Am I that naive - unrealistic?

[morefaith]

Greetings,

Fisrt off I LOVE Mrs. Dupree's book. It's by my night stand for constant reasurance. GOD Bless you and thank you.

I'm just 41, live in the the southeast and joined my church 2 years ago and got more dedicated (Bible Study Sunday school, etc) soon after. I guess you can say I am the strong Black woman - I takes care of mine! I pay my bills on time and am active in church and go to school at night. I stay to myself mostly but do enjoy jazz, history (mostly Black). I am beginning to wonder about love/marriage. I'd like some opinions on what I think, how I think.

To me a relationship should be man and woman who first fear and love the Lord. We should pray together, praise GOD together, worship together and study the word together. If he loves GOD, everything else will fall into place.

I understand that men and women are different, but it just seems to me that the men I am meeting/that are attracted to me are not for me. I believe a relationship needs nurturing. You can't say oh, we are together and expect that to do. It takes work - shouldn't be drugery - but nurture, nourishment.

I feel you should spend some quality time together at least once a week. Things happen, but the communication and desire should be there. I believe if a person wants to do something, they will do it. I don't know if it's because of the region/state I live in (SC) but the men I meet/ hear about are all so self absorbed. They don't date, they ask if they can "see you" and want to come to your house, eat your food, watch your cable. Women are definately the givers, men the takers. I hear this from females that I talk to - so it is not just my experience. Am I suppose to believe that all men cheat, that's just the way it is? Even family members (who have hideous relationships) think I'm a pitiful manless creature.

I want to develop a friendship first, see where we are going before sex comes in. Well down here, it's sex first.
It's SO not about the sex, I just want to know that the man is GODLY, respectful and of good character!! You'd think something was wrong with me thinking this way according to some people.

I feel if you start to date a person, you should be totally up front and honest with each other. If you want out, change your mind whatever, do it. Why the lies, games and deceit? I just don't understand. I can proudly say I have never used anyone - though I have been used.

Love should be mutual respect. If I tell you I am actively seeking the LORD and can only be with one who is going in the same direction, why lie? If you play with the devil - go on, have fun, LEAVE ME ALONE!

I have to admit, I don't even feel there is a man for me anymore. Folks try to make me feel as if I am asking too much and I just don't see it that way. I know your life changes and your "friends" disappear when you choose the right path, it's a stuggle. I have everything a woman could want except a Godly relationship with a man - never had n frankly. I always settled for my unhappiness thinking it's MY BAD wanting what I want, feeling the way I do. Thanks GOD I am comfortable being in my own skin and not desperate for people to be around me.

It's not that I don't know the power of GOD (forgive me for not quoting actual scripture), indeed all things are possible - Holy Belief. It's just that I think well, maybe GOD feels marriage and children are not for me! Isn't THAT possible too? I'm really tired of the deceit and getting into "relationships" only for the facade to fall away after about a year or so. I choose to just be alone. It isn't easy, but it sure is better than being with someone just to be with someone.

I'm NOT perfection, therefore I don't expect that in another human, but I expect GOD pursuing, companionship, respect, friendship, trust and love. I'm NOT asking for anyone to pay my bills. I work hard everyday (praise the LORD) for what I have and I am greatful!!!

Please Y'all, am I really unrealistic about what I desire? Am I suppose to just tell myself "you know how men are" and just suffer?

Thank you and GOD Bless!

[Forum Administrator]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm thrilled that you have been blessed, and pray that you will continue to be blessed, through the reading of my book.

You've raised some interesting questions and points. I don't want to try to address everything in one response (because I'll probably run out of space). I'll nibble at it and try to respond in bite-sized chunks. Here's the first bite...

To me a relationship should be man and woman who first fear and love the Lord. We should pray together, praise GOD together, worship together and study the word together. If he loves GOD, everything else will fall into place.

The fear and love of the Lord is the best and should be the primary requirement for a godly relationship. A person who fears the Lord has a profound and awesome respect for Him. It is a respect that is a result of the knowledge of who He is and what He has done and will do. A person who loves the Lord lives a life of obedience, not motivated by fear, but motivated by an understanding of the love God has for us.

This kind of awesome respect and love carries over into our earthly relationships, particularly the marriage relationship between a husband and wife, which is designed to mirror the relationship between Christ and the Church.

The sustaining love and commitment that is required of a successful godly relationship/marriage starts first with each individual's love and commitment to God. It is said that if you want to see how a man will treat his wife, look at how he treats his mother. That is a good rule. However, a better rule that pertains to both individuals is this: if you want to see how a person will treat his/her marriage/relationship, look at how that person treats his/her Heavenly Father and the things concerning Him.

The pre-marital relationship between a man and a woman lays the foundation for the marriage relationship. In order for everything to fall into place, both the man and the woman must have an awesome respect and love God. As was said before, love for God is expressed in obedience to Him. If this kind of awesome respect and love for God is not there, you will be building your relationship (and potential marriage) on a shaky foundation.

[Forum Administrator]

To me a relationship should be man and woman who first fear and love the Lord. We should pray together, praise GOD together, worship together and study the word together. If he loves GOD, everything else will fall into place.

I understand that men and women are different, but it just seems to me that the men I am meeting/that are attracted to me are not for me. I believe a relationship needs nurturing. You can't say oh, we are together and expect that to do. It takes work - shouldn't be drugery - but nurture, nourishment.

We don't have complete control over the kinds of people we attract. But, who we are, and how we carry and present ourselves does affect the kinds of people we attract (or don't attract). I heard someone once suggest that we should be the type of person that we would like to attract. A more important concern is not so much who you attract, but what kind of person you are attracted to. This will tell you a lot about who you are and how you think. Addressing this concern requires honest self-examination and evaluation of past relationships to see why the choices that were made were made. (Please see my response to the post Residue from my past in this same category). Remember, you can only change you, so that's where the focus needs to be.

A relationship absolutely needs nurturing. That is one of the reasons I indicated (above) that it is important that both people be committed to God first and foremost. If a man has that awesome respect and love (i.e. obedience) for God, he will treat you with respect and love also (and vice versa). It is that same commitment to God that will enable him (and you) to carry out the mandates of a godly man/husband and woman/wife, and to nurture the relationship in the right way.

A relationship is like a garden that both the man and woman involved plant together. Each person brings seeds to the relationship: seeds from the past (where they've been and what they've experienced); seeds from the present (who they are now); and seeds of the future (where they are going). Time will reveal what kinds of seeds they are by what grows in the relationship. Even a good garden may require times when you have to dig up and weed out some deep-rooted issues that threaten the life and beauty of your relationship. You will need to fertilize the soil of your relationship by dealing with the unpleasant things that threaten to choke the life out of the good things that are trying to grow. Just as every garden needs light, water, and air, every relationship needs truth, transparency and the ability to breathe in order to grow, and growth is a process.

Some of the most beautiful relationships are the ones that involve people who are willing to roll up their sleeves, dig in, and do the work necessary in order to make something beautiful grow. Sometimes it will be drudgery... plain and simple. Sometimes, it will be sheer delight. But, if you want to smell the flowers, you should also be willing to sniff the manure.  

[Forum Administrator]

I feel you should spend some quality time together at least once a week. Things happen, but the communication and desire should be there. I believe if a person wants to do something, they will do it. I don't know if it's because of the region/state I live in (SC) but the men I meet/ hear about are all so self absorbed. They don't date, they ask if they can "see you" and want to come to your house, eat your food, watch your cable. Women are definately the givers, men the takers. I hear this from females that I talk to - so it is not just my experience. Am I suppose to believe that all men cheat, that's just the way it is? Even family members (who have hideous relationships) think I'm a pitiful manless creature.

Quality time is important in any relationship, but quality is a relative term, and you need to be clear and realistic about what that term means. Quality can mean any degree of excellence or worth. So, let's start with a working definition of what is meant by "quality time." For the purposes of what we're talking about, let's say: quality time is time that is spent making the relationship better, more definitive, and purposeful. Communication is absolutely essential. You both need to communicate what you can or cannot do--apart and together--that will help your relationship be better, more definitive and purposeful.

Being in the physical presence of the person with whom you are involved is also important, but you can be apart from each other and still be investing quality time in the relationship. Bettering yourself is investing quality time. Taking time out for yourself is also quality time (and it's healthy). What you do with the time you have--in each other's physical presence or not--is more important than how much time you spend together. You could spend hours together every day, but if that time is spent engaged in unfruitful activity, it will not be helpful to you or the relationship. The frequency or duration of time that you spend together needs to be flexible and realistic. But, if you're involved with someone who doesn't seem to want to make the kind of investment of time that will make your relationship better, more definitive and more purposeful, then you have the right to invest your time elsewhere.  

The right order is that men should be the givers and women the receivers. Our very anatomies confirm that. Women will take what is given and multiply it, so, be careful what you receive. If a man is giving you disrespect and is trying to take advantage of you or take you for granted, don't receive it! You have the power to determine what you will or will not allow, as does he. I said in the article "The Lie About Unfaithful Men" (in the Catch of the Day section of the forum) that a wise man once told me that a man will often be as much of a gentleman as you require him to be. You have the power to determine what you will or will not allow. Don't be afraid to let it be known.

You should not believe that all men cheat. That's simply not true. (Again, check out "The Lie About Unfaithful Men"). A friend of mine once told me, trust until you have reason not to. I would add to that by saying, trust until you have reason not to, and then if you have reason not to trust, deal with that reason. Approach each relationship prayerfully: ask God to guide you and allow you to see the true character of the person. In my book, I refer to it as the prayer test, and I would recommend putting it into action as soon as you meet someone of interest. If you're in a relationship and find that trust is an issue, confront it and deal with it, whether the issue of distrust be caused by the other person's actions, or if it is a result of your own past experiences which may be distorting your perception.

[Forum Administrator]

I want to develop a friendship first, see where we are going before sex comes in. Well down here, it's sex first.
It's SO not about the sex, I just want to know that the man is GODLY, respectful and of good character!! You'd think something was wrong with me thinking this way according to some people.

You can't lose with true friendship. Many great marriages started with great friendships, and a lot of married people refer to their spouse as their best friend. Unless you're married, sex and friendship don't mix. Sex, creates a bond and a degree of emotional intimacy--especially for the woman--that should be reserved for marriage. Many times when a man and woman are friends and they become intimate, the friendship is ruined, or never the same. (Check out Vikki Johnson's response to the post sucessful relationship in the Undercurrents [Women's Issues] section of the forum.)

Friendship allows you to set safe boundaries because there are certain things you know you just don't do with a friend. Focusing on establishing a friendship allows you to concentrate on getting to know the person--who they are, how they think, their likes and dislikes, etc.--and getting to be known. True friendship, takes the focus off the body, and puts it on the mind, soul and spirit of the persons involved.
Men and women progress through the stages of intimacy at different rates. (Please review the article Stages of Physical Intimacy in the Catch of the Day section.)  Women generally get emotionally involved faster than the man does, and usually before sexual intimacy takes place. The man on the other hand, does not necessarily need an emotional attachment in order to get physically/sexually involved. That's one of the reasons why it is often easier for a man to leave a relationship even after he has been intimate with a woman; he usually has not made the same emotional investment. These days, women are getting more and more involved in "casual" sex and putting "notches on their belts," but there's really nothing casual about it. At the end of the day, the woman will feel the loss because deep down, she really only wants to have and be satisfied by one man, preferably her husband, and she wants him to only want and be satisfied by her.

If a friendship does progress into something more, that could be a wonderful thing, but both the man and the woman have to protect one another. One sure sign of a godly, respectful man of good character is that he will not do (or say) anything to entice you to compromise your sexual integrity. The man would do well to consider this part of his preparation in becoming a Christ-like husband, and make every effort to present his "bride" spotless and blameless before God. A godly woman will guard the man's integrity in the same way. Both the man and the woman should guard the purity of each other and themselves.

Sexual intimacy is a powerful thing. It is part of what God uses to join a man and woman together as man and wife and cause them to be one. This type of union should be a confirmation of what God has already joined together in marriage. If there is a binding together, there will surely be a tearing apart if either of you decides you'd rather be with someone else. When sexual intimacy enters a relationship, it is no longer just a friendship, it is in a sense a marriage. Friends who are not married and have sex end up with the physical and emotional ties that should be reserved for marriage without any of the rights and responsibilities that come with marriage. That's a no-win situation. Strive for and preserve friendship, and save the binding of sexual intimacy for marriage.

[Forum Administrator]

I feel if you start to date a person, you should be totally up front and honest with each other. If you want out, change your mind whatever, do it. Why the lies, games and deceit? I just don't understand. I can proudly say I have never used anyone - though I have been used.

Absolutely!  Dishonesty is a major red flag when it comes to relationships. As someone put it, if he[/she] will lie about little things, he[/she] will lie about big things. Honesty should be a requirement of yourself and the other person. Without it, building trust will be blind, fruitless and foolish. Make a commitment to be honest in your dealings, and don't hesitate to let it be known that honesty is of utmost importance to you. Honesty is more than just words; it's deeds/actions also.

Women, in particular, need to focus more on developing friendships rather than relationships. The focus should be on getting to  know the character of a person. Use time to your advantage, because in due time, character will show up (even if everything sounds really good. When the focus is on (a romantic/dating) relationship first, women naturally tend to make a much greater emotional investment, and that much sooner. See my above response to the portion of your post regarding I want to develop a friendship first. Developing a friendship first would be a wise thing to do. The type of emotional investment that is made in a friendship is generally not the same as the type of emotional investment that is made in a dating relationship because the focus is not on developing a romantic relationship, but on getting to know the person.

Kudos to you for not using anyone.   Keep your boundary lines in place, and your priorities in order. Your emotions/heart and your ability to make great emotional investments are precious gifts from God. Take good care of them. Don't put them in the hands of someone you haven't taken the time to get to know (and who hasn't taken the time to get to know you), especially if he has not proven to be an honest or trustworthy person.  This will greatly reduce the likelihood of being used in future.

[Forum Administrator]

I have to admit, I don't even feel there is a man for me anymore. Folks try to make me feel as if I am asking too much and I just don't see it that way. I know your life changes and your "friends" disappear when you choose the right path, it's a stuggle. I have everything a woman could want except a Godly relationship with a man - never had n frankly. I always settled for my unhappiness thinking it's MY BAD wanting what I want, feeling the way I do. Thanks GOD I am comfortable being in my own skin and not desperate for people to be around me.

It's not that I don't know the power of GOD (forgive me for not quoting actual scripture), indeed all things are possible - Holy Belief. It's just that I think well, maybe GOD feels marriage and children are not for me! Isn't THAT possible too? I'm really tired of the deceit and getting into "relationships" only for the facade to fall away after about a year or so. I choose to just be alone. It isn't easy, but it sure is better than being with someone just to be with someone.

One of the things I had to learn (and I'm still learning) to do is to divorce myself from other people's opinions. I would encourage you to do the same. Based on all that you have said, I do not see any indication of you asking too much.  God does not want you to be unhappy. He wants you to enjoy a full, abundant life. We cannot always tell what God has in store for us. But, one thing you can be assured of, is that whatever He has in store for you is something wonderful.

God knows the heart of every individual. If a person is deceitful, God can reveal it to you. One of the things I talk about in my book is the prayer test. Basically, it was a prayer I used to pray whenever I met a man that was interested in me. I would ask God right from the start to show me the character of the person and to let me know if the person had any potential for relationship with me. I would ask God to not allow any emotional ties to develop if there was no potential for a relationship. Without fail, it worked. There were no long involvements, I wasn't getting emotionally drained, and friendships (if any had a chance to develop) remained intact. Try it.

God promised to make your path straight if you take the time to ask Him for His direction and guidance... especially when it comes to the area of relationships. It is possible to avoid the twists and turns of deceitful relationships, but you need God's guidance to see what the natural eye cannot see. We do not know what plans God has for you, or whether or not they include marriage and children. But, if that is what you truly desire, let your request be made known to God. Stop telling folks what you want and start telling God what you want.

One thing I would encourage you to do (if you're not already) is to start asking God to place His desires in your heart. Trust that God can and will fill your life in such a way that you are completely fulfilled. It's not a husband or children that cause us to be fulfilled; it's God. You are complete in Him. If He blesses you with these things, that would be wonderful, but be mindful that those things also come with great responsibility and purpose also.

Be open to the plans of God for your life. Be moldable in His hands and allow Him to shape you and your desires in such a way that He can give you everything you want. Keep a "nevertheless, not what I want, but what You want" attitude. Continue to be thankful for everything that you have, and don't settle. Look forward to the future knowing that everything that God has for you is, as they say, all good!

P.S. Don't worry about quoting scripture. But I do have one for you.
You [God] open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. Psalm 145:16