How can I tell if a guy is interested in me? Not?

[Novelist]

It is difficult to know the signs of whether or not someone likes you.  My question is, what are some of the ways that men show that they are interested in someone?  For a while, I never detected anything and I am wondering if he does not show his admiration in the open, is it possible that he could be holding it back?  Some men have the boldness to step up to the plate, but others are just as shy, so how can I tell?  Not that anyone likes me right now because I may be unaware, but I am sure the signs are there.  Also, give me the signs that he may not like me at all.

[Forum Administrator]

I'll let the men share from their perspective. But, let me say this: regardless of what they share about their personal experiences, that does not mean that what they have done will apply to you. Everyone is different, and there is no set formula for how a (mature) man shows his interest.

Let me share some advice from a woman's perspective: don't assume anything. Women (and of course there are exceptions) have an uncanny ability to read things into a situation. We not only read between the lines, we read the lines! This is especially true when it comes to matters of the heart. Many a woman has become a victim of her own emotions, and caused her own heartbreak because she assumed something to be true that was never clearly stated or indicated. For some women, all a man (that she is interested in or finds attractive) has to do is smile at her, and she immediately thinks he has an interest in her. Can't a brother just be friendly or polite without us speculating about this or that?

Usually, people who are looking for signs are either lost or unsure of where they are. Relax. A man will pursue who he wants if he wants her badly enough, and that goes for even the most timid or shy of men. Stop speculating about his interest; if you have to wonder about it, it's either not right, not ready, or not there.

[Jesaira]

I think this is a very good topic of discussion because many women (including myself) put too much credence in their interaction with men.  I must admit that I find it quite challenging to decipher whether or not a guy is interested or not.  I have found that many men are flirty and as a result, many women take that as an expressed interest.  In my opinion, men should use discretion when dealing with women, we are so quick to say that women should not assume BUT men should not MISLEAD.  Both men and women could use some help in this area.

I work in an office full of men and there is one gentlemen in particular that is extremely flirtous.  He is constantly hanging around my desk, calling me into his office.  Often times, he compliments me on what I wear, my hair and my overall appearance.  Now, what is that?  I don't think he likes but if I didn't understand how many men operate, I would certainly be deceived.

To all the men in the world, what is your response to this?

[Forum Administrator]

Jesaira welcome. A Christian--male or female--should not in any way mislead or deceive someone to believe there is a serious interest when there is not. But as you have indicated, the fact is, many women do often read more into their interaction with men and assume more to be true than really is. There's an expression that says, you cannot stop the birds from flying overhead, but you can stop them from building a nest in your head. To bring it closer to come: you cannot stop a man from being flirtatious, but you can stop him from being flirtatious with you (if his flirtation is inappropriate and/or undesired).

Discretion is all about making responsible decisions. Part of a big problem I see with women when it comes to relationships is that they are often reluctant to either get clarification or speak up about the things the men are doing that they find offensive. It seems easier (and more pleasant) for a lot of women to assume things are in their favor or going according to what they desire, even if in reality they are not.

You mentioned that we are quick to say that women should not assume, but the fact is, it is the women who are suffering the greater casualties when it comes to bad relationships. There are plenty of flirtatious and deceptive women out there too, even in the Church. But the fact remains that women are suffering in greater numbers, and we especially need to be even more diligent in guarding our hearts.

It is true that we teach others how to treat us. Of course, we do not have much control over how a stranger may interact with us, but those who we deal with either in a relationship or on a day to day basis will oftentimes respond to what we put out there or allow. For example, the man you described as flirtatious on your job is, in part, reacting to your response. I'm not suggesting that you invited his flirtatious behavior, but I am saying that he continues with his flirtatious behavior because you allow him to. If you find his behavior offensive, distracting, or in any way inappropriate, you should let him know it in a manner that is appropriate and direct. If he compliments you on your appearance, that may be all he's doing: complimenting you on your appearance. If he's constantly hanging around your desk and you are not sure why he's doing that, ask him why he's doing that. If he is calling you into his office and there is no business related reason for him to do that, let him know that you have work to do. In this day and age of sexual harassment policies, unless he's crazy and/or wants to be unemployed, he'll stop. But if you allow him to keep hanging around your desk or if you go into his office when he requests or you welcome his compliments without any conditions, then he may interpret that as an invitation to continue doing what he's doing. Most men will follow a woman's lead in the sense that they will respond to what the woman requires of them.

When it's your heart/feelings/emotions/integrity/peace of mind at stake, it is your responsibility to be proactive. Don't be passive when it comes to who you are and who and what you represent. If all the flirtatious people in the world never change, it should not have any impact on your behavior or who you are. If we set standards of acceptable behavior, get clarification when in doubt, speak up when offended, and seek and follow God's guidance in our relationships, we will not be deceived.

Recommended Reading:Deeper than the Down Low in the Catch of the Day section of the forum.

[Jesaira]

Thanks for the welcome, glad to be a part!   I appreciate your response.  

Let me say, I understand what you are saying.  However, it still appears as if the conclusion of the matter is based solely upon a woman's response to a man.  I do realize that women suffer more as it pertains to relationships.  I have experienced that pain up close and personal.  However, I am suggesting that men should be more responsible in handling women.  To me, it's very easy to say that women should be more guarded (and we should).  I've heard that all my life.  But we rarely hold men accountable for their actions.  I guess I may be playing devil's advocate but the response was a typical one.  I love men, I appreciate them, I respect and honor them.  I just would like to see men conduct themselves appropriately without having to demand it.  I don't believe male/female interaction should be that way.  I believe we all have an INDIVIDUAL responsibility especially as Believers, to treat one another with mutual respect and concern.  

  
Jesaira

[Forum Administrator]

Hi again, Jesaira. God forbid that you would play devil's advocate.   Your responses are welcome. If you re-read my post, you will see that my opening statement is equal to your closing statement. I have not reached the conclusion you are suggesting I've reached. I am saying that we should hold men accountable for their actions, and that begins with us (women)--at least as far as their (men) interaction with us--setting a standard and taking responsibility for how we will or will not be treated. Men should be more responsible for how they treat women (and in some cases vice versa). It would be wonderful if people (male and female) did not have to worry about being deceived or misled. Ideally, we would all be taught and adhere to a standard of integrity, respect and responsibility, but that is not always the case. What I am saying is until that is the case, you, as a woman, must demand it so as not to be treated inappropriately. If a man you encounter has not been taught to adhere to that standard, he should learn something from his encounter with you. Change always begins with "you."

[Novelist]

Welcome Jesaira,

I am Novelist and I am the one who started this discussion about men and women interacting in relationships, more closely, how men show interest toward women.  My point of view in this case is that men and women have responsibilities when encountering and relating to one another, yet some individuals may be extremist when it comes to flirting.  At times, I have experienced men saying things to me and I did not understand where he was coming from.  Seriously, it could have been a signal or a certain phrase that made me think differently about the way he would speak to me and this is when women or men could fall.  However, I understand your point of view because men should be responsible for their actions when it comes to women PERIOD.  

As many women that men would encounter, they will never know who is taking their flirting too personally and that is possible.  Yes, women should guard their hearts, then someone comes along with never-ending flirting, the looks, the compliments, the comments such as a hint of giving him a chance, it could be said and done in all types of ways and that is when good judgment and wisdom comes through.  Through all of this, deciphering whether or not he likes you can be difficult to detect and that is why men and women of course should be meticulous when dealing with individuals because it could cause hurt along the way if possible.