I Am No Longer Head of My Household

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

...and I'm having issues.

Yeah, I said it. I have been the HEAD OF MYHOUSE for 16+ years. I left home early. The few times I did go back home for a short period...they were on my terms.

Now that I'm married...AND SAVED. I am in a place where I have to allow this other person to be head of my house. I thought that I would welcome this moment...but now that I see he's not doing it the way that I did it...or would like him to do it...I'm having issues. His bill paying priorities are not the same as mine. His want/need priorities are not the same as mine.

I have been praying...and I am trying VERY HARD not to demasculate him, and have even instituted the suggestive encouragement.

I am aware that this isn't going to happen overnight...

[Forum Administrator]

Hi IAmBecauseHeIs. I understand your struggle because I've been there. Just before I was married, one of the people to whom I was accountable, a respected man and mentor, gave me some advice. He said to me, "There might be things you know you can do, but let him (i.e. my new husband) do it." I took his advice to heart and I spent the first 2 years of my marriage trying to live it out.

I had been an independent woman for a long time before I was married and I was used to doing things for myself. So, in trying to carry out this advice, I entered into a personal struggle, similar to what you're experiencing now. I spent a lot of time absolutely frustrated until I realized that while this advice was good, it needed to be taken in its proper context and it needed to be balanced. I went to the extreme trying to carry out this advice and ended up frustrated because my resources and giftedness as a person were not being utilized correctly, or in some cases, at all. There has to be a balance between our submissiveness and the proper and appropriate utilization of our strengths.

There is a tendency to focus so much on the "wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands..." (Ephesians 5:22) that we neglect the verse that comes before that which says, "submit yourselves to one another..." (Ephesians 5:21). That means that there should be a mutual recognition and utilization of authority, responsibility, and resources. There will be some things that your husband may be able to do better/more effectively/more efficiently than you... let him. There will be some things that you will be able to do better/more effectively/more efficiently than him. While he may be your head in the sense that he is to be your covering, you are also his covering because you are his glory (see Proverbs 12:4 and my article Crown Him in the Deep Waters newsletter archives. As a wife, you also have authority in the household (see an example in Proverbs 31). You are co-laborers, joint heirs, team mates and you are to manage your household together in joint cooperation.

What does this require? In large part, it requires an understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses, needs and desires. That means you'll both need to communicate with one another. You need to be able to talk to your husband about how you feel--not how he's making you feel, but how you feel as a result of and in light of the things that are now happening or not happening as the case may be and vice versa. This is not about blaming or accusing each other: it's about understanding one another.

The best leaders recognize that they cannot do it all on their own so they utilize the best resources of those who they are leading. You are your husband's help mate. Let him know and help him to understand how you can be of help to him. At the same time, recognize that your way of doing things is not the only way. Talk together about what might be the best way to do things that works for both of you and for the best management of your household. Your marriage is your marriage (i.e. you and your husband's) so you have to figure out together what works in your house.

Here's a simple example from my own experience. When my husband and I had our first child, I became accustomed to caring for the baby in my own way. For example, I bathed him a certain way, and held him a certain way. My husband had his own way of bathing him and holding him. Did I always like my husband's methods? No!  But I came to realize that the bottom line was that our son was being bathed, and being held by a loving parent. So I learned not to be so focused on my way of doing things that I criticized  my husband's efforts and spent all of my energy trying to get him to do it the way I did it. I came to realize that I could always appreciate his efforts even if I did not always particularly care for his methods. 

Keep your focus on what's most important and don't allow pride to stand in the way of you and your husband working together as a team. 

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!