Deep Waters Relationship Advice

Well said! (Nice to "see" you again. )

You are WORTHY (For My Sisters)!

You are WORTHY!

I'll get right to it...so, as society would have it many young girls and women continue to buy into the idea that by showing off "all they mama gave 'em" somehow warrants them as beautiful, worthy=worth it, significant, specifically in the eyes of our male counterparts. So many poor girls' minds are tarnished at an early age with images of women barely clothed and the men that drool all over these same women. Unfortunately, these images translate into a message that reaks "SEX SELLS!", and if you are to be adored, beautiful, wanted, desired, and important you'd better fall in line and start to dress a little more revealing and wear clothes a little bit tighter. So, these little girls grow up and throughout their adolescent and young adult years they spend countless hours pouring over the latest fashion and hairstyle magazines in hopes to become like the women etched in the glossy pages, the women that men want, the women that seem to have it going on...no issues, no problems, and certainly no lack of male prospects! They spend every penny they earn trying to emulate what they see in videos; and some even venture to go into debt trying to uphold an image that in all reality no one really mantains, not even the women in the videos or posing in the magazines.

Yet, that is the side of the story that is often untold. No one tells these young minds that what you see in the magazines and prancing in a video isn't reality. No one tells these young hearts that none of these things at their best guarantee a man's love; yet, at their best these things will perhaps cause a man to stop and stare, may be approah you and even ask to take you out a few times, but never love you! No one bothers to tell these young girls and women that the love they seek really can't be found in any man; yet, only in the only ONE capable of loving unconditionally, without preconceived notions and uninfluenced by society's current popular fashion trend or "it" body type, skin color, hair texture, etc. This ONE is God. He is the only one capable of loving us past our perceived physical "flaws", which to Him aren't really flaws but pure works of artistry. Again, even these young girls and women sometimes find it hard to accept the love of God I believe partly because for so long they've been fed the lies that somehow and in someway who, what, and how they are just aren't good enough UNLESS they act like, look like, talk like, ARE LIKE those that society has deemed as popular, beautiful, or desirable.

No one bothers to illuminate young girls and women's minds with the truth found in Psalms chapther 139 and verse 14. Sadly, there are few even in the church that are willing to speak on these lies and exposing them as such. Instead, oftentimes we perpetuate them because of our own insecurities and lack of self-confidence because of our own lack of true realization of God's truth about who, what, and how we are.

One may ask, "why is she talking about this," and my answer to them would simply be that I've been there and don't ever want to be back there again; and I certainly don't want to see my beautiful sisters both younger and older go through the hurt and emotional damage that belief in these lies can cause. Before coming to Christ, I remember that longing to be liked, to be popular! I felt like I was several different people! I was changing who I was for everybody, just so they'd like me. I'd change the way I dressed, my hair, and even the way I talked...and all of that change was what was currently the "popular trend". And without me even really thinking about attracting guys, they were in the picture amongst these changes, which I didn't realize then, but now I see it was just what society had "promised" to me if I abided by what they said was "hip", "hot", or popular. But, these guys weren't there because of me they were there because of what I seemed to be, which was so far from who I was. To this day those friends and guys are no longer in my life, but they helped me to learn a powerful lesson years after they would exit my life. After coming to Christ, I had to face some hard realizations. The first and one that never ceases to remain is that I/We have been called with a Holy calling, I/We have been called to "come out and be ye separate". I/We no longer have to conform to this World (Romans 12:1,2).

Today, I want to say, YOU are WORTHY my sister both younger and older. You have already been loved with an everlasting love, you've already been validated, you've already been signified by God Himself. He wanted you to be with Him so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die for us all (John 3:16). For many of us He even pursued us for many years wanting to give us the love we had been searching aimlessly for everywhere but in Him. A girl couldn't ask for a better love!

Until next time, ACCEPT GOD'S LOVE & ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE WORTHY BECAUSE HE IS!

Love your Sister-in-Christ,
moderndayesther:)

PTL ALL!

So, I've been away for like 4 or 5 years, whew, that's a long time!!!  College, kind of does that to you!!!:)  Anywhoo, just wanted to take a quick moment to say Praise Him!  It's good to see the virtual "saints" still spreading the wisdom, which if we ever did need it it is in these unpredictable (but so prophetic) times!   

I also wanted to just say, "Be encouraged" to all of the singles!  Especially the single women of God...in these last few years I've learned a WHOLE LOT about women IN THE CHURCH when comes to men...folk get crazy...real crazy!!!LOL  It's so unfortunate that sometimes we get so impatient (or territorial if we've crossed "those" lines with a guy) that we're willing to do whatever it takes to "make" him "want"/"love"...and eventually marry us, and it's all often to no avail.  If I've learned anything these last few years as it pertains to relationships with Christian men it is that which holds true for non-Christian men=whatever you do to "get" him, you'll be doing for the rest of your life to "keep" him.  So, if you must use something why not let it be that which is eternal (like your character, integrity, manifestation of the Fruit of the Spirit, Godliness/Holiness) versus your body solely (which we all know fades with time and gravity!!!)  It's soooo sad to see my sisters in Christ lose their minds over minister dude, minister of music dude, pew-warming dude, drummer dude, quote scripture/don't live it-dude and all of them other church boys...I wish they could know their worth in Christ...that they are jewels to be treasured, cherished, protected, and unconditionally loved in a way that in its most finite way reflects a glimpse of God's love for us all.  If only my sisters would know and believe God when He says, "there's a queen inside you (testimony coming soon)."  As a queen, you are royalty, and as being such you must marry royalty (a king) to keep your title.  As women of God we are queens (royalty)...let us live in this truth!

Welcome Back My Brother,

Hmmmmm...some "tuff-stuff" your dealing with ... Amen &  my prayers are definitely with you & your wife? 

Got a question for you. 

Would you please share with us ... your thoughts regarding the kind of marriage that you would like with your wife?



Gracious

I just started coming back to this site; it has been an enormous help in the past.  I was also quite eloquent. 

In all seriousness, and it may need to be a new topic, I am wondering if I married the wrong person too.  It has been about 15 months, and it's been rocky the entire time.  I thought it was just me, but one of my friends, who has been married for about 2 years, is having the same complaints as me. 

I know God doesn't make any mistakes, and I believe He laid it out for me (whether I should proceed with marrying my wife).  I must be doing something wrong, because this can't be it.

My wife hasn't done anything (that I know of), but she was texting one of her former boyfriends in the past (more than 2 months ago).  It wasn't R-rated or anything, but I told her, when I confronted her about it (found them in her phone) that it was very wrong, and that she was giving her heart to somebody else.  No way our relationship can grow or get better with that going on.  She initially disagreed; her aunt, who she told the next day, apparently was able to convince her that she was (which is another issue altogether).  I just don't get it.

I just started coming back to this site; it has been an enormous help in the past.  I was also quite eloquent. 

In all seriousness, and it may need to be a new topic, I am wondering if I married the wrong person too.  It has been about 15 months, and it's been rocky the entire time.  I thought it was just me, but one of my friends, who has been married for about 2 years, is having the same complaints as me. 

I know God doesn't make any mistakes, and I believe He laid it out for me (whether I should proceed with marrying my wife).  I must be doing something wrong, because this can't be it.

My wife hasn't done anything (that I know of), but she was texting one of her former boyfriends in the past (more than 2 months ago).  It wasn't R-rated or anything, but I told her, when I confronted her about it (found them in her phone) that it was very wrong, and that she was giving her heart to somebody else.  No way our relationship can grow or get better with that going on.  She initially disagreed; her aunt, who she told the next day, apparently was able to convince her that she was (which is another issue altogether).  I just don't get it.

Yeah, I think I'm going to post this as a new topic, because it got long very quickly.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  I have been a part of someone for so long that it is hard to be me.  From all the advice that I have received, it is time to trust in God and be the person that I need to be.  As you said, I cannot change my husband, only he can do that if he wishes.  I can change myself though and look for the positives and greatness all around me.  God bless you all.

Hello imuncertain. You are welcome. Thank you for sharing. Before I share another word, I want to share this scripture with you that has been a backbone of strength for me.

Hebrews 13:5-6 says (in the Amplified version - emphasis mine):
5Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]

    6So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?

I encourage you to let these verses steady you as you go through this storm. Commit them to memory and remind yourself of these promises that God has given.

It is said that it takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to destroy it. I believe this to be a true statement. Your husband has some decisions to make, and I pray that he will make the right ones. Both of you will have to ask yourselves, "Do I want my marriage to work, and am I committed to doing what it takes to make that happen?" Whatever the answers to those questions might be, you will be all right because God is your Helper. Never forget that. Understanding this reality will enable and empower you as you deal with this situation.

I've posted an article Hope For The Broken Marriage that I believe will be helpful to you. Hope is a powerful thing. As long as you keep it in the right place -- not in your husband; not in your marriage; but in God -- you will not be disappointed. We will be praying for you and we're here if you need to post again (and again).

Hope for the Broken Marriage
Jonathan Daugherty

(A 'broken marriage' - in the context I am writing - is one damaged by sexually inappropriate conduct.)

There are a growing number of broken marriages in the United States today. Men, and a rapidly increasing number of women, are falling prey to the schemes of pornographers and a culture saturated in sexual gratification at the expense of moral integrity. These couples regularly lie to each other in order to keep their sin a secret. The more they lie the further they drift apart emotionally. The further apart they drift the wider the crevice of brokenness expands. Given enough time, the chasm between them seems an insurmountable obstacle. Thus, many couples who eventually wake up to the reality of their broken marriage feel they have fallen too far apart for any reasonable expectation of real healing and reconciliation.

As more and more broken couples reach out for help, too many are not finding what they really need to rebuild their relationship. Why? No one seems to be offering them the foundational element of long-term healing: hope. A host of well-intentioned counselors and pastors see a hurting, broken couple sitting on the couch in their office and immediately begin strategizing the best techniques to remedy the numerous problems of communication, finances, or sex they might be facing. What is wrong with this approach? Without casting a vision of hope, the counselor or pastor is simply offering a band aid as the solution for the gaping wound in the broken marriage. Broken marriages need hope for long-term healing and restoration.

There are many challenges to assisting spouses in a broken marriage to embrace hope. First, trust is always damaged in a broken marriage, and as such each spouse is reluctant to move toward the other for fear of being wounded even more deeply. Second, most couples suffering broken marriages have little, if any, ability to communicate well with one another. They have each learned to place their own interests first, thus making communication a tool to manipulate his/her spouse to achieve his/her self-centered agenda. Finally, the sheer distance created between spouses through lying and hiding makes it difficult for the couple to imagine closeness as God designed it.

Does it seem like the deck is stacked against the couple in a broken marriage? Only if you believe God is incapable of dealing them a new hand. And this is where hope must be reborn (or birthed for the first time) for those suffering the broken marriage. A couple must believe that God is able to heal, willing to restore, and desirous to make all things new. Spouses in a broken marriage must embrace the truth, individually and as a couple, that God can bring beauty from ashes and breathe life into their ashen relationship. Hope, true hope, is born in the one who begins to expect God to fulfill His promises even when it appears the situation is beyond repair. Hope sees beyond circumstance and anchors itself on the certainty of God's Word.

So, how does a couple suffering from a broken marriage actually embrace this kind of hope? Surprisingly, this type of hope is gained through brokenness. That's right. The couple who wakes up one day and realizes the extent to which their marriage has been broken is closer to hope than they might know. But such a realization and appropriation of hope cannot come without outside intervention and guidance.

Most couples can experience brokenness without any help from anybody else. In fact, it comes naturally to those who allow sexual sin to infiltrate their union. But hope, healing, and a rebuilt marriage must involve external influence. Of course, there must be the touch of God if true and lasting healing is to occur. But there must also be the instruction and guidance of wise counselors and friends to help a broken marriage be rebuilt. Without such influence the probability of the couple drifting back to old patterns of deception and self-centeredness is virtually certain.

In choosing those to counsel the broken couple, the determining factor is truth. Invite truth-tellers in; reject falsehood. How can such a broken couple determine what is the truth and what isn't? Through the benchmark of truth, God's Word. God never lies. Never. If particular counsel does not match up with God's Word, it is not good for the healing of the broken marriage. And such false instruction does more to damage hope than to encourage it. Truth, though it may require painful self-examination, will always lead to the path of freedom. And freedom (from deception, bitterness, fear, and self-centeredness) is exactly what the broken marriage needs in order to rebuild to a healthy, whole, 'oneness' union.

Why is hope so important in this process of healing the broken marriage? Because without hope it is easy to become discouraged. Healing a broken marriage is not easy. It takes time, sacrifice, endurance, and hard work. When the road gets bumpy it is hope that reminds the couple that their efforts will not be in vain. It is hope that reminds them that God is good, patient, and loving even when this appears not to be true. And it is hope that encourages the couple that what they are working toward will be more beautiful than anything they had in the past. This is the importance of hope for the broken marriage.

God promises a good return for those who invest in seeking hope. Amazingly, the Bible even tells us that we can 'rejoice in our sufferings.' Why? Because 'suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.' (Rom. 5:3-5) The benefit to pressing through the suffering of a broken marriage and pursuing hope to rebuild is that the love of God will increasingly abound. True love, true intimacy, and true joy can be experienced even by those whose marriages have been broken by sexual lust and unfaithfulness.

If you are living in a broken marriage, begin today to ask God to lead you and your spouse to hope. Keep a watchful eye for wise counselors and friends who can help you persevere, build character, and invest in hope. The small steps you take today toward a new attitude of hope will produce long-term benefits that far outweigh the current momentary sacrifice. And even if circumstances do not progress in the manner or time frame you expect, you can know that the hope you gain in Christ is not in vain because movement toward God is always movement in the right direction.

'May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.'
(Rom. 15:13)

Agree with David, don't date any of those types of guys mentioned above. As a matter of fact, I would say be careful in your efforts at ministering to them; it could turn into a different direction(ie, them trying to date you or faking like they've come back to the Lord in order to have a relationship with you). Also, I recently had a similar incident occur where I received questionable information about a long time friend, which sounded suspect. The person who told it was a professional person and an acquaintance of his. Being single is not a struggle. It's a way of life until you are married. Thionk of all the freedoms you have as a single that you flat out will not have once married. You can't just up and travel at the drop of a dime like you can when single....and when children come into the picture, unless you have money for babysitters, you won't be doing much travelling at all! This is the time to develop yourself and grow in God and lead others to God/help them grow in the Lord. Don't waste these years bemoaning the fact that you are not married. Being single can be lots of fun, too!