Sad...another repeat performance

[Shulamitegrl]

I'll try to make a long story short...

I was brought up in a very Christian home (thank you Lord) and as a result I didn't interact with men on a social level until i left home for college. I had been to one school dance and my prom by the time I'd graduated from high school, never dated...

My first kiss was during Spring Break my freshman year in college when my parents allowed me to go home with a dorm mate of mine and she introduced me to a childhood friend of hers during the visit. We hit it off but were unable to stay in touch afterwards...

The next guy I met was a friend of my brother's who had been admiring me but was afraid to say anything to me thus possibly jeopardizing their friendship...but toward the middle of my junior year he approached me and we hung out for a few months until I found out he was also seeing another girl in my dorm. I cut off communication with him. At the end of the year, instead of returning home that summer I stayed near campus and worked. Little did i know that my apt was in walking distance to his. We started hanging out again after he made this awkward speech about how stupid he was a few months ago.  Things were fine for a while.  Then he began to withdraw and demonstrate this irrational behavior seeming very uncomfortable when we spent time together if we weren't cuddling or kissing. He never pressured me for sex. But if i wanted to have a serious conversation, he'd get squirmish.

Things ended abruptly as he just kinda went AWOL on me. The summer was over and from there I entered a relationship with an older guy who was a minister in training at the nearby bible college.  He was very persuasive and within 4or 5 months had attempted to sexually assault me. Just when I thought there was no escape he stopped and told me he could not penetrate me because God would punish him.  I graduated and returned home very broken...i wasn't involved with a man for 8 years. during that time I sought the Lord desperately because I was battling major depression, masturbation, guilt and suicidal thoughts. I had never struggled this way before.  I was very afraid.   I wanted attention from men but I was too afraid to interact.  I tried the internet briefly and met some very emotionally disturbed men which only reinforced my fears.

I began to see Christian counselors and God used them help me reach a point of wholeness again.  I ended counseling back in 2001

Now a dear friend from my past has shown up recently and pursued me for a relationship. My last so called relationship was almost 3 years ago and only lasted the typical few months. They NEVER GET PASSED 6 months tops. I wanted him to be different and I thought since our past history was that of a growing friendship that FINALLY i had met someone whose passion for the Lord matched mine and whose upbringing was similar and also who was ready for a mature relationship. Well it seems life is REPEATING itself as with in 4 months, he has withdrawn and if we are not laughing and playing etc, he's squimish and totally uncomfortable suddenly with being around me or talking serious with me.  To say the least I was hurt and disappointed because he approached me with what seemed like very serious intentions. Now he's treating me like "one of the boys" very detached and aloof...i'm convinced this is some horrible cycle that I'm stuck in and after all my counseling sessions I still haven't figured out what I'm doing wrong. Any insights? I'm beginning to feel it's the 'last straw.'   

[Forum Administrator]

Shulamitegrl, the cycle I suspect you are caught in is not so much about the behavior of the men you have been involved with. I suspect it has more to do with why you become involved with them. I suspect that there is a deep need within you to be affirmed, so much so that your pattern in relationships is one of passive acceptance and not active requirement. What is it that has caused you to believe that you are less than you really are?

The men you have been involved with (for the most part) sound as if they certainly have some deficiencies, but their bad behavior is their problem. You should not take responsibility or blame yourself for someone else's behavior.  You are only responsible for your own behavior.

Take a long and honest look at each of these relationships. Don't look so much at their pattern of behavior, but look at yours. Don't be passive in your involvements. It's not only about who wants to be with you, it's about who you want to be with. A big part of knowing who you want to be with is knowing who you are. You, your upbringing, your person, your personality, your character, your etc.: these are your pearls. Your relationship with the Lord, your walk with Him, your talk with Him, your life for Him, etc.: this is your holiness. "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." (Matthew 7:6)

Question for you: which of these relationships did you end? My guess is that with each of these relationships that didn't reach the 6 month mark, there was something about each one much earlier in the relationship that made you wonder if you should continue in it or not, or perhaps whether you should have gotten involved in the first place. Exercise your 'no.' If something is not right or is causing you to feel less than you are, put an end to it.

I recommend the book "Knight In Shining Armor" by P.B. Wilson. In it the author suggests going "under construction" for a time to work on building yourself up. I did it and I recommend it. You can click on the book title for more information, visit the Deep Waters Resources for Singles page, or your local Christian book store.

The affirmation you need you will not find in any man, not even a good man/husband. Your sense of wholeness must come from your relationship with the Lord. You have to find out/know what He says about you and allow the truth of His word to penetrate your mind not just one time, but over and over. Whatever God used to bring you to a point of wholeness before, go back and "do your first works." Review it and reapply it. If there's going to be any repeating from this point on, let it be a repetition of those things that continue to lead you to wholeness.

[Shulamitegrl]

 
I really appreciate your counsel Sis. Dupree....to answer your questions YES, there were things from the very beginning that i discerned about each man and I CHOSE to ignore it. So of course the truly saddening part is the constant question WHY? Why do I keep ignoring the obvious and choosing to be involved with men that aren't ready OR able to handle the type of relationship i'm pursuing.  What's wrong with me? 

As much as I think I'm ready for a committed relationship, i'm really still lacking in self-worth. I found myself with each guy subjecting myself to some very painful behaviour hoping that if i can just be _______________ enough (fill in the blank with whatever he wanted me to be) then he'd stopping behaving a certain way or stop treating me a certain way and everything would be better.

It just doesn't work like that. 

In reply to your other question, who called it quits, I did have one guy say "i'm not right for you" and that was that. But he wasn't saying anything i didn't already know.  The others? Well the more I sought wholeness the less tolerance I had for their behaviour which would answer why things don't progress beyond 6 months or less, I'd come to myself and as badly as i may  have wanted the relationship I'd become so full of the situation I'd start pushing them away and finally say, that's enough.

But I guess what i really want this time around is to be whole and restored enough not to even get into the situation. And it's not like EVERY time I fall into this, just enough times to know I've got a problem.  But  you reminded me of some very important counsel I received a few years ago and just today me and the Father were talking and I knew we hadn't had a REAL talk lately. So while I have a few days off that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Blessings to you and thank you SO much