I need help with Lying, my marriage is dying

[rjcek]

I have been married for almost ten years, I have lied to my wife for 10 years, I want and need to change, I love my wife deeply, she is at her wits end, and has told me that she is done fighting for me, I have been in prayer constantly over my affiction, I simply do not know what to do, I do not want my marriage to end, I am tired of breaking her heart and letting her down, does anyone have any advise for me and my marriage? 

[sagesong]

Stop lying.   

What are you lying about? (If you don't mind my asking.)
What is your relationship with God, beyond praying to stop lying?
What do you do to avoid the kinds of situation you typically lie about?

Matthew 6:33 --  33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello rjcek. Welcome to Deep Waters. Thanks for your post. Admitting your sin is the first step in repentance, and repentance is what needs to take place. Being sorry is not enough; an apology is not enough: there must be a decision to stop the wrong behavior. There is nothing as devastating to a marriage as lies. I recommend that you read the article When A Husband Lies from our Deep Waters newsletter archive. When you read the article, be sure to identify the cause of your lies -- fear, arrogance, and selfishness -- and then kill the root(s). If it's fear, you must begin to walk out 2 Timothy 1:7. If it's arrogance, you must begin to walk out James 4:6-10. If the cause is selfishness, you must begin to walk out Philippians 2:2-4. It would probably be a good idea for you to walk out all three. Look up and write out these verses on 3x5 cards and keep them where you can see them and read them until they become embedded in your spirit. Renew your mind with the word of God--specifically these verses--and your actions will follow. Do not love your wife in words only, but in deeds. Do what's right. Be the husband that she longs for you to be. You are equipped and able to do it. I think the things you have expressed here would be good for your wife to hear, but only when you have made a commitment to change that you can walk out in front of her daily. Your wife may also benefit from the article Wound Care: Dealing With The Aftermath of the Lie. Once you make the change, and I believe you will, be sure to allow your wife time to recover and heal from the damage done to her. We're praying for the healing of your marriage, but it starts with your decision and commitment to change.

[rjcek]

Sagesong.

To answer your question I have lied about everything under the sun, I have made up stories to make myself look better, I have lied about what I have eaten for lunch. My relationship with God is improving on a daily basis, however it was not always that way, I have struggled with this for 37 years, I would commit myself to change, but after the first failure I was back to my old ways. as far as avoiding the situtation I have not. Thank you for your reply.

[rjcek]

Forum Administrator.

Thank you for the advise, I have written down the scriptures and will study them daily, I am currently walking with my wife minutes at a time, she is a very compassionate woman, and she wants me to change, she has not written off our marriage as long as I am working for change and I get an accountability partner, and get into some bible studies, I thank you again for your advise

[sagesong]

I am dealing with a similar situation in my own marriage.   I have considered divorce and understand God's grace and forgiveness are my if I take this route.  However, God has spoken to me clearly on this matter.  So, I am praying and interceding as God leads. 

The one thing that God showed me is that my husband cannot love me as He desires for a man to love a wife, because he does not love Him.   Because he does not love Him, he cannot truly love anyone, including himself.  You say you have committed to change, but you can't.  You must give you to God and allow him (the Potter) to mold and shape you into the man and husband He designed you to be.

Again, I encourage you to seek God first.   As you have experienced in the past, any change achieved without him is counterfeit and will be short lived. 

[rjcek]

Thank you for your encouraging words, I have recommitted my life to God, I currently have an accountability partner, and I am starting a bible study in September, I have Asked God to show me the pain that I have created in my family, I had to sit down with my 7 year old daughter and explain to her that I am a liar. that was one of the lowest points in my life. again God is showing me to take it minute by minute, and situtation by situtation, please pray for me and I will do the same for you and your husband. God bless you.

[sagesong]

Bless God for your rededication.  I will pray for you and your wife.  Just imagine the testimony that's coming ahead.  To God be the glory.