When to say I love you?!?!?

[purity]

Sometimes we can be caught up and become very naive thinking we're in love because the hook up is fresh   . Not wanting to be in that boat I am learning to take things slowly and not move as fast as my heart wants to move.  

My biggest fear about love is falling in love and then not being in love any more because of a break up or something to that effect   . This feeling makes me want to avoid the whole thought of love although it's not very easy to avoid.   :-/

I was thinking and have had this conversation with a girlfriend of mine and my God-Mother. (I wanted to see what the young wisdom and older wisdom had to say about it) LOL!

Knowing there isn't a time limit on "LOVE", I would like to know should there be a time limit or how soon tell your significant other you love them?  

I'm not ready to say this but that question was just one of the many I have.

~ Loving Deep Waters,
Purity

[David Dupree]

Hi Purity,

I know this is the women's board, but let me take a crack at seeing if I can provide a bit of insight on your question.  


Let me just dive right in and give my personal opinion.  I believe that a woman should not tell a man that she has a romantic relationship with that she is in love with him unless she has explicitly heard that man FIRST tell her that he is in love with her.

Sorry that I don't have a direct scripture to support that. Yet, I believe that statement is bears support throughout the context of the Bible.  Since in the marital relationship, the man is supposed to be the priest of the home, then that form of leadership should show evidence prior to the marriage.  If a relationship is going to have a chance at all then it should at least begin with the proper footing. That footing is to have the man in his proper position from the beginning of the relationship.  

Elisabeth Elliot in her book Passion and Purity explains in detail how she remained coy to some degree until the guy who was obviously smitten with her expressed his devotion prior to her verbally expressing any interest in him. The book goes on to stress the importance of putting God at the very center of the budding relationship such that His desires for your life are clearly manifest.  You must not only keep God first but you must also keep His will, meaning His Word first.  It is what Ms. Elliot calls Holy harmony.

One supportive scripture says to guard your heart with diligence, because out of it flows the issues of life. Prov 4:23.    
Guarding your heart as a woman will protect you.  Permit this generalization: women get hurt in relationships easier than men and more than men.  
Consider this: not guarding your heart may lend itself to an unwanted result.  Opening your heart prior to its time is similar to what Dr. Townsend in his book, Hiding From Love, refers to as becoming naked.  He relates this process to the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden where due to the disobedience of eating the forbidden fruit caused them to realize their own nakedness and hide from God-from Love.  However, the genesis of that issue was that Eve opened her heart to what the serpent was saying and the serpent was not her covering or her intended covering.  Therefore you too must beware even of what I am saying and especially of what your girlfriend and godmother are saying.  (remember Job's friends)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts; and see if there be any wicked (hurtful) way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.  Psalm 139: 23-24.  
You can't search your friend's heart, but you can search your own and at least make sure that there isn't any residue from your previous relationships or from your past that will hurt the other person....even if you don't stay together.  

Okay, I am getting sleepy so I better finish this.  As an end all answer to your question issue, let me summarize by saying that the soonest a woman should tell a man that she love's him is sometime after the man tells her he loves her and never before!  

[bishopbiscuits]

When to say I love you. That's an interesting question.

......I guess the best way to determine that would be by taking a look at what time and experience have shown you about someone.
.....For instance, there is a difference between loving qualities about someone and loving the whole person. There are many attributes that can endear us to someone. Some qualities bring out admiration from us. Some qualities draw out our compassion. Some qualities are very practical, and some are not. How we respond to others is a very individual thing.
.......At some point in a relationship, we need to be aware of not just what we see and feel, but our own motives and desires. Honesty/objectivity is necessary when looking at the motor that is powering the vehicle of our understanding. Especially if indulgence is a habit that you have, like I do.
......I'm not suggesting that relationships should be reduced to an intellectual exercise, but neither should there be an army of unleashed desires that trample all reason marching around within us.
.....Truly loving someone -to me- starts with knowing them long enough and well enough to appreciate the areas of "wealth" and "limitation" in their lives. Their strengths and weaknesses, ups and downs are a part of their uniqueness. When we value them like God values them, we can accept them as He accepts us all.
......I believe that though there is no specific time period to tell someone "I love you", I feel that there is a level of honesty and gravity to saying it romantically. If you want to praise individual qualities, do so because you desire to share your feelings at the time.
....... When you profess love for someone, as in the total package that is the person, it should be with sincerity -and due process.

[purity]

Hhhhhmmmmmmmm!

Those replies were the "BOMB"!  

This is why I looooooooooovvvvvvvvve DEEP WATERS!!!    That was so what I needed to hear or I should say needed to read. Thanks yall!!!

Its really funny that you (David ) would say to "guard my heart". This is so much of a confirmation for me. I was just told this by a very, very wise woman who I am sure has walked the road I am now walking. So I thank you for that confirmation.

Then you turn around and give me Job's friends. hhhhhhmmmmmm. (that was good and it made me think) like o yeah, he has a point there  

Bishopbiscuits: you hit it on the head when you said " there is a difference between loving qualities about someone and loving the whole person. There are many attributes that can endear us to someone". And to that I say "SO TRUE"! (shaking my head yes)

At any rate this has indeed been helpful and has given me much insight. LOVE is a funny thing, its so many things that come with it. I just pray for the strength to guard my heart and the power not to fall because the feeling is o so good. Can't get the game twisted! If its for me, it'll be. I believe that 100%.

You all have blessed me! I pray that when you are in need of advice or guidance God will provide (as I know He will).

Thanks Yall!!!!

~ Purity

[Omnia]

In my opinion, one would need to define love.  What is love to you?  Is it that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you think of another?  Is it the desire to want to be with another?  None of these, in my opinion, justifiably define love.  Love is the honor and respect that we hold for another.  It has nothing to do with what they are doing for us, to us or with us.  It's about how we respect and esteem them.

There are no 'depths' or 'degrees' to love; either you love a person, or you don't.  Loving them doesn't make them perfect, nor does it give you a right to expect anything of them.  You're professing your love, and if they didn't recognize it by your actions, then certainly they will not see it any clearer by your words.

When to say it, is when you feel it.  The apprehension comes when we look for some type of 'result' after having said it.  If telling another, especially a significant other that you love him/her, makes you feel vulnerable or too wide open, then maybe you need to rethink what you consider love.

It is more than ridiculous to think that you have to define a time when you're going to tell someone that you love them.  What are you expecting by this statement?  Are you expecting them to say, "oh, I love you, as well"; or, are you letting them know, in no uncertain terms, how you feel?

The only difference in the love you have for a significant other, your friends, or your relatives is how you express it.  Love is not complicated....people are.

[purity]

It is more than ridiculous to think that you have to define a time when you're going to tell someone that you love them.  What are you expecting by this statement?  Are you expecting them to say, "oh, I love you, as well"; or, are you letting them know, in no uncertain terms, how you feel?

Hello Omnia,

Thank you for diving in to share.

I totally agree with what you stated about defining "love". However, I would have to disagree with your statement that (and I quote) "it's more than ridiculous to think that you have to define a time when you're going to tell someone that you love them".

Ridiculous in what sense?

I believe in doing things in decency and in order. So I do believe there should be a time limit on how soon you tell someone you love them. I'm not saying you should wait until you're old and grey to express your feelings towards someone but you don't just meet someone today and say to them tomorrow "O by the way I love you".

As women we are very emotional and some of us tend to think because the significant other makes us feel good, or because the relationship is new and Lord please don't let us be sexually involved (b/c then we are really head over heels)--but when we have all of these feelings we tend to think we love this person.

I would think this is called "attraction" and not love. But hey if that be your meaning of love then by all means "love em".

I have been confused about love, YES. It's something that comes with the process before you actually know what love really is.  There have been times when I THOUGHT I was IN-love but was really in-lust.

No, I don't think love is that feeling that makes your stomach drop or that makes you daze while driving on the beltway almost running into the back of someone's car (LOL). But what I do know is love isn't just something that shows up on your front door step (that's only in movies). It's something you grow into. Something that comes along over a period of time. Something that once its there you know what it is.
 
So to get a clearer understanding of this whole "love" thing I decided to dive in at "deep waters" knowing I would get that understanding here. Your reply shows we all have different understandings and meanings of "love" and that's cool. I guess love like life is what you make it.  

Thanks a bunch for your in-put.


1 Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  (now that's my kind of love)  

[Tamar]

First and foremost we must distinguish between love and lust.  Lust takes and Love gives.  I like to refer back to the story of Amnon and Tamar (2 Samuel chapter 13).  Amnon supposedly fell in love with his stepsister Tamar. He became frustrated to the point of illness over her. I mustn't go into the entire story.  I think most of us know it.  Eventually Amnon had his way with Tamar and raped her.  Now is that really love?  Once Amnon had his way with Tamar, he hated her with intense hatred. He hated her more than he Loved her. I am sure that Tamar had a crush on Amnon.  She was quick to suggest that they get married, but Amnon only wanted what he wanted.  Her needs were not important to him, which is contrary to what love is all about. He was really in lust with her.  His so-called love for her quickly turned into distaste.  Today the lust of flesh (the craving for sensual gratification),the lust of the eyes (the greedy longings of the heart), and the pride of life (the boasting of all we have and do) cloud the minds of men and women in the most crucial area of our lives; that of choosing a mate.  

 We must think about God's idea of love:  "It is patient, kind, not jealous, doesn't brag, is not arrogant, doesn't act unbecomingly, does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, does not take into account any wrongs suffered does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.  Love never fails!" (see 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.)  

Love is an unconditional divine gift that God gives us.  Love is a commitment based upon knowledge.  Sometimes we say that we are walking in love but in all actuality we are walking in our emotions.  Love has to be based on the knowledge of the person not just feelings or emotions. It has to be observed over time.  It has nothing to do with reciprocity.  Love is more important than what we do.  It is a state of being not doing.  True love understands that the person will be there no matter what.  

We as women are such emotional creatures.  The bible tells us to "keep our hearts with all diligence, for out of it flow the issues of life and death" (Proverbs 4:23).  We as women need to understand just how important and valuable our hearts really are.  Our hearts require special protection. We are always so quick to say I love you and as soon as the guy does not reciprocate, we tend to get upset. He doesn't reciprocate because he doesn't feel the same way we do about him. If he did he would have told you before you had the chance to tell him.  We still have to be careful, because sometimes men will tell us that they love us jus to get us to lie down with them. That is why it is important to learn as much as you can about him and his walk with God.  When a man commits to you out of pure love, not tainted by lust and selfish motives, a woman knows she is desired as a person and not an object (such as Tamar). Do we really know the person that "we are in love with" or is it all emotional?   When our heart suffers our whole being suffers.  God knows that the root of our heart problems is disappointment.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12). We need to be careful what we subject our hearts to because sometimes we are so quick to "fall" in love with someone.  First of all people do not "fall in love." God's definition of love is a definition of His own character.  Love and God are synonymous.  If God is love, how then can we fall into God?

We must commit to loving ourselves as God loves us.  We should not settle for less than His standard of love in our lives.  We should wait for God's best for us and believe that we deserve to be loved.  We must strive to be the incredible loveable women that God created us to be.  

I know I veered a little from the question at hand.  I had a lot on my mind concerning this particular subject and had to get it off. I hope that some of the things that I mentioned if not all helps you. Thanks for letting me vent.

~Tamar

[Omnia]

Purity....

Ridiculous in what sense?  
 
I believe in doing things in decency and in order. So I do believe there should be a time limit on how soon you tell someone you love them. I'm not saying you should wait until you're old and grey to express your feelings towards someone but you don't just meet someone today and say to them tomorrow "O by the way I love you".

I'm responding on the basis that I believe you misunderstood my statement.  You asked, "when to say 'I love you'?", right?  My answer was, and still is, "you say it when you feel it".   Can you tell me a good time to feel love and not express it?

No, you don't meet someone today, and tomorrow tell them that you love them, if you don't love them.  If you're intrigued or interested in spending more time with them, then that's not love, that's a desire.  There are no multi-faceted descriptions of love.  One doesn't love 'because of', you love 'in spite of'....

You quoted the right scriptures; yet, none of them say, "do this when it feels right".  We are to love at all times.  It appears that some folks want their 'I love you' statement to mean a whole lot of things that love doesn't define.  I love you, to some folks mean, "I want you to date me exclusively", or "I need, want, desire something MORE from you".  That's not love, that's manipulation.  There are NOT any classifications of love; either you love, or you do not.

I understand that, as we grow, especially in our growth as Christians, we realize that we loved in the capacity that we knew how to love.  When I look back over my life, I can see how the Holy Spirit has truly worked with me.  I often ask myself this question when I think I'm loving someone, "would I die for them?".  If I can't answer yes to that question, then I need to rethink what I'm genuinely feeling.

I humbly apologize if I come across as 'curt'.  I'm an extremist, and I don't play with words...or feelings.

[Omnia]

First and foremost we must distinguish between love and lust....

Teach the gospel, at all times....and, when necessary, use WORDS!![/i]

You brought the message like God likes to hear it, grounded in truth!!

[Tamar]

Sometimes we miss opportunities to minister the greatness of God because we are afraid of what other people think about us.  I hope that none of us ever miss the opportunity to let another sister or brother know about the GOODNESS and GREATNESS of GOD.  
 

Now to the topic on hand, Love is an unconditional divine gift that God gives us.  Love is a commitment based upon knowledge.   We say that we are walking in love but in all actuality we are walking in our emotions.  Sometimes we walk in like and not in love. Love has to be based on the knowledge of the person not just feelings or emotions. It has to be observed over time.  What do you know about that person?  How is his or her walk with God? Love has nothing to do with reciprocity. Sometimes we try to get people to do only what God can do. God loves us inspite of.  Love is more important than what we do.  It is a state of being not doing.  Some women may say "I love him because He says he loves me."  That just may be something that he thought may be good to say at that time.  God loves us inspite of who we are.  He has no other motive.  When you are ready to say I love you to someone, Look in their eyes, there walk, (how they are living) and not just there talk, if you do not see God, then it is not love, it is just lust.  Because we all know that GOD IS LOVE.


~Tamar~

[purity]

ABSOLUTELY!!!  

[bishopbiscuits]

Hello. I did not have more that I wanted to add personally. However , I felt the need to share someone else's input from a similar topic, so that any who read this but not the other topic might understand a little better about this thing we call love.
......Coincidentally, about two weeks ago at my church's rap session, this same information was brought up by my pastor as we shared with one another. To save typing, I will quote the forum administrator.

There are four Greek words used to define love:  eros, storge, philia, and agape.
 
Eros is the basest form of love. Eros love is human/sensual love (i.e. appeals to our senses). It is often referred to as sexual love (i.e. erotica). Eros love basically says, I love you because you please me or make me happy. This kind of love gives (usually as little as possible) in order to get. This is a selfish kind of love. Unfortunately, this is the kind of love that a lot of relationships are based on. It is possible for eros love to grow to a higher/deeper level if properly cultivated. Eros has it's place as a form or basis of initial (superficial) attraction between a man and woman. But in order for a relationship to last and be fulfilling, it must grow beyond eros love. Eros is superficial love.
 
Storge is love between family members. This is the kind of love that defines family--sibling and parental--love. Storge loves because you are a part of. Storge should never include eros love (i.e. incest), but it can include philia, and should include agape love. Storge is familial love.
 
Philia is an even higher level of love. It means to love with the meaning of having common interests with one another. This kind of love is the basis of true friendship or brotherly love. This is the kind of love that Jesus had for his friend Lazarus. Philia moves beyond the senses (eros) and seeks to know  something about the soul (i.e. the real you) of a person. Philia is platonic (i.e. nonsexual) love. Philia is not just take (like eros); it is give and take. There is a mutual sharing between two people who have like interests. Philia is the best basis for beginning a meaningful male-female relationship. Philia is soulful love.
 
Agape love is the highest form of love. This is the biblical love that God requires of us. It is an act of the will. Agape love is completely unselfish in nature. It does not give to get; it gives in the best interest of the one loved. Agape love is unconditional. It is demonstrated by giving not what a person wants, but what a person needs. Agape love is the basis of the marital relationship as God ordained it. Agape love is purposeful commitment to sacrificial action. Agape is sacrificial love.
 
Eros gives very little, and then only to get: it implies that you know nothing of the person being "loved" other than what is made known through the senses. Storge gives to make you a part of: it implies the one loved is a beneficiary of a pre-existing love or relationship. Philia gives because of: it implies that you know something about the person on a level that is deeper than only what lies on the surface. Agape gives in spite of: it implies that you have gone beyond the surface, have seen the flaws and still choose to love. Superficial love; familial love; soulful love; sacrificial love: which of these do you think you can do at first sight?    
 
 
God bless  BB

[Novelist]

Wow!! What an impact! Everyone had prolific words to share and I cannot leave without speaking my thoughts on love.  I received combinations of what is love? When is saying I love you expressed and so forth.  Firstly, as I read these words, " God is Love" and that is the ultimate love there is.  Personally, I had some flaws in this case because at one point in my life, I thought I was in love, but it was lust.  By reading this topic, I could relate to some issues at hand.  My previous relationship, which was at least 3 years ago, I felt as if I loved him.  He was intelligent, charming, cute, and he was an exception, although he did not have the best of clothes, a car, and his own place, but at that moment, I felt a connection with him.  Yes, I was slipping into sin.  We were dating for a while and finally made a big step in our relationship.  It was wrong.  I was wrong.  This was not love.  We thought love was the foundation of our relationship, instead, it was physical.

Honestly, we did not discuss the majority of our history, whether it was family, relationships, true feelings about things and people or even our convictions.  At the time, I felt as if I was in love, but it was lust.  Getting involved in relationships are not wrong, it is when love comes in, you have to know is it real or not.  This is the question we can all ask ourselves, but does it make a difference when God is out of the picture?  No, in fact, the relationship will not reap the full benefits of God when there is conditions on love.  I believe when a man and woman are beginning to feel closer to one another, it could be love, but make sure that it is because infatuation can create a love scene.  

As far as when and who would say it first, I believe that it is up to the individual, yet truthfully, the man should pursue the woman by asking her for a chance to get to know her and cherish her.  However, women can be fair if the man is showing her interest, give him a chance and see where this could go.  I believe love could be said when a man and woman are sure and it is mutual, no matter who says it first.  Moreover, in my opinion, I believe as for me, I would like the man to express I love you first.