Making Peace With Your Father

[Forum Administrator]

5 Steps to Making Peace with Your Father
from the book "Making Peace with Your Father" by Dr. David Stoop

Step 1. Wait
Obviously there is no way to specify precisely how long this waiting period should last. One helpful principle is that we should wait at least until our strong impulses or urgency are past - until we feel confident that we can take the next steps peacefully and with self-control. As a general rule, the earlier the loss or injury occurred, the longer the recovery time will need to be. By the same token, the more severe the injury was, the longer it will take to heal.

All our life we have viewed our father as a parent, as an authority figure, as someone who was probably beyond our understanding and certainly beyond our capacity to judge. Only recently have we been able to look at him as a fellow adult.

The fact is, it takes time for us to assimilate all the new information we have discovered and to internalize the new understandings we have developed. We spent years internalizing the old understandings and patterns of relating. We owe it to ourselves to take time to internalize the new ones as well. A waiting phase gives us time to grow stronger, to develop inner confidence that will help us take the remaining steps.

Step 2. Forgive
I can already hear your reaction: "Forgive! Are you kidding? Forgive my father for what he did to me? Don't you understand how badly I've been hurt?

It's understandable that we feel that way. Especially as we become clearer on exactly what we lost in our relationship with our father, our tendency is to desire justice. We want to get even. God understands this desire, and he promises to satisfy it: "He gives justice to the fatherless" (Deuteronomy 10:18 ). The important thing is that we let God be the one to pursue justice on our behalf, not try to take it into our own hands. At this point in the process, our part is to forgive.

How do we know when we are ready to take this step? We know we are ready to forgive our father for the hurts of the past when we are able to be comfortable expecting little or nothing from him in the present and in the future.

Step 3. Invite Others to Share Your Journey
Only after we have completed the step of forgiveness are we ready to take the step of confrontation: to go to our father and tell him what we have been discovering about our life and about his role in it. If we reverse the order - if we confront before we have forgiven - we will inevitably carry expectations that will leave us vulnerable to disappointment and further pain.

The purpose of confrontation is not to blame, unload our negative emotions, punish or get even. To many people, confrontation implies hateful words and acrimonious accusations. This kind of angry scene - sometimes called "parent-bashing" by those unlucky enough to have been on the receiving end - is usually counterproductive. When we are through, the only thing anyone remembers is our anger - not the substance of what we had to say.

The purpose of confrontation is to help bring healing and peace to ourselves and to others. It may or may not bring about reconciliation, but that is not the main point. The main point is to invite our father, as well as other members of our family, to join us in our journey of healing and recovery.

Step 4. Explore New Roles
At this point, we have essentially made peace with our father. We have worked through a process of self-discovery and self-understanding. We have arrived at a point where, having totaled up our losses, we are able to cancel the debt our father owes us.

Now we are finally able to consider what kind of relationship we may be able to have with our father, both in the present and in the future.

It is important to recognize that we are the key person in this step. More than any other factor, the choices we make will determine what kind of relationship we will have with our father. Having acknowledged our pain and anger, having dealt with it and set it aside, we will likely find ourselves ahead of other family members - including our father - in our emotional growth. As such, we become the key person in stopping the intergenerational cycle of sin and hurt that may have plagued our family. We become the pacesetter. The changes that have occurred in us will be the foundation on which our entire family can build.

By dealing with our father issues, we free ourselves to finish growing up emotionally. We look back on a recent trip back home and realize that for the first time we didn't feel like a kid anymore in our father's house.

Step 5. Redeem the Past
We are often tempted, as we see more clearly what we may have lost or suffered because of our father's absence or abuse, to view all those early years as wasted. We look at the pain and wonder what purpose it served. What meaning can it have for us now? It all seems so useless.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. God has a purpose for everything that happens to us. Every experience - positive or negative - ultimately takes its meaning from the way God uses it in our life.

This is not the same as saying that God is the direct cause of everything that happens. God is in the redemption business. He takes the bad things that happen to us because we live in a fallen, sinful world and turns them to our good. When we blame God for our problems, we miss out on the ways God is trying to redeem them and use them for our benefit. That is what the apostle Paul meant when he wrote, "We know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans" (Romans 8:28 ). Another translation puts it more directly: "Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good" (Phillips). Ask God to show you how he wants to redeem your pain by using you to promote the healing of others.

[ethereal]

I had to do this moreso with my mother than my father. A lot of things happened in the brief 5 years that I actually lived with her and when I got to the point where I could be in her neighborhood, on her block, in front of her apartment building and not[/i], go see her, I knew that things were bad. even though this was before I came to Christ, I firmly believe that it was God that caused this thought to come to me: "If my mother died, i would be at her funeral crying. Sad because she was gone and missing her". I made the decision then that nothing that my mother had done was bad enough to excommunicate her from my life. If God were to call my mother home today, she would know that I lover her and that i have forgiven her for the past hurts.

[Tamar]

After being molested by my father when I was younger, I battled a lot of issues and have some that have not been resolved.  I did not grow up with my natural father (he was married to another woman).  I only knew that he existed because I would receive additional gifts at Christmas and on my birthday.  I knew that my mother could not afford all of those gifts; so she finally told me that "my father" had contributed them.  I finally began to realize who he was when I was around ten years of age (when he divorced his wife). He was eventually re-married and I started spending a few days out of the summer with him and his new wife.

The molestation started a few years after I began to get to know my father and his new wife.  I developed what I thought was a good relationship with them, but I could sense that the "father/daughter bond" was not were it needed to be.  I was told that the time that I was spending with my father was brought on by his new wife; She wanted to have a relationship with me and the other children that my father helped produce.  She was my protector.  She did everything she could think of to make sure that my father did not neglect his duties.  She knew of the family curse that existed within my father's family.  He came from a long line of Methodist pastor's who molested their daughters. He and his brothers had continued such a grievous tradition that what was passed down by their forefathers.  My stepmother always told me to tell her if my father ever touched me in a way that was not natural.  How was I to know what was natural or not? I did not know how a father was supposed to touch a daughter.    

Due to domestic issues between my mother and stepfather, I had to spend a few weeks with my father alone.  (My stepmother was out of town for a couple of months)  The first day that I was there, the molestation started.  I thought I was there to be comforted by him because I had just witnessed a brutal fight between my mother and stepfather, but I was sadly mistaken.  The comfort that I received started out with a kiss or two and ended with intercourse.  At first, I thought that my father's touch (his kiss) was natural.  I knew that the intercourse was wrong and I could not do anything to stop it no matter how I tried.  It later became a daily ritual.  I would have sex with my father when he came home for lunch, when he got home for the day and when we retired for bed.  He would come to my bedroom and start unbuckling his pants and I knew I had to join in.  I knew what was happening was wrong, but I did it to retain my father's attention and to get him to love me more (I thought).  I did not realize that this was the reason that I participated in these acts until recently after having an intense conversation with my boyfriend.

I finally got to a point where I was tired of being my father's "other wife".  I told him that what he was doing was wrong and that I was going to tell my mother.  He told me that no one would believe me and that he would tell my mother a totally opposite story. One in which she would later believe.  When I did tell my mother, of course she did not believe me. She was under the impression that I had had a wild week with a group of boys. Boy did I hate her for that!  She was finally convinced that I was telling the truth about what had happened this year (2004). This is the year that I decided that I was going to confront him for what he did to me.  I had thought of several ways that I was going to do it, some of them were too dangerous.  I had several thoughts of killing him, which I knew was wrong, but I was in so much pain.  I finally decided to talk to my stepmother about the situation.  I am sure you are wondering why I did not tell her of this story years ago.  Well I was so sure that she would not believe me, just as my mother didn't.  When I told her, she believed me.  She was upset with me because I did not tell her years earlier.  I was confused by her anger until I later found out why.  My father had molested her two daughters, one in which she shared with him.  She set up a meeting between my father and me and I confronted him and let him know that what he did was wrong and let him know of all of the issues that I had faced and am currently facing due to the act that he had committed against me.  He apologized and told me that he was a sick mad at that time. He also told me that he thought that I wanted it. I was angry for him even suggesting such a sick thought. (This is the part that I was confused about until recently.)   So much took place during the initial confrontation that I had to end up leaving with out accepting his apology and apologizing to him.  My stepmother arranged another meeting in which I finally accepted his apology and apologized to him for hating him and wanting to kill him (literally). I no longer hate him.  I had to realize that he was and still is my father.  I love him for who he is in my life.  I know that I am not the one to judge him or punish him for the awful act that he committed. I was able to finally give it over to God.  I thought about all of the awful things that I had done to hurt God and he forgave me for them.  How could I not then forgive my father for what he did to me?  He wanted to continue a relationship with me, but I said no.  I could not give him a positive answer at that time.

Was I wrong for not wanting to continue a relationship with him?   Does this mean that I have not forgiven him?

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Tamar. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. To answer your question, your not wanting to continue a relationship with your father is not necessarily an indication that you have not forgiven him.

Some people are not "safe" people for us to be around even after we have forgiven them. When you confronted your father and he indicated that he thought that you wanted to be molested by him, he revealed something about the present condition of his heart and mind. As he admitted, he was a "sick" man at that time, but the fact that he even suggested that there was a possibility that a young girl who just wanted a wholesome relationship with her father wanted him to molest her, in my opinion, reveals that he is still not thinking right.

We can and must forgive others for even the most abominable acts that they may have committed against us. As I believe you already know, forgiveness is more for you than your father. You forgive him, not because he necessarily deserves it, but because God requires it of you.

Even when we have forgiven someone, if the person's mindset and behavior has not changed, we then must put boundaries in place that set necessary safeguards/limitations in place so that we are not further wounded or wounded again. We must forgive, and we must also be wise. Also, there are always consequences for our actions. Your father committed the offense, so he must now wait until you are ready and feel safe enough to renew a relationship with him.

The only thing that you need to be concerned about now is that you harbor no resentment or bitterness towards him. Keep your heart clear. Pray for him (from a pure heart) and at the same time ask God to help you to release your expectations of him and instead, look to God to meet all of your needs. Love your father by doing what is in his best interest (that's godly love) and at the same time, be wise in your dealings with him. Your father had the awesome privilege of being God's representative to you as Father. Sadly, he grossly abused that privilege. Until he has admitted and/or demonstrated that he is not the man he was, proceed with caution. (This might be a good answer to give him if he asks you why you are not in "relationship" with him.)

I understand why you would identify with Tamar. But I see you as what the name Tamar means, a beautiful palm tree. A palm tree manages to thrive even when it is robbed of water which is vital to the sustenance of most, and it flourishes in even the harshest environment. You were robbed of the sustenance of a healthy relationship with your father and your environment would have destroyed most... but you have managed, not only to grow but to flourish. Even though there have been attempts to cut you down, just as they laid palms before Christ as He made His triumphant entry into Jerusalem, the very areas of your life in which you have been cut will become instruments of worship as you lay them at His feet.

My prayer for you is that God will fill the void that your father left in your life with His own presence and surround you with people who will nurture you and show you the true love of God.

Psalm 10:14
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

Recommended Resource: I highly recommend the book The Gift of Forgiveness on the Deep Waters resources for abuse page. This was one of the most powerful tools God used to help me deal with my own unforgiveness towards my father.  After reading this book, you will never have to wonder again whether you have forgiven your father or anyone else.