friend blues

[brownie73]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post to the site. After reading the insightful advice from the members and administrators I believe that God is going to use someone to give me some clarity.  Here's my dilema, small in comparison to some of the others.  I have this friend that I've known for 12 years.  We've never been a relationship but a week ago he approached me and told me that he's loved me for a long time and wants to marry me.  He's anxious to marry me, but I'm hesistant even to be in a relationship with him because he's not born again.  Also, it just feels wrong, period.  We went to the movies and he was holding my hand and if felt funny and wrong.  I felt bad because I love him like a friend only.  I don't feel an attraction to him at all.  I feel funny sprititually when I'm around him.  I can't put my finger on the feeling.  I've talked to him about God.  He's known me for years and he even says that I'm a different person since I came to God.  I feel sadness in my heart for him because his brother was murdered last year and he still refuses to come to God.  He's been to church with me but I'm not sure if he's coming for himself or me.  It's scary because 3 years ago I dated a guy who wasn't born again that went to church with me every Sunday, even after I had sex with him.  I'm aftaid that he's going in order to get closer to me like the other guy did.  I was vulnerable because I was a baby Christian with no church home.  I had left the church I was a part of because not only was the pastor lying to us and ripping us off, he was having an affair with one of the ministers.  It broke my heart because I looked at them as examples.  When I left the church, I backslide that same year, only a year after getting saved.  I was so discouraged and depressed.  I couldn't remain a backslider because I have the spirit of the living God inside of me.  Since then I've learned to let Jesus be my example.

So, my question is this--Should I tell him that I only date Christian men or just tell him I'm not interested at all?  See, I'm afraid that if I tell him I only date Christian men, he might come to church and make a false confession because of what I said.  Or he might get angry and say that I think I'm better than him.  He might stubbornly refuse have anything to with God just because I gave an ultimatum.  I've been praying for his salvation and that's all that really matters to me.  I'm not saying that I don't want to get married, but his salvation is more important to me right now.  It's hard for me to be attracted to men who aren't born again because of the bad experiences I've had but it feels gross when he touches my hand or kisses my cheek.  I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that I was sexually molested by my mother's husband when I was young because I've had sex since then.  So my other question is--Is it normal to feel gross when someone that you love touches you?  I don't even like for him to hug me.  Could it be because I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years 6 months ago?  We were both Christians and chose not to have any type of sexual contact until after marriage.  I didn't like for him to kiss my cheek or hold my hand either.  I felt disgusted when he did so.  I wonder if there's something wrong with me?  I asked God to help me to hate what he hates to cure my sexual addiction.  But, good grief!  I hope this was clear enough for someone to answer me.  Thanks in advance for your responses.

[purity]

Hey brownie73,

First let me commend you on the commitment you have made to Christ! I think that's absolutely great!

Ok off to the questions.....I'll answer them the the best way I know how 

Should I tell him that I only date Christian men or just tell him I'm not interested at all?

I would probably tell him I'm not interested. Your feelings of disgust when ever he touches you leads me to believe you're not interested. Telling him you only date Christian men will possibly give him the hopes of "one day" dating you once he gets his walk with the Lord straight. Telling him you're not interested in pursuing anything more than a friendship with him sets boundaries and nips it in the bud NOW!

Now on the other hand if you're trying to spare his feelings by telling him you only date Christian men I don't think that's fair to him - although its true. Be honest! If its more that you're not interested let him know. Your friendship is at stake! But if you kind of like him but are concerned that he's not saved then let him know. Uphold your commitment to Christ first and foremost. If he cant respect that then prayers and agape love is the only thing you can offer him. 

So my other question is--Is it normal to feel gross when someone that you love touches you?

I would say no! There could be a few reasons why you feel gross when he touches you.

1. Lack of interest in him. 

2. The fact that your relationship has gone to a new level (although I'm not totally sure if that would gross me out)

- or -

3. God's covering you in an effort of keeping you away from those things that are not good for you.   

I applaud you for putting his salvation first and for wanting him to be saved more than anything!

Keep seeking God for direction!

[brownie73]

Thanks Purity!  I read your advice/comments to a couple other folks and was glad to see that you had a chance to reply to mine.

Peace and blessing.

[Breathedonme]

Hi There!

Maybe I've missed something, but not dismissing the point that He isn't saved, why can't you let him know that you are not feeling the same way for him that he feels for you.

What if he sincerely gets saved and comes to you -- then if you STILL aren't attracted to him . . . 'nough said.

Just wondering :-D

[brownie73]

D - you're right.  thanks.

[Tamar]

Hello  Brownie

I must say that you are a very strong young lady and I commend you on your strength.  I have been in a similar situation as yourself.  The best thing for you to do is just tell the young man that you just want to remain freinds and that you do not want to engage in anything that would jeopardize your relationship as a friend to him or your relationship with God. 

My personal opinion about you feeling gross when he touches you is  because you are not interested in him in regards to a romantic relationship.  For myself, I would feel gross if a very good guy friend of mine kissed me as well.  I look at and treat my good guy friends as my brothers, so therefore, that is why I would have a feeling of disgust.  Just continue praying about it and ask God to lead and direct you.  He will tell you what to say to this young man as well as what you should do about your situation.

I hope that this helps you some.

[brownie73]

Tamar- The advice you gave me is reasonable.  Thanks for your encouragement and your advice. 

Peace and blessings to you.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi brownie73. I'm checking in late, but I'm still checking in.  It sounds like there could be at least two issues here; perhaps related to each other. Issue #1: you have "the Spirit of the living God inside of [you]. This fact is going to set the precedent and guidance for your relationships. Because you belong to God, you cannot be with just anybody. You are not to be yoked (in this context, in marriage or relationship leading to marriage) to an unbeliever.

_{"I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively! Don't become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands?" (1 Corinthians 6:13-15, The Message)}

And again, two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement:

_{"Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren't going to the same place?" (Amos 3:3, The Message)}

To go against the above principles is to grieve the Spirit of the living God who is living inside of you. That may have something to do with why it feels so wrong for you.  The second issue is, even if he was a believer, you still may not return the feelings that he says he has for you. You say you love him as a friend so honor that. Don't do things with him that you wouldn't/shouldn't do with a brother-friend. Don't feel bad because you are not attracted to him. That is a good thing because if you are true to what you are feeling (and what you now know), this will help you to make clearer decisions and keep things uncomplicated.

I'm on my soapboax: one of my concerns for my sisters is that we are not true to our God-given instincts and feelings. We tend to be so concerned about hurting the man's feelings or offending him that we often compromise our own well-being. BE HONEST with yourself and this man.  If he refuses to have nothing to do with God that is not your fault. That is God's business. HE does the drawing. The best thing you can do is speak the truth out of a motive of love and concern for his soul and relationship with God (Ephesians 4:15, 17-32):

_{"15Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ...  17Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. 18They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. 19They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. 20But that is not the way you learned Christ!-- 21assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22to put off your old self,[c] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
   
25Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and give no opportunity to the devil. 28Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."}

I don't always quote such lengthy passages of scripture, but based on all you have said, I believe that you will benefit from all of the above." You cannot live your life being concerned about what you think others might think of you. What control do you have over the thoughts of others? NONE! As the saying goes, you might not worry so much about what others thought of you if you knew how little they did. 

Don't give any ultimatums. Simply let him know that according to the scriptures that you believe, you are not to be in a relationship with anyone who has not accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as his personal Savior AND you care for him as a friend ONLY. Stick with the truth. Say nothing more, and nothing less. You are a pointer: your job is to point him (and others) to Christ. Encourage the potential of a relationship with Christ not a relationship with you.

In regards to your question about whether or not it is normal to feel "gross" when you are touched by someone you love. I will need a second post in order to really dig down into the possibilities of the sexual molestation (Issues #3?). But I will say this much, if you asked God to help you to hate what He hates to help you to overcome your sexual addiction, you should be doing a dance right now!  It could be that God is covering you right now so that your love/desire is not awakened before the appropriate time. Take it as a blessing while you work through any other residual issues that may be lingering/affecting your life and how you relate to others. More later... 

[brownie73]

Thanks Administrator.  That's great advice.

[la]

 :)I'm replying late, howerever, tell the man how u really feel honestly with gentleness and respect (that's how the Word tells us!)
He is not saved for #1! Don't become emotional involved with someone you are not equally yoked with (that's the Word!)
I've gone thru some similar things like that before I was married too, and I was just saved, so trust me don't date this man! The whole idea of dating is to eventually marry, no where in the Word does it say to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but to have a husbandMan! why get a boy when u can have a man!  Did u find a church yet?