Dating Within Your Home Church

[Purposed]

I am a little apprehensive about dating people at my church.  I do want a man that is saved, but maybe that should be someone that doesn't go to "my" church. 

Let's say I date someone a while but it doesn't work out and then we are left with this awkwardness about the break-up BUT we still belong to the same church.  The weirdness of seeing that other person dating someone else--I would wish them well and all but you have to admit, it would still be weird!!

It's almost like dating someone you work with....

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Purposed. Welcome! Before I attempt to jump in, what is your definition/understanding of "dating?" 

[Purposed]

Sorry this took so long to get back to you--

I guess my definition is going out to dinner, movies, social occassion, etc.  Now, that might lead to something more--so say it does.  But say after a while it doesn't work out, that's when it may get weird. 

Also, how do you feel that you are waiting on God, and not getting ahead of him without totally removing yourself from meeting people?  I want to move with God, but do I just sit and wait until a man falls out of the sky (smile)--b/c I don't think that is going to happen.  So how do I feel that I am making myself available to men without moving ahead of God?

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Purposed. No problem about the delay.  First, as my husband likes to diagnose such cases, it sounds like you're suffering from "premeditated worry."  You're "apprehensive" about a situation/scenario that hasn't even happened yet. That's not a good start to anything. Stop worrying and start praying about the results that you would want to see happen.

It is possible to develop a friendship with/date someone from your own church and it not be ugly, awkward or uncomfortable. The key is how you conduct yourself in the relationship. The purpose of how I understand "dating" should be to get to know a person to see if s/he might be suitable marriage potential. It's not to kiss (or be kissed by) him/her, fondle (or be fondled by) him/her, or end up in a sexual relationship with him/her. Inappropriate/premature physical intimacy is in large part what causes the uncomfortableness if the relationship does not work out the way you expected/hoped. The initial goal should be to make a friend. If you keep this mindset in focus, you can go out with someone--even from your church--and have great fun even if during the process of discovery you realize that there is no/little potential for anything further developing. The worse case scenario should be that you have gained a brother.

Be honest and use discretion. Don't allow your conversation (or behavior) to be too intimate when you are just in the getting to know you phase. A good rule of thumb is to not do or say anything in the dating relationship that you might regret doing or saying if the relationship doesn't work out. Try to conduct yourself in such a way that the person is a little better for having spent time with you.

When you have a moment, please check out the following resources:
- Common Mistakes In Relating To The Opposite Sex
- Steps To Successful Dating
- Stages of Physical Intimacy
- Discerning Between Love & Infatuation

In answer to your other question about waiting, getting ahead of God is not an action; it's a mindset or condition of the heart. Let Proverbs 3:5,6 be your guide. Ask God for guidance in everything, especially in the area of potential/developing relationships. You don't have to sit and wait until a man falls out of the sky (and if he does, I would run if I were you  ). But you also don't want to make waiting for a man your focus either. Live your life like the man isn't coming (but there's nothing wrong with looking good while you're doing it).

Your focus should be to shine like the jewel you are and God will see to it that your brilliance catches the eye of the kind of man who knows what to do with such a jewel. You shine by: 1) knowing who you are (i.e. your person (personality, character, reputation, etc.) and developing yourself to be the best you that you can be; 2) knowing your God: focus on deepening your relationship with Him through prayer, praise, and your personal walk with Him. Didn't He say if He is lifted up He will draw all men unto you?  (It really says He will draw all men unto Him.) But seriously, if you want a man who will lift you up, lift God up. You will not recognize the lover of your person until you recognize the Lover of your soul. 3) Know your purpose (which will naturally follow 1 & 2). Evaluate your person, your giftedness and your passion and you will realize your purpose.

Prayerfully set goals for yourself that do not include a man/husband. As you set about doing what God has put you on earth to do you will be able to better recognize when someone suitable comes along. Also, if God is going to bring you into relationship to become a suitable help mate for someone, be in a position where you can help (e.g. get your finances together, sharpen your cooking skills, know how to handle yourself in business affairs, etc.).  These are things that will be of benefit to you with or without a husband, a man, or a date.