I Need the Wisdom of my Sisters...

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

I am about to marry the man God created just for me. As far has he and I are concerned...all is well. The problem is his mother.

To sum up the situation, she called me a home-wrecker, because I am marrying her son. She has perfected the art of the damsel-in-distress and whenever I step in to stop the foolishness, it becomes an all out war.

She is upset with me because I didn't do the research to find out who the people in HER family are to invite them to the wedding. When I finally contacted someone to get some addresses, she got mad at me because I was missing people I don't know. But keep in mind I asked her for this information 3 MONTHS ago. We (my fiance' and I) ordered invitations according to the list we had compiled...and now she wants me to free up an additional 50 invitations for people she 'forgot' to give me. I forgot to mention that I get married in 24 DAYS!!!!

The most recent issue has become an argument over the catering for the reception. She volunteered to pay for the reception, but since I am 'tacky and I don't know what I'm doing', she attempted to change everything. Now I am evil because the caterer (someone in my family) told her that they will not change anything without my and my fiance's word. I'm to the place now where I'm ready to serve cake and punch and be done with it. She can keep her money.

This is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life and the actions of other people have me stressed, angry and crazy  .

The problem is that I am fully aware that THIS IS NOT GOING TO END. My finace' has been VERY suppotive of me, which of course enrages her. The obvious answers are not working. The more I try to love her, the more unlovable she becomes.  One would think that since we are both saved, and preachers of the Gospel, we might be able to find a common ground.....NOT! I feel for my fiance' because he's caught in the middle. I'm at my wits end, and I REALLY REALLY need the wisdom of my sisters...or even my brothers who can relate....

[Gracious]

To My Precious "IAmBecauseHeIs":

I believe that there is "true revelation" in your name!!!
Yes ... you are ... why? ...because HE is!!!

I speak to you my sister, because I too, am approaching that bless-sed day (April of this coming year...HALLELUHAH!!! )

We "WOMEN"...are  uniquely anointed vessels...AMEN?

We are strong and resilient...Once we have developed an idea about a particular situation and or person; it takes literally, an act of GOD (moving ...if need be...several times...catastrophically) in our lives...to change our minds / hearts about that "thing" / situation / person...Amen?   I believe that such character traits were developed through Eve     

Eve is the MOTHER of all mankind, ergo when we think of her (if ever any of us do think of her), ought we not do so with gratitude towards our heavenly FATHER...for HIS infinite wisdom???

One could never categorize motha' EVE as perfect (without flaw), however she "is" perfection (every flaw erased by the loving anointing of our FATHER)...

GOOD MOTHERS, are truly fearfully & wonderfully made...They are "NOT" to be "underestimated / messed-with"...AMEN?
When you rub, a man's mother...the wrong way...CHILE / Honey / B-A-A-A-BY ... you truly have the "fury of hell" on your hands!!!

Now, please don't mis-read me...I am NOT insinuating that you had anything to do with her interpretation of you...(that's neither here nor there at this point)...What I am saying is...perhaps, instead of woefully looking at your "cup"...your situation with "this" mother...as being -  half empty...why not look at this pestilence between you two...as an opportunity to enhance the "tie" between you both (the LUUUVING devotion between you & your soon-to-be- Huuuuusband )...by acquiescing (giving her the impression...that "her way" is the "best-rightest" way and do as she asks...however ridiculously impossible...without second-guessing her motives / however obvious!!! GOD -  through the eyes of  "yo' man" will see your efforts and be bound/devoted to you with such admiration & "more-spiritually" than you could ever ask or think (remember the "tie" I'd mentioned earlier).

Lastly.........when you STOP / STILL your flesh...and place "it" (whatever that enemy / in-law spirit) haphazardly throws your way...by looking-up (to the FATHER - FIRST)...breathing DEEPLY...and THINKING your way through...with an anointed freedom that says:
Enemy (In-a-you...In-a-me)  "I" am greater / stronger / with the kind of compassion that can fill the lives of the "hurting" (which is yo' mom-in-laws REAL issue) rather than...internalizing her (your mom-in-law's) frustrations regarding her own mortality / limitations.

My special friend, I encourage your beautiful heart...to open even more...towards this
hurting and insecure woman...who birthed the LOVE of your life.

Trust in GOD to show you how...and HE will...HE always does!!!


My prayers are ever with you (FOR REAL!!!)
Gracious[/b] [/color]

[Breathedonme]

I guess I am more cynical than G (smile).

I believe in blessed are the peacemakers, but Sistah, when the Lord says there is no good thing that dwells in this flesh  -- OH MY   

The weapon you have is prayer.  I believe you should make peace as best you can, but my concern is that this woman shouldn't be all up in the Kool-Aid. 

Anyway -- I could say more, but will pray for your soon to be mother-in-law.  Gosh, if you give a gift, let it be a gift, not a control tool.

Some moms can't let go.  My concern is about the future.  HOWEVER, with that said, God is able to do the impossible.

Lastly -- you and your spouse should consider moving far away (LOL) -- only joking.

I pray that all goes well for your wedding, and congrats and God's many blessings to you and your intended.

Usually there is a great deal of anxiety and "stuff" just before a wedding, but sounds like some folks beez in der flesh and not walking in the Spirit.  HEP US LAWD!!!

I am praying for you.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello IAmBecauseHeIs (and everybody). Every couple preparing for marriage must face and address the possible or real scenario of how to deal with the degree of family members' involvement in the marriage. It is sometimes difficult for family, particularly mothers, to adjust to the idea that the person who was once part of their primary family now has his/her own primary family unit. The reality is what was once primary now becomes secondary and that is sometimes a difficult reality to face.

I will not comment on your soon-to-be mother-in-law's behavior because she could be acting the way you have described for any number of reasons. The real focus needs to be on you and your husband-to-be and how you respond to what is happening. While you may not like the way your fiance's mother is acting, do your best to honor her. That does not mean that you have to do everything she says/suggests. It does mean that you must be respectful and mindful of her position as the mother of your fiance, your elder and your future mother-in-law.

If you find that you and she are butting heads on various things, my suggestion would be to allow the one who you know she loves--her son--to speak for the both of you. This is when you and your husband-to-be begin to make decisions that affect you both as a new primary family. Discuss how you want things to be and do what is best for you as a newly forming family. Strive for peace, as much as you are capable of, but recognize that this is part of the leaving and cleaving process: beginning to make decisions for your new primary family. At the same time, weigh your decisions with peace in mind and if you can find a way to involve your mother-in-law on "non-essential" elements of your wedding, do that. Try to find a happy medium. If it is an essential element for you and your husband-to-be, stick with the plan(s) that you both come up with. If it is a non-essential element, see what you can both do to accommodate requests/suggestions.

If your mother-in-law is paying for the reception and wants more people to come, will that really matter to you? If it won't cost you anything, let her go for it.  If you would be willing to settle for "cake and punch" what she does may not be so bad. Why not let her know that she is free to extend a personal (i.e. word of mouth) invitation to those extra people that she wants to invite, but you have already met your deadline and quota for printed invitations. Remember, let the one she loves the most communicate with her.

This is you and your fiance's wedding and you have a right to do it as you please. This is, after all, one of the first major events/decisions that you will make together. However, as you make your decisions, seek to honor this woman who is a major part of your new extended family. If she just seems to want to be at odds with you, express appreciation only (perhaps via card and/or gift) and keep your communication with her to a minimum. As has been said in a previous response, commit your relationship and communication with her to prayer and seek to do what is God-honoring. Cast your anxiety and cares on God, come to mutual understanding with your fiance on what decisions to make, and continue to stand together.

As you have said, this will not end here. But what you are doing now will help to set precedent for future dealings with family members, or more specifically, your mother-in-law. The marriage will be between you, your husband and God. Period. But keep in mind that God wants you to honor your mother... and his too.

P.S. Remember your signature scripture: "The last and final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you.  And that's it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it's good or evil. (Ecc. 12:13-14, Message)"

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

THANKS!!!

I have gleaned something from all the responses.

So much has happened between my original post and this response that all I can say is I MUST TRUST GOD.

Administrator, you are right. I must honor her...no matter what. If I keep that in the forefront of my spirit, then maybe my perspective will change and I'll be able to find that peaceful place with her. If it never happens, then I will have to resolve to keeping my communications with her at a minimum.

PS. Breathedonme, you were joking but we have already begun considering relocating because of her and her antics.

thanks for the love and wisdom. 

[Vikki Johnson]

"Husband-to-be" needs to step up and put Mommy in place.  Unfortunately, it appears she has an "unnatural" hold/connection to her son.  Biblically, he is commanded to "leave Mommy and cleave to wife. " My advice would be to let the son deal with his mother until God changes the essence of your interaction with his mother.  I believe that with God all things are possible.

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

Vikki,

Flesh and blood did not reveal the 'unnatural connection' to you. The strange thing is ... it's all one-sided. At any rate. He has already begun to step up and place things into perspective. She's not happy...but God WILL get the glory! I told him that it is best for me to only deal with her through him.

God is still moving..and He is YET able!

[Sandra Mizell Chaney]

Dear IAmBecause HeIs,

As I sit and read this email, the first thing that pops into my mind is fear.  You stated,"she called me a home-wrecker, because I am marrying her son. She has perfected the art of the damsel-in-distress and whenever I step in to stop the foolishness, it becomes an all out war."  For however many years, she has been the woman in his life.  You don't talk about how the relationship between his mom and you when you were dating.  However, dating in her eyes is one thing.  Now he is leaving her to cleave to you, as the bible states you are now becoming one.  She is scared and fearful because she thinks she is loosing her son and instead of realizing she is gaining a daughter.

Everything negative that is happening is an attempt to sabotage your day.  She is trying to show her son that you are not worthy of him and know one knows him better but her. After all, you forgot to include some family members that you DON"T even know.  The enemy is using her to ruin your day. She has not cut that maternal cord and her life has revolved around her son. See it for what it truly is, FEAR. If not you, it would have been someone else.

I will be praying for you, believing God for healing in your relationship with your mother-n-law and that she will see that she gained a gem in you.

[morefaith]

If you are as sure as can be that he is the one, you are both of age and maturity, and you don't feel any gut feelings (the Holy Spirit) that there is something wrong with the picture of him and mommy:


1.  Pay for your own wedding.
2.  ELOPE!!!

What's more important the wedding or the marriage?

P.S. the moving far away ain't a bad idea, but you shouldn't have to do that.

Just my 2 cents

GOD bless you and yours!

[Breathedonme]

I think it might be a little late for eloping for this sister, and why should she be denied of the type of wedding that most young girls dream of?

However, I still hold to the thought of moving a comfortable distance to give themselves more of a chance.  I initially said that jokingly, but the more I think about it, the better it might be.

I just hope they can find peace in the situation.

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!

Tomorrow (Saturday) we will have been married 7 days. The wedding was marvelous. God manifested his presence and was glorified.

We haven't spoken with his mother since we left town on Sunday. She hasn't returned any of our phone calls. We have spoken and prayed about it and have agreed that the ball is now in her court.

Our only desire throughout the entire process was that no one would be able to take any glory out of our day except God. God did exactly what he promised he would do. Trust God, Have Faith, and Believe. God keeps his promises.

THANKS TO EVERYONE for sharing your time, sharing of yourselves and your prayers.

I Am Because He Is!

[Breathedonme]

I AM!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  I am so very happy for you and your spouse!!!

LOOK AT GOD!!!

I was wondering how things turned out! 

Why do you think she is keeping her distance (not to get "stuck" on this)!

I am so happy that your HUSBAND (doesn't that sound good??) is in agreement with you.

I pray for God to touch his mother's heart and help her.

What God has joined together wha??

Do it God!

WONDERFUL NEWS!

[Forum Administrator]

Happy Anniversary, IAm!  Keep building on a good foundation.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello again. Just left a little something for you in the Catch of the Day section. Please check out Resolving Conflicts in Marriage. Draw on it as the need arises.