Step Parenting

[survivor]

Hi. Does anyone have advice on raising step children/ blended families?

I'm finding it kind of hard. Is anyone a step parent here?

[David Dupree]

Hi Survivor and welcome to Deepwaters!!

It will be easier to address your concerns if you are more specific concerning the issues and areas that you would like to have addressed.  That way the moderators will be able to focus more specifically to the appropriate person for the appropriate response to the particular issue.  Thanks for signing up!

dd

[survivor]

Hi. Sorry my reply is late. I dont get on the computer that much.

I am finding being a step parent and having a blended family is hard (at least for me it is). I am going through the ups and downs of being a step parent. One day I feel like its my duty but the next day I feel like its not. I think my feelings could cause me my marriage and that's the scariest part of it all. I feel so unappreciated by my step child. Which in turns brings on resentment in my heart. My husband told me I was jealous of my step daughter and that really hurt my feelings. Its not that I'm jealous. I'm just lost kind of and dont know what to do. I give my all and although I dont expect anything in return it does hurt a bit to know or to feel its not appreciated.  I dont feel apart of my step daughters life as I do of my husbands and I really want to. Sometimes I feel left out and that hurts. I dont know what to do.

Is anyone a step parent here/blended family member? Can you PLEASE give me some godly advice? I'm struggling and part of it is because I'm angry with my step daughter.

I want my marriage to be successful and I want my relationship with my step daughter to be successful too but I feel like I am the one having to do all the work.

Am I selfish to feel this way? What should I do? Part of me says get over it? But its not that easy. I guess for my marriage sake it should be.

Thank you. I tried using the smiley icons but wasn't sure how to. I think the cry icon would express how I feel. My friend is a part of this site and she suggested I come here. I like it. Thank you.

[David Dupree]

Hi Survivor!!  And welcome back! :-) 

I believe the some of the things that you are experiencing are normal and natural.  But you have to be able to see the situation and not just look at it.  What does that mean?  Let me see if I can explain myself a little better. 

From what I can garner from your reply, you came into a situation wherein your spouse had a daughter already.  They had/have a solid relationship to which you are the newcomer.  You not only have to adjust to the marital relationship, but you also have to adjust to being a defacto parent.  Neither of those are necessarily easy things to do. 

What you have to be able to do is not allow the enemy to sneak into the situation and ruin both relationships.  There is already going to be some agnst since you are not the child's natural mother.  But you can let the way you handle that situation work for you.  You don't have to replace the mother, but you can win the stepdaughter by just showing her the Love of God.

Please don't punish yourself because things aren't as smooth as you may wish or hope.  One thing that you cannot forget is that your stepdaughter probably will be a typical girl..which means your relationship would probably be strained even if she was your own birthed child.  Hey, children can just be difficult. :-) Sounds like she is a daddy's girl..and will probably continue to be.

If you truly are providing unconditional agape love to this girl, then the feelings of resentment and unappreciation are things that you really have to  guard against..because "perfect love casts out all fear, because fear has torment."  I John 4:18.       The bottom line - yes, you do expect something in return...you said it, that you feel unappreciated.  Therefore, you "expect" appreciation.  Yet, if you are going to be a defacto parent, then you must know that the things that you do are in the best interest of the child first and foremost...and as a parent, are done because you are a parent and not for a return from the child. 

God as our Father is the model parent, providing the things we need without  an expectation in return.  But we have to be like the one leper who returned and gave God glory(appreciation), although 10 were healed. (see John 17:12-19)   Like our Father, we encourage, teach, mimic, etc. the behavior that we wish to see exhibited from our children...but it doesn't always work out that way.   Your job? Continue to reinforce the behavior that you believe to be the way God would have you "raise" the child.  The Bible is still right.  Train up a child in the way he(or she) should go and when he (or she) is old he (or she) will not depart from it. Prov.  22:6. 

In the words of one songwriter "keep giving and giving and giving and giving and giving your all."   The verse says
"You keep giving expecting nothing in return,
but giving and giving out of love and concern
and when you think you've given all you can can
give even more...."  Carol D. Antrom

I believe on the other hand that if you just relax a bit and don't try to force the relationship on your stepdaughter, the relationship will build...as she builds trust in you.  First she has to trust that you are not going to take her father away from her.  Second she has to trust that you are not going to place a wedge in the relationship between her and her father.  Third, she needs to trust your motives..that you are not trying to win her to win the father.  No one wants to be used.  Finally, she has to trust that you will not become whatever negative associations she has from/through her mother.  Well it wasn't a Christian song hahaha, but some of the words may be appropriate..."don't push it, don't force it, let it happen naturally; it will surely happen, if it was meant to be."  :-)

The melding of the relationship with the stepdaughter is really not in your control.  But you do impact it by how you treat her and her father.   (not necessarily in that order) 

Back to my first statement...you are looking at the fact of the lack of the relationship with the stepdaughter; but you need to see the overall picture.  Hopefully, some of the things I said above will help you see a bigger picture.

dd

[Breathedonme]

Hi Survivor,

I have "step-parented" as well as had my children in a "step-parenting" relationship, if that makes sense.

My now ex-husband had a young son who was about 7 years old when we got together (I was backslidden, so he and I lived together).

I already had to children from a previous marriage, so that meant there were 3 children.  When he and I decided to marry, we were counseled my by a Pastor who explained that not only were we marrying one another, but we were marrying our children and an entire family.

During the course of our marriage, we had a daughter, so now there were 4 children.  His son lived with us sometimes.

Things were pretty cool, until the children began to get older.  There were resentments and bad feelings, largely because my ex didn't know how to raise teenagers and had a very negative attitude.  I found that I was playing referree (sp???) most of the time.

Eventually my ex left us for a younger woman.  This new "step mom" (although they never married) treated our daughter TERRIBLY.  She was jealous of her, she couldn't understand why my daughter couldn't initially warm up to her (our daughter was 8 years old when he left us and our daughter blamed this woman for the breakup). 

As a side bar, after 8 years and 2 babies later with this woman - he has now left her for another woman!  These children are now 2 and 5 years old.  Lord, have mercy!

Sister, there are things that I'd like to question you about, of course you don't need to answer them:

1.  How old is this daughter?
2.  At what point in her life did you and her dad get involved?  For example, is there any reason why this child might feel that you interferred in her parents' relationship?  Children often hope their parents will get back together.
3.  What is it that you expect from this child?
4.  Do you have other children? 
5.  Do you realize that there are seeds that you can deposit and/or water in this child's life.

Sister, step-parenting isn't easy, particularly when the children are teenagers and if there are bad feelings between the child's mother and the step-mother.  You haven't stated if that is the case here.

There are wonderful books out there by Christian writers to help you.  In addition, remember, as a woman of God it is for you to head the enemy off and to ask God to help you with motherly feelings toward this child and direction, even if she doesn't quite deserve it.

Praying for you my sister!

[Gracious]

Dear Survivor ...

I trust that you are absorbing the plethora of wisdom, flowing almost effortlessly ... from DOC-TA' Dupree  ... and the Anointed Sista' Breathedonme  

...'cause I sho' is   

Huuuuney, there's nothing like God's Grace ... the kind that points you towards this cite -n- nudges you to share what's in your heart.

This is an arena ... about which I know little ... just want ya'll to know that we saints are  & prayin' fa' ya'!!!

Gracious

[Breathedonme]

Hey Survivor,

I was somewhat (smile) watching tv and  Pastor R.A. Vernon was talking about "step" families.

He dropped this nugget of wisdom -- when you marry a man or woman with a child - seek God regarding this divine assignment he has given to you to be in this child's (children's) life.

Even if the child doesn't call you "mom" or "dad" call them son and daughter.  Let that child reflect on their childhood saying that I just remember the kindness of my stepparent - feed me, treated me well, etc.

I think that is awesome!  Our step children are our divine assignments if we believe that God has given us our spouses.


Also, he said that you don't let any child take authority in your home.  There is more, but the teaching was awesome.  I pray this helps.

[deelee]

Hello Survivor, I married a man who had to get custody of his three children(ages 5, 10 & 12 wow!!!) from his first marriage. We were married less then a year and had one child together. Can I say BIG adjustment. Me, an only child and newly married. We struggled, every which way.
The children were not use to discipline or answering to any one and I was not use to kids coming and going as they pleased. Finally we all got it together, with lots of prayer,love and talking. they are now 22,27,& 29. All are doing well. God is able to do whatever, all we have to do is remember to keep him first and always seek him. Many times I would find myself ready to lock myself in my room, because I wanted to make sure when I responded it was how GOD wanted it to be. I struggled with that. GOD has blessed us so they are all saved, the two older ones are married with children and the 22 year old is in his third year of college, and the youngest is 16. While it has not been easy I would not trade it. I have always tried to keep communication open, be honest with them and not force anything.

I had an opportunity to teach parenting classes thru my job and I think I learned more from the class then my students. The biggest thing was "positive re-inforcement".

I dont know if this helps any but, GOD never fails and I can surley testify to that. 
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Stay Blessed DeeLee

[survivor]

Hi everybody. To answer one of the posters (breathedonme) questions.

1. My step daughter is 14

2. I came into her life when she was 12
I dont think there is a reason why she would feel I interfered with her parents relationship because her mom and dad have not been together for about 8 years.

3. Respect for the most part.
Its tough when you do more than the mom, and am basically the "mom" but get the bad end of the stick. I cant say I know what it feels like since both my parents were together and married but I imagine this is very new to her. But I have done all I can to show her I love her and am not trying to take her father away.

4.  No.

5.  Yes.

Just like deelee I have had to keep myself in the room so that when I do come out what I say out of my mouth will be what God would have me to say. Sometimes its hard , because sometimes I want to just say what's on my mind but I know that will make things worse.

We just joined a church last Sunday who has a ministry for blended families. I pray this helps us.

Thank you.

[deelee]

Hi survivor, I pray that all is well. Respect is something we think should be a given - and maybe it should, But concidering she lives with you and dad, mother may have been lacking?  Although you have only been apart of her life for a short time she may still want to blame you for her parents not being together/ or getting back together because she needs to blame someone. As you said you do all the work but get the bad end of the stick.Maybe cut back on some of what you do, you can't make someone love you. Not to say that 's why you do things for her.
I had to deal with the baby mama drama x's 3, she(mother) did nothing, was rarely avaliable for visits, made lots of broken promises which caused alot of anger and hurt for the kids who in turn took it out me.
Keep talking to her even when you may not feel like it, she will one day see you are not a threat . Keep GOD first and keep praying.

Stay Blessed and you all are in my prayers.

[Breathedonme]

Survivor --

14 YIKES!!!  LOL

Sistah Gyrl!!!  Even if you birthed this child this age is usually the beginning of the attitudes and so forth!  So you are dealing with a combination of step-motherhood and hormones rising up.

LAWD HAB MERCY!!!  LOL

I am elated to hear that you and your family have joined a church that has a ministry for blended families.

Lean on the Lord through this process.  There is much going on here.  However, if you are serious about your understanding and acceptance that God has now placed this assignment in your lap of this 14-year old sister, then you have to get prepared.

Remember, that as a believer you have authority in the Spirit.  You have to declare and believe that God is going to work this out.  Particuarly as He provides you with the tools and the strength to deal with this girl.

One of the things that has helped me is to understand that I am not supposed to like poor behavior or sinful behavior from others, BUT I HAVE TO LOVE THEM - THESE PEOPLE.  The next step was to ask God to help me to see these people through the eyes of Christ.

When this revelation becomes real to a person, it truly changes your way of handling people.  The other side, and I think the church ministry will help you with this -- as much as you are trying to be a loving and patient parent, you are an adult in the house and children (yes, even teenagers) are manipulative and will try to pit one parent against the other.  TELL THE DEVIL OH NO, NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!

I believe God in this situation for you and your family.  Only God knows what ministries need to be birthed in this young sister as well as for you and your husband.  The enemy cannot abort the plans God has for you and your family.  Jeremiah 29:11 

Be encouraged and please keep us apprised.  Lastly, I was reminded about this this weekend, praise is great, but it is when we go deep into Worship that we begin to gain strength, receive clarity and can handle the storms a bit better.

Lastly (or did I say that already - LOL) -- if you haven't done so, incorporate prayer and Bible time in your home -- there might be rebellion, but ask God about doing so.  Our teenagers didn't care for it at first, I did it more like a time for them to lay out their prayer requests for others, we gave them the Word, but nothing long and drawn out, and then my THEN husband (LOL) spoke blessings over each one of their lives.

Well, the rebellious teen is now saved and a mighty woman of
God.  She should be graduating with her second degree, prayerfully, this coming May.  The rebellious stepson recognized his need for peace through Jesus Christ.  Little did we know that the oldest had seeds that were being deposited and when he reached 22 or so years old, gave his life over to Christ (we are still praying for this brotha -- LOL).


I am praying for you Suvivor!

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

My reply is late, but I hope you at some point will see this. I've not responded because I was waiting to hear something specific either from you or one of the other posts and hadn't...so here's my two cents.

I am not a step parent, but I had two step parents and I have a 14 year old son who is not my husband's biological child.

First, the law says that you are her step-mother...God dictates that you are her mother. Period. I honestly believe that part of the reason the my blended family is working as well as it is...it is attributable to the fact that my husband has NEVER referred to him as his step child. even when we were courting/engaged he has always called him his son...and he made sure he heard it. We would be introduced as "my girlfried xyz and my son xyz or my fiance and my son. Keep in mind, my son has a SOLID relationship with his real father...and he still worships the ground he walks on...but he has mutual love and respect for his 'Dad 2' which is how my son has my husband labeled in his cell phone.

Second, don't take it personal that she may still have desires for her parents to get back together. ALL KIDS instinctively do it. My son used to SEE his father and myself physically fight. At 7 he stood up to his father because he grabbed my arm one night...but to this day he will tell you, that he loves my husband...but if me and his dad were to reconcile it would be 'cool'. Your daughter MIGHT feel as if she's betraying her mother by allowing you to fill that place in her heart.

Last, and MOST IMPORTANT --as I piggy back on an earlier comment--the attitudes, dispositions and interactions that you have described about your daughter are normal teenage hormonal things. I deal with it from my son and he's been mine every day of his natural life. If I tell him he can't have something, he calls his dad or his paternal grandparents and get it. Any thing I tell him is second guessed by him and he'll go ask my husband. If it's something he thinks I'll have a problem with or if he knows I'm gonna lose it...he goes straight to my husband. He would rather have my husband go off on him than me.

YES, it hurts. She probably loves you more than you realize...but like most kids...she thinks you should already know that. I was 30 and had been a mother for 10 years before I ever realized my mother doesn't know how I feel about her UNTIL I TELL HER. We do it ALL. We cook, clean, fix problems, giggle and joke with friends...we are their best friends for the stolen moments when they allow us to be that person for them. We are the ones who put the puzzle of their broken heart back together when the absent parent breaks a promise...but that's what we are supposed to do.

Motherhood is a THANKLESS JOB--it doesn't matter if you are the mother, the step-mother, the play-mother, the god-mother, the grandmother or the best friends-mother. They pay is ATROCIOUS...but the payoff is priceless! I'm looking forward to the day when my then-grown son will come back to me after he has the epiphany that for all these years...I was not only right...but that I've ALWAYS been right there for him.

[Breathedonme]

In a word "AMEN!" I AM, "AMEN!"

[survivor]

Hi Everybody.

Thank you for the advice. I understand all that you all have shared.

Things are going well with us. I guess since I dont have any kids (and at the age of 37 dont look like I'll be having any:-) just want things to work out with my step daughter. Not saying that if I did have kids I wouldnt want things to work out between us. But you all know what I mean. So far things are good. I'm learning its all apart of the process.

Thank you all.

[survivor]

Should a step parent discipline their step child or have just as much say so as the bio parent (why or why not)? This is if the child is living under the same roof as the step parent.

What type of boundaries should be set in a blended family between the step - parent/child?

My step daughter came back to live with us and I am trying to do things differently this time. She's growing into a young woman (she'll be 15 this month) and of course she thinks she knows it all. So its almost like having two grown women in the house and to make it work I have to be careful in my actions.

Thank you.