"Just Friends" is just a lie

[1EagleSky]

Perhaps there are others in this forum who can relate to what I'm about to say.

I recently told a man I'd maintained a "friendship" with that I could no longer continue a relationship with him, because I still had romantic feelings for him, and to stay in such a situation under the guise of friendship was very unhealthy for me. A year ago, I told this man of my romantic feelings for him the 1st time. He said he appreciated my honesty and that it certainly took courage, but he only saw me as a friend, and  that my admission shouldn't be anything to feel bad about, nor should I feel like I had to walk on eggshells with him because of it.  He said we could continue to remain friends. It was always me doing most of the work to maintain this friendship, plus, though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I still had romantic feelings for this guy.

Finally, this weekend, I wrote him a letter and shared with him that I thought it was time for me to discontinue our relationship, not only because I still had romantic feelings for him, but also because this had been a pattern in my life for a very long time. Everytime I was romantically attracted to a guy, I would get anxious, and instead of being patient and waiting to see what would develop and if the guy would initiate and approach me first, I always had the mindset of "Well, it's now or never, so I'd better introduce myself to him". From this, "friendships" would develop that really weren't friendships at all. They generally were one sided and maintained by me most of the time. Usually, when I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked him, he'd say he was flattered but didn't like me in a romantic way, and only liked me as a friend. The "friendship" would continue, but after the admission of having romantic feelings for them, things slowly went downhill, and the relationship usually terminated altogether when the guy announced he was getting married or  had a girlfriend, and things were getting serious.

I am hurting about this decision, but I had to do it. I probably could have just stopped contacting him and not said anything about why, but then, it would have been too easy for me to just get back in contact with him with no questions asked. I shared why I had to do it, hoping he will understand that this was an unhealthy pattern for me that needed to be destroyed. At the same time, I wanted him to know that I wasn't blaming him for anything.

Sometimes, we fool ourselves by doing things our way and saying "God was in it", but if I put my hand on it and try to work everything out in my own power, then God's anointing is not on my decision at all. Things have been worked out in the power of the flesh, and as a result, I wind up getting a fleshly "blessing" instead of a true blessing from God.

Guys and girls, listen up....Girls, if you're friends with a guy, but you really have romantic feelings for him and he doesn't know it, don't tell him. Back off . This is very helpful to do. Guys, if you're friends with a girl, and she admits to having romantic feelings for you, kindly but very directly tell her you don't have romantic feelings for her, and that it would be best if you two ended your association, because to continue it would make it seem like there could be a chance (in her mind) that maybe you will one day feel as she does. It may seem cruel, but in the long run, it will be a blessing to her and you.

In the 1st place, women shouldn't be the ones initiating romantic relationships with men. Save yourselves a lot of sad moments by following this advice!

[Rosey926]

I have been in a similar situation before and currently and i do believe that bluntness is necessary; without it one tends to hold on to hope. Unless someone is told  ( in a kind way of course) that it will never be, then the person with feelings will imagine that there is still a possibilty for a relationship. I know first hand that unrequited 'love' oftentimes feels like torture. It can eat away at you spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I understand where you were coming from when you spoke on your feelings of urgency and attempts to initiate romantic relationships with men, and i also know first hand that they've yet to work out for me .  At the present i don't really think that most male-female friendships are strictly platonic.  I believe that oftentimes there is an intial attraction on the part of at least one of the persons that sparks a developing 'friendship'. These type of friendships can be very misleading and hurtful in the end,  if at all possible i would avoid situations such as these.  In dealing with issues like these i've learned that if a man is interested in you, there is no need for initiation on your part, he will eventually let it be known. 

[Novelist]

Hello All,

I can relate to both situations because I have been there and going through another episode with someone right now.  1EagleSky,  I know that was not easy for you because when you have romantic feelings for someone, how do you make it go away?  It becomes a part of you and when you have to let go, it hurts.  I had to let go of men who were unhealthy for me and it seem as if I encounter one after another.  Admitting your feelings to someone is a risk because they can receive or reject you and most times, we are scared of the rejection.  The fact that you tried to maintain the friendship was not enough because your heart was involved with him.  In my situation, I like this man who is 37 years old, which he is ten years older.  I met him back in february and thought wow, he is cool, but it is looking different now.

He calls me sometimes, but he is too busy and I cannot deal with it.  I understand you have to work, take care of your responsibilities, which he has children.  Despite of all of this, I knew that it was not going to be easy for us to hang out all the time, but this man is not available not even once for me and that is the hurtful side.  I want to tell him how I feel honestly so that he will at least try to understand from my view, but I am not sure when to bring it up because each time we are on the phone, our conversations are short and that is another thing that bothers me.  Why am I placing my feelings on the line again for someone who is not making any time for me? I am to the point of no return.  Would telling him the truth about my feelings in addition to ending the associate help me?  I am not rushing things, however, if you want to pursue a friendship or relationship with me, why am I getting the busy signal all the time? 

Friendship and relationships are important to me, but when I feel like you are making time for me and everything is important except me, I become distant and react in a negative way because deeply I want it to work.  I am not sure if I should say something to him or not, but I will ponder on it a little bit more.  Again, we are alike in this forum because I was identifying with mostly everything that was shared.


Novelist.

[Breathedonme]

One thing I have found to be true as I am aging (LOL) is that men will find time to do what they want to.  Well, let's be fair -- women and men find time for what they really want.

I just believe that God has "that person" for you and He will help to make things plain.  This "pattern" isn't good and you deserve only the very best.  Continue to lean on God for ALL things in your life and He will direct your path.  In the interim, continue to seek God asking Him to give you discernment (or sharpen this gift if you believe you have it).

I have had some great friendships with guys and they were platonic.  Sometimes a couple of them would veer off if they were hurting or going through something, but I understand that human tendency.  I don't think they are being hypocritical or anything.  It would be a moment of weakness and that would be it.  I wouldn't entertain it and the relationships are cool.  One "brother" in particular -- we've been friends for almost 2 decades and it would seem "nasty" (LOL) if we tried to "be involved.  My testimony is that men and women can have platonic relationships.

Sister, don't be discouraged . . . remember, sometimes God allows doors to close so you won't get the boobie trap surprise, but the wonderful gift He has in store for you.  Remember, He knows the plans He has for you . . . plans for good and not for evil . . .   

Be encouraged!

[Novelist]

Ladies and Gentlemen who are reading, I had my share of disappointments because men have simply shown no interest in me.  Of course, they want to talk on the phone sometimes or just come by and sit in the car, but what is that going to do? We are not going anywhere, so why should I take it lightly?  Ladies, I understand your story because I am living through that episode right now.  In the past, men have not treated me well and that has not changed now.  Most of the time, they rarely show interest and that was my fault for allowing my feelings to get too deep.  My feelings were hurt for a long time and it definitely makes me think about how important I am to them.  Most women would think the same way if they were always pushed aside, no one is making time for her, not feeling special to that person, it makes you think, "Am I good enough?" and "Why am I always feeling lonely?" I want to have meaningful friendships, but honestly, I have so much to learn because I have allowed myself to become dependent on men to compliment me and accept me.  For some reason, I have a hard time getting a decent date to go out and show me a good time, nothing less.  Sometimes, they say, "I want to be friends", but what do they really mean when they are making moves on you? 

Ladies, I am not happy with my relationship with men because I have not connected with anyone on a genuine friendship level and that bothers me.  Do I have the chance to form a good relationship in the future and will it ever happen is my main question.  Men are focused on making money, money, and more money, but will not balance their time.  It is fine to make your money, but can you take me out sometimes?  What is the problem with that?  Everything is an excuse.  I have kids, I have to work, I am busy, I am busy, I am tired.  It is the same thing everytime and I am scarred by this.  Does this sound familiar to any of you?  1dayatatime, you are correct about him approaching you and asking for your number, but he will not make time for you.  That is not considerate at all.  I am experiencing the same thing.  I was on my way out of the door until he approached me and asked me for my number.  Like you said, "if u knew you didn't have time for a companion in your life then why did you approach me? Cause my life was fine before you even came in my face.  I am 27 years old and the way I view relationships whether friendship or more, I believe you should make time.  No one is too busy to make plans every once in a while.  That is an outdated excuse and he should not call you if he is going to play games like this.  Relationship with men have been a bad experience for me, so I don't know when I will find a cool friend to laugh with, be myself and create memories or a nice guy to go special places with.  Maybe this is a fantasy and I need to wake up and face the harsh world of dating.

[David Dupree]

I will probably get in trouble for this one...and I don't claim to be in the spirit as I say it 

1)  But, it unreasonable for a woman to expect a man to immediately put a new woman at the top of his list above all else without any development of a relationship.  While the relational/emotional side of a woman is priority, that is not the same for a man.  The ego/conqueror side of a man is more of a priority.  So if a man is busy trying to finish a project or assignment, then that may take precedence to establishing a relationship on a "just met maybe". 

2) If a man is busy with projects, a business, etc., then one thing that will be important to him is a woman who will be bendable when unexpected schedule changes happen or who will be understanding when an unexpected detour comes up or who will have so much of her own projects to accomplish that a cancellation is "no skin off her teeth." (okay I know that is an old saying but work with me here. hahaha)   In other words, have a back-up plan for your time.  Or as the old folks said "don't put all your eggs in one basket."

3) Considering the above, I believe that the guarding of the heart is crucial.  If you don't, then you will be hurt and often for no reason at all. I know that wasn't the initial case in this particular thread, but it happens and was alluded to by a couple others.  Why do I say no reason?  Because if a woman would just give herself a chance to learn the middle name of a man before having the wedding all planned, then there would be less hurt.  If a woman would not give up the goodies there would be less hurt.  If a woman could not jump to conclusions then there would be less hurt. 

Breathed...I agree that  it is good to avoid the booty, I mean booby traps.   

Every queen either grew up as a princess (knowingly or unknowingly) or became a queen because she married a king. 

Many of you hopefully, have read my wife's book.  In there, you will recall, there was a period when...well why don't you just go back and read chapters 9 & 10 and you will see what I am talking about.  There was a period in our discovery period where this wonderful forum administrator cut me OFF! hahaha Even though I was continuing to send notes, calls etc, she had cut me back.  Guarding her heart was crucial to her survival, but opening her heart was the key to receiving her blessing.    Anyhow, you know how it ends...but there are some pearls in there that may help you get past the initial questioning, iffy, awkward stage.   


dd

[1EagleSky]

David,

I hear you loud and clear! I think women need to be reminded of what you said as often as possible!

[Novelist]

Hello everyone,

I have read the responses related to "Just Friends" and my outlook remains to see that men and women have their issues individual, yet when we come together there will be miscommunications due to someone receiving the wrong signal.  As a woman, yes, I want my friends or whom is apart of my life to make time for me, but I do not expect to be the top priority in a man's life.  If he is in school, working, has to take care of his business, that's fine with me.  I am looking at effort.  Of course, I will call and leave messages to chat with him for a moment, but if he is not doing the same, what is the point? That will make me feel unimportant to that person because this is personal to me.  I commend any man who is taking care of his business and who is working toward his goals, but relationships are an essential part of life and if he chose to ask for my number and do not call me, how am I suppose to feel? Do I accept the busy signal all the time? No.  It is a two way street.  I am busy too.  I have projects, working, dealing with life, but yet I manage, I "manage" to call someone even if it's for 5 minutes of my time. 

From this experience, I am learning the true meaning of guarding my heart because people will disappoint you no matter what.  I am still learning how to cope with "busy signals" because most of us what a breakthrough when we want to talk to someone.  Do you want the busy signal each time you call? That is discouraging.  I know what my issues are and I am not blaming all men for it.  My perspective is that some men need to be more mindful on how they handle their business and relationships.  If you are a man in politics and you travel most of the time, of course you need/want a woman who will understand your schedule.  If you are a cop, you need/want a woman who will understand and support you.  The same relates to a pastor or minister in the church.  You want and desire a woman who will be your companion, confidant, and trustworthy enough to support what you are aiming to do.  One of my several concerns is how men respond to me and if he is always busy, there is a problem because when you are important to someone, they will do something to spend a little time with you.  Even if you only see each other every month and spend an hour and go out to lunch.  I look at the little efforts.

I am not sure if anyone agrees with that, but I am adamant about my perspective due to experience, which is a learning continuum for me.  God is working on me to guard my heart.  On the contrary, men will need to work on their words and actions because they know that some women will cleave to those words.  Some of them are not mindful and need to be frank about their actions and at least allow the woman to make the choice to deal with their inconsistency, but at least they said something.

[Beanie3]

Hi,

I've just been looking at this forum and felt like I could perhaps add my experiences.

Novelist, you said in the last post, "On the contrary, men will need to work on their words and actions because they know that some women will cleave to those words." While it is true that men should be mindful to fulfill their words with their actions, I believe wholeheartedly that this should have nothing to do with my feelings.  If a man does not call me back, or invite me out to dinner, it does not mean that I am unimportant. If his line is always busy when I call, it does not mean that I am insignificant. 

In my opinion, women must learn who really is the Lord of their lives. 

As a rule, I don't give out my number to random men that ask for it. I'm 23. Most persons my age think that this is busted method and my social life must suffer. Which is, in fact, untrue.  I only give my number out to men that I've known for a while and share a common link.  From there, if I develop romantic feelings for him, I begin to evaluate root of those feelings.  Then, i turn to the Lord and begin to really work the things out with Him. What's the bottom of this? My feelings do not command me. 

Then, I think that its unrealistic to think that everyone views messaging and calls as significant as I do.  Unless, I come out and say to this person that these actions are significant to me personally how can they regard them as such and conclude that they must respond for the sake of the relationship. I don't think its fair or wise for me to expect a man to make me feel important.  Because it is personal, I take as much time as I need to raise my expectancy, and allow as much time as he needs to determine if he wants to pursue me.

I'm very weary of lending control to people. I try to let my emotions be led by the spirit of God.  If people know they can effect your emotions they will every time.  I often find  myself saying "Forget him, I got other things to do." Especially when those things have to concern my schooling and my God.  I think remaining focused on my own things to do will allow me to keep this person in the right perspective. If the relationship is meant to be significant it will not become that way by my own manipulations, but by the connection is has to my own purposes.

In all reality, I would like to be noticed, and called, and taken out. Yet, if I am not, my emotions about myself remain uneffected because I know who the Lord is and perhaps it is HIS will that men don't respond to me. My bottom line is not "It's his loss," if he doesn't repsond to me. My perspective is "moving right along." Don't dwell on the responses of men.  it's important not to elevate the significance of the relationships in our lives before its due season. Then on the real level, you don't know dude like that to stressin' if he's into you or not.

Much Love,
Andrea Turrentine.