How do I recover from a broken engagement?

[peaceilove]

OOps.

[David Dupree]

Hello Peaceilove and welcome to DeepWaters!


I am glad that you have a friend who thinks so highly of his child.  His child was there before you.  And you must applaud him for his stand toward his child.  Sure the ex is interfering and causing him angst with regards to ensuring that he can see and visit his child.  And until he can get a grasp on it and her, then he is making a hard choice. 

You say you are not sure if his feelings are mutual towards his ex.  At the same time, you do not say that he has indicated that he still has "feelings" for his ex.  As that is his baby's momma, there should be a modest amount of accord that he should give her if they are to coexist in "peace" and raise that child in godly principles.

You should be grateful that he does not desire to bring you into a marriage with ready-made drama.  I am sure that you would be willing to put up with it. :-) But let him get his stuff together...there will be plenty of drama left for you to share in. hahaha.   

In the meantime, there was a lot you two had discussed.  If you really feel like that this is the relationship, then stop being so angry and allow God to work it out.  If God brought you 5 years living Holy without dating, then He would not bring you this far to leave you.  Continue to put your trust in God and realize that your steps...and your exfiance's steps are still ordered.  So what, it is not October....did God say He has changed His mind?  The vision is yet for an appointed time.  Though it tarries; wait for it.  God can still make your enemies your footstool! 

You must remember that when the children of Israel crossed over to the promised land, the land was already inhabitated.  The Israelites had to fight for their promise, but the victory was already theirs.  Continue to trust God. Lean not to your own understanding--or your girlfriends' etc.  He who has begun a good work in YOU is able to complete it. 

dd

[peaceilove]

Thank you for speaking clarity to my situation.  I do feel like God is directing my steps in this situation.  Right now I am just trying to keep my mind focused on Him.  Sometimes it feels like warfare.  I have been praying that God will take away my desires of getting married to my ex-fiancee if it is not His will.    I don't know whether God honors these kind of requests (I believe he does) . . . I just want to desire His will and not my will!

Some days I awake feeling as if I can move forward and enjoy my life, and then other days I wake up feeling sad, defeated and hopeless.  I truly desire consistency in my mind.  This is why I have been trying to satuarate my mind with the word of God as much as possible.  Today was a good day for me (as it relates to my mind and emotions), and I'm praying that tommorow will be even better! Please continue to pray that "I will not lean unto my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him!"  Thanks again for your encouraging words! 

[Sunshine]

Hello Peaceilove,

     To say that I know exactly how you feel would be a complete understatement. I was engaged to the man I thought was my soulmate, my bestfriend, and my true love. We were the best of friends before we began to date. I guess I figured that taking our relationship to the next level would only make it better. I never loved a man the way I loved him. I mean he wasn't perfect or the prince charming of my dreams but he was mine. Or so I thought. I mean I knew what type pf person he was before were began to date, which was unfaithful, unreliabe, and an all out "ladies man." But he was different with me. He told me everything wether I wanted to hear it or not. He convinced me that he wouldn't be like that with me. He said that he had changed. I believed him, I mean what reason did I have not to? We were bestfriends and I did not put any pressure on him about us dating, I actually told him that it was not a good idea. But then I feel for him. We date for abnout three months and things were great. And the unexpectedly he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Things only began to get better. Then he got a job that was out of state, I mean it was rough at first but he came to see me every two weeks and I still thought that everything was cool. We had even made plans for me to move up there with him. I had made arrangements to quit my job (He made 5 times what I did so it made sense), leave my family, pack my things and move thousands of miles away from the only home that I had ever know just to be closer to him. He was supposed to buy a house and have everything ready for my arrival. Then a week before I was to leave he called me one day and asked me for $700, he said he needed it for the deposit on "our" house. At first I said okay, but then I thought abut it. He made more than $5,000 a month and it was just the two days after he got paid. So I asked him what happened to his money and that is when everything blew up. He got mad and told me to just forget it. To forget about us, the house and everything. That he never loved me and that he was only with me for what he could get and that he found someone that knew how to "treat him better." I was so hurt, I mean the love of my life just told me that he used me. He was my first in all aspects of the word and only until we had been engaged for three months. After spending several days without talking to anyone I finally talked to my mother about what happened. To get to the point she reminded me that sometimes God will remove people from our lives for best.  I know very well that it is not easy to hear something like that especially when you are hurting the way that I was. It has been one month since our broken engagement and I FINALLY understand what my mother meant. Sometimes we try to hold on to something that God doesn't want us to have. So be encouraged, hopefully things will get better.

                                        God Bless Us All!     
                                                           Sunshine

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Sunshine. I am pulling out these things not to embarrass you, but sometimes we need to see things in "black and white."

I knew what type pf person he was before were began to date, which was unfaithful, unreliabe, and an all out "ladies man." But he was different with me.

I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, "When a person "tells" you who they are, believe them."

He told me everything wether I wanted to hear it or not. He convinced me that he wouldn't be like that with me. He said that he had changed. I believed him, I mean what reason did I have not to?

The fact that he had to convince you was a red flag in itself. A person cannot change their character for an isolated situation/relationship. What is there is there and will come out.

We were bestfriends and I did not put any pressure on him about us dating, I actually told him that it was not a good idea. But then I feel for him.

Never underestimate the power of your God-given intuition. When you sense in yourself/gut that something is not right/good, that reason enough to pause.

We date for abnout three months and things were great. And the unexpectedly he asked me to marry him and I said yes.

Three months is not even enough time to get to know a person that you are considering for marriage. Especially someone who had the kind of character that you described.

We had even made plans for me to move up there with him. I had made arrangements to quit my job (He made 5 times what I did so it made sense), leave my family, pack my things and move thousands of miles away from the only home that I had ever know just to be closer to him.

Was this move to happen before or after marriage? Just wondering.

He was supposed to buy a house and have everything ready for my arrival. Then a week before I was to leave he called me one day and asked me for $700, he said he needed it for the deposit on "our" house. At first I said okay, but then I thought abut it.

There goes that intuition again! 

He made more than $5,000 a month and it was just the two days after he got paid. So I asked him what happened to his money and that is when everything blew up. He got mad and told me to just forget it. To forget about us, the house and everything. That he never loved me and that he was only with me for what he could get and that he found someone that knew how to "treat him better."

Halleluah! Thank God all of this happened before you got married and moved thousands of miles away and quit your job and left everything that was familiar to you! 

He was my first in all aspects of the word

Wanda Turner once said, "No ringy? You gets no dingy!" 

After spending several days without talking to anyone I finally talked to my mother about what happened. To get to the point she reminded me that sometimes God will remove people from our lives for best.

Thank God for wise, godly mothers who will tell the truth... even when it hurts.

Sometimes we try to hold on to something that God doesn't want us to have.

Amen!

So be encouraged, hopefully things will get better.

I want you to see these things and learn from this so that you never repeat it again. Ask yourself what have you learned from this and what you will do differently next time. Gain wisdom from this and things will indeed get better. 

[Sunshine]

Forum Administrator,

     First of all I would like to say thanks for your words of wisdom. Although it is really hard to hear I know that what you said was the truth. I guess that it is hard to see the obivious when you pretend that it is something that its not. I mean listening to what you had to say makes me say "What in the world was I thinking?!" I am not that type of person. I am not that desperate for love, I have never berfore and will not ever again lower my standards that low and except things that I would not have dared to before. I am not making excuses or anything because I was not "wise" in many of the decisions that I made in that relationship, but I was in-love to say the least, and I still love him, but now I know better. It hurts to hear criticism especially in your weakest moment, so please forgive me if I sound ungreatful, but everyone makes mistakes. I REGRET COMMITING THE ACT OF PREMARITAL SEX, BUT I AM ONLY HUMAN. The God that I serve is a forgiving God and he said that if I repent that my sins will be forgiven. And I am certain that I am not the only one that has fallen short of the Glory of the Lord. I know that I was not right but how can I be judged for that? I am still a strong woman of God. A SAINT IS JUST A  SINNER WHO FELL DOWN, AND GOT BACK UP AGAIN! God Bless you.

                                                    God Bless Us All!!!
                                                            Sunshine

[Forum Administrator]

Thank you Sunshine. "There is therefore now now condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." (Romans 8:1) "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (I John 1:9)

I spoke/speak to you as one who is no longer in that situation; one who has already come through that situation. We cannot learn from what we do not face and when we do not learn, we risk making the same decisions as before.

You are more than just a sinner who fell down and got back up again. This whole experience may have caused you to feel cast down, but you are not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:9). You are an overcomer--more than a conqueror--through Christ Jesus. 

As I said to you in one of your very first posts,

This is one of those life experiences that you can grow from, and I believe you will.