Woman with the issue or arguing!

[One_of_the_few]

My problem is arguing. I argue too much. I sometimes make something out of what my significant others thinks is nothing. We'll argue and then an hour later I am apologizing. One of the reasons we argue is because I don't like the fact that other females call him -- especially those whom he has been involved with in the past. In the beginning of our relationship they would call often but now they don't call as much as they use to. Part of this is because he has shared with them he's in a relationship. He looks at it like a "hello how you doing" every once in a while cant hurt from an old friend...... And I agree but when you get a "hello how you doing or I was just calling to say hi" every other week (from someone who feels like I stole you away from them or who wanted to be in a relationship with you but you not wanting to be in one with them) I feel like that friend is not respecting your relationship and may very well want more than a check in and out relationship with you.  

I know most of the arguments stem from my getting angry and expressing how I feel off of high emotions which isn't good. I have learned that when I cool down the situation is really not that serious but most times I don't take the time to cool down. Whenever we argue he's so patient and longsuffering (if you will) with me. Its like he try's his best to avoid it while I keep going on and on. Its like I have this anger thing and when it flares its like BOOM....its like the energizer bunny almost. The thing I hate about it is that's just how my mom is and I hate that about her.  

He's a good man and I don't want to push him away but I'm afraid that the arguing will.  How do I stop? How do I keep peace even when I feel like I want to argue? What are other ways to communicate?

Maybe this isn't even about him....just maybe there are some things I need to work out with in me.

Be blessed!

[Forum Administrator]

Hello One_of_the_few. Thanks for your post. You've touched on a few things in your post. Let's start from the bottom and work our way up.  

Maybe this isn't even about him....just maybe there are some things I need to work out with in me.

Brava! That was a revelation indeed! No matter what is going on around you, or who's doing what, it's always about you and how you respond. You can't change anyone but yourself, but with God's help, you can change you. So let's keep the focus right there.  

He's a good man and I don't want to push him away but I'm afraid that the arguing will.

There are a couple scriptures in Proverbs that describe an argumentative (contentious) woman (Proverbs 21:19; 26:21; 27:15). In short, she is described as someone you want to get as far away from as possible. Arguing never helps any relationship. But putting the focus back on you, you need to realize that this is a problem that needs to be addressed not only because you don't want to push a good man away, but because it makes you the kind of person you don't want to be. Make the change for you. It is possible to be angry all by yourself, and when that happens, you'll be trying to get away from you and that, my dear, is a formula for suicide.

How do I stop? How do I keep peace even when I feel like I want to argue? What are other ways to communicate?

Great questions and further revelation. You must put a stop to this. Uncontrolled anger is not something that you can pray about about and have supernaturally lifted away from you. It is not something that God will take from you; it is something that you must "put away" from you. Check out these verses from Ephesians 4:

22That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
23And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;  
24And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
You are in Christ, so you are a new person. Allow that truth to sink in because when you fully realize it, you'll also realize that you no longer have to do/deal with things "the old way" any longer. The solution to your problem starts in the mind, specifically with the reprogramming of it. Your mother may have an anger problem, but you are not your mother. You are an adult woman who is fully capable of making choices on your own. Though you may have been predisposed to excessive anger because of your environment, you are not inextricably tied to it. The first step is to make a decision that you will do things differently from now on. God has empowered you to do it. How you think determines how you will act. Any thought (and consequent behavior) that does not align itself with this "new you" and way of thinking, must go!
   
25Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.  
Realizing that the choice to do things differently is up to you, leads me to the next step: take responsibility for your response. Did you know that no one has the power to make you angry? It's true. Someone may provoke you to anger, but you and only you determine the response. That's what self-control is all about. A big part of that has to do with honesty. You must be honest with yourself and with others. Be honest about what you feel; be honest about what is causing you to be angry; and be honest about what you say. A lot of times when we have angry outbursts we say things that are just not true. Learn to make a distinction between fact and feeling. One thing that helps me when I find myself excessively angry is to have an internal dialogue with myself. I start by asking myself "What are you really angry about?" and I keep asking until I get to the root of the problem. Picture this scenario:

You feel angry.
You ask yourself, "What are you really angry about?"
I'm angry because these women keep calling my man and they are not respecting the relationship he and I have!
"What are you really angry about?"
I'm angry because he allows them to call and I feel he should tell them not to!
"What are you really angry about?"
I'm angry because I'm not 100% sure I can trust him and I'm afraid he'll hurt me.

At this point, the question has to change because you have identified the real problem (i.e. "you" are afraid). That would be the problem to deal with, not the women calling; not the man allowing them to call; but the fear that "you" have.

Sometimes it's not anger we are dealing with, but hurt or fear or shame or humiliation (or something else). By the time you peel back the layers and get to the root of the problem, more than likely, anger is not the emotion you will feel. Anger is usually a manifestation of something deeper. You must take the time to get to the root of your anger. Do whatever you need to do to take the time to sort through to the root (i.e. walk away; call later; go for a walk, etc.). This mental exercise will help you to get a hold of your anger instead of allowing it to get a hold on you.

26Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:  
27Neither give place to the devil.
Use anger the way it is supposed to be used. Sometimes anger is justified. We should get angry about about the things that God gets angry about.* Anger is a God-given emotion. However, how we express our anger can be sinful. Don't allow what God has given you (the emotion of anger) to be misused and abused, and don't use anger to try to manipulate others (i.e. by holding on to it). That's how the devil functions: misuse, abuse and manipulation. Realize that unrighteous anger (i.e. being angry for the wrong reason(s) and expressing that anger in the wrong way(s)) will never get a good/godly result (James 1:19, 20). Anger is intended to spur us on to make a positive impact. If you're not making a positive impact, your anger is either unjustified or misused.
 
28Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
When you are angry for the wrong reasons and express that anger in the wrong way, you steal from yourself and others. You steal peace of mind; you steal your own joy; you steal life from your body; and you deplete yourself of the resources that could be used to help and do good for someone else. Make a decision to not do anything that will keep you from making 100% of your best self available.
   
29Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister    30And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.grace unto the hearers.
I looked up the word 'corrupt' just the other day, because this passage of scripture is a personal goal of mine. Assignment: look up the meaning of the word 'corrupt' (adj). If what you are about to say (even in anger) is not helpful to the "hearers" (that includes you), don't say it. One of the most powerful witnesses of our relationship with God are the words we say.  So for God's sake (and yours too), even in anger, watch what you say.
   
31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

One of the leading causes of anger is unforgiveness. When you don't forgive, the offenses build up and you'll find yourself in a continual state of anger, easily set off. Forgive. A review of the post Letting go of the hurt and pain may prove helpful to you.

I strongly recommend that you read the book Make Anger Your Ally by Neil Clark Warren.


You can click on the book title (which is a link) or find it at a local bookstore. This book will give you practical insight into how to get control of your anger.

One more thing I feel the need to say before I go, you have to decide how important an issue the calling of the other women is to you. If things remain as they are as far as the phone calls, you have to honestly ask yourself if you can live with that (and still be the best you). If you can live with it (without it negatively affecting you), leave it alone and focus on more important issues. If you cannot live with it, be honest about it and make the necessary changes.

*Additional Recommendation: Get a Bible with a good concordance and do a study on "anger" from the book of Proverbs. You will find a wealth of wisdom.