lies

[aaaa]

i have been with my now fiance for several years.  we are getting married in a couple of months, but i have been feeling angry a lot.  this anger started a while ago (years) and comes and goes.  i have had a hard time placing it, but i think it is becuase he lies to me a lot.  he tells little white lies that make me feel foolish.  its like it is fun for him to fool me and see me walking away believing a complete non-truth.  sometimes i catch him, sometimes i don't.  he also tells some bigger lies which i won't go into now, and even though none of these lies are life altering, they make me feel belittled/insecure/not willing to trust or respect him.  i asked him why he does it and he said he doesn't know so we are going to premarital counseling.

is it possible he could being laying a foundation (subconsciously) for bigger lies later? i fear that later down the line he may get bored (which people so often do) and realize that he got away with the little lies earier in our relationship, so why not try a bigger one.  i feel that if someone can lie about the little stuff in such an easy and believable manner, what's gonna keep them from going bigger.  does counseling really help liers?

[Forum Administrator]

Welcome aaaa. I received some sound advice many years ago that I'm passing along to you, and I quote: "If he'll lie about little stuff, he'll lie about big stuff." Lying--especially habitual lying--is nothing to wink at. God takes it very seriously and so should you. It's a major issue. As you mentioned, trust cannot be built on a foundation of lies. What makes people lie? Sometimes fear; sometimes arrogance, sometimes selfishness. Sometimes all three. Check out my article When Husbands Lie. Hopefully in counseling your fiance will see just how repulsive God sees lying. Can he stop telling lies? Absolutely, but he will have to deal with both the heart issue and the mouth issue. If he allows and is willing and is truly repentant, God will work on the heart issue. The mouth speaks what the heart is filled with (Matthew 12:34). Even before/while the heart issue is being dealt with, he has full control over his mouth. He controls what comes out of it. Make sure that the counselor you choose takes you through scriptures that show you how God feels and responds to lies.

[MHECA]

I came across this site while looking for sites where others have or are dealing with a liar.  I read through so many posts and have tried just about every suggestion except formal counseling.  We have entertained the idea of counseling because we are 'suppose' to be engaged, and I say suppose because I do not have a ring and we have been back together for 2 years (the first time 3 years) knowing each other a total of 9.

I have forgiven him for the cheating during our first time together and believed his spiritual growth blessed him to change, but now the issue is blatant lies or discovering deception.  I realize now it was not just the women but he was a BIG liar then too because his motto was "what the eye don't see, the mouth won't tell".  He insist I am insecure and living in the past, but I don't focus on what maybe possible women issues, but obvious un-truths that sometimes involve women. 

Without trust what's left besides suspicions, questions and doubt, when you know you are being lied to repeatedly. He travels often with his job and all I have is his word but with the constant deception what is the foundation.  Sadly, I feel I do not know him when he is out of my sight.   I can only trust what I see and everything else is up in the air might be true, might be a lie from small lies to big lies but I know it is highly possible whatever is being said is probably a lie.

I needed to vent this while I decide how to move forward.  We made it complicated by moving in together, but he promised the marriage was soon to follow and to date not even a ring.  But my revelation today is a ring is not as big of a deal as knowing living life with a liar as a husband, unless there is some kind of divine intervention.

I know with God all things are possible, but the process in moving forward while he figures it out is my challenge.  He may get it and he may not and I don't like the idea of the emotional abuse that will come along with the 'in the meantime'.  His position is stay out of his business, let him live his life, give him his privacy.  According to him my questions show I am insecure and I have the issue of no trust ___ he lies so much that he believes them.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello MHECA. Welcome to Deep Waters. I think your intended has very clearly given you his position and possibly your direction:

His position is stay out of his business, let him live his life, give him his privacy.

This is not, I repeat NOT the way to start off a marriage or develop a relationship.