Deep Waters Relationship Advice

I appreciate your input and agree that I have not made her happy.  This is not for lack of trying though.  There was a time that I was working around the house all the time trying to please her.  Then I transitioned to child care and dishes and picking up after the kids.  We have adopted a child with Fetal Alcohol syndrome and he is a handful to say the least.  Most days my wife is pulling her hair out with him. 

My wife has told me that she really has never loved me, but was in love with someone else she was with for years before me, her first love.  She says the man she is seeing, she does not love in a romantic way.  She admits to only playfully kissing with him, but has spent hours in his house.  There is one more complicating factor he is the biological father of our adopted daughter.  This was an open adoption.  My wife has said multiple times now that she would like to leave and live on her own (with our children). 

My wife is reading a book by Sandi Patti which as far as I know she had an affair and she and her lover both got divorces from their spouses and got married.  She says she apologized to her first husband but is now better off.  I just don't know who you go to, to break your first marriage vow and to make a new vow to honor.  Who is higher than God?

I will and have been trying to love her unconditionally and to make her happy.  I am being pushed away though.  She wants me to do things but not to be with her.  She is irate that I spent a lot of money trying to find out what was going on and will not receive any gifts from me.  I had tried for 2 months to just get the truth from her and what she was doing and she always lied to me.  That is why I went to a private investigator. (This is something she even said I could do, bluffing of course, when she was claiming innocence.)

I appreciate your biblical insight and am going to follow it.  I do ask for your prayers that God would touch her heart. 

Thank you

Hello devistated. It sounds as if your marital house is crumbling. Something has shaken the very foundation of your marriage, but as long as there is God, there is hope. Do not try to build on a foundation that is already damaged. You must lay a new foundation for your marriage. I am working on a new book and it is based on an obscure passage in Deuteronomy 24:5 which says:

Quote5When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year and shall cheer his wife whom he has taken.

This lets us know that in God's view, a husband must make his wife's happiness a priority, so much so, that for the first year of his marriage, cheering up his wife should be his singular focus. Obviously, after twenty-six years of marriage, you are long past that first year window. Also, I'm not suggesting that you quit your job or any such thing; that's not the point of the verse. The point is that God places priority on how the husband treats his wife. This also does not mean that such focus should only be for a year and then tossed out the window. That is also a mistake that is made. This priority must be an ongoing one.

Now, somewhere along the way, your wife became unhappy. Find out why. You may ask your wife, even though at this point, she may not readily offer this information, or it may be so explosive and pushed down within her she doesn't want to deal with it. Ask the Lord to show you. Don't make the mistake of presuming to know what it is that is causing the trouble between the two of you. You may not want to hear what she has to say or what the Lord reveals to you, but humble yourself because God is holding you responsible for your wife's care and well-being.

Whether she opens up to you or not, God has told you, as a husband, how to cheer up your wife. Start with the following two passages: Ephesians 5:25-33a

Quote25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself

Also, 1 Peter 3:7 says

Quote
In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God's unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]

These two verses are a good place to start. We are about to enter into a new year. Dedicate 2010 to cheering up your wife, not with apologies; not with mere words, but with consistent action and with the Word. Anything God commands you to do, He has equipped you to do. Go to Him and ask Him to help you live out these verses. Demand nothing of your wife. This is now about you and what you resolve to do. Make a place in your heart and your marriage that is so welcoming and inviting, she will run into it with no desire to ever leave it.

There is a whole lot more that I can say, but that is the reason I am writing this next book. I will be blogging it online for free so that people can get the help they need. You will get chapter by chapter insights into how to cheer up your wife so stay tuned beginning in the early months of 2010. However, don't wait for the book, start now with the information you've received so far. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to cheer up your wife.

ellajae-

Have you been counseling with your Pastor/pastor's wife, or other counselor about this? Where are you at in your circumstances currently?

I and my wife are both Christians. I mean that we both have confessed our sins and received forgiveness through Christ's blood. We have been married for almost 26 years but my wife appears to be having an affair. She denies it but I had an investigator follow her. She kissed the man and he grabbed her from behind and laid his head on her back hugged her and bent down and bit her bottom.

She has been lying to me about the whole thing.  Even when she confesses something usually I find out that she has still lied about something.

She has been spending blocks of time, 2-4 hours, with him at his house. When confronted she still denies any physical involvement. She says she can't say she will stop going there.

She does say she does not have any feelings for me and is only concerned about our children.

I don't know what to do. She will not go for counseling.

Is there any hope?

What should I do?

I am going through the same situation, and am also a newly wed. I found out on Nov. 10 and we separated 11 days later.

Please understand that when you walk in him, find evidence, etc., these are symptoms of an overall issue that is very powerful: sex/pornography addiction. I suggest you look it up on the internet.

My advice is to rebuke Satan, become a spiritual warrior for your husband. Pray protection surrounds you all as you deal with this. Bury your head in God's word. If you don't know where to start, ask God "What do you want me to know about you God?" then look at the resources you have at hand (devotionals, etc.) I will tell you I am sorry I did not treat my husband with loving kindness and that my behavior appeared to be condemning him when the opposite is true. I understand he's addicted, I understand it's real.

I will pray for you, I know what this is like. I know you're angry. God wants your attention.

My husband and I are currently separated, we have been for a week. There are many issues.......I found some stuff on Nov. 10 that opened my eyes and made me more aware. We were separated on Nov. 22.

What disturbs me is this: he has been taking my things and I don't know where he kept them. When we separated last Saturday, suddenly massive amounts of my stuff showed up....my mother's jewelry (not all of it, but quite a bit), clothes, scented lotions, letters from my Great Aunt Millie, toe socks, underwear......all of these things were not in the places they should've been and I'm wondering if any wives out there have experienced this and if so, what causes it? I'm scared, and I don't know if it should make me scared.

We've been married for 7 months.....

Thank you for responding to my question.   

I see that you TRULY love your bride, in a beautiful Godly way!  GOD bless you my brother!And yes, I 'm sure that we all can understand about those loooong hectic & weary days ... Amen?  Especially with the economy being as it is!

Perhaps you'd agree that both you & your wife are experiencing "A FADING" of your honeymoon season?  You know ... the season that us married folk flow into some time after the "I Do's ... when your blessing (your marriage) FEELS like one great big question mark.  Huh ... Wouldn't it be awesome if our own strengths would rise when our own spouse's weaknesses rise?  That ole' 50/ 50, 60/ 40, 80/ 20 scenario (LOL)! 

Seldom does that happen in "real-life" though!  Most times our own weaknesses tend to mirror those of our spouse's & surface simultaneously ... Amen?  Meaning, one person may have unresolved feelings concerning their own self- worth, while the other person may have unresolved feelings concerning trust ... trust in themselves, which affects their trust in others?  Now, both of the above unresolved issues may appear to be different, however, both of them share a common denominator, which is ... "esteem"(value).  Which is what I'd meant when I'd shared: "...Most times our own weaknesses tend to mirror those of our spouse's & surface simultaneously."  Amen?

Whaal my friend, here's where I've seen many a new married couple make a mistake that may cost them "YEARS" of unnecessary agony ... by setting a dangerous marital tone of continued "perpetuating" discord!  Meaning, many married folk jus' seem to ignore their spouse's involuntary cry for help - hide - WAIT - 'til the coast is clear (because neither one of them know what to do about the other & FEAR doing the wrong thing), and soooo, they both "pretend" with each other.   They "pretend" that the issue(s) - on both sides / with both spouses don't exist ... they just "pretend" that "it" never happened & after a few months, breathe a sigh of relief that they'd weathered that storm.  The only problem with that dangerous stink'in think'in is ... errr ... aaaah ... that those "issues" haven't been resolved, they've simply been suppressed - surely to intensify / compound when both are met with their next set of issues.

Soooooo ... What to do?  Hmmm ...

Perhaps "acknowledgement" will help you?  Acknowledgement of our Creator - God's Inspiration - The Holy Bible speaks that:



My brother, we know that LIFE is full of challenges and hardships-- especially for us Christians & MOST especially for us MARRIED Christians!  But GOD!!!  GOD has proven & shall continue to prove HIMSELF to be "a very present help in times of trouble" for HIS believers.  James 5:13 is an invitation from the Almighty GOD, to the sufferer using the medium of prayer for relief.  Go to HIM through prayer to gain strength & direction & peace, believing that HIS very Presence will take you over.
Yet, what do we do when life hurts us sooo, that we become fearful & confused & we lose our "how to pray"?

Maybe, during these times, it helps to  remember that our Savior (JESUS The CHRIST) not only gave HIS life for our sins ... the bible teaches us that HE ... BECAME sin before HE gave up the ghost - for us!!!  WHY???  So that there shall be no thing too horrible that we can even think about doing ... that when brought to HIM with an earnest contrite spirit ... HE will not forgive.   So even in the midst of your own imperfections ... you can enter BOLDLY into HIS presence - ask what you will ... from your heart ... & it SHALL be given unto you!!!  THAT's the kind of awesome GOD that we serve ... Amen? 

YES, my brother ... YOU are the "priest of your home"!!!  In this season, the Holy Ghost has led me to say to you that the tone within your home SHALL be set by YOU!!!  (With our Deity as "your" God-head). 

Our Deity truly is amazing - the way HE works, because HIS love is soooo all-consuming ... HE fixes all to work together for HIS good. 

Christianthought,

Perhaps you are facing a great opportunity within your marriage ... Amen?  Because you'd shared that:

Quote"I would like to have a marriage where we really have each other's back.  One where she knows I am in it for her, and she is in it for me, so to speak (not discounting God, of course)."

Brutha', those beautiful words touched my heart sooo ... that upon 1st reading them last  evening, I jumped up from the keyboard, went into the family room where my own husband was ... and embraced him from my heart!!!  He loved me back &  said "WOW" - I shared with him, what you're going through & he then encouraged me to write a response to you & asked that I leave you with this scripture:


God Bless you both,


Gracious

P.S.
Have you a Pastor - an impartial spiritual counselor with whom you can confide?  A "man & woman - husband & wife" who have a healthy track record with each other, that both you & your wife could counsel with? 'Cause this is the time when using your eyes tempered by the Holy Spirit will help you!!!  Perhaps praying & asking GOD to open your eyes to see your earthen conduits (those whom GOD has placed before you & anointed to affirm you both - in HIM)?    

Sorry for the long delay; long days are really wearing me out!

I would like to have a marriage where we really have each other's back.  One where she knows I am in it for her, and she is in it for me, so to speak (not discounting God, of course).  I'll be the first to admit that there are things that can be improved, and that things may have not worked out how either or both of us hoped, but if two people are holding to their commitment and giving their all, then bologna sometimes is ok.  I mean, we are not to that point, but you get what I'm saying.

I don't know that she's committed, or rather, appreciative.  We had a conversation a few weeks back where she said that I was just going through the motions, and making the best of a bad situation.  That is exactly what I'm doing, because I'm tired of trying to be married to someone who shows no indication, aside from occasional lip service, that they are happy to be married in the least.

To be completely honest, if time magically rewound 2-3 years, I would not have married her.  I know that it isn't supposed to be like this, and definitely not this early on.

A Date With God 2010
August 19-22, 2010
Panama City Beach, FL

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