I think I married the wrong man

[sagesong]

I have been married for less than a year.  I married my best friend, so I thought.  We had been friends for about two years. We got married shortly after beginning to date. 

We also have a newborn daughter, conceived before we got married.  She is not the reason we married. 

Our marriage has been rocky from the start.  Since getting married we have both become less faithful in our walks.  Neither of us studies, prays, or attends church the way we used to.   My husband has anger issues and I have trust issues that threaten our marriage.  .

Recently he has begun a friendship with a woman.  She says they are just friends, but it doesn't seem like it to me.  They talk constantly and until all hours of the night.  At one point he told me he was no longer talking to her, but I know that isn't true.  He continues to call her and she him.

My husband has told me that I bore him.  He doesn't like talking to me, and if he could do it all over again, he would not marry me.

Recently, the police we called into our home because of a fight.  My husband has decided to leave -- to separate to work on himself. However, he is currently unemployed so he can't leave until he finds work.  In the meantime. we continue to leave as man and wife. 

I don't believe we are separating.  I think this is just the first step in our divorce.   Tonight, I am sleeping on the sofa.  I don't want to deceive myself into a really bad haeartbreak, when after what could be months of looking for work, we leaves as promised.

Is it possible that I married the wrong man?  If so, it is inevitable that it ends.

[David Dupree]

Hello sagesong,

     As I  read your post, I immediately went into prayer for your relationship.  But pardon me while I soapbox for a moment.

Why is it that folks want to toss their marriage in the toilet at the first signs of trouble?  We must realize that the enemy desires to destroy not just marriages, but the institution of marriage itself.   

Okay, I feel better already. :-) 
Tests and trials only come to make you strong.  Sometimes, you have to go through some things so that you will be able to help others. 
As I stated in another post, if you believe you married the wrong one, then you become the right one. 

One curious thing in your post was that you indicated that the police were called for a fight in your home.  You never indicated who was fighting. 


You haven't even been married a year yet.  How can you give up while you are still in the adjustment/gettingtoknowyou phase? 

Have you tried counseling?  Counseling is not just for premarital couples. My home church has postmarital counseling for couples married 5 yrs or less.   It is especially stressed for those in the first 6 months of marriage.   Something like that sounds like it would be of great benefit to your marriage. 

You also have to realize that there are things you have to overcome that happened prior to your marriage.  It is obvious that you had a sexual relationship.  Otherwise, there would not be the premarital conception.  So you have to war against forces already let into your relationship.  You also have to war against changes that occur as a result of having a baby in the equation.  Many women suffer from postpartum depression.  Many men suffer from what they have to put up with as a result of the postpartum depression. hahaha.  But on the real tip, many men have a difficult time accepting the shared role that occurs once a baby shares the time with his wife that he used to have.  So the dynamics are different.  One thing that you may have to do is to include him more with helping with the child.  For instance, since he is not working right now, is he caring for the child while you are at work?  That would save you some money right now also.  :-) 

You two have to carve out time to spend together.  Plan now to find someone to care for the baby for a weekend or at least overnight and you two get away even if it is to nowhere but a nice hotel where you can "talk" and recapture those things that drew you to one another in the first place. 

But you both have to remember.  Life happens.  Children happen.  Work happens.  Church/family/community obligations happen.  You have to be able to deal with them all and keep your marriage in tact. 

Next thing of course is that you both have to work on the "weights" that so easily beset you.  You said trust for you and anger for him.  No more, "that is just how I am" syndrome.  You both can change but it requires work.  Marriage is work.  So let's get to work. 

Another interesting dynamic is that you have to be supportive of your husband mentally, emotionally, spiritually while he deals with unemployment.  For many men, not being able to work is like not being able to breathe.  Depression sets in.  Feelings of worthlessness set in.  Uselessness sets in.  In these instances, you must effectively guard his ego. 

Of course you both have to keep God/church/prayer/study a priority. 

Finally, you both need to be patient.  Rome wasn't built in a day..and neither was the perfect marriage.  (especially since none are perfect).  But you work at it and take it one day at a time.

Sorry to have jumped around so much but trying to capture it as it was coming.   

The old folks used to sing a song "stay in the storm and it won't be long, you will anchor by and by" 

Hang on in there.  I will be praying for you and your marriage. 


dd

[sagesong]

Thanks for such a quick response.  First to clarify, the police were called because my husband and I were fighting.  I told you he has anger issues. 

Also my husband does not want to go to therapy.  He doesn't believe  it works.  This is his second marriage.  The first before he got saved.  However, they went to marriage counseling and still got divorced.  I would love to got to counseling. 

Now, I'm all for becoming the right person. I love my husband and want our marriage to work.  But, I'm not about to play the fool.  He has stated infactically that he is leaving.  His goal is for each of us to work on us individually.  He has no goal for our marriage. 

And, I can't overlook his new friend.  If he has move on, I will only end up heartbroken, if I don't accept that fact.

[Breathedonme]

Sister, I will keep your relationship and your daughter before the Lord.

I know WELL what you mean when you say you don't want to be the fool.  The point is that whether you realize it or not, whether you say it or not, because you love him and if things don't work out, there is going to be heartbreak (which it seems you understand).  You could never be a fool.

I am tossing between two items - being the fool - trusting God; being the fool - trusting God.

My purpose in writing to you is to focus more on you and prayerfully say some things that will ring true in your spirit to encourage you during this wilderness experience.  At NO time do I intend to offend.

My first suggestion, if I may, is that you resubmit yourself to God understanding that He knows the future and that He has plans for your life of good and not evil (Jeremiah 29:11-14(a)).  As you grow in your relationship with Him, by studying His Word, praying and growing into a high place of worshipping Him, He can provide instructions and directions that will help you in what you should do AND where you can hear Him CLEARLY.  Your high place of worship will assist you (through the Holy Spirit) in not responding when your husband starts "acting up." 

This in no way suggests that you are unsaved or backsliden -- it just suggests and encourages a time of refreshing and renewal (since you said you had pulled away from some things).  With you and your spouse moving away from devotional time, etc., corporately and individually, the door was left open for flesh and our enemy to get in and run rampant.

I agree totally with you -- this other woman is a problem, and THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!!

Now, your husband has to make his choices since he's known the Lord.  The point, dear sister, is that if he doesn't handle what it is that is stirring within him, it doesn't matter who he runs to - HE'LL STILL BE THERE (smile) and so will the trouble.

The trick of the enemy is to use words to lower your self-esteem - you're boring, yadda yadda yadda. 

As hard as it may seem, WORK ON YOU!!!  Continue to pray for your husband (because he is also your spiritual brother and this is only a setup from the enemy).  When you begin to see this thing through your spiritual eyes (with the help of the Lord), it will help you to deal with things differently (doesn't mean it will be easy).

My disclaimaer (LOL) -- Lastly, none of this is to say that with a strong prayer life, etc., you won't have problems in your marriage, but it might help take off some of the edge.

God bless you!

[Gracious]

sagesong ,

GIIIRRLL !!!  When "I" read your post, whelp lets just say.... unlike brutha' Dupree.... "I" started prayin' for MYSELF!!! 'Cause of what "I" REALLY wanted to say to you ... which went sumthin' like this:  (X'cuse me HOLYGHOST!!!)

Girlfreind, Yo' Huuusband  "...has stated infactically that he is leaving..."   But he ain't got no yyyob (job).

Ahhhh...Question Who's workin'...YOU

Then ... Kick his NO JOB HAVIN'  @%&$* out / to the kirb!!!

Nothing...and I do mean NO-THING sobers-up a grown man...DRUNK on himself, like the cool reality of COOOLLLD pavement under his "barefoots" ... in the middle of January!!! Amen!!! (now, read between all them lines!!!)

Next, I thank GOD for "WORD" brutha's like Dupree ... Amen!!! MEN who are wise in the HOLY SPIRIT & know the ways of world...sooooooo that they can impart wisdom that sticks...wisdom that settles well within a woman's spirit.

Okay...now... alittle calmer... Sista' after reading your post ... such ANGER & sadness ... for you & your situation welled-up in me ...  

I HAAAD to go to the WORD...

Psalm 138  (Amplified Bible)
[A Psalm] of David.

7Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me.(B)

   8The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever--forsake not the works of Your own hands.(C)

[/color]

***********************

Keeping this in mind, my precious sista'...Trust  that which is ever present -  living within you... (HIS SPIRIT)

Earlier I spoke of my flesh, and tho' it was honest...it was still flesh...Amen?

Later on I spoke to you from my heart & my spirit (re: Bro. Dupree & Psa 138).

Now, I share...

Nothing, and I mean NO-THING is richer than the wealth found on bended knee...

People...yeah, we'll tell you a lot (and this is said, not to diminish anything that was said by  my brother, or that which will be said - by any other) ... but what good are words without POWER ... and this POWER can only come thru HIM who  IS-IS-IS able to keep you from falling!!!

Go down on your knees, seek GODS face (FOR YOURSELF) ... THEN ... read this entire thread again.

THEN... ACT!!!

I love you ...with my whole heart!!!  

Gracious

P.S.

Sista' Breathe,  I TRULY TRULY hope that my sista' has heard your wisdom...[/color] 

[sagesong]

Gracious,

That was just the laugh I needed.  Don't think for a moment that I haven't thought that very thing.  I had planned to withdrawl all the money from our joint account, pay just the mortgage and condo fees, go stay with my sister and watch everything else get cut off.  Which is probably why your advice was so funny.  Not to mention your delivery.

However, the Holy Spirit had other plans.  Nothing brings you back to God like have the bottom fall out of everything.  So, I have begun talking and listening to God again.  Follow his word is hard.

A few days ago, He said clearly and plainly.  Go home, say nothing, do react.  I thought I can do that no problem.  Now, I didn't know why I wasn't suppose to say nothing or what I wasn't suppose to react to.  Still, I thought I could do what God said.

However, as soon as the argument started, I forgot what God as said and what I had promised.  I said and reacted.  It doesn't help things that my sister calls everyday telling me to put him out.   

[Breathedonme]

You go gyrl!  Listen, that was a start -- you heard from God and your initial response was to be obedient to His instruction.  You keep trying until you get it right.  Remember, it is about you and the Father. 

Now you have to make a plan -- what can you do to not respond?  See, your husband KNOWS that if he starts something what you are going to do.  Now it is for you to provide the element of SURPRISE.  It takes 2 to argue (although some people can go on and on and on by themselves).

I recall once that my husband (now ex) was starting -- I just looked at him calmly and said, I will not argue with you today -- when you are ready to discuss this so we can resolve this in a calm manner, then let me know.  MAN, HE WAS SHOCKED!  Mouth shut.  He was so used to me going toe-to-toe with him.  Now this might not work in your situation, but I threw it in just in case (smile).

I still hold to my position, the minute the stuff starts OR before it even starts start filling yourself with prayer.  Clearly, you are in a place where you can hear from God.

As for your sister -- she's your sister, but you have to know when to cut negativity off, when it is negative.  If your desire is to be with your husband and honor your covenant that was made TO GOD FIRST, then your husband -- continue to listen to Biblical counseling and what the Spirit of God speaks to you.

This is a start.  God never said that when things got rough to leave -- that is man's way; however, God never said for you to be beat on either -- so prayerfully it won't get to this.

God is working it ALLLLLL out!  Hold on to that and say it to yourself -- God is working it all out!

[Forum Administrator]

Hello sagesong and All. Whew! You got an earful of good encouragement. The other night I helped my 4 year old complete his first jigsaw puzzle. It was a picture of a lamb with some flowers on either side. Since it was his first time doing a jigsaw puzzle, I had to spend time telling/showing him how the pieces are supposed to fit together and how you have to match the colors so that you can see the picture that the puzzle represents.

Your marriage reminds me of this puzzle. You and your husband are the flowers on either side, and Christ is the lamb in the middle. Your marriage is a picture of His relationship with each of you individually. One of the things my son had to learn was how to turn the piece until it was lined up correctly so it could fit properly. Sometimes, he thought he had the wrong piece but it was only because the piece he had was not aligned properly with the piece he was trying to connect it to. A couple times he put back the right piece thinking it was the wrong one. Wouldn't it be a shame if you or your husband threw the other "jigsaw piece" back into the pile thinking it was the wrong one when all that was needed was some turning?

You have no control over your husband's piece of the puzzle, but you can make sure that you are aligned with Christ and connect with Him the way you should. Make sure your piece is properly connected. The picture will not be incomplete as long as Christ is in it and He's not going anywhere.

Another thing my son had to learn was not to force a piece. Once the right piece is lined up properly it will fit because it was designed to fit. If your husband does not want to go to counseling, don't force it. You go. Perhaps when he sees how nice your side of the "picture" looks once you are connected, he will want to be a part of the bigger picture and do what he needs to do in order to re-connect. It is important for you to work on your stuff, not for your husband's sake, but for your own and for the sake of your little girl who even now is learning how to put her own jigsaw puzzle together.

Keep the bigger picture in mind. It's about you and Christ. Never lose sight of that. We'll be praying.

[Breathedonme]

AWESOME analogy, presentation and advice.  This can be used in many situations.

Thank you!

[sagesong]

I want to thank each of you for your advice.  I can't remember who suggested that I go to couseling even if my husband doesn't want to go, but I'm doing just that.  At first I thought, now that's just stupid.  How am I going to go to counseling for my marriage by myself.  However, I have learned to carefully consider the things that I reject initially out of hand.  So, I am going to start going to communications lab. 

And I have re-dedicated myself to bible study.  I started in Song of Songs.  I am meditating on Songs 2:15.  I saw a lot in it for both my walk and my marriage. 

I was also led to Proverbs 31:26.   HELP ME HOLY GHOST.   My tongue is many things, but the law of kindness?!  Whew.  I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

[sagesong]

Here the update.  My husband got a job and is planning to move out in a month.  I spoke with his very good female friend.  It turns out he told her that we were separated and that I lived at home with my mother. 

Now why would a man tell a woman that he is separated unless he is interested in pursuing a relationship with her?

[striving4heaven]

Hello Sagesong,
I know my reply is way late but that is because I just joined this site. I can relate to your situation in that sometimes I wonder if I married the wrong guy. There is so much about him that I do not know and things right now are very shaky. We've only been married for 14 months now. My problem with him is that I'm coming across things that he shouldn't be doing as a married man. His actions have really put a damper on my trust for him and being able to believe him. Although reading through all the threads that have been posted to your issue, it really, really has helped me and encouraged me in what I need to do. It's just so hard to do that knowing he is still up to those things he shouldn't be. Nevertheless, I must do for me, what needs to be done. On that note, I ask you to pray for me and I'll do the same for you.

By the way, I hope all has worked out for your good. God bless you.

[christianthought]

I just started coming back to this site; it has been an enormous help in the past.  I was also quite eloquent. 

In all seriousness, and it may need to be a new topic, I am wondering if I married the wrong person too.  It has been about 15 months, and it's been rocky the entire time.  I thought it was just me, but one of my friends, who has been married for about 2 years, is having the same complaints as me. 

I know God doesn't make any mistakes, and I believe He laid it out for me (whether I should proceed with marrying my wife).  I must be doing something wrong, because this can't be it.

My wife hasn't done anything (that I know of), but she was texting one of her former boyfriends in the past (more than 2 months ago).  It wasn't R-rated or anything, but I told her, when I confronted her about it (found them in her phone) that it was very wrong, and that she was giving her heart to somebody else.  No way our relationship can grow or get better with that going on.  She initially disagreed; her aunt, who she told the next day, apparently was able to convince her that she was (which is another issue altogether).  I just don't get it.

Yeah, I think I'm going to post this as a new topic, because it got long very quickly.