The Battlefield

[Novelist]

I return to this same emotion in my mind and that is green eyes.  Though I want to see others happy, I battle within because it seem I cannot win this whirlwind of jealousy.  I tug and war and tug and war until I surrender my feelings to this life hinderance.  I know I am not innocent.  I am guilty of feeling this, yet I am in pain from the lack and to see others go forward with the love of their life, careers, prospering and realize that it is not me, I am not free.  I reside in this passion and this has been everlasting it seem, I want to scream, but I am living in a dream.  The reality is that my time is not moving at the pace I want, then I see others flaunt.  Somehow everything I most desire does not appear to me, so I imagine.  This is a spoken word from my heart, not to speak tranquility, but to express the trouble of my soul and whether I can stay in control.  Someday, I hope to achieve something worthwhile, something to make me smile.  I have come too many miles in this battlefield.  The battlefield of a woman who questions expectations and standards, who wants security and meaning, authentic relationship and looking forward to a great future. 

I speak the truth because I am not perfect in this.  I am not flawless.  In this day and time, I only want the best and nothing less because I have come from many things in life that scarred me.  I realize that God is with me, but sometimes, he is absent it seem.  I battle with my life as being a woman who wants love, yet I have been burned before.  I have a "friend" who I cannot maintain a friendship due to her relationship with another man.  She came out of an 8 year relationship and she is involved with someone again.  This hurts me in many ways because I can barely get one man, but yet she can make transitions.  I do not want to bear this anymore.  I will need to heal from this until I can be completely be happy for her because right now, I am not, I am hot, because I am a good woman too.  So why does it happen to me? When will love find me? I guess I will never know until I win this battle.


Novelist.

[Gracious]

Novelist,

There was a movie made in the late 80's entitled "Moon Struck" starring Cher Bono.

Towards the middle of the movie Cher happens upon the "love of her life" who was MANY years her junior. Totally NOT her idea of her "Knight in Shining Armor" ... Amen? Whelp ... in the movie, one morning this yuuuung man looked her in her eyes and amorously said those three words ... I LOVE YOU. To this she (Cher) SLAPPED the man across his face and said 4 poignant words that have stayed in my spirit ever since .. and those words were ... SNAP - OUT -  OF -  IT!!!

Sista' through the years, I've have grown to care soooo much for you. You have helped me (and I'm sure others as well) to look at some hurtful places in my life ... and ask my LORD to fix 'um. Mere words would never express just how grateful I am to GOD for sending your spirit my way! And I mean that!!!

But my sweet Sista', you have been singing this same ole' song for as many years as I have been on this site.

Now, trust that I mean you no harm, but girrrrl, I have gone to JESUS on many - many - many an occasion, asking HIM just how someone sooooooo gifted & anointedly -  insightful could remain so stuck, stuck in the very place that you have blessed others through and out of.

Did you not hear "Christian thought" as he brilliantly allowed the LORD to use him when he TOLD you about "Real Men"??? Have you not heard (RECEIVED) Madame F A, Brutha' David Dupree, Bishop Bisquits & others as they very carefully & loving - ministered to you about Relationships - Finding A Mate, Loneliness, etc. .

Chile, enough is enough my friend - SNAP - OUT -  OF -  IT!!!  You ARE BLESSED!!! You are ALIVE ... and YOU ARE FREE!!!  YOU are anointed, you are healthly, YOU have a mind, heart, soul & desire for GOD!!!

QUESTION!

If you doubt anything that I've written regarding your attributes ... then go where people are REALLY suffering - like halfway houses / shelters, where you'll find an host of  men, women & children who have allowed the enemy of their souls to cripple them physically & emotionally ... soooo much soooo that they WISH that all that they had to worry about was finding a mate, being lonely / and or bored!

My friend, if you TRULY desire a GOOD man in your life (and that MAN should be JESUS-FIRST... Amen?) - thinking that THAT will quench ALL your personal desires as a WOMAN ... THEN YOU HAVE & WILL CONTINUE TO STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!!

Spiritually, I believe that you are far better than what it is you have written, regarding your personal situation.

GET IT GIRL ... GET THE fact that as long as you are bound-bent on staying STUCK ... THAT is where you will STAY!!!

READ the therapeutic threads that our FA, her Husband & others have written ... THEN do EXACTLY what DAVID done ... "Encourage Yourself" in the LORD!!!  So that YOU WILL be MORE than a blessing to those of us who TRULY love & care for you.

Novelist, your friend is I'm sure, a good person & is blessed with the life that she has because she has done what sooooooo many of us here are desiring for you here, and that is A FOCUS CHANGE ... Amen?

Now, I don't know about you ... but to me, this isn't just a "chat" cyber-line ... Amen? This is a ministry network - A gift of GOD!!! A place where we are FREE to be who we are - GET our HEALING & GO into the DIVINE DESTINY that GOD has ordained for us!!!  Please, I'm not saying that you are just chatting, because I see that that's not what your about. It's just that I do see that you have not progressed / PROSPERED from the WEALTH of opportunity GOD has given you through this site ... and that is most concerning ... at least to me anyways.

From my heart to yours - please receive my friend - please receive,


Gracious 

[Novelist]

Gracious,

You are right.  I cannot defend myself in this because it is the truth.  I have to Snap out of it! Why have I been in this place too long? There are many reasons because I have allowed low esteem and jealousy get in the way.  It is my fault and I blame no one for it.  I must get over it, no matter how long it takes, I have to find a way to get this right for a change.  My focus must be on God, yet I am looking in other places, faces, and I land no where.  Most times, I would take this personally, but I know you are being real with me about my attitude and being in this place for too long.  Yes, I have read many posts on loneliness, relationship, encouragement, and so forth.  The challenge is facing the now and what I see because I can easily desire something, but if it does not show up, what is next?  Will I ever get the desires of my heart and that is my fear.  Fear is one of my weak points right now because I am afraid of being alone.  That is not the right mentality I admit.  Everything is meaningless as I have read in Ecclesiates.  We build our lives around careers, friends, soul mate, family, getting the best we can in this life and sometimes it seem far away.  We pursue our dreams and then it turns out to be a nightmare instead. 

I do not want to die in regret or misery.  If I continue to stress over the same issues, there is a problem and I am aware of that.  What I want is stability and security, love and understanding, happiness and joy, peace and calmness sometimes of my life.  Life is not perfect, I am not perfect, but at least have something to make my life memorable.  Gracious, I appreciate your love and concern for me and I mean that from my heart.