Husband leading a double life (sexual addition/identity issues)

[jdavidian]

I am looking for some advice, because I am so lost right now.  I got married 3 months ago to my husband who is an associate pastor and on his way to having his own church.  He grew up in ministry, but then joined the Navy and got far away from God.  Last year, he realized to come back to God, so he did full force, and that's when I met him.

After we got married, he started acting really distant, shut off, disconnected from me, his kids, and my son from a previous marriage.  Barely any conversation was exchanged, and he didn't really say anything nice or spend any time with me, but he was always in the Bible. 

I was concerned and went through his email and not only had he been soliciting women on the Internet for sex since we had been married, but he had an EXTENSIVE history in his email or soliciting men, women, and transvestites for every kind of sexual behavior imaginable dating back to 2005.  I found stuff I didn't even know existed on there. 

I confronted him and he denied it all, but did confess to the recent stuff while we were married, saying that he was dealing with his mom's death (from Oct. 08) in the wrong way, and he only sent emails, but never intended to act on them.  He said God forgave him and gave him another way to deal with it, and it was over, and if I thought there was anymore to deal with, I was threatening his relationship with God.  HE thinks there should be no consequences because God dealt with his mind already. He is very protective of his relationship with God, saying he is accountable to no one but Him. I believe that is a crutch to keep doing what he is doing, because he will handle it with God, I'm not a part of it, and I can't question that.

He is now out of town for work for 4 weeks and of course I don't trust him so I put one of those spyware things for pornography (even though I have no evidence he is doing this but he might be) on his laptop before he left so I could see if he was still sending these emails and soliciting people, and sure enough he's back at it out there.

I believe that deep down he wants to do what is right, but he is compartmentalizing this stuff as if it doesn't exist.  He is in deep, deep denial.  He is VERY concerned about image, and he probably married me because in ministry it looks better to have a wife, but he wanted to keep his secret life on the side, with no questions asked. 

I am probably going to leave him because my health and possibly my son's is at risk here, but I want him to get help, or he is going to bring a lot of people down with him if he continues in ministry.  I told him best friend since he was 5 about it because I knew I could confide in him and he would probably take confrontation from him better than me, because all I do is "nag" him and I'm the problem, but his best friend has no idea HOW to confront him.  When you are protecting something this secret, and I am probably the only one ever to have found it, who knows what he could do when confronted.  But he NEEDS help, whether I stay with him or not. 

Anyone have any experience with this? How do I confront him?

[sagesong]

You need to go to God.  Get in his face.   If you need to separate from your husband to allow room for God to work in and on him then do so.  In the meantime, you can intercede on his behalf.   

[Gracious]

Hello jdavidson,

God bless you my sister. 

Here are a few questions & I pray that what I'll share will help you:

How strong is your faith in God?  Do you "really" know Him?

I've asked you these questions because we often find ourselves in strange & hurtful circumstances  - "not" because we do not know how to pray (asking our God for what we may "think" we want), or we do not know how to go to church.  Often as Christians, we find ourselves in a "mess" because our relationship with our Deity has become disjointed / disconnected, and the product of our own disconnection tends to manifest itself in the choices that we make.

So my sista', I'll ask you again ... How strong is your faith in God? 

Do you know who He is ... where He is ... what we mean when we stress the importance of maintaining a strong connection with Him?  Oh yes, perhaps you can readily answer all or most of these questions now ... Amen?  Because surely after you've been through all that you have, more than likely, if you had it to do over again ... you would have NEVER gone anywhere near this man. 

But what about "THE - MAN" - GOD???  The God that was there long before you met your husband!  The One that speaks to us ALWAYS ... even when we are too messed up to hear Him! Yes - What about God?

Right now, you want answers & I don't blame you 'cause I would too!  Yet, what if the answers that you may think that you want ... may not help?  What if the answer(s) - the solution to the situation that you've gotten yourself & your daughter into, lies in the strengthening of your own relationship with Jesus The Christ?

Because I agree with sister "sagesong", you "do" need to go to God. 

Here, we talk about the need for family therapy with site info. & maybe this would be good for both you & your husband, but sista', my only advice to you would be to gain or regain a strong and unmovable faith connection with God Himself!  How else can you even have a prayer of a chance to come out of this horrible situation?

Yes your husband is a minister & so perhaps you thought that you were safe from all that you are now faced with.  Did you know that some "men & women of the cloth" have & hold onto demons too?  Trust me when I tell you ... you would be shocked at some of the disgusting things that some of these people who've chosen to lead the church ... hold in their spirits.  We read about this stuff daily, don't we?  Does this mean that we are supposed to shun ALL leaders in God's House?  Of course it doesn't! 

Then what do we do?

I'm led that we as Christ -Followers, are to attain & maintain a REAL, a healthy-working relationship with God and have no fear when it comes to obeying His voice.  Because His voice will ALAWYS protect us ... even from ourselves and our own mistakes..

Now this may seem selfish & I guess it is ... 

BUT ...

Yes intercede through prayer for your husband ... AFTER you have asked God for & YOU have received ... YOUR "own" healing ... right where you are!  Because you do have a precious child who is watching & loving you.

From my heart,


Gracious

[Forum Administrator]

Hi JDavidian. Welcome to Deep Waters. I don't want to comment too much on your husband's perspective at this time, but if he wants to come out of that struggle, there are people and resources to help him. One such resource is the Every Man's Battle sexual purity workshop for men to help him "win the war on sexual temptation." He can also phone 1-800-NEW-HOPE. There is a workshop every month. The locations are not posted in order to protect the privacy of those attending the workshop. The exact locations of each month's workshop are given to registered attendees only. Click the Every Man's Battle link for more information. On that same page, he can also sign up for a "weekly battle plan" a free resource. Sign up is for 18+ men only. There are also Every Man's Battle Support Groups all over the country that perhaps he can get involved with.

For you, I recommend you click on the "Wives, are you fighting your own battle?" link and see what resources are available to you in the online discussion group. There is also a 3-day workshop for wives of men struggling in this area. Description from New Life:

When a married man is struggling with sexual integrity problems, the emotional effects on the wife are often devastating.  All of the hopes of fidelity and security that began on the wedding day may be shattered, and those wounds are not easily healed.  Feelings of anger, mistrust, and betrayal are not repaired quickly or without work.  We know that every married woman's desire is to be in a relationship that is built on trust, secure in knowing that her husband is faithful to her in every way.  For that reason we have established our three-day Every Heart Restored program within the Healing Is a Choice weekend intensive, which is designed to help a wife in this situation understand her role in her husband's struggle and recovery.

In the Every Heart Restored weekend workshop attendees hear Steve Arterburn present his Healing is a Choice material in six general sessions.  After each main session attendees participate in small group counseling sessions led by a licensed Christian counselor. The program begins on Friday afternoon and ends around noon on Sunday. The workshop includes the program and materials, lodging, and meals.  Women are welcome to attend this seminar whether or not their husbands have completed the Every Man's Battle program.  This workshop is held every third month in regional locations.

I hope this helps. Please let us know how things are going. We will be praying for you.

[ccadroz93]

Oh my gosh, my sweet sister, I do feel your pain more than you know as I have been dealing with this same issue in my husband for about 6 years.....I walked in on my husband having a grand ol time with some pornography. I was devastated, to say the least. In the 6 years since, he has become more and more willing with each "episode" (there have been 5 where I actually walked in on him) to deal with consequences of his actions up to and including moving out which he did after the last one. He had to explain to our two teenage boys why he was leaving and that their mom was not just going through another melt down. I tell you this to offer hope: the Lord has done a mighty work in my husband; but he has been willing. Your husband is still not willing to let go of his addiction and acknowledge it as such. And he is very wrong in who he is accountable to. He IS accountable to you!!You may have to seperate for health reasons, but lift him up in prayer and rebuke Satan. As a resource for you I can suggest a L.I.F.E. recovery group. It is geared toward the spouses of sex addicts. Also, Every Heart Restored is good. From a recovery standpoint though, the L.I.F.E. recovery group has been a big help.

Take Care my sister,
Christine

[ellejae]

I am going through the same situation, and am also a newly wed. I found out on Nov. 10 and we separated 11 days later.

Please understand that when you walk in him, find evidence, etc., these are symptoms of an overall issue that is very powerful: sex/pornography addiction. I suggest you look it up on the internet.

My advice is to rebuke Satan, become a spiritual warrior for your husband. Pray protection surrounds you all as you deal with this. Bury your head in God's word. If you don't know where to start, ask God "What do you want me to know about you God?" then look at the resources you have at hand (devotionals, etc.) I will tell you I am sorry I did not treat my husband with loving kindness and that my behavior appeared to be condemning him when the opposite is true. I understand he's addicted, I understand it's real.

I will pray for you, I know what this is like. I know you're angry. God wants your attention.