I'm sort of in the same situation. My marriage is not all I want it to be and my husband doesn't seem to see that. He thinks everything is alright when the fact of the matter is...our marriage is going down hill.

I have a question to ask deepwaters...When your husband (wife) is conversating with another woman (man) over the computer and texting about things inappropriate for that husband (wife) to talking about or expressing, is that cheating? Well, that's what my husband is doing but he denies it and thinks he isn't doing anything wrong. I came across a computer conversation that he has had with another woman saying things that should only be directed to me his wife. He's even told her he loves her. My trust and belief in him has dwindled down to almost nought and everytime I hear his phone ring or beep, I instantly think its her. I am a christian and I strongly believe in God but right now I have such a numb hurtful feeling inside that its hard for me to "let go and let God" even though I know He is able to do all things but fail.

What's a girl to do??? :'(I would greatly accept and appreciate any godly advice and encouragement.

Hello Sagesong,
I know my reply is way late but that is because I just joined this site. I can relate to your situation in that sometimes I wonder if I married the wrong guy. There is so much about him that I do not know and things right now are very shaky. We've only been married for 14 months now. My problem with him is that I'm coming across things that he shouldn't be doing as a married man. His actions have really put a damper on my trust for him and being able to believe him. Although reading through all the threads that have been posted to your issue, it really, really has helped me and encouraged me in what I need to do. It's just so hard to do that knowing he is still up to those things he shouldn't be. Nevertheless, I must do for me, what needs to be done. On that note, I ask you to pray for me and I'll do the same for you.

By the way, I hope all has worked out for your good. God bless you.