Why the rush

[lenaj]

Ok so I have been dating a minister, applying for pastoral positions at various churches, for about 8mts now. And things are just continually going down hill. We argue all the time and I just feel like he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions and wants to blame me for everything. Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel and by no means perfect. I think things could work if we worked together.  But he is so mean towards me because I do not feel we are at the point of engagement. I feel our foundation is not a stable one. I just don't understand why he is in such a rush to get married. He has given marital counseling before and knows the dangers of rushing.  So why does he do it. I don't want to break things off with him but I don't feel we are ready for engagement just yet.  It almost seems like he refused to try to move forward because I wont agree with him that we are ready.

[Gracious]

Hi lenaj & Welcome to the forums,

Two things to think about ... Ambition vs. the will of God for one's life ... Amen?

The former,
Ambition (the drive to be the best that we can be); I'm led that in & of itself, is not a bad thing ... as long as we are Christ - centered in our thoughts & actions.

The latter,
The will of God for one's life (one's divine purpose), can only be given to an individual supernaturally, directly from our Deity.  Confirmation of our purpose comes through others swiftly.  I believe that this is a form of God's grace designed to encourage our hearts & determination.  In the Church, it seems almost sad to say ... but often ... we are bombarded with "ISSUES" Amen?  Problems dumped on us by "ISSUE" ridden leadership, especially if we are not a cookie cutter model of what "they" feel we should be! 

Example ...
If one is not married & one desires to "Pastor" a congregation, of course theirs an "ISSUE", because of the way that many "leaders" have been trained religiously regarding the fact that Pastor "should / must" be married???  Hence, the pressure from your love interest re: his desires concerning marrying you.  I betcha' that THAT (your friend's marital status) could be a factor.  Which is kinda' ironic 'cause Jesus Himself, was anything BUT the status quo ... Amen?  A child conceived by an unwed teenaged girl ... this Son founded the Christian Church & was never ahhh "engaged" in the traditional way, yet we who through faith, have received &  follow Him, "rightously" know Him as Bridegroom.   Deffinitely not a conformer ... Amen?  Yet, He IS A TRANSFORMER!!!  HALLELUJAH!!!

OR

To be fair to our churched leadership, could there perhaps be other concerns (besides him being unmarried) that the leaders of these other churches  see ... that neither you nor he may see?

And I agree with you concerning your hesitation, because it sounds to me as if the Holy Ghost inside of you is warning you NOT to give in to the pressures being placed upon you.  So please continue to listen to your inner voice - the One who is telling you what would "not" be right for you at this time.  What GOD has for you my sista' will be yours & will bring you endless JOY!  And what God does "not" have for you ... He may allow ... BUT ... misery & confusion will follow you & be with  you ... UNTIL ... you trust God enough to release it  & cast it away from you.

You said it best ...

Why the rush?   Especially since your greatest friend (Jesus), is with you, guiding you, strengthening you & YES ... even through all that your dealing with ... blessing you!


Take care & I wish you all the best, 

Gracious

[Forum Administrator]

Hi lenaj.

things are just continually going down hill. We argue all the time and I just feel like he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions and wants to blame me for everything. Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel and by no means perfect. I think things could work if we worked together.  But he is so mean towards me because I do not feel we are at the point of engagement. I feel our foundation is not a stable one...I don't want to break things off with him but I don't feel we are ready for engagement just yet.  It almost seems like he refused to try to move forward because I wont agree with him that we are ready.

Perfection is not required for a good relationship, but patience, consideration, and understanding is. Why is he in such a hurry? If all you have said is true, why don't you want to break off with him? Red flags seem to be flapping everywhere. Granted, things could work if you work together, as you said, but if he's not willing to do that, or even rationally discuss your reasons for wanting to wait, you are wasting your time.

[lenaj]

I understand that no relationship is going to be perfect.  And yes there are red flags on both our parts. Honestly I stay because I do love him, and I hate to feel like I just gave up. I hate feeling like I did something wrong/the bad guy. I guess I'm really just tired of relationships ending and new ones starting. I am ready to settle down, and start a family of my own. He has a lot of great qualities, but this whole mad dash to the alter is something I just don't get, especially since he is a guy, who is only 26 and 3 years younger than me.

I will admit that since he first started mentioning wedding and thing of that nature 2 months into the relationship I was fearful that he was doing it because he wanted to be a pastor so badly.

I have tried to talk to him about making sure we at least have a good foundation, but talking to him is much like interviewing a politician. He will not directly answer questions, and says he will not be backed into a corner by me. I tell him that is not my intent, but to fully understand him.  I just end up upset, drained, and emotional cause I feel like he is being difficult on purpose.

So maybe you are right, I'm just wasting time

[Forum Administrator]

lenaj, be it far from me to discourage you. That's certainly not my intention. But if I can help keep you out of a relationship that will leave you feeling  "upset, drained, and emotional," then I would be grateful for that. I think it ironic that he says he will not be backed into a corner. The bottom line is this: love -- real love and the kind of love you want and need to build a relationship on -- is patient. If he's not ready to wait until you're ready, then he's not ready for marriage. Marriage is not something to be pressured into or get into for appearances sake. The things that you are seeing of his character now will show up again after you're married, but amplified. If he truly loves you he will consider (very highly) your feelings and take the steps necessary to build a foundation that is stable enough that you both want to build on. Never be unwilling to walk away from a relationship that you have no legal or moral obligation to deal with. Walking away from such a situation is not failure: it's growth. Perhaps if you express to him that this pressure to rush into marriage unreadily is enough to cause you to consider walking away from the relationship, maybe the prospect of losing a relationship with you--the same relationship that he appears to be so anxious to have--will encourage him to make you the priority and let those great qualities you say he has shine through. The number one role of a husband is to make his wife his priority, second only to God. If he is unwilling to make you a priority now, the same attitude will carry over into marriage.

[lenaj]

I'm sorry if I gave the impression that you were even attempting to discourage me.  You were speaking more truth to me than you know!!!!! Well maybe you do know. So I do not fell discourage in any way, but I feel releaved in knowing that I'm not making a mistake by waiting and taking time on this.  Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi again. No, you did not give me that impression. It's just that I'm mindful that as I "speak" everything in black and white (or in this case, black and blue  ) does not always translate with the intent I'm trying to convey. I appreciate your response and I'm glad that you find some helpful advice.