IM HAVING RELATIONSHIP ISSUES...PLEASE HELP

[NETA72]

I HAVE BEEN WITH THIS GUY OFF AND ON FOR 2 YEARS NOW AND BY OFF AND ON I MEAN THAT FOR EIGHT MONTHS YEAR BEFORE LAST WE WERE NOT TOGETHER BECAUSE HE COULDN'T COMMIT. WE STILL TALKED TO EACH OTHER AND HUNG OUT WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE I WAS HAVING HIS BABY. HE WAS INTO HIS STUFF AS IN DATING EVERYONE UNDER THE SUN, BUT STILL TALKING TO ME. I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THIS INFO AT THE TIME UNTIL I RAN INTO A GIRL HE WAS WITH AND GOT ALL OF THIS INFO. I STOPPED ASSOCIATING WITH HIM AT THAT TIME. JUST THE OCCASIONAL CALL FROM HIM ASKING HOW I'M DOING. AT THIS TIME I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME FORGIVING, BUT I FINALLY DID. RIGHT BEFORE I HAD MY BABY HE CALLED AND APOLOGIZED FOR EVERYTHING. I HAD ALREADY FORGAVE HIM SO I WAS OKAY. FOR A LITTLE BIT AFTER THAT WE BEGAN TALKING AGAIN ON A FRIENDLY LEVEL AND ENDED UP GETTING BACK TOGETHER.  HE IS CURRENTLY IN THE NAVY AND I AM REALLY STRUGGLING WITH THE TRUST ISSUE. I AM ALSO STRUGGLING WITH THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T PLAN ON SPENDING HALF MY RELATIONSHIP AWAY FROM HIM WHILE HE IS GOING FROM CITY TO CITY. I ADMIT THAT HE HAS CHANGED A LOT SINCE THE YEARS BEFORE, BUT THE QUESTION I HAVE IS...IS IT WORTH IT. I'M STRUGGLING WITH TRUST AND HE'S NOT AROUND. HE SAYS THAT HE IS DOING THINGS FOR HIS DAUGHTER AND THAT I HAVE MADE HIM LOOK AT HISSELF AND CHANGE CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT HIM, BUT I'M STUCK AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.... PLEASE HELP  

[Forum Administrator]

Hello NETA72. Thank you for your question. Trust is an issue that many are struggling with, and it's a very important issue.

To borrow from my recent article, Trust Issues (in the Catch of the Day section of the forum), trust is vital to the good success of a relationship. It allows us to feel secure and gives us hope. When we trust, we do not feel suspicious or threatened; we are able to believe the best. We build trust based on our expectancy of the one with whom we are involved to be faithful.

It's important to note that apologizing for one's wrongdoing is not the same as changing one's behavior. If trust has been broken, a consistent commitment to faithfulness over time will be required in order to regain that trust. The fact that you are still not certain that you can trust your guy-friend may indicate that you are not yet convinced that he is committed to a faithful relationship with you.

This, however, does not mean that you are stuck. You are not without options. While you may have a connection with your guy-friend because of your feelings for him and/or because of the child you've had together, I have not read anything in your post to indicate that you are obligated to be bound to someone you don't trust.

Re-evaluate your options. Use this time of separation to think about what you really want in a relationship. Fidelity should not optional. You will not be able to confirm or deny your guy-friend's commitment to fidelity right now because of your current feelings of distrust, and your present circumstance of being separated. If you want to see if you really have something worth building a relationship on, you can choose to do that after he returns from his tour of duty. Then you will be able to observe his behavior over time and see if there are any grounds for your distrust. You are not obligated to do this... the choice is yours, but count the cost before you build.

It takes two to have a relationship, and both need to be assured of the other's commitment and fidelity. Don't compromise your own mental and emotional (or perhaps spiritual) well-being for the sake of being able to say that you are in a relationship. It's not worth it. Until you can be certain that trust is not an issue, don't obligate yourself to the relationship. Think about what you really want to do, communicate your thoughts and intentions to your guy-friend, and live your life with the options that are available to you.

If you need to "talk" this through some more, feel free to add to your post. That's what we're here for.

Recommended Resources: Please read my article Deeper Than The Down-Low also in the Catch of the Day section of the forum.

[IAmBecauseHeIs]

If I can add my twenty-cents from a different standpoint...single-parenting

Examin your heart to make sure your desire to keep things going and possibly overlook the trust issue isn't fueled by our inate desire to raise our children in a two-parent household.

Speaking from experience, I remember bending over backwards, forwards, sideways and sometimes inside-out to overlook principle things because it was my desire to MAKE my relationship and my son's existence  right before God. Once I realized that ALL life be it inside the blessings of marriage, or outside is a gift from God...the things I once overlooked were no longer things I could let slide. And because God blessed me with the awesome task of raising a life He foreordained...I knew that God and I could do it...even if the father and I couldn't.

Trust is hard enough to earn the first time...sometimes it's almost impossible to regain once it's been broken. Because the two of you are separated, he doesn't have the consistency needed to rebuild that trust right now.

Piggybacking on what the moderator shared...use this time apart to your advantage. Fall in love with Christ...not that you don't love Him now...but love Him with the intensity you would expend in a human relationship. When you arrive in that wonderful place where it is Christ, you and your daughter...God will do what He does best....Love you and give you the very best.