Release from childhood sexual abuse

[mattheky]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time here and my first time ever posting anything in any type of on line forum.  I may get a little long winded with this; but I've been holding all of this inside for so many years and have finally been healed enough to release it. PRAISE GOD!

I went to my church's women's retreat this past weekend and it was during this retreat that I told my story for the first time.  It's a lot more painful to talk about than I expected it to be but I pray it helps someone get through their nightmare as well.

Okay, here I go.  When I was a small child (about 7 years old) I was sexually abused by a female family member on a number of occasions.  I never told my mother because at the time I didn't really know what was going on.  She always said I was special to her and she wanted to spend special time only with me.  During this time my mother married and we moved out of state and away from this relative.  I thought my ordeal was over, but soon after we moved and for the next four years my stepfather molested and raped me at will.  I have a sister two years younger than me and he kept telling me that he'd do it to her if I didn't let him have sex with me when he wanted to.  I was also physically abused by this man because in his words, I was "too much like my #$%& mother".  My mother did catch him having sex with me once (I was about 11) and I was so relieved because I just knew she would put him out and this nightmare would end.  Instead, she blamed me.  After this, the rapes continued for about another year.  I know the only reason he stopped was because, for reasons I don't know, my mother finally left him.  We then moved to another state, and things were relatively quiet for a few years but at the age of 16 I was kidnapped, taken into some woods, beaten, raped repeatedly and finally thrown into a ditch to die.

Thank God, I have survived all of this.  I was not raised in the church nor did I begin  to attend church on a regular basis until I was in my late twenties.  I say this becasue I used to tell people that I am a strong black woman and that's how I get through things in my life. But after my retreat this weekend, I know that I am and always have been protected by God.  That's the only way I could have survived what I have.  I know I was released from my pain and shame because God wants me to help someone else get through their ordeal.  I still have a lot of pain to work through, but if me talking through my pain will help another person, then it is definitely worth it.  

Thank you, Aleathea for sending me to this forum.  I know this will not be my last time here.

God bless all of you reading this.

[Kecia Sims]

Dear Mattheky,

What a powerful testimony of victory!  You are the epitome of Revelation 12:11, "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony;"

I encourage you to continue to share your testimony because you will bless others and continue to find healing for yourself.   Prayer and daily study of God's word helps to keep survivors of abuse on the path of victory.

Philipians 1:12, "But I would ye should understand, brethren, that the things which happened unto me have fallen out rather unto the furtherance of the gospel;"

Continue to give God all of the glory for the things He's done in your life!

Many blessings and much peace,
Kecia

[Xanadu012]

Hello Mattheky,
God bless you for the victory you have received!  And for being brave enough to talk about it.  I was molested at the age of six by a neighbors teenage son and to this day no one is aware of it.  I don't know how or where to begin the healing process.  I don't think I could handle watching the WTAL movie.  It would be too difficult.  What brought you to this point?

[mattheky]

Xanadu012;

Thanks for your reply.  Like you, I'd never talked about the things that happeded to me.   I think the main reason was embarrassment, but I also didn't want to be blamed for any of it or looked at or treated any differently by my family and friends.  I figured that I'd lived through it and it was in the past so there was no point in reliving it.  Looking back (and not that far back either) I can see that I was still dealing with all of this in negative ways.  

My breakthrough came at my church's women's retreat.  I'd heard sermons before about letting go of baggage, forgiveness, and guilt but at the retreat God really ministered to me.  I was released like I never expected to be.  I did go to the retreat expecting to receive a blessing but God worked in me in ways I could never have fathomed!!!  I was cleansed and I knew it!!  For the first time in my life, I could speak about the things that happened to me; not for myself but because I knew someone else needed to hear my story and know that it's possible to survive.  It's still very painful to talk about but I've had so many women come to me and thank me for my testimony that I realize I can't hide it any more.   Prayerfully, you'll be able to talk about what happened to you.  If I can help in any way please let me know. Even if we just talk between the two of us, it'll help you (believe me, it feels so good to have released all of this).  I learned at the retreat that we are sealed by God and nothing can happen to us that can destroy us.  We may get knocked down but we can get back up.  Stay in touch and together we'll get past this and be a blessing to others.

[pressingon]

What a powerful testimony.  I too was molested by my stepfather during the ages of 8-11.  I told my mom about and she said that I just didn't want her to be happy and that I was making it up.  I finally asked my grandparents if I could move with them and they came and got me.  I was afraid to tell them, I knew they would believe me but I was afraid that they would kill the man and go to jail, and that my mother would hate me.

It wasn't until my grandfather passed away (I was 21)and my grandmother asked me about what led me to calling them that I told anyone in the family.  

Last year, I finally confronted my mother.  And she told me that I never told her that (she's still married to him BTW).  After a few weeks she apologized to me.  Other than that we haven't really spoken about it since.  
Imagine how I feel at family gatherings.  A have a younger sister who is struggling with homosexuality.  I wonder if he has done anything to her in the past.  I'm afraid to ask because if he has I will feel so guilty for not trying to tell anyone else.  I know I was a very young child myself and that's its not my fault since I told my mom.  I know it will come up again because I have a daughter who's 5 that I don't trust around him alone.  And she likes him and calls him grandpa.
  
I've found that when I've shared my story with people it releases them to share their stories as well.  Each time I share my testimony its a renewed healing for me.

Thanks for sharing yours.

[Xanadu012]

Mattheky,
Thank you so much for your kind and generous offer.  I promise to stay in touch and realize that God is no respector of persons.  If He did it for you...  Many blessings!

Xanadu012

[Misspetitt]

I am new to this group/forum.

I to havehad to deal with the childhood sexual abuse issues.. I am sad to say somedays, i feel like I am able to deal with it and others I am not.  I meet and knew GOD at a early age, But when I was in church at the age of 9 my father would tell me I was going to church to be hot and mess with boys. Which was not true. I think my sexual abuse started at the age of about 10 by a babysitter. Then again in my teens by several men, my family knew. Then at at the age of 13 or 14 it  started  with my own father.  I think the thing that hurts me so much now is my family turned away from me and said I was a lier.  I know I am still hurt by all this.  I feel at times like a lonely person, I feel like I don't really have any family at all..

Ladies pray for me, as I pray with you.

Torrie

[Small_Faith]

Wow, I feel called upon to say something about my abuse history at the hands of my godfather, then a son of my babysitter, then a older female cousin and then a female neighbor.  I was not a child that let it show emotionally.  I grew up watching other survivors of abuse talk about it on Oprah and crying and I use to think that they were mentally weak......(well, as a child I thought as a child).  AS I became a woman and entered college away from home and began to have adult intimate relationships (in spite of my church upbringing) I then realized how abuse could shatter my outlook on intimacy.  I experienced small flashbacks during intimacy to the point that I would become emotionally detached as if I was not even there.  Sex became an act that was not for my pleasure and I did not even know why I engaged in it.  At other times I found myself being flirtatious and then wishing I had not once things became to involved but being mentally stifled and unable  to say no.......... in spite of my outspoken happy go lucky type of personality that everyone used to identify me.  In short I went through multiple relationships in college some good and some not so good but the bottom line is when it was all over I could truly identify with the no more sheets sermon that Juanita Bynum put out on video.  It was like my life put to screen.  Eventually I hated sex and never wanted to marry because I thought sex would then become my responsibility.  Now, as a woman I have experienced pregnancy (my son is now 2 yrs old)  and to my surprise the hormone changes produced flashbacks almost on a daily basis and I became emotioanlly crippled during my pregnancy (I even feared taking a bath because I felt like my rapists hands were touching me all over again. I felt like my own pervert which meant I in turn had began to hate myself) and received counseling (This was weird for me because I am a therapist myself).  However I found that a regular MH therapist even one who claimed she specialized in PTSD was of no good support.  I went to my pastor and discussed some of my abuse with him and he referred me to a biblical counselor at my church.  I found that after about 3 months with her the flashbacks stopped.  I read the book by Donnie McClurkin "Eternal Victim, Eternal Victor", It was hard for me to read because you really have to get gut honest about what abuse does to your psyche and it wasn't pretty at all.  And yes, it is down right embarrassing.  But you have to admit what it does to yourself before it gets better.  I then was focused on forgiveness for several sessions and then instructed to write forgiveness letters to everyone I needed to forgive as well as myself.  I learned that forgiveness meant releasing myself spiritually (This was easier said then done and it is a continual process in spite of the fact that my godfather died my sophomore year of college).  This was more difficult than I ever thought possible because the letters had to be vivid and specifically state each thing that I was forgiving them for.  WEll, I wrote three letters, one to my godfather, one to myself and one to my unborn childs father who had become verbally abusive which of course resulted in mental and emotional abuse and by the time my son was 7 months old physically abusive in spite of our break up when I was 5 months pregnant.  The letter to my sons father was never ending and I kept adding on to it.  Thank God I persued an  restraining order and obtained it once the abuse became physical.  My strength in overcoming this PTSD related to my abuse resulted in me challenging my faith in the God I claimed I believed in from the time I was a child.  When ever the flashbacks came I would just keep repeating greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.  I would refuse to let a dead man from my past control my present or my future.  I decided that to allow that to happen would mean that I had no faith in God because God determines my future not some dead man, nor my female abusers nor my son's father.   I decided to take back my joy that the devil was trying to steal from me.  I decided to stand on the word that no weapon formed against me shall prosper and that I am more than a conqueror.  I knew that God did not give me the spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind!!  I claimed victory over my past and over the devil.  I had to rebuke Satan daily and I began to pray a spiritual warfare prayer daily breaking the strongholds the devil had on my mind and my body (the promiscuity).  I can only tell you that when I called on my Lord and Savior He showed up!!!!   But wait, I must say I also realized that I was never alone. He had not given me over to a reprobate mind.  Remember God is with you always even unto the ends of the earth.  I began to read the book of Psalms and the book of Proverbs for wisdom and to assist me with learning how to praise God in every circumstance in spite of my fears and all of my weaknesses and in that, God made me strong.  Correction, God showed me that he had given me the strength through His Holy Spirit from the time I was a child and that I just had to reach down deep and draw on the strength he had given me years ago.  Remember, your faith is made stronger when tested.  So I thank God openly for my abuse because we all have trials and tests that we must go though to wax stronger in our faith and it is truly to Gods glory.  Now in my counseling others which is my profession I know and have no doubt that I can use my testimony to prove to them that they can be healed.    God bless.  I pray that this testimony will be a blessing to all of you who read my story.

[wisdancage]

Sexual abuse is one form of child abuse. It includes a wide range of actions between a child and an adult or older child. Often these involve body contact, but not always. Exposing one's genitals to children or pressuring them for sex is sexual abuse. Using a child for pornography is also sexual abuse.

Most sexual abusers know the child they abuse. They may be family friends, neighbors or babysitters. About one-third of abusers are related to the child. Most abusers are men. If you think a child may have been abused, it's important to report it.