Why does this keep happening..?

[mai08]

I've been in a 2 year relationship that ended a weeks back.  In the beginning, when he told me he was interested in me, he had a live-in-girlfriend for 3yrs.  He said he was thinking of breaking it off even before meeting me - said they were living like roommates.  He broke it off with her and a few weeks after, he started seeing me.  It went on for a couple of months. Everything was perfect - it was intense - he even talked of children and even how they would look like.. Than one day, out of the blue, he told me that he's getting back with his (supposedly)ex-girlfriend. I was devastated... He said that he still wanted me to be a part of his life. Time went on, we were still in each others lives - via email and sometimes he would come see me. I told him what we're doing is not right, but he said that he doesn't want to loose me and that he still loved me. He kept saying he doesn't want to hurt me or her.

Earlier this year, he finally ended his relationship with his gf (again). The reason he gave: she wanted marriage, but he couldn't see her as the mother of his child, eventhough they were very compatiable. He said they're good friends (obvioulsy so, since she doesn't know about his involvement..) He said he wanted to be alone and figure things out. We continued to email and he would still come see me whenever HE wanted to. When I wanted to see him, he started making excuses. I would try to arrange fun things to do over the weekends, he would initially say he's up for it, than cancel at the last minute. We've never done anything in public after he broke it off the first time with me. When asked why, he said its too early (he's coming out of a break-up) and this would ruin his image (he's an assistant professor in medicine).

A month ago, he started becoming very distant. I asked him if there was someone else, he said there is someone who's interesed in him, but the only problem is that she's "young" - 28 (he's 42 and I'm in my mid 30's). He went on saying how she allowed him to open up about his break-up with his ex-gf and also about me (which surprised me), how she's a wonderful person and he can see himself with her. I couldn't beleive what I was hearing... The details he shared was unnecessary. He said that he's confused. He said he can see both of us in his life and that he still loves me and enumerated the reasons why.

A few weeks back, when I asked him to come by and talk instead of emailing all the time, he started to beat around the bush - said he didn't mind seeing me, but as "friends and nothing more".  Said he had no desire to hurt me.  I asked to be direct with me - I asked him (point blank) if he was seeing someone else. He said he has been seeing someone else and that he's "making it work"... "Making it work"..  And he signed off.  Its been 4 weeks since. 

It was a double slap in the face.. I was numb. And now the nubness has turned into saddness.. I was truly in love with this person. Why did he say he loved me? He has cheated before on his ex-wife. Which he didn't deny. He's a highly educated person that comes from a good family. How quickly he is able to find love again and he's having a good time.. Don't they have to face the consequences..? I know I am...

[sagesong]

Okay.  I'm going to be frank.  So, don't get mad at me.  However, it keeps happening will continue to happen because you allow it to.  Because you are willing to compromise your good sense, morals, and self worth to have what you believe to be the prize "a man."  Because you have wrongly characterized what make a man "good".   Because your definition of a relationship is so very loose. 

What about this man attract you, and kept you after he told you he had a live-in- girlfriend (whether he was thinking of breaking it off with her or not).  The fact that he was actively persuing another relationship while he was yet still involved with this woman should have told you something about his character and how much he values committment. 

The fact that he was willing to live with his woman without the benefit of marriage should have told you even more.   

Why would you want to be a part of this man's life after he told you he was getting back together with another woman?  Hoping against hope?  He conned you with the initial high intensity roman and you fell for it.  You were invested and didn't want to let go, so you suspended common sense so that it would make it easier for you to continue to hold on to a lie.

What about your "relationship" said love other than the words from this man's mouth?  How could you really be in love with a man you rarely saw? 

I suspect that instead of being in love with this man, you were in love with the idea, the notion of being in love.  However, you will never find the love you seek apart from God.  No man, no matter how "good"  can fulfill the longing inside of you.  Because it is simply not for man to fill. 

Lay before God, give to him all of your hurt, all of you longing, all of your desire, all of your pain, frustration, wants, fears, and love.  Empty all of it out before him.   Allow him to loe on you as he desires to do.   Once you have been emptied, he can fill you agains with new desies that are after his own heart. 

[David Dupree]

Hi Mai08 and welcome to deepwaters!  

First of all let me say that I am sorry that you are having to go through this.  Yet at th same time, you title this "why does this keep happening?" which implies to me that something like this has happened to you previously.  There is a popular catch phrase these days which suggests "if you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you have always gotten."  I would suggest to you that something needs to change so that you don't go through this scenario again.  

I can't discern from your note if you are a born-again believer.  If not, that is the first thing you can change..invite Christ into your life to be Savior and Lord.  

Next you can follow the Prov. 3:5-6 principle--acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path.  From the little that you have shared of your story, there are numerous red flags that suggest that you should have done what was best for you and put away that situation a long time ago.  (You don't mention whether he was a born-again believer...that may be your first red flag.)  Those red flags, those checks in your spirit, those little gnawing 6th sense or woman intuitive type things are put there so that you can follow them; even if you don't know an applicable scripture...and they will keep you from emotional hurts and harm.  

You don't mention it, but I get the feeling from your note that you (and he) had developed some type of emotional soul tie.  This leads me to believe you were engaging in sexual relations-outside of marriage.  Those soulish ties are hard to break because of the depth of meaning attached to the act.  But if you have Christ in your life, there is a Greater One in you than the one in the world.  You have to draw on the Greater and break the tie.  The Bible says to resist the devil and he will flee.  It says give no place to the devil.  It says shun the appearance of evil.  

Mai08. you should know that God really cares about you and your relationships.  Yet, He gives us free-will, freedom of choice.  You have to make relationship choices/decisions out of the totality of circumstances and not just your emotions.     You must involve the spirit, and the soul-your mind in the decision-making.  And you must learn to leave your body out of it.  :-)  

I hope that you will gain the strength to "wait"  on God.  I know it may sound a bit cliche', but it is a song, but it is true--"the safest place in the whole wide world is in the will of God."

In the meantime, just know that this, too shall pass. You will recover from it all.

dd

[David Dupree]

By the way, if you don't have it Mai08, I would strongly strongly suggest to you that you get my wife's book:  www.dathea.com/vision

It will bless your life and help you as you deal with your situation.

dd