cant take the "formulas" anymore......

[1dayatatime]

hello. Ive viewed this website for a while and never really had a opinion...until now.  Can i speak my mind? Ok...Im so sick and tired of everyone having their own formula on how to get that mate that God has for me. 'If u would learn to be content with yourself, if u would just love yourself, put God first, God has to be your husband first, spend more time with God, God aint going to send no one in your life to mess up your focus, God wants to get u to that level where he wants u to be' blah blah blah. Im so sick of it. And my married friends think they have ALL the answers why Im still single. Looking at some of my married friends and how they met their mates, some of them wasnt where God wanted them to be, one of them was shacking up with her husband b-4 they got married, another one had a baby out of wedlock and thank God they married.  Not judging, but my point is that I'm sick of people saying that u have to be so spiritually PERFECT, white as snow, all your ducks lined in a row, for God to finally say, "OK, she is ready for a mate." I just dont think it works that way. its not that cut and dry. Im sorry. I dont know about anybody else, but the past few years I have worn myself out trying out everybodys little formula that i have gotten from singles conferences, tapes, books, DVD's, friends, family. Looking at my friends b-4 they were married, they wasnt walking that talk they are trying to preach to now, and look: God still showed them favor and they are married. So no one knows how God works or why he does things the way he does things in every individual's lives.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi 1dayatatime. Welcome. You are absolutely correct. There are no "formulas" for getting a mate. If there were, I would think that most people who want to be married would be married. The fact is, there are a lot of people--at all different levels of spiritual maturity--who desire to be married and are not. Another fact is that everyone who is married is not necessarily married according to God's blueprint for marriage. Some things God permits because of choices we make, but that does not mean that because He allows it, that's the way He wanted it to go. The good news is that God still shows us grace (undeserved favor) and mercy, and for those who truly love God and have the desire to please and be obedient to Him, He will cause everything to work together for good.

Yet another fact is if it were true that we needed to be spiritually perfect in order to marry God's suitable mate, NONE of us would EVER be married. So if that's the formula you've been trying to follow, I'm glad that you've decided to stop trying. 

I know quite a few people who desire to be married and who are content, put God first, love themselves, spend time with God, and they are still not married. God has a plan for each of our lives. His plan for your life is different than His plan for mine or anyone else's because you are different/unique and there is no comparing you or what God is doing/going to do in your life with anyone else. While you're trying to make sense of what you see or don't see happening as it relates to marriage, don't make the mistake of looking at anyone else's situation for the answer. There's not any comparison to be made.

The bottom line about this Christian walk and relationship is that it's all about trust. As the song says, "It's not in trying, but in trusting..." God doesn't want you or anyone else wearing yourself out worrying about the who, what, when, where, why and how of... anything. He wants us--all of us--to trust Him. He wants us to trust that He'll satisfy our longings and meet all of our needs. He wants us to trust that He has great plans for our future. He wants us to trust that He won't keep anything (or anyone) good from us. He wants us to trust that our lives can be full and complete and wonderful, with or without a mate, just because He's in our lives.

Whatever you do in the future, don't do it because you are trying to prepare to be the bride for any man; do it because you are preparing to be the bride of Christ and because you want to have the best life you can have right now. If God blesses you with a mate: wonderful! If He blesses you not to have a mate: wonderful! The presence or absence of a mate is not a prerequisite for a full and purposeful life. God's favor and abundant blessings are available to you regardless of your marital state. Make up your mind to have a wonderful life!

[Novelist]

Hello Everyone in Deep Waters,

To an extent, I agree with 1dayatatime because I have heard all the words of similar meanings, "Don't worry, God has a plan for you" or "Be patient, your time is coming" It encouraged me some of the time, but I was back to step 1 again.  It is hard for me to believe that I will ever be married because I am getting to the bitter stage of relationships and I am tired.  Not to say that I do not play a part in any of this, I can truly say that I made some bad choices and I regret some things in my life.  1dayatatime, you have expressed some feelings that I was feeling too because I could look at some of my friends who have boyfriends and they are not doing all the right things to get right with God, but their relationship is blissfully blooming.  Sometimes, I wonder if I was not doing half the right things, where would I be now?  Do not mistake me, I appreciate deep waters and every opinion that is shared because I was enlightened in many ways, however, my life is still at the state of confusion because there are some things in me that has to change and for several reasons, I am holding on to them.  There are memories on the way I was treated by people that still bother me because along the way, it made me feel like I was not worthy of their love and support, nor their time.  There is something about individuals and their emotions that trigger some much out of me because I want others to be affectionate toward me. 

As 1dayatatime was saying, it is tough to tell if all of this is true about being too holy and pure, meanwhile, people who are not amounting to those expectations are going to the next level.  Honestly, I have it bad with comparisons because anything I see, I will make a theory of it.  I look at how many times I hear about people going out, getting wild and the next thing you know, they have new dates, receiving phone calls, and so forth.  While I am over here trying to be steadfast and unmovable, everyone seem to pass me by.  It is hard to do sometimes.  I want to do right, yet I am afraid of being alone, without experiencing the life I imagine.  That could be another problem, because I am very idealistic.  I know what reality is and I know that everything is not fantasy, yet I embellish in daydreaming because it is my hopes and desires.  What's wrong with that?  It is tough to look at your friends who are married or not married and still have a relationship that you want.  At times, I get sick of hearing all of that too because when is my time coming?  In the past, I have expressed to God how selfish I am because no one else cares about me, so why should I waste my time on wishing and hoping for someone else?

The point is, people will always have do's and don'ts in the books.  We have the ten commandments, the laws, policies, procedures, there is always something to follow. no matter what.  For one, I know that life is not easy and sometimes you have to bend over backwards for others, but for me, it is not that easy.  My heart has been hurt too many times and from all of that, I was stupid enough to place them out there again.  The single life is good and then again, it could be boring.  Sometimes, there is nothing better to do.  Everyone wants companionship and the freedom to go out sometimes.  We were created to be emotional, gregarious people, and that is what we all want.  We want love, support, shelter, food, clothing, acceptance, and the whole nine yards of why others should and need to love us.  1dayatatime, you and I have to hang in there because it is not easy, there is so much more to learn and let go.

[David Dupree]

Hi 1dayatatime,

I am sorry that you are so sick of the formulas etc.  But all  I and the others of us in Deepwaters attempt to do is provide Biblically based answers to relationship questions.

In that regard, I personally attempt to follow and have others follow the Bible, the Word of God.  We have done relationship wrong for so long by letting the world and the media steer it.  It is time to do it right, if you have a chance.  Sure it would be wonderful to turn back the hands of time and take back some things, but since we can't the least we can do is pass on the benefit of our mistakes, triumphs and learning on to someone else. 

"If I can help somebody as I pass  along...then my living shall not be in vain." 

No, there is no magical formula where you can wave a wand and achieve all the promises.  But, you can be prepared for the promises by following God's Word. This would include following God's Word as spoken by those who enhance, teach, explain, live, etc God's Word. 

If the answer to Daniel's issue was held up by warfare in the heavenlies, then what about us?  Are we living as holy as Daniel? 

Since the Word says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" then you have to take God at His Word. Since the Word says "Wait on the Lord" then take God at His Word.  I could go on and on..but take God at His Word.  And take those words that help you understand how to take God at His Word. 

For example, since God's Word says by His stripes, I am healed, then I don't need to concern myself with the fact that I may still have to take medication for now or that my symptons are still prevalent or that doctors recommend operations that I then consent to and have.  I still stand on the Word based not on what I see, but based on the Word which is what I know.   And none of that detracts from my acceptance of my healing.

You have to do the same thing in the realm of relationships.  Go on what you know which is Word and  promises of God.  Assistance with understanding those things is good. Otherwise you may be swayed by the way the world and media define and misunderstand certain things-especially with relationships.

dd

[1dayatatime]

Hello everyone. In responce to Novelist, I don't know what else to do but hang in there. I'm surely not going to throw in the towel and let the enemy win, God has done too much for me to do that.  Thats why my name is 1 day at a time. Because I can ONLY live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME. And yes I do thank my peers, and family for their spiritual advise, but like Novelist said, It only last for a hot MINUTE because I've heard it so much. I welcome advise, Mr. Dupree, but I don't welcome "God aint sent u a husband because....." crap. Thats what im frustrated about, because like I said the people who are in my life and who loves me just think that they have THE ANSWER.  And, while they are trying to help, they DON'T have the answer. So like Mrs. Dupree said, its all about TRUST. Just live my life, and put the rest in Gods hands. Tomorrow aint here yet, and all I can do just take care of today to the best of my abilities.

Thanks.

[saved]

Hi 1dayatatime!

I commend you for hanging! Sometimes that's all we can do as believers is to hang in there and trust that God will see us through.

Let me ask you this: What advice do you expect those who are in Christ to give you on finding a mate?

Are you more frustrated with your mate not being there - or - your friends being married and seeming to have all the answers while you're single? Are you jealous that they're married and you're not?

I was reading you post and praying for you and these questions came to mind.

[CrownJewel]

Hello Everyone,

I can tag off with everyone's comments.  All on point and relevant.

I would just like to share a funny "vision" that God gave me some time ago.  Someone was speaking words of  encouragement to me to "hang on" to something and I had an instant crystal clear vision of someone "hanging on" to the reins of a horse that was dragging them to death!

Sometimes we have got to let go the reins before something is harmed or killed.  We may be desperately holding onto and carrying out formulas to our own demise.  I am talking only to myself, of course, when I say, "Let God do His thang.  He has authored the greatest love stories ever told."

I am single and full of hope for whatever He has for me.  So, I ain't "hanging on" to nuthing but Him.

[bishopbiscuits]

Howdy all!

..........I am reminded of a piece of advice that I have heard about going to buy groceries: Don't go shopping for food on an empty stomach!
..........The idea being to help prevent/control impulse buying/spending. ( I have been surprised to find what's in my cart at times when I go to checkout if I came in really hungry. And the bill, too?!! ) 
.......We sometimes do similar things with relationships.
.......I thank God for helping me to be able to have peace in my waiting, especially when I was too busy being anxious to realize that He needed to work some things out in me.
........ We are all a work in progress. And we will always be. My plan is to enjoy this season in my life as I work toward some of the practical and personal goals that make me better as an individual, , which will also help me when the time comes for marriage.
.........Be encouraged. Whether true or not exactly on point, it can be frustrating to have too much advice.  
.........And there are times when the desire to be "married " or with someone can get on your nerves. But this too shall pass. How you wait affects your personal state when the waiting is over.
.........So please, take one day at a time. Getting ahead of yourself wears you out, and living in the past weighs you down. Look towards the future, learn from the past, but live in the present. And may you have His peace in the midst of it all.  

[Breathedonme]

Hey One,

My 2 cents as a single mother and parent.

I truly understand where you are coming from, and the things you speak of are scriptural; however, during those lonely times, they just don't seem to "do it." 

After going through so much heartache largely to bad choices and not seeking God first, I am ready to adhere to some of those "formulas."  Now the part about being holy and "perfect," that isn't even scriptural.

FOR ME . . . I've learned my lessons so FOR ME I choose to seek the Lord with all of my heart and to ask and walk in discernment.  I trust His word that there is NO GOOD THING HE WILL WITHHOLD FROM ME.  I just don't want to be so hungry for someone (NOT SUGGESTING YOU ARE) and mess up.

I minister too many women who wanted marriage so badly that they accepted someone that wasn't "the one" and they are suffering.

I just wanted to let you know I am feeling you, but it has been 8 years of being on my own.  I didn't think I could do it, but in Christ I have.  Now I've become so comfortable with coming and going as I choose, not having to answer to anyone (now this can also have a downside).

Sister, I love that you have decided not to give up.  Prayers are with you.

Continue to be encouraged!

[purity]

Hi 1dayatatime!

Just wanted to offer you some encouragement.

I must admit that when I first read your posting I was a bit concerned and somewhat on the defensive since I am a married woman who at times offer my single friends advice (however only when asked). I thought about you yesterday as I listened to a sermon about the Samaritan Woman at the well with Jesus (John 4). It wasn't the scripture that caused me to reflect on your feelings in the post but rather the things the Man of God pointed out about the Samaritan Woman.

Let me encourage you to keep hanging in there - as I always say "we gain so much strength from hanging on."  I can understand your frustrations... I understand that yes sometimes you don't want to hear from your married friends the advice (or what they presume) to be the advice about how to wait on God until your mate comes... especially when their walk wasn't that of a waiter. I understand that shoot sometimes its rough in waiting... espcially when others are quickly moving through the line. It's almost like you look up to Heaven like "oooookay God, I've been down here doing what you require of me and yet my heart desires are no where in sight." Yet even in us feeling this way God know what's best for us!   

I too have felt like you... well I had no married friends but I had friends who were in successful or what I thought were successful relationships. I never got mad at them for their advice since I didn't seek it often but I did wonder when my time would come. (Now I'm about to shout) But thanks be to God he kept me hidden b/c he knew what was best for me.  When my time came it wasn't anything short of a miracle! God TRULY blessed me!!!! I too was not perfect before my husband came but God didn't hold that against me.

So I share all of this to encourage you and to let you know that although you're waiting while others seem to be moving on, God has not forgotten about you.  Rest assure that if God's blessing those around you - you're next in line according to his will for your life!

Be Blessed and take advantage of your singlehood! 

Heeeeeeey Deepwater swimmers! I haven't been swimming in a while! It was great to take a dive!

[1dayatatime]

I think my point has been missed. I was not seeking encouragement to "keep hanging on", or "just wait. your next in line".  I welcome it, don't get me wrong at all. Blessings to all of u for reaching out to me. But I think my point has been missed by a few of you. Maybe I wasn't clear. So it might be my fault. I am a single, 27 year old woman. I have several married friends.  I don't speak to them often because I have things going on in my life and they have families to raise. When I speak to them, they always ask, of course, "are u dating anyone? engaged?" The answer, so far, is "no". THEN thats when I get the REASONS why I am still single. Thats what frustrates me. They think they have the ANSWER. I use to fall for it everytime but i don't anymore. My friends can't fathem on why I am still single, and they are married. They think that it's obvious that it is my fault why I'm still single. So they question my walk with God, they tell me to dress this way, that way, go to more outings with the singles at my church, "if u would just smile more, maybe a man will approach you", I HAVE HEARD IT ALL. And my point is: ENOUGH. I was using DEEPWATERS to vent out my frustrations. I was hoping to find someone who can feel me on this.....
Blessings To All

[purity]

Hey 1dayatatime!

Your point wasn't missed! Your point was very much so understood..... however here at deepwater's not only is advice offered but encouragement as well. (speaking from what I have gathered since joining the site)! Your posting gave others the opportunity to reply and in replying we choose to share what was on our hearts about your topic (one of the reasons the site was created). So although I understand totally where you're coming from (believe me I do as I noted in my posting w/the quote below)...........

I too have felt like you... well I had no married friends but I had friends who were in successful or what I thought were successful relationships. I never got mad at them for their advice since I didn't seek it often but I did wonder when my time would come.

..........I did want to encourage you to keep hanging in there as you stated you were doing in your posting (w/the quote below).

I don't know what else to do but hang in there. I'm surely not going to throw in the towel and let the enemy win, God has done too much for me to do that.  Thats why my name is 1 day at a time. Because I can ONLY live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME

So I understand where you're coming from Sis, however I'm an encourager by gift and when given the opportunity I work my gift in an effort to allow God to work through me and be a blessing to others.   

I dont think the deep waters fam would let you vent without keeping you uplifted! We understand!!!

Be Blessed!   

[bishopbiscuits]

Idayatatime,

...........I understand your purpose in posting better now. And thanks for clarifying 
...........I can  feel you on that one! I can also add to that list of awkward conversations that get started by family and friends sometimes:

1. Do you have a special someone?  (boyfriend or girlfriend question)
2. Do you plan to get married?
3. Would you mind if I introduced you to someone that I think might be right for you?

..........Let's face it: Curious people ask questions.  But these questions are bothersome at times, especially if they evoke a sense of inadequacy/lack of "achievement" in the listener.  And if you hear it and answer for what seems like a hundred times to different folks and yourself, you are bound to be annoyed the next time it comes up.
............People might ask you these questions:?
1. out of general concern/curiosity about your life direction
2. as an opportunity to share what they have learned.
3. to try to gain/confirm a sense of closeness with you ( are we tight?)
4. to create an opportunity to play "guru" to the "problems" in your life
5. To keep up on the "statistics" of your social life (spectator sport mentality; like a fantasy sports fan concerned only with the numbers)
6. any combination of the above
............I had to come to a peace with myself about how I choose to live my life.  When I became secure in my choices and standards for whom I might pursue a romantic relationship with, those questions became less of a burden. [/b]
............Nowadays, I might get that "here we go again" feeling for a moment with the same OLD questions. But I approach responding, as the veteran that I am by now , by using simple statements. I can also redirect the conversation, or just stop that part of the conversation.
..........I don't fear the question, nor feel obligated to try to please anyone with an answer that they want to hear. It is my life.
........ Others have the influence that you allow in your life, but only you can make the decisions. And only you have to live with the results of your choices.
..........Be encouraged!  
.........I have been asked variations on this type of question for a few years longer than you , and unless I feel any worth to addressing a question,  I will not indulge it. 
...........So, I can see where you are coming from. As you have within yourself the confidence to not fear the questions, and the vision of who/what you desire in your life, YOU can ask God, yourself, and those worthy of involvement to help further clarify your path. It all starts with you.  

[Gracious]

Hello 1 day,

I've been following this thread, and I am grateful to you for your openness / honesty!!!

I think we'd be hard pressed to find...ANY... "single" person over the age of 30-35 (male or female) that hasn't had the experiences about which you've written.

It truly amazes me...how society (of almost every ethnicity) views / limits / denigrates singleness after a certain age - to "THE PLAGUE"

...BUT... those same "HATERS" sigh with much relief-pity... should they discover that "DIVORCE"  or SPOUSAL DEATH" lingers as a reason for a individual's "singleness"...ergo, the reason they are...!!!

HOW STRANGE & heartless, a people we can be!!!

I say...as a person who didn't attract "a right spirit" ... within a mate, until I first became secure about "S-E-L-F-"... MYSELF - THAT IS...

...certain people will inevitably / instinctively seek out your weaknesses...like the vain to a mirror - "it" attracts them. 

(Rhetorically speaking of course) ... When I say weakness, I mean...an area / a space within your person that is uncomfortable with whom you are.  If this were not the case...would you care  

I have several married friends.  I don't speak to them often because I have things going on in my life and they have families to raise. When I speak to them, they always ask, of course, "are u dating anyone? engaged?" The answer, so far, is "no". THEN that's when I get the REASONS why I am still single. That's what frustrates me. They think they have the ANSWER. I use to fall for it every time but i don't anymore. My friends can't fathom on why I am still single, and they are married. They think that it's obvious that it is my fault why I'm still single. So they question my walk with God, they tell me to dress this way, that way, go to more outings with the singles at my church, "if u would just smile more, maybe a man will approach you", I HAVE HEARD IT ALL. And my point is: ENOUGH. I was using DEEPWATERS to vent out my frustrations. I was hoping to find someone who can feel me on this.....

[/color]

Finally, when I... (oooops...here comes da' advice  )...get those misguided comments...I snicker to myself...because "THEY" ('dem so eager to share their wisdom regarding marital bbbbllllliiiissss  ) have (if ever) seldom tasted such sweet a nector.

To GOD be the Glory ...

Gracious

[Breathedonme]

Hey 1 Day -

Now that you clarified that -- I AM TRULY FEELIN' YOU.

Some people always have to provide the "ANSWER!"  The are often well meaning,  BUT . . .

What is wrong with being single? 

Anyway, Sistah, I truly am feelin' you.  I'd be a little "FRUSTRATED" myself.