Single Mom....Married Dad

[faithsaves]

Hi All,

I am a single mother to a beautiful little girl, however she did not come from a beautiful relationship.  Her father has done some really hurtful things to me that I am desperately trying to let go.  I was dealing with him for 5 years when he married someone else.  So now I have to deal with the fact that he is married, in his nice house, and doing what he has to do for him and his wife.  I won't say that he is a bad father because he does do what he has to do for his daughter, however it is hard for me at times to let him do those things because I am mad at the things he has done to me in the past...I can not seem to separate us (me and him) from him and my daughter.  What makes it worse is that he doesn't seem to have any remorse for the things that he has done. 

If I could make him disappear or move to another state, I probably would but then my conscious  would eat me up because I do want my daughter to have her father since I wasn't fortunate to have mine.  I have the opportunity to break that cycle of the woman in my family being raised by just their mother, but at times that seems like it would be easier for me because I wouldn't have to deal with him.

We always fuss about finances because I see him bringing in more money than me and instead of him helping me more, he seems to want to keep it for himself.  I am not the type that wants his money for myself, however I just want my daughter to be given the things that he gives himself.  So we end up in arguments all the time because he doesn't see what I see.  This has been the story our entire relationship....he never sees what he does.  I am not saying that I'm a saint but I have always tried to make him happy even when he continued to hurt me. 

So now I am just trying to have a healthy parenting relationship.  I know that God has so much in store for my future, but I must admit I am very bitter.  Deepwaters Family I have been through A LOT.  I know an idle mind is the devil's playground and it seems like the devil is swinging on my swings, sliding on my sliding board, and playing in my sandbox EVERYDAY.  I think about every detail of the hurt and pain that my child's father has caused me.  I have yet to allow my daughter to stay over night (although he has her daily) with him and his wife because it hurts too bad to think about it.  My mind is saying to let her dad enjoy her like I do because she is such a beautiful, smart, and amazing little girl, but my heart just won't let things go.

How can I allow my ex to be a good father to my daughter when he wasn't good to me?

Thanks for reading...

faithsaves   

[lyfe]

Hi faithsaves!

My co-worker is in a similar situation so I can understand the hurt and pain you feel as I talk to her daily to try and encourage her to move pass this. She has a son and just as much as a daughter needs her father - in these times its imperative that a son has his father as well. Its imperative that we all have our parents to be to us what God intended for them to be.

On to your question.....

How can I allow my ex to be a good father to my daughter when he wasn't good to me?

You begin by putting your daughters well being first. At some point you must not allow the hurt and pain he caused you to interfere with the relationship he has with you all's daughter. What matters most is your daughter. Although the pain is great and you may wish things could have been different you and him are no longer the issue/concern - your daughter is.

When I think of your question I think of the scripture in Philippians (I think) when Paul mentioned "forgetting those things which are behind I press forward to the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus". And when I think of this scripture - relating it to your situation I consider "forgetting those things behind" to be the relationship with your daughters father that didnt work out which brought on hurt and pain....

and I consider "the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus" to be - your precious, beautiful, little daughter's destiny and having a healthy relationship with her father (and of course you). I say of course you because if this is still hurting you I know at times it must be hard to be the mother to her that you want to be (not saying you are neglecting your child) but just saying sometimes hurt keeps us bound and causes us to not operate as we would if we were not hurt. 

I commend you   on trying to have a good parenting relationship as I'm sure its hard to focus on this with a man you once loved and at some point may have had hopes of raising your family together but because of his choices you all are no longer together and it hurts you greatly..... but when it comes down to it..... the situation is what is it...you can't change the fact that he's married.... you can't make him see all the wrong he has done.... but you have the power to no longer allow the hurt and pain he has caused you to continue to affect you and to in turn learn from the situation...grow from the situation....find out how God can get glory from the situation and most importantly PUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S WELL BEING FIRST!

Dont allow the enemy to continue to steal your joy from you. Kick him off of your playground!!! He should not be swinging on your swings. Kick his behind in the dirt!!! Underneath the dirt! Where he belongs!!! YOUR MIND BELONGS TO GOD and He has promised...... PROMISED! PROMISED! PROMISED FAITHSAVES that He would keep all that she commits to Him. Commit your mind and your relationship with your daughter's father to God and as much as it hurts (because when you see a thing and cant control it, it eats you up, it hurts like crazy) you still have to let God work it out. You just sit back and blossom into the flower God is watering you to be  . Your season of hurt wont last forever!

You talk about breaking the cycle.... well hooooooooooonneeeeey I think God has much purpose behind you doing so. It begins with you and flows through your daughter. Will you?

As always.... these are my thoughts in response to your question/posting.

I'm OUT!
Lyfe
Pro'nouced Life.... because in HIM I have an abundantly blessed Life!!!

[faithsaves]

Thank you for your words of encouragement and wisdom....especially the scripture which gave me chills.
 
One thing that I can say is although the pain hurts badly at times, it has not affected my mothering qualities.  I think it has helped in a way because I don't want her to experience any hurt, abandonment, or pain that I experienced with her dad, therefore I overflow her with love.  But there are some nights when after bathing her, reading her favorite bedtime story (which we both know by heart...LOL), and putting her to sleep, I do breakdown. 

However as you stated I must no longer allow the enemy to plant things into my mind and keep me stuck in my past.   

Thanks Lyfe for bringing life to my situation.

Stay Blessed!!

faithsaves

[tippieangel]

hi I'm a single mom of two sons. My youngest sons father is married and well lets just say the situatution is very different. i pray the Lord will give you peace that surpasses ALL understanding and that you realize that the devil is defeated! When the pain gets to be unbearable that when God is trying to birth something out of you and your situatuion!! So, PUSH girl PUSH!! tell you self that no matter what comes now matter what goes you are ablessed and beautiful Woman of God and he said he woul NEVER leave you or FORSAKE you. Woman of God take courage you are safe in you Daddys arms and he'll carry you when y ou think you can't walk any more. 5 long years of hurt and pain WAS my story but whom the son sets free is free indeed!!!

[faithsaves]

Thanks tippieangel!!

I can't wait until I get to the point where you are.  I am definitely battling for my peace, sanity, and joy.  But I am pushing and trying to stand on God's promises.  I know that he HAS to have a better life for me.

Keep me in your prayers!!!

faithsaves