Sometimes, I am revengeful

[Novelist]

Currently, my friendship is on the rocky road of residue and this is not the first time.  In fact, we have gone through this plenty of times.  There has been a silence between us before and sometimes I wonder are we meant to be best friends.  In life, I understand all relationships face obstacles and situations.  However, as a result of what we have faced, I can honestly say that I contributed to those reasons because of my personal problems that would get in the way.  Sometimes, when I call her, she is busy and oftentimes I am furious because I want someone to be available for me and I know this is a wrong mentality.  Moreover, at times I will not answer my phone or stay distant because I want her to experience when a friend is not there.  

Obviously, I am battling with issues of being abandoned and isolated because I have gone through this numerous times.  People are preoccupied no matter what and I have to get passed that.  I know that I could be occupied doing things, yet I make time to call my friends and spend time with them.  Somehow, our feelings are not mutual when it comes to this, so I am doing all that I can to think positive no matter what it seem like, then I am back to thinking about why am I always left alone?  Or she has other important things to do since she has a boyfriend and friends, it would make her life a little more active than mine.  I am dealing with this as honestly as I can.  Sometimes, I want others to feel the pain I go through because they do not understand how it feels to be rejected, abandoned, or the feeling of loneliness.  It escalates to higher degree, especially when I am not feeling pretty or unwanted.  I am working on my self and I have come along way, yet I have more mileage to walk.  How can I rid these revengeful thoughts?  

[Jesaira]

Good evening, Novelist.

Honestly, I believe that you may be a bit co-dependent on this friendship.  I am sure you have heard it said to get to know God as your best friend but it's true!  I have been there, I understand where you are.  In my journey, God removed every support system I depended on.  Many times, we idolize people/relationships and don't even know it.  

As you seek the face of God, He will teach you not to set unrealistic expectations because man will fail you every time.  He will also fill EVERY void.  Put your trust in God.  Learn to guard your heart for out of it flows the very issues of life.  (Proverbs 4:23).  I am suggesting that you throw yourself into the presence of God because in His presence you will find strength.  May I challenge you to come to know God as your eternal security. Jesus Christ the same today, yesterday and FOREVERMORE!!  He alone is the source of everything we need, even emotionally, God knows what you need.  As you grow in your fellowship, God will give you the right perspective as it pertains to healthy, Godly relationships.  Know this, God is faithful and He will add people to your life and they will be an expression of God's love to and for you.

Be strengthened in Him!

God's blessings upon your life,

Jesaira