Finally coming into my own

[1EagleSky]

I have a major decision to make soon, and I am having conflicting emotions regarding what I truly desire to do, yet fearing how my family will view my decision.

I would like to return to school to get my Master's degree. My goal is to teach at the university or community college level. For four years, I have been unemployed, and just recently started working a few months ago.

I took nearly 5  1/2 years for me to finish my Bachelor's degree. It wasn't because I wasn't intelligent; it was because I wasn't focused, suffered from a major case of low self esteem, and didn't believe in myself and that I could achieve the goals I had for my life. My grades suffered and I was put on academic suspension for one year. This occurred just as I began to slowly get my grades and my self-concept together. I tried to petition this, to no avail. I was miserable every day I was out of school. I did not come off as being strong or confident in job interviews, and because I usually lacked the educational background and experience for positions I truly wanted, I was relegated to low paying manufacturing jobs. In spite of my inner determination to make the best of everything and stay positive, I found that I was often treated in a demeaning, patronizing way by fellow employees and in some cases, superiors as well. I was usually older than most of the employees there, but I was often treated like I was mentally slow or had some sort of handicap. On the few occasions when I was able to speak to another adult who was more serious minded and sensible, it was like a breath of fresh air.
When I returned to school for the summer session the next year, my grades improved enough to the point where I was able to return in the fall. During the fall and spring semester, my GPA was 3.5 and 4.0 respectively. Everything seemed to fall into place: I did volunteer work at an organization on campus, and my supervisor there liked my work so much that she said she would hire me to be a graduate assistant if I had plans to go on to graduate school, which I did. I shared with my oldest sister what my supervisor had said and how I'd planned to enter graduate school, and at first, she sounded happy, then during a subsequent call said, "You know, graduate school isn't like undergrad. You can't appeal to an academic committee and it's harder. If you get a C in a class, that's a failing
grade. Some people just want to hide behind the university the rest of their life instead of being in the real world and getting a job." This shook the foundation of my confidence, so to speak. I shared the same story with my youngest sister, and she said, "Go to graduate school for what? Why don't you come home and get a job. You've already been in school longer than you were supposed to be. Forget school and get a job. Once you come home and start working and making that money, you won't be thinking about school anymore." Now, my confidence was replaced by doubt, fear, and worry that I wouldn't do well in grad school and flunk out.
Since they were my family, had lived with and observed me all their life, I figured they were right and came home, assuming that I would easily find a position like the one offered to me at the campus organization. Not so. I was miserable for years, as the pattern repeated itself: the same kinds of jobs, poor treatment by employees and superiors, self worth going down into the bucket, conflicts with my oldest sister and another person who split the rent with us.

After about a year, I grew so frustrated that I quit the job I had, thinking it would be easy to find another one. It was not. I found a part time job a few months after quitting the other job that I'd held for nearly a year. Things at home grew worse and I was more and more unhappy. After a brief stint in school to pursue a 2nd bachelors in a different discipline, I struggled to do well and decided to call it quits on that. I worked for nearly a year at a local factory, saving money while staying with my parents. I had in mind that I would save money for school and return to graduate school to finish what I should have done in the 1st place. Circumstances occurred with my youngest sister that prevented me from being able to enroll in school and start working within a certain timeframe that would have allowed me to have the money I needed to pay for tuition. One thing after another seemed to go wrong for me. In 2002, I was able to secure a part time job that I had previously held before nearly a year ago. After about 6 months, I was let go, because the company didn't want to pay health benefits or raises, and instead thought it was cheaper to keep hiring temps every couple of months or so. This resulted in 4 years of unemployment. I was so down in the dumps. Sometimes, I wouldn't even pursue a job opening that looked interesting, or fill out an application, because I was sure I would be rejected. I do blame myself for not trying harder in that regard.

Sorry for the long delay, but now to the present......

The job I currently have does provide opportunities for professional advancement, yet I realize that a career in this particular arena is not for me. I will do it as long as I can, to save money and have something to put on my resume, but I know I will not be truly happy until I am finally positioned in the career field I desire with all of my heart.  This is why I want to return to school for my Master's and after that, my PhD.

What I'm struggling with now is feelings of uncertainty that I will do well.

[David Dupree]

1Eaglesky,

The steps of a good/righteous man/woman are ordered by the Lord.  If God is in it, then you can REST assured that He will order your steps through it.

Don't let the enemy attack you with esteem issues.   You are fearfully and wonderfully made!!!!  Just walk on by faith.  Without faith, it is impossible to please God.  Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Let that mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus. 

Girl, you can achieve anything you wish to achieve!  Don't live in past failures.  Your trials come to make you strong; not hinder your future/progress.   

I rebuke the spirit of fear attacking your life, mind, spirit in the name of Jesus. God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love and of a sound mind.

If you are certain that God is pushing you into your purpose by going through this route to get your PhD and new job, then "drive and go forward."  Don't worry about time.  That is man's issue (except when it comes to getting your PhD within the required timeframe. hahaha).  But other than that, there is nothing to say that you must do it within xyz time. 

Stay encouraged!  And do what God tells you to do. :-)  No weapon that is formed against you (even the weapon of family) will be able to prosper and every tongue that rises against you, God will condemn.   

dd