Friendship Trouble

[Rosey926]

I need some feedback from some like minded people on what i should do regarding this particular situation.  Ive been good friends with this person that i work with for a couple of months.  I thought that everything was fine between us and it was until one day out of the blue, my friend starts to act funny and ignore me.  We used to talk all day through emails, text messages, we would go to lunch together, and even talk on the phone after work.

Then all of a sudden in one day, all that stops.  I noticed my friend was acting strange so i asked what was wrong, and of course they said nothing. Ive asked if they were mad at me and the only reply i got was "NO".  I told them that i missed them, that i cared and that i'll be there for them when and if ever they ever want to talk to me again and all they said was "THANKS"

Okay...so i've tried to talk to this person about three other  times during a two week period and i can't seem to get through to even to find out what is really wrong. It would be different if we had a disagreement about something, but as far as i know i have done nothing to this person. Its really hard because i have to see this person all day everyday at work  and most of the time they act like i dont exist. Should i still try to pursue this friendship when it seems like this person doesnt want to be bothered with me anymore? Should i back off? Would you just let it go?

[Gracious]

Dearest Rosey926

The question that I hear coming from your situation is...

"Why Lord, am "I" in a place of tension???"

Please allow me to explain from whence the above statement came.

Like it or not, "WE" often...attract people into our lives. People are not machines (always the same...24/7). We "change", and though these changes may be painful to those closest to us...it is crucial that "we" (who remain...who are often left feeling wronged)...as a "CHRISTIAN" people remember that "IT" is not always about us!!! That more often than not our friends may be going thru a storm...that THEY may not even be aware of...and "IT" is often left up to "WE WHO REMAIN"...that are left scared & bruised... "to tow the line", if you will...bare the pain of rejection...in the name of LOVE.

How do we do this??? By going to GOD FIRST...and allowing HIM to ORDER OUR STEPS, our tongues, our hearts...

And KNOW that you KNOW... that no matter how long it takes...GOD WILL PROVIDE...for your friend...AND...for YOU.

Friend, I know...because what I've just exposed has been my personal "at work" testimonial.

FOOD FOR YOUR SPIRIT...Encouragement for your heart:

Read the entire book of Paul's epistle (letter) to his beloved Philippi (the book of Philippians).

Thank you...and GOD bless you...'cause you truly BLESSED me.   

Gracious

[Forum Administrator]

Hello Rosey926 and welcome to Deep Waters! I am sorry that you are experiencing turmoil over what has taken place between you and your co-worker.

There is a quote from Proverbs that comes to mind as I read your post and it goes like this:

Proverbs 25:17 - Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.

While it is true that in order to have friends we must be friendly it is also true that two cannot walk together unless they agree. Since your co-worker has not disclosed any reason for the sudden change in behavior, it would be pointless (and perhaps painful) to try to speculate. For whatever reason, your co-worker has made it clear that s/he is not as vested in the previously developing relationship as you are. In that regard, you are not in agreement.

In answer to your question, I would encourage you to let it go, and what I mean by that is to let go of any expectations that you may have of this person. You can still continue to be cordial and polite, but there is no need for you to continue to put yourself out there emotionally. Friendship is not forced: it is reciprocal.

I further encourage you to try not to let this person's behavior affect your behavior.  We must strive (though it may be extremely difficult) to treat others the way we would want to be treated. That does not mean, however, that we have any guarantees that the person(s) to whom this grace is extended will treat us in like manner. But we are not to concern ourselves with other people's behavior especially since we do not have any control over how another person behaves.

We do reap what we sow and the good intentions and deeds that you have sown will come back to you--maybe not from this person, but from someone. As Gracious has indicated, God will provide and He has promised to satisfy the longings of your heart, be it for true friendship or any other good thing. As the saying goes, "It's all good!" 

[Sandra Mizell Chaney]

Dear Rosey926,

You asked if you should let go or back  off, two scriptures come to mind for me Matthew 6:33 " Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness....
Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and sheall direct your path.  Take the eye off of self, seek God and allow him to order your steps.
She could be going through something very painful and is not ready to talk about it.  Sometimes people hurt the very ones who are trying to reach out to them.  Continue to walk in love; allow her time to be in what ever state
she is in right now. Pray for her and allow the holy spirit to intervene. Ask God to give you peace and trust that He is working it out for everyone's good.

Blessings!

[Novelist]

Friendship is tough and believe me, I have made it tough.  After 10 years of friendship, I am facing some hard times as well.  At times, I feel like why am I messing things up all over again and my best friend is going through the bad sides of me.  It messes things up between us because of my mistakes.  On the other hand, it is hard to know what someone is feeling because you are not psychic, therefore, you have to let it go no matter how tough it is.  I know it surprises you and makes you curious, but what good is it when this person pushed you away?  It makes me think of how I pushed my best friend away and now I am not sure where I stand with her.  Furthermore, I advise you to focus on being who you are and maybe this individual will come around.  In the meantime, make it your business to find new activities to do and move on as necessary.

[Rosey926]

I just wanted to thank you all for your wisdom and counsel.  Since my inital post, i tried to follow your advice and i still behaved as i normally did, and i was still nice to my friend, and tried to act like i wasnt bothered, even though i was. 

Somewhere along the way he gradually started trying to reach out to me.  I honestly want to ask what was wrong before, but i figure i shouldnt stir up trouble.  But throughout the week things have been getting back to how they were.  But it sort of seems like he is somewhat emotionally detached.  In a way im glad we are back cool, but on the other hand i dont know if it will last.  So im trying not to get as emotionally involved this time.

All we have ever been was friends, but for some reason after he stopped dealing with me, i realized how much i really liked him. So now i'm really confused, because i dont think that its right to act like its just friendship youre interested in when you like that person in another way.  But the downside is i dont want to ruin our friendship or make things awkward by telling him how i feel.  What should i do?

[Novelist]

In this situation, you have to allow time for him to be open with you about what is going on.  Curiosity is irresistible, yet you must stand strong.  Do not add more fluid to the fire because enough is burning right now.  Give yourself some time to re-evaluate who you are and what you want for yourself and this casual friendship.  Enough is in the air and I would advise you to stand back and see what happens.  Be cordial and nice as you have been, however, give him the chance to express something to you.  As far as your feelings for him are concerned, you have to think about the risk because you work in the same work environment, correct?  Would you feel awkward at the same workplace?  Believe me, there is always more to consider and reconsider.  You never know, but pray about this situation and ask for direction because the last thing you want to do is keep going in the wrong direction and your feelings constantly get hurt.

You have to sort your feelings and figure out what are the causes and effects.  Do you want a platonic relationship or something more?  Do you know if he wants the same thing, which is hard to figure out because of his distance from you.  At some point, perhaps he will come out and share what is happening.  Just keep your eyes open and so far you are doing a good job at keeping things cool.  Be blessed and hope all works out for you.


Novelist.

[Rosey926]

Ok, im here to give an update and to solicite advice......i while ago a made a post regarding a male co-worker of mines who suddenly stopped talking to me. Turns out he was going through some things mentally and physically and withdrawing was his way of coping. He has done it again, this time for 3 weeks, i told him i wished he felt comfortable coming to me, instead of pushing me away. So anyways, after the first situation we gradually started back talking, we got closer and even started to hang out after work.  I said in my last post, i was having feelings for him, but i didnt know how to handle things.  It turns out he liked me too, but he said he was not the best person to have a relationship with 'right now' but maybe in the future, he didnt know.  I was understanding given the fact that i knew the issues that he was dealing with at the time, even though i was dissapointed......so i told him that, and that i wanted us to be friends no matter what.  But part of me thinks that if he loved me like i loved him, it wouldnt matter what he was going through, he'd want to be with me.  I've tried to get over him, with no success....its just hard since i still want to be friends with him. I dont know if 'we' would even work because we are so much a like...we're both tempermental and stubborn......It just seems like we keep going back and forth and i dont know if it will ever go right. Do you think its possible to just stop being in love with someone, especially a person you still see and hang around everyday?  I think it would be selfish to withdraw my friendship because we dont want the same things right now....but then again it might be selfish to stay his friend.  Part of me wishes that i never even got myself into this situation ...........  ??

[Breathedonme]

Hi There!

All of this Godly advice is wonderful . . . it's the Word; however, on a practical side . . . this person seems very unstable and the Word does tell us to guard the issues of our hearts (paraphrased).

Sister, you don't want to live your life like a constant see-saw (sp??).  You'll be up when he is up and down when he is down.

It seems like your friend has a level of maturity to be attained.

Going to the Word . . . as someone stated that God tells us to trust in Him with all of our hearts and to not lean on our own understanding . . . seek the Lord to find out why you might want to be as patient with him for this type of friendship.  Now I am not suggesting we shouldn't be patient with people and show mercy . . . Jesus did; however, if you both are thinking of taking it to the next level, it looks, sounds and smells like a red flag.

Is it possible for you to just "chill" with him a bit while he is finding himself and trying to heal about some things? 

Is there a pastor he can talk to (or does go to for counseling)?

Putting this into check now might save a huge heartache for later.

Just my lil' bit --

:-)

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Rosey926. Some questions for you: 1) How do you know that you love/are in love with him? 2) How have you "tried to get over him?" 3) How do you think either of you can benefit from a relationship that has to be approached with so much doubt?

I dont know if 'we' would even work because we are so much a like...we're both tempermental and stubborn......It just seems like we keep going back and forth and i dont know if it will ever go right.

It turns out he liked me too, but he said he was not the best person to have a relationship with 'right now' but maybe in the future, he didnt know.

When you know that fire burns, you don't put your hand in it. When you know that a knife cuts, you do not run your finger across the blade. That is, of course, unless you want to get hurt. There is too much doubt here. You are not his redeemer--you cannot "save" him, and you cannot point Him to the Savior while your hands are gripping the possibility of a relationship with this man so tightly. This relationship is not for you. He is telling you that and your gut is telling you that. Once you are convinced of that, you will leave it alone. (Hopefully.  )