relationships

[GuidingLight]

I have never been in a non sexual relationship with a man.  How do you conduct such a relsationship without feeling undesirable?  I am dating this guy and he rarely hug me or give me attention girlfriend to boyfriend specail attention.  It is like we are just good friends. Confused.  Please help.   

[1EagleSky]

No, the fact that it feels like you are just good friends instead of dating is not a weird or "off-base" thing. Christian men and women are supposed to treat one another with honor and respect, whether they are friends or dating.  The fact that you've never had a non-sexual relationship with a man makes this new relationship feel weird, because while their certainly was a level of physical attraction between the two of you, to engage in sexual activity would violate the principles of Scripture.

This man wants to be honorable towards God and towards you, which is why he's not getting overly affectionate with you. I'm assuming you've shared with him your past background of sexual relationships with the men you've dated? He's showing you respect by protecting you from behavior that would cause you to lapse back into old behaviors.

How long had it been between the last relationship you had and the time frame in which you met the man you are currently dating? Did a significant amount of time  pass between relationships, or was the transition to this current relationship fairly quick?

Nothing is wrong with this guy. You need time to grow and learn how crucial it is to renew the mind, to think and conduct yourself according to God's standards, and not the standards of society.

I know you may not like to consider this, but if you find that your desire for the old way of doing things--having sex, is stronger than your desire to do what you know God says is the right thing to do---you may need to break off the dating relationship with this man for now while you get grounded in your new identity in Christ and what that means in regards to how you relate to others of the opposite sex.

I suggest you study the Book of Romans, with particular emphasis on the 12th chapter of Romans.

You may think this guy is weird for not "coming on" to you like others have in the past, but you really should be thanking God. He (this man you are dating) is showing you respect, Godly respect, by not being overly affectionate with you or making inappropriate sexual advances.

I'd like to suggest an essay on this topic. It is written from a Christian point of view. It can be found at:

http://www.members.tripod.com/~rlhoward/noexhale.htm

[Forum Administrator]

Hi GuidingLight. Welcome to Deep Waters. To answer your question (how do you conduct a non-sexual relationship without feeling undesirable), you do that by recognizing that your worth has nothing to do with what someone gets from you (i.e. sex), but in what Someone gave for you.

God places great value on you. So much so, that when God wanted to find someone to die in your place, He put a flesh suit on and came down Himself in the Person of His son. You're so valuable that He was willing to give His most precious gift for you: His only dearly loved Son, Jesus Christ. You are so desirable that God would bankrupt heaven just to get your attention; He would lay down His life just to get a chance with you. You're so precious that God thinks about you every single day; longs to hear your voice; values even the very hairs on your head; looks for opportunities to bless you; spends His time making plans for you; leaves love notes for you to read every day; loves you with an everlasting love (even if you never love Him back).

For the first time, you may have a unique opportunity to enjoy the proper development of a relationship without the complications of sex getting in the way. Enjoy it. Relish it. Appreciate the friendship and allow things to progress to something more than just a physical relationship. Embrace the opportunity to grow beyond the superficial and avoid the pitfalls of becoming another sexual soul-tie statistic.

Remember, your value is based not on what someone wants to take from you, but on what someone is willing to give for you. Don't look to any man (or woman for that matter) to validate your worth. God has already done that. The greatest Gift has already been given for you. God thinks you're worth it... and you are.

[Gerard Henry]

GuidingLight-

Perhaps your confusion is really the process of transformation.  Friendship is the true foundation for the most intimate of relationships.  A lot of affection will eventually lead to sexual activity which if you are trying to conduct this relationship according to God's standards, you don't want to go. 

If this gentleman is a follower of Christ, he hopefully is trying to give you the respect and honor you deserve which is beyond your body.  I would suggest you and him clearly define your relationship, the expectations and standards by which you will operate, and if possible have a married couple whom you mutually respect provide advice and accountability. 

The things you both need to focus on during this time is BECOMING WHO GOD WANTS YOU TO BE.... which will never end.... and learning more about each other so you can determine if marriage is your destination. 

Peace and Blessings,

GH

[GuidingLight]

Thank you for your revelations.  It all makes sense now.  I will hold on tight and see where this relationship takes us.  He is  really a great guy and I dont want to end the relationship.  He may be the man of God I have been praying for.  God bless you all.       

[David Dupree]

Hi GuidingLight,

Good friends is the type of relationship those considering themselves "dating" should have.  So if you want it to progress to marriage, then good friends is the way. 

Yeah, hold on tight, but not too tight, to him that is.  Hold on tight to your emotions..well to your flesh even moreso.  I know it is a new way of thinking for you, but there is no law that says you have to have sex before marriage.  In fact, God's law says the opposite. 

Stay prayerful and keep it Holy!  :-) 

dd

[Beanie3]

Hey Guiding Light,

As a Christian sister that, at this point, in my life has only non-sexual relationships with my guy friends right now, I guess I can add that I really don't see the problem with this.  I think all the Moderators are right. You do have to reveal your self worth. However, I think you also need to understand that any one can have sex with you. It takes someone special to show restraint and discipline in honoring the Lord's commands for his/her life. SO, that is a good sign.

Yet, I think one of the most important things to remember is not to confuse the relationship with something that its not. Enjoy the relationship that you have right now. Otherwise you'll be trying to have romantic relationship with a friend and then things will just get weird. Just speaking from personal experience from this one. It's just a word of caution.

I think your friend should be applauded for treating you with respect.

[Gracious]

I have never been in a non sexual relationship with a man.  How do you conduct such a relsationship without feeling undesirable?  I am dating this guy and he rarely hug me or give me attention girlfriend to boyfriend specail attention.  It is like we are just good friends. Confused.  Please help.   

Hello GuidingLight,

Welome & How are you? Hmmm?

Great question!!!  Especially the second to the last statement of your initial post ... Amen?

You said:
"...It is like we are just good friends...."

What a blessing ... Would that ALL single saints (men & women) have a goooood friend (of the opposite sex) like that!!! 

Question.   

Do you / Would you ... know a BLESSING from Heaven when you see one?  "Cause THAT's what he (your friend) surely is ... Amen?

Sista' we as women, have been conditioned by the world we live in, to throw the word "PATIENCE" right out the window - along with other gifts / blessings like Virtue & Divine Restoration.

Here's my meaning,  I agree with ...

• Our Madame FA when she said:  "...God places great value on you..."

 

• & Beanie3 profoundly saying: "...It takes someone special to show restraint and discipline in honoring the Lord's commands for his/her life. SO, that is a good sign..."

 

• & Brotha' Gerard Henry when he said: "... Friendship is the true foundation for the most intimate of relationships..."

 

• & Eaglesky1 when she said: "... You need time to grow and learn how crucial it is to renew the mind, to think and conduct yourself according to God's standards, and not the standards of society..."

In Tyler Perry's movie "Family Reunion" ... Boris Kojo (sp) who played an Atlanta Bus Driver said to his love interest after seeing her home from their date - something like: "Is that what you think I came to you for ... sex?" And his love interest replied: "Hey, let's be real ... ALL men come for something!" and to this Boris replied: "Some men, come to "restore"..." 

"Some men, come to "restore"..."

WOW ... those words "shook my spirit" when he said them!!!  Amen?

GuidingLight, that's why I asked you the "Question" that I did.  Perhaps, GOD loves you soooooo much, that HE sent you a RESTORER ...  A part of HIMSELF through "A REAL MAN" - to heal your brokeness & your impatience that has caused you to make harmful choicees in your life.

I've been led that when GOD moves on our behalf ... more oft' than not, HE comes to us when we are focused on something / someone else entirely.  That's why we must keep "the connection" ... yup, keep the spiritual communication lines open between us & heaven through "Prayer & Worship" ... soooooo that "we" will see HIM readily/quickly in others and not miss HIS LOVE (HIS WAY)!!!

You have TRULY been BLESSED of GOD ... through this man!!!  Receive your RESTORATION my friend!!!

From my heart to yours,

Gracious

[GuidingLight]

thanks Gracious.  that was good.  I really enjoyed reading your reply.  have a blessed week.

[Gracious]

Your are welcomed GuidingLight, and thank you for introducing this thread!!!