GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!

[monica53]

The reason that I am writing today is because I am having some serious issues. I have been struggling spiritually for quite some time now... I NEED RELIEF RIGHT AWAY. There are very few people that I can talk to and when I do they tell me to talk to the Lord. Right now I am pooring my eyes out. I don't want to talk to anyone inside of my family because I don't want to be a source of drama (I'll get into that). I don't talk to my best friend (who is a man) as much. He is in a new relationship and I am trying to back off because we used to date. He has told me that his new girlfriend was a little insecure and again, I don't want to be the source of drama.

My people, I am sick and tired of drama. I am at my wits end. It always seems like something is wrong in my life from the age of six (sorry guys this is going to be a looong post).

When I was six I was repeatedly molested by a guest in our home. I couldn't even talk about that until I was 19 or 20. During this time my parents were separated, but the got back together about a year later.

When I was 8 or 9 I experienced a traumatic event when my brother had the whole bus (including the bus driver) laugh at me and teasing me. BTW, the teasing lasted till I was about 16.

When I was 10 my grandmother died

When I was 11 I was devastated when my sixth grade teacher was arrested in front of us for murder.

When I was 12 I was diagnosed with diabetes,

When I was 13 my pastor who I adored passed away. This started my angry faze. After his death I literally went crazy. My grades were dropping. I began drinking I started cussing and disrespecting my parents. I stared physically fighting my brother. The fights were so bad that the cops became involved after pulling a knife on my brother twice.

When I was 16 I had a dream, or a nightmare rather and I gave my life to the Lord as a result. A couple of weeks later I was attacked and almost raped by a classmate. Though this was a set back, I still wanted to live for the Lord because I knew that he was the only one who could save me. Oh, I forgot to say that during my early teenage years, I self mutilated my body.

When I was about 19 I finally blew and told someone of my past struggles. I know that you are saying, where were her parents? My dad was working and my mom was wrapped up in church and caring for my sickly grandmothers. I don't fault my parents. They did the best that they could. A lot of thing that happened to me they couldn't have known unless I have told them.

I just graduated from college this past May and school was sooo hard for me. First my pastor told me that I would not be able to get into any college other than a community college (BTW, I was accepted to every college that I applied for.). Then I had to deal with my pastor being a chased bi-sexual....... He was drinking too. On top of that people were pulling at me, trying to control me, gossiping about me, and do you know they rebuked me when I told my testimony of how God delivered me out of my mess (I didn't share all details and I wasn't inappropriate or out of order... This church is just EXTRA!) Oh, and on top of this I worked too!

Lately, I have really been struggling to stay saved. There have even been times where I literally turned my back to God and told him to leave me alone (a dangerous place to be huh). But God, who is so gracious, keeps tugging at my heart telling me that he still loves me and that he cares even if I don't.

About a week and a half ago, I found out that I have a 15-year-old sister. Apparently my parents separated because my dad was having an affair. When my parents decided to get back together the mistress told my dad that she was pregnant. My mom knew about the child and prayed to God for the direction. God told my mother to stay with my dad and he would save him, Last year my dad was saved and now is taking his place as a man of God.

I have been talking to my sister via myspace for about the last week. She seems sweet, but I don't trust the mother. I know my dad is madly in love with my mom and that is assuring to me.

I want a relationship with my sister, but I don't want my issues to flow over into her life. My dad says that we are in some ways alike. I want to help her, but I am not fit to do so.

I need help!!! I have done everything that I know how to do. I have prayed, fasted, read my word, sought council; I even left my former church (I am now looking for another church home). Every time I talk to someone they say pray, fast, read the bible.... I have done all of those things.... I need some serious guidance. Saints I am almost at the point of having a serious meltdown... Most people who know me would say that I am sweet, funny, free-spirited, loving and beautiful... Now don't get me wrong, I am these things, but they aren't a reflection of how I feel inside.

I am going to be real honest of how I feel about myself. I feel dumb, stupid, unvalued, overlooked and useless... Sometimes this shows through some of my actions.

I am tired of feeling angry, jealous and beneath other people. I am tired of the constant fight inside. I am tired of living beneath the standard of holiness just because others are.

Y'all this is coming from a woman who was reared in the church and had two loving parents in the home. I know if I can feel like this no one is exempt maybe this will help someone else as well.

Please don't give me "you are fearfully and wonderfully made"  or "he won't put more on you than you can bare"


I appologize for the letter being so long. Most of my feelings have been bottled inside for years.. This is the only avenue that I have to release.




On the verge of a mental breakdown


P.S. I was typing fast... Please forgive the typos

[christianthought]

No worry about the typos.  We won't bust you because of that. 

There is a lot that has gone on in your life, and I am sorry that you had to go through it.  I can give some kind of spiritualizing of your circumstances growing up, but that seems quite trite.  It was a hard time, and I wish you didn't have to go through it.

Almost.  The thing about circumstances that are negative on the surface is that they bring us to the point that we are.  You are a saved, beautiful woman, and although you came through some terrible things, it has made you into a beautiful, anointed person.  God's hand is on you, and that's ok.  You have overcome obstacles that many of us have never come close to experiencing, and although they were very negative, you are strong because of them.

Everyone has a crisis of faith at one time or another.  You show me someone that hasn't, and you are showing me a person that is not grounded in their faith.  We all go through it; heck, even Jesus, John the Baptizer, and all the "Faith-heavyweights" in the Bible went through these crises.  They are normal, and what you are experiencing is a normal thing.  Don't try to fight them or invalidate them. 

I don't want to wax on, so I will address the big picture, and try to hit a few of the things you mentioned.

You are not your own; you were bought with a price.  And Jesus saw the worth of you; if you aren't seeing it, then you aren't seeing yourself through His eyes.  That is problematic, because if you aren't seeing you through His eyes, then most likely you aren't seeing much of anything through His eyes.  You need to change that.  First, I would advise finding a solid, Bible-believing church in which you can fellowship.  I don't know in what area you live, but whenever I am out of town, I always look for a Calvary Chapel (www.calvarychapel.org )  Most of the people there don't look like me, but I know that they are solid and Bible-based.  That is very important, as you need to be in an environment where you can worship without all of that other stuff for at least a little while, or even occasionally.  That has always helped me when I felt that I was melting down.

Also, you have to realize that you just graduated, and that is a transition point in your life.  Things are going to be a little unstable to some degree, because you just finished what you have been shooting at for the last (at least) 16 years.  What are you going to do?  This can be very frustrating and disorienting.  It was for me also.

Sorry, I am making this kinda long.  But anyway, you mentioned that you tried reading, praying and fasting.  How exactly do you try it?  This isn't some kind of "trial period" thing.  Do you hear God's voice and/or leading when you pray?  I know He is silent when He wants, and that is His perogative.  But I have always noticed  in my life that whenever things just become too much for me, at the very least God gives me peace.  Sometimes my tears are my prayer, but He always comforts me and lets me know He is there.  And His presence is more comforting than anything.  Which leads to the question: if you are not finding comfort in God, in what are you finding comfort?  Are there habits that you have developed or are "trying out" to soothe that inner ache?  Be mindful of that.

To wrap this up, I would suggest that you get away for a little while.  Even if you can do a weekend, or even one day, I think that would help.  Just you and God.  Sometimes we need to take a second and rest, and if you just graduated college, chances are that you haven't done that.  I don't mean sleeping in for a day; I mean literally leaving the metro area of where you live, and getting away from everyone you know for a short amount of time to refresh and "reset," so to speak.  Talk to God, and let Him talk back to you.  Get His perspective on things.

Lastly, you need to get involved in ministry.  All of your intention is turned upon yourself, and we weren't made to do that.  If you close off the end of a water hose completely for any period of time, it will eventually burst.  Water hoses were meant to water other things, and they get wet in the process.  We were meant to spread God's Word, mercy, and love to other people.  I have found that if I take care of other peoples' needs and hurts, God takes care of mine.  It's not about being busy; it's about being a channel that God's Spirit and power can flow through to help others.  You will find yourself being helped in the process.  Believe me; it works!

I hope this helped;  and Administrators, I apologize if I overspoke, and submit all of this advice to you.   Please correct me if I am in error at any point of this.

[monica53]

I understand that prayer, fasting and reading the word of God is not a trial period, but a lifestyle change. I have adapted this lifestyle and have been keeping up with my spiritual disciplines even till this day.... I am just a lost cause.

I am involved with my chruch organization on the state level... I am also involved in other actovities ang groups. I am constantly helping someone else. Everything you named in your response I have done and still doing.

I am not really in a transition period. Yes, I did fininsh school this year, but I have maintained a steady government job for the past 4 1/2 years. I am planing to buy a town house or condo within the next year.... My external is fine. That is why my situation is so complex. An exterior situstion is easily manipulated... My issues are of the heart, mind and spirit (please don't tell me that I have to renew my mind... I know that.. please don't tell me to surrender my heart... I know that. ... How else can you do these things, but through prayer, fasting and the word of God).

I wish that you are really sensing the seriousness of my fustrations. Am I praying wrong? Am I reading incorrectly?

I have found no comfort... I haven't picked up any habits.... I keep all this built up inside of me ... I don't release.. Lately, I have been going to the gym trying to release tension.... Actually, I take that back. I have been quite mean lately.

Changing the subject, I don't know how to go about a relationship with my sister. I am suppose to meet her on this Satuday. I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing.

[David Dupree]

Monica, 

The first thing you have got to do is change your language!  Whatsoever things are lovely, just, pure or of good report, then think on these things.  (that is a paraphrase...in too much of a hurry to look it up. )  Then the 2nd thing is to begin to call those things that are not as though they were.  Then you next need to take authority over your circumstances and surroundings. Command them to be what and how you want them to be.  Just as Adam had to speak, we have to speak. 

You are in a classic position for one God wants to move to the next level.  But the key to making it through this test is to be steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing that your labor is not in vain.  Therefore, don't get weary in your well-doing; you shall surely reap if you don't faint. 

You will come out...if you pass the test.  Just be sure you stay in the furnace of affliction until the Lord tells you to come or brings you out.  It will be easy to hear Him because He is in there with you.  Be confident that He who has begun that good work in you is able to complete it. 

I pray right now that God restore unto you the JOY of your salvation and your FAITH in Him in the name of Jesus!! 

Yes you have had many experiences down through the years.  But just know that God is able to use all of that for His glory.  Count it all Joy that you were the one able to go through it and that now you will be able to help others through it who need that helping hand.  But you must complete the journey.  Your turnaround is on the way.  Please don't extend your time with disdain for the process.  Don't swim upstream like the salmon.  Go with the current.  Meaning go with the Holy Spirit.  Water is symbolic of the Holy Spirit. 

How do you meet your sister and begin a relationship?  You take it one minute at the time.  It ain't in the Bible, but the words of this secular song ring in this situation:  don't push it, don't force it, let it happen naturally.  It will surely happen if it was meant to be. 

You are not going to have a meltdown.  But you are going to have a breakthrough!!  You have what you confess.  Change your confession from meltdown to breakthrough.  And receive it in Jesus' name.


ddupree

[Breathedonme]

Hi Monica,

I've sent you a personal email.  Please check your email.  God bless!!!!

[Breathedonme]

Good morning Sister Monica,

I received the following this morning.  It doesn't (possibly) answer your question regarding your sister, but I hope it blesses you and isn't too preachy (I ask that you draw your attention especially to paragraphs (c) and (d)).  The entire piece spoke to me and I wanted to share it with you (it's a little lengthy).

Have a great day in our Lord!

Time For A Spiritual Check-up
Bishop E. Earl Jenkins

"I am praying...your body is as healthy as...your soul." 3 John 2 TLB

We all know how important physical health is; here's a plan for keeping your soul in shape:

(a) Don't question your faith, question your doubts. We spend too much time dwelling on our misgivings, experiencing faith as an occasional flash-in-the-pan. God's promises are for 'believers.'

(b) Don't be a 'lone ranger.' It's no accident that the Old Testament contains the story of God's people, and that the Epistles were written to congregations. We grow as we relate - not isolate!

(c) Guard your thought life. If your "thinking is controlled by the sinful self, there is death. But if [it's] controlled by the Spirit, there is life and peace" (Ro 8:6 NCV). Practice mind management!

My little commentary (smile):  When we allow the dirty, stinking thinking of our enemy to tell us that we are worthless, invaluable, etc. and WE ACCEPT THIS, then we are counting God as a liar because He say we are wonderfully and fearfully made.  It is a battle, but we have to transform the negative with God's talk, as our brother said in his previous post.  Remember, you've had years upon years of training to make you believe you are worthless - now is the healing time.  Be patient and fair to yourself - you're worth it and THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!

(d) Fall asleep and wake up immersed in gratitude.  It'll transform your day. "In every thing give thanks!" (1Th 5:18).

(e) Ditch anything that distracts you from God. Toss the junk reading material, and if you've got the guts, throw in the TV!

(f) Always err on the side of mercy. Philip Yancey writes: "I marvel at the humility of a God who descends to live inside...his 'flawed' creatures...Do I show that same attitude towards people of whom I disapprove?"

(g) Be specific and don't revert to generalities when discussing your faith. Paul wasn't "ashamed of the Gospel" (Ro 1:16); neither should you be.

(h) Be gracious to the people who irk you. God chose them too! Sometimes it's easier to be gracious to non-believers than to uptight, moralistic Christians. But that just makes you a different kind of judgmental.

(i) Forgive those who've hurt you. Harboring hatred hinders healing, so bring your hurts to God.

[La Tonia Taylor]

Dear Monica,
Since you have sited that you were reared in the church and people have been quoting scriptures to you, I won't do that. You already know them. You've already heard them. One thing is for sure is that you are not being punished nor have you been dealt a deck of cards meant for your oppression. God loves you! You are loveable despite being a spiritual being having a human experience.

The first thing that came to me (in spirit) while I read your note, is DO NOT TELL THIS STORY AGAIN!!! While you want others to understand the depth of your pain, it is an item by item list that will disempower you and feed your feeling of overwhelm and helplessness. Your power is in the present moment and on some level your soul knows that because you asked for support! Also, applaud yourself for taking a risk to seek it from unknown sources.

What I want you know is that you are not alone! Many of us felt in our early 20's like we were going insane. This is a developmental stage where you are normally (which is relative) trying to make sense, sort through and find your way of what you've experienced in your family, community and now, the larger world. Please hear or receive this: you are NOT broken! You do not need to be fixed!!! You may require some encouragement, you may desire some positive nourishment and you may long for some answers to the specifics you shared, yet you are not broken, wrong or cursed. Take a breath and let go of a belief of  a God waiting for you to mess up. We place on God our human attributes and ego-driven understanding.

A few things, I will share with you:
1.)  Molestation and any other trauma, when not addressed can lay dorment in our mind, body and spirit. Consider therapy simply for tools and building new coping skills. Therapy, coaching and/or support groups is NOT a bad word.
2.) Your parents' relationship is none of your business. Sure they may have made choices that affected you and your siblings. Parenting is not easy. Marriage/relationships require alot of work, attention and refining. Surrender judgment. This is a weight you do not have to carry.
3.) Cutting/Self-Multilation is a signal of all of the internalized pain, anxiety and anger that is to be released. It becomes a habit. You must find support to first break the habit and re-condition yourself to respond differently to that pressure when it builds up inside. You can over-come this!
4.)  Church and church communities have people who also have been hurt and are afraid to address their own concerns. Scripture quoting, fasting and prayer are all very relevant and powerful. It is even more powerful when we use proven modalities that address "specific" patterns in our thoughts, words and deeds. You will reach a cross-road where you will have to choose, with discernment, who you empty yourself and your story for assistance.
5.)  The same way you made a list of each hurtful events of your life. Daily, morning and night, list those things that you are grateful for. Start with the obvious. Stay with the simple. God will open the rest inside of you. You've already mentioned that you had good parents and you had a bright personality. Surround yourself with positive, fun people who may have been through something also but CHOOSE the best part. Go to your nearest library and find books with exercises that can support your healing process and address your specific issues. Choose only one, first. You will be surprised at how it lends to the other.

There will come a time when you will minimize looking for everyone outside of you to give you "the" answers. Take what you can use and feels right/loving versus what shames, scares or guilts you to action. I strongly recommend finding a neutral professional to collect and gather yourself. Commit to the process. It may be, no. . . it WILL be uncomfortable. . .should you choose this route. Stay with it! The only way out is through. Now is the time, all of this is up for your healing. Any other painful events to follow will be a result of NOT dealing now. Not, God!!!  Freedom from anything sometimes means that you will have to seek it. When I have been in your shoes (and I have been in your shoes), my own therapist reminded me of Phillipians 4:6-9 The Eugene Peterson version.

I pray that this is the start of a new internal and external conversations for you.

NAMASTE
(The Divine in me acknowledges The Divine in you.)
La Tonia
Spiritual Life Coach, Minister and Healing Advocate
www.rebirthinternational.net

[monica53]

Ma'am with all due respect I have not excepted a lot you have said. The reason that I am like this is because I don't tell my story and I rarely talk about it.

"Cutting/Self-Multilation is a signal of all of the internalized pain"

Well I need to talk it out and stop internalizing my pain. Lady, you do not understand the severity of my issues. If I didn't talk about it when I did, I would have killed myself long ago.

"I strongly recommend finding a neutral professional to collect and gather yourself. "

"Therapy, coaching and/or support groups is NOT a bad word."

Is it just me, aren't you suppost to talk in these meetings? How could they help me unless I tell my story.

Deep Waters is here to be a support, which is why I told my story in the first place. I WILL keep telling my story until I get help.

Therapy......... been there, done that. How I am I suppose to get help if I don't talk about my story?... Lady, you don't know me, you are not in my shoes, and you obviously don't understand how I feel. I cannot afford therapy. I cope the best way possible.


If you thuroughly read my letter you will see that my concern was not with my parents relationship. It was more with my sister, so the comment about my parents relationship was not even necessary.

You were really off base with your response, but I thank you for taking the time to respond.  I have to be truthful and say that I was very disappointed in your response. Stop looking at my letter with your eyes and look at it with your spirit.

I hooked up with someone off of deepwaters who saw my cry with her spirit. It is something deeper and you are not seeing it.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello Monica53. Deep Waters is here for exactly the reason you posted: to support and encourage you. I'm glad that someone has responded to your spirit and you are finding the encouragement you need. That's one of the beautiful things about the Deep Waters family: there will always be someone who can identify with and/or relate/minister to the need and that's what makes what we do here work. We welcome your truthfulness and transparency.